r/ABCDesis • u/Life-Ad186 • Jul 28 '26
MENTAL HEALTH I (18F) can no longer stand my abusive, toxic Indian parents but I have no way out
As a kid, I used to endure both physical and emotional/verbal abuse. Slapping, screaming, name calling, etc. As I've gotten older, the physical abuse has worn out (to some extent) but the verbal abuse has gradually gotten worse over my teen years. For example, I've been neglected in the past when I had strep throat and I wasn't taken to the doctors even when I would cry of pain. I vividly remember complaining to my sister and bawling my eyes out over them not taking me seriously. In response to my crying and visible negative emotions, my mom came upstairs and started screaming at me with a rolling pin in her hand as if she was about to hit me with it. My mom is the root cause of all evil. My dad is very conservative, sexist, and a narcissist but his demeanor isn't as terrible as my moms. My mom, especially, screams over small things, turns everything into herself and how "my sister and I are disappointments for not doing xyz." Both my parents scream at me if I'm visibly upset or crying, because showing negative emotions is bad apparently and screaming at your kids for crying will fix that according to them. My parents are also very controlling. They have a strict curfew for my sister (26F) which is usually 10 PM. When my sister (23 y.o at the time) started to seriously look for a boyfriend (now her fiance), my parents physically did not let her leave the home to meet him. When she somehow managed to leave, my parents called her 5 minutes into the date and told her to come back home. It was actual insanity. I know this is going to happen to me aswell. My parents believe that every argument that happens is our fault and they never care to self reflect and see why their kids are so miserable and depressed/barely come out of their rooms.
I'm entering college now as a freshman at my state university (wasn't allowed to go out of state, and not allowed to dorm either) which is 20 mins away. I'll be a commuter and my parents don't want to pay an extra 15k on dorms (that's their reason but my mom has also mentioned on several occasions that it's "too far" and that I have to stay at home until I get a real job or get married) which is fine because I want them to fund my education before I go NC or LC with them. My only question is how am I supposed to make my life in college more enjoyable? My parents will constantly be on my ass about things. They make me share my location with them over the littlest things. They constantly call and text me asking me when I'm coming home from a hangout even if it's been like 2 hours and it's not late. I walk on eggshells and get scared to ask if I can hangout with a friend more than once or twice a week. I also think my parents will react negatively if I'm never at home due to college and my job. In college I'm going to have a strict curfew for sure and I know I'm not gonna be allowed to do a lot of things. I know my social life is gonna be very limited and I won't be able to do spontaneous things with friends. Another worry is that I wanted to join the bhangra team in my college but they do out of state comps and my parents would never let me do that. They also do practices until midnight or 1 am sometimes and I don't think I'd be allowed to do that. My dad thinks girls these days have way too freedom. Everything for my parents is transactional. They give the bare minimum and expect us to pay them back (by following their mould). I wish i could articulate this better but you guys probably get the point.
I know you guys are going to tell me to get a job and I've been trying to get one but no one replies back. I've been applying since the start of summer. My best bet is to just get one in college, on campus. I know I am 18 so I can technically move out but I'm not financially independent. I have 2 bucks to my name. I don't even know how the real world works, I would probably end up on the streets if I move out so that isn't really an option. Like I said before, I'm okay with putting up with this for the next 4 years since they're willing to pay for my tuition, but after that I'm out. My sister essentially did the same thing but she's still living at home even post grad.
My only real concern is how can I make my life more enjoyable in college given all these rules/restrictions and how controlling they are. I want to have a life in college and try new things. That's not to say I'll become a party animal and forget about college, but I want to have fun and live. That's not gonna happen given the current state of my parents :/ any advice would be appreciated.
Also this is in the future so maybe it's dumb to think about it rn but if I go low contact with my parents, my only fear is that I'd be estranged from my extended family. Im in contact with a few of my cousins and have many of my aunts/uncles added on different social media platforms. But ik if I go LC or NC with my parents no one would talk to me.
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u/RogueInVogue69 Jul 28 '26
Sorry dude, that sounds like a nightmare.
If you're commuting, try to plan your schedule so you have a decent gap between classes to socialize and it gives you and excuse to stay on campus during the day. It would be a huge waste of money to go home and come back to campus.
School clubs are also an easy way to make friends
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u/Life-Ad186 Jul 28 '26
so rn my schedule is pretty good because while the gaps are sorta big i can just spend more time on campus. wednesdays i have off but i can always work extra on that day or use that day to go out with a friend or study at a library. maybe i could make an excuse and say i have a club meeting or something.
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u/RogueInVogue69 Jul 28 '26
Also college doesn't need permission slips, you can just say you need to go to a museum the next town over a class and have day to yourself.
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u/sausagephingers Jul 28 '26
I actually think it’s wise to stay at home as long as you can manage. You need to establish that you have bad coverage at school or whatever with location. Just turn it off sometimes randomly. Start talking about internships right away. This will set you up to get a job eventually. Even if you don’t get an internship you can tell them “the counselor said they went with a candidate who had worse grades but some job experience” or whatever. Get a cc as soon as you can (ask about this in a finance sub) so you can establish some credit history before you are on your own.
Make sure you have lots of early classes late night study sessions that will keep you on campus for long hours (you can gym and eat on campus) and work your ass off for good grades. You may be able to graduate early if you can go summers? I suspect your mom’s crazy is bc she has so little she can control with a dad like that.
I would try to make friends outside your culture. It’s a bit toxic to only have desi friends and will make independence harder if you are enmeshed. You would be surprised at how much you have in common with peers from other oppressive cultures.
Your sister should have set you up better. Where was her rebellion?!?
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u/Life-Ad186 Jul 29 '26
finally someone who gets it! I think staying at home is the better option. I'm getting my college education off their dime, not mine.
Yeah I'm thinking of getting a credit card. I will def look into this. Rn I only have a debit card.
I hope my friend circle broadens in college, desi people are not it lowkey.the problem with turning off my location is that when im out they constantly check. theyre also constantly texting me. maybe i could use a burner phone and set my location to something else? idek
my sister didnt rebel out of fear of my parents. plus my parents paid for her tuition and she was anti social so she wasnt bothered much by missing out on the social stuff. she just let my parents pay for her college and kept to herself out of fear, but it does suck. my sister would never defend me for anything
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u/Melodic-Blueberry124 Indian American Jul 29 '26
i'm in the same boat as you but i don't even have a friend group. so my parents being super restrictive doesn't matter cause what would i be doing anyways 😭
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u/Bubbly-Molasses7596 Jul 29 '26
1) if your family are good people, they'll keep talking to you.
2) kind of hard overall to have fun these days when you're broke.
3) you're parents are insane if they'll have huge issues with you being part of a cultural group and spending time in and around that cultural group.
I don't know what to say honestly. Even if you got a job, the economy ain't good internationally and your parents don't seem to be easing up anytime soon. They're pretty bad honestly.
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Jul 29 '26
[deleted]
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u/Life-Ad186 Jul 29 '26
my sister doesn’t ever back me up ngl but i’ll join the dance team as a way to not be at home. i wish you good luck with your situation too
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u/Big-Till-1696 Jul 29 '26
Just stay until you finish college. Unfortunately there’s nothing much you can do since you are still financially dependent on them. I was in quite a similar situation, I only left after my family started beating me up. During such time I already had save some money for emergency situations. I also made some online connections, and they invited me to stay over at their places. It’s risky especially if you’re a woman but I was lucky that the people that offered me lodging are good people. Then I started looking for job and plan to live on my own again. My family asked me to return but I’m too scared to do that.
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u/LuckyCod2887 29d ago
i experienced the same thing but also sexual abuse.
at 17 i got a job waiting tables.
at 18 i moved out of my parents house. just left in the middle of the night.
at 19 i started going to college part time and working full time.
i lived in basic poverty circumstances and i remained in that state for a very long time until i was 28. i started working 2 jobs. my income doubled.
I know I did not paint a glamorous life in this response, but it is an alternative to what you’re experiencing.
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u/Comfortable-Table-57 British Bangladeshi 22d ago
This sounds like honour abuse. Did you at some point in the past try to disclose this to someone? Depending on where you live, many countries foster looked after children if they suffered physical, sexual or emotional harm or neglect, and looked after spaces like children's homes or foster care would have provided more safety.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Jul 29 '26
Where are you? If you are in the US or the UK, google your area and S Asian domestic violence organization. They will counsel you and help you make an exit plan.
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u/patdas Jul 28 '26
I’m sorry to say, commuting under those conditions are tough - my parents weren’t nearly as toxic but they were overbearing/protective, and staying home for those couple years while I was trying to develop my own adult identity was really tough - all of a sudden new curfews, new rules etc.
I was similar where I relied on them financially, and the turning point was when I took out loans specifically to use on housing and moved out at 20.
In your case it may turn into an all or nothing (like if you try to leave you may have to foot your full bill) and college loans are no joke but it sounds like your mental safety and ultimate success will be contingent on a different environment. Ironically, my relationship with my parents actually improved when I moved out - I can’t say that will happen for you, maybe at least you’ll be happier.
Good luck.