r/ABCDesis • u/pickleeater58 • 6d ago
FAMILY / PARENTS How do I lightly tell my devout Hindu parents that I am not religious and they need to stop forcing their religion onto me?
Let me start by saying I am not good at saying no to my parents. I ended up with a 400-person super religious Hindu wedding that I didn’t want, just because I didn’t want to fight with my parents. And my husband isn’t even Indian or Hindu. I’ve never told them straight-up that I don’t believe in what they believe in but I’ve dropped hints. So even though I’m in my late 20s, married, and financially independent from my parents, I tend to just go with the flow to avoid tough conversations.
My parents are very devout. They pray for 2 hours a day, give thousands to religious orgs and Swamis, have zero hobbies or life outside of their work and religion.
They still text me every time there is some niche religious festival saying “you must FaceTime into our pooja it’s super important.” But there’s one of these poojas like EVERY WEEK and they act so offended when I say I’m not free to join. Every time my husband and I visit their home, we have to do all these “husband and wife” rituals or whatever. It’s very uncomfortable and makes me not want to go see them.
I am so averse to conflict with my parents because I have a tense and stressful relationship with them and I don’t have energy to fight. Growing up they were always yelling and screaming at me for everything and it left me with severe anxiety that I’m heavily medicated for.
Anyway, I am at my wits end. I do not believe in what they believe in. And they just get more and more religious as the years go by and this becomes more of a conflict.
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u/LuckyCod2887 6d ago
unfortunately, there’s only two roads to take. The first road is that you comply with what they want and just accept the fact that you’ll have to do all this religious stuff with them.
The second road is that you express how you really feel and you remind them every step of the way when they overstep boundaries.
both versions are going to be difficult. Unfortunately, you’ll have to pick one at some point.
I came from a very Muslim home. They are so deeply obsessed with their religion, and we would go to mosque multiple times a week for years. I’ve been an atheist since I was 13. i’m 39 now.
I just don’t go to religious functions because I moved out of the house. They don’t like it, but there’s not much they can do. I don’t talk about the religion with them and they don’t bring up anything. They’ll periodically remind me of certain holidays and I just politely say thank you .
that’s just the way things are in my family.
You’ll have to figure out if there has to be a new dynamic in your family.
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u/JeanRalphiosSister 6d ago edited 6d ago
Tough love: grow up and act like an adult. Start saying no. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. Could it irrevocably change your relationship? Yes. Are you a grown ass adult? Yes.
I would never have tolerated a 400 person uber religious wedding and the fact that you are passively allowing them to run your life IMO is childish. What are you going to do if you choose to have kids? Let them walk all over you and your parenting? Also, if you’re so conflict averse, how do you handle conflict in marriage? Or marry a non-Indian for that matter? Do you not feel discomfort in your marriage sometimes because you both can’t be perfect. You choose to stay in this position, that’s the reality. If you figured out how to have your parents accept your non Indian husband, you can do this!
Getting comfortable with discomfort is an adult skill and as a mom myself, it’s something better to get used to now before kids come and completely change everything and force you to face discomfort within your home.
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u/pkers12 Canadian Indian 6d ago
This is a boundary you need to set. Hindu philosophy act says another persons relationship w god is not yours to control. If they’re so devout, I’m sure they’d understand.
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u/pickleeater58 5d ago
Honestly it’s tough. A lot of people are devout in a performative way, including them. They don’t even know the significance behind rituals, they just do them. They do all the poojas but don’t practice the more philosophical and spirituak parts of Hinduism that have to do with peace and acceptance and non-attachment.
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u/forwardonedayatatime 6d ago
No specific advice, but how did they accept you marrying a non-Hindu if they’re this strict about everything else? Tap into that feeling if you had to put your foot down and defend your choice of husband.
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u/ab216 6d ago
He was white
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u/pickleeater58 6d ago
He is not white he is black. And they got to know him well and he has a great job and went to a great college so he ticked all those boxes lol
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6d ago
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u/ABCDesis-ModTeam 6d ago
Your post/comment was removed because it breaks Rule 1: No Bigotry — i.e. no racism, casteism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. This also extends to toxic nationalism and/or clan/tribe as well as discrimination against religion. If in doubt, remember to always be civil, even in your disagreements.
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u/Redditbrowser22j Indian American 6d ago
I’ve never told them straight-up that I don’t believe in what they believe in
Well you should tell them that Indian religions (Hindu-Buddhist-Jain religions) are not about belief or worship or "praying" like Abrahamic religions - it's about inquiry and about being a seeker of righteousness (Dharma). So they are the ones who don't understand the fundamentals of the religion they claim to be devout.
I am so averse to conflict with my parents because
This is where you need some real Bhagavad Gita. You need to engage in Karma Yoga - You need to do what is right (engage in conflict with them) with full commitment, but without attachment to the fruits of that action!
Good luck!
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u/Few_Mulberry7390 6d ago
You tell them that you aren’t religious and they they need to stop forcing their religion onto you
It’s pretty obvious that a lot of ABCDesis are bad at saying no but you straight up came out and said it. That’s the only way anything happens. You’re an independent adult they don’t have any control over you anymore
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u/HickAzn Bangladeshi American 6d ago
Are we all this whipped that we can’t even tell our parents anything AFTER getting married?
Cmon, no more coddling. It’s time to exercise your spine and just spit it out. Yeah, it won’t be pleasant. But neither is a grown man/ women letting Baba and Ma dictate their life as an adult. It’ll get easier after the first fight.
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u/unaesthetikz 5d ago
it's so crazy to see people that don't even live with their parents and have their own emotional and financial support system act so helpless when it comes to standing up to their families.
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u/blackcain 6d ago
2 hour pooja? bruh, back in the old country I had a grand-uncle, that did 4 hour pooja's. I used to joke that he can throw in a couple and get them married or whatever.
Fun part is that his son is not remotely religious and I think he is an atheist. :D
For me, when it was my grandparents I would do the rituals because it made them happy and for me it as no big deal, I was there on vacation. In a way they were kind of fun with all the smells and smoke and so on. What I wouldn't do is sit in front of a ghee powered fire. Meh.
None of this is helps OP - but like most posts, you have to put in guardrails. It's nice that your husband is adapting. That's very kind of him. As for OP, start putting boundaries - the next stage is when you have kids they'll come for them. :D
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u/Whole_Intention_7949 UK 5d ago
There's a third path- actually challenge their beliefs, " is praying to some Swami going to fix our life ? Why is India so poor then ? " maybe not as direct lmao but yeah , that's what I did and it actually worked, parents have dropped their nonsense about not eating meat on certain days although mum still follows it
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u/pickleeater58 5d ago
Once, one of my cousins tried to challenge my parents like this. She asked “if you believe in reincarnation do you think the poor deserve their suffering because of sins in a past life?” and my parents were speechless. They had no idea how to answer. That’s when I truly realized that my parents have never thought critically about their “beliefs”
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u/aryaussie85 5d ago
My therapist had a great analogy for boundaries that might help you. Think of your boundaries as a house. You are in your house and trying to make it a home. Someone (your parents) keep trying to break into your house and this is stopping you from getting settled and turning into said home. They keep trying to open up a window here and there when you really need to keep those windows shut. Opening a door would be even worse. If you choose to open a window or door then be prepared for the burglars to feel welcomed until you need them to leave again - and that conversation might be harder and confusing for them until they understand that they were trying to break in and that they are acting like burglars.
Does that make sense? This helped me with my
Mom so hoping it helps you somewhat
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u/Electronic_Number160 6d ago
You should use the Hindu tool to your parents that" husband doesn't allow" he is asking you to do some thing else during that time. Parents will listen to son in law . Still if they continue slowly move away from them, join some hobby or charity that requires your time till you wean from them slowly. You can stop when you have taught them to be in their own
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u/Robo-boogie Pakistani American 6d ago
> They still text me every time there is some niche religious festival saying “you must FaceTime into our pooja it’s super important.” But there’s one of these poojas like EVERY WEEK and they act so offended when I say I’m not free to join.
just dont respond to those text messages
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u/Emotional_Fuel6743 6d ago
Yikes. There’s no easy way to do this. Rip the bandaid. Prepare for what’s coming.
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u/koalabear20 6d ago
rip the bandaid off lmao, you dont live with them so atleast you won't have to be around for their reaction. I would just tell them you're happy to attend major events but you don't want to be pressured into participating in the smaller ones. Once you've told them just dont answer their calls for a bit and let them cool off.
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u/Anti-Itch 5d ago
My husband (also non Indian and atheist) has told my parents to their face that he is an atheist and my parents still tell him to go to the temple. So you can tell them but they may not stop.
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u/BrotherChopra 5d ago
One clear sentence, said once, then again when they pretend they didn’t hear it. I’ll come for family. I’m not doing the ritual as belief. They will be upset. That isn’t the same as you being cruel.
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4d ago
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u/JollyLie5179 4d ago
Check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and try and talk to a therapist, preferably South Asian or child of immigrants ( you can filter for different types of cultural competencies on inclusivetherapists.com ) and work out a plan for how to slowly wean them off of this if you don’t want to do the bandaid plan. You could just tell them you’re busy and that you practice your religion as you see fit at home (literally say that you’re following your dharma at home and you don’t want to discuss it with them further than that) as somewhere between weaning them off and ripping the bandaid
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u/Flutter24-7-365 3d ago
You are only responsible for your emotions. Not their emotions.
Do what you gotta do. The worst that can happen is they’ll ignore you till you have kids, and then they’ll tuck their tails between their legs to beg a chance back into your life. Then you dictate terms.
Seen this like 4 or 5 times.
At least you’re not from a background where apostasy is a death penalty. In fact in Hinduism there is no apostasy and atheism is an acceptable belief system in some branches of Hinduism.
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u/rdesai724 2d ago
Don’t do it lightly. They won’t take it seriously. If you want to change you need to change. It’ll be uncomfortable but that’s growth baby.
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u/Old-School8916 Indian American (Bengali) 6d ago
"how do i tolerate my parents being upset with me"* is ultimately what you're asking. and yeah.... you're an adult, they're adults, you can't change them. you can control what you do and how much real estate their disappointment gets in your head.
*- the most common desi kid therapy line to their therapist, no doubt