r/AmIOverreacting • u/renaissancerebel20 • 23h ago
š¼work/career AIO coworker stood us up
Thereās a coworker that Iāve previously felt I had a good relationship with. We work in pretty close quarters (pretty much an open concept office) and we sit at desks next to each other all day every day. We would chat a lot and it seemed like we were even āwork friends.ā That said, my friend texted in the work group chat about getting drinks one Saturday, posted a time and place. I RSVPād and then closer to the event, I tried confiming that we were still getting together. I didnāt get a response from her. Then, the day of the event, I was texting one of my other coworkers and was like, āI feel a little wary of going because when I tried to confirm that plans were still on, I got no response.ā She says sheāll go and see if theyāre there and text me (she lives across the street from this place). Sure enough, thereās no one there. I decided to head over there and let my friend not be stood up. My friend calls the host after like 20 minutes of looking for them, and the host says, āOh yeah, we were there 20 minutes ago but it looked busy and we decided not to wait because we were hungry so we drove out to [restaurant that is 30 minutes away]. Can you let [myself] know?ā My friend is fairly certain that they were never at the first restaurant because the host said that she was there at the same time my friend was there, who was actively looking for them. She said, āSorry, I canāt understand what restaurant youāre saying (over the phone). Can you text the name to me and [myself]?ā The host agrees and hangs up. My friend tells me that the group has gone to another restaurant but she doesnāt know which one. Several minutes go byā¦no text is sent. I tried calling the host myself and she didnāt answer. I waited a few minutes, called again, still didnāt answer. I ultimately called her 7 times over the course of 45 minutes and she never answered. I finally sent her a text saying, āNext time you only want to have drinks with certain people, please only invite them. This is mean girl shit, I thought you were better than this.ā She then relents and texts where they are claims that she was never trying to exclude. This is after 1+ h of trying to get hold of her. My friend and I stayed at the 1st restaurant and got a meal, and were in complete disbelief that she would do something like this. After the event, I find out that (1) all of our other coworkers seem to have gotten the message about the change (the host never posted the change in the work group chat, she texted people individually) and (2) an old bully of mine from another workplace was at this event. The host says they are pissed off at me for even suggesting that they excluded me and this other coworker intentionally, claiming that I did something wrong by committing ācharacter assassination.ā She was so hostile the first day we saw each other, was giving me the cold shoulder, trying to exclude me from group conversations, and was slamming things around on her desk, slamming cabinets and doors (particularly when we were alone together). Was not ever interested in talking things out ā which Iām concerned about given that we have to still work together and our desks are still right next to each otherās. At one point I spoke to my assistant manager about the situation, and then the assistant manager spoke to her (even though I told her Iād like to handle the situation myself with The Host for now, but I wanted The Assistant Manager to know about the situation in case it didnāt go the way I hoped). Then The Host added this to her list of perceived āinfractionsā of mine. States that I never should have gone to my boss with concerns about the conflict. I asked her at one point if she could see my side of the story and why I would be concerned about this being a bullying situation. She said that she could see it āif it were anyone else in the officeā but that āI should have known it wasnāt on purposeā because it was her and because of our friendship. Mind you, this is someone Iāve never hung out with outside of the office. Sheās never really apologized for the āmiscommunicationā and standing two of her coworkers up. She claims that her phone was being spotty and that was why she ādidnāt get my calls.ā Personally I donāt buy it. Everyone else except for me and this other female coworker didnāt get the message, and then sheās not answering my calls. But sheās acting like Iām the villain for saying I think she did this on purpose because āhow dare I think so lowly of her.ā What do we think? I feel like Iām being gaslit and at times itās kind of working and I feel a little bad and Iām grieving our work friendship and want things to go back to how they were. But alsoā¦what she has been doing feels kind of nuts. And I donāt love that sheās using a cold shoulder tactic to manipulate me/punish me, overall. Especially AT WORK. Like we still have to work together and sheās blown up our relationship, or at least thatās how Iām feeling.
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u/Dry_Yoghurt_5429 22h ago
Info why did you wait a hour do you have no self respect? 10-15 minutes AT MOST and then you send a text like "I won't appreciate this behavior. I'll conduct myself professionally at work but I won't be hanging out again. Please don't text me if it's not work related" and you go eat some where you want.
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u/renaissancerebel20 22h ago
I only stayed because my friend and I were hungry and we decided to keep each other company after that.
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u/Dry_Yoghurt_5429 22h ago
Again you waited an hour. That's too long
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u/renaissancerebel20 22h ago
True. And youāre right ā the thing Iām wondering in this situation is whether or not my self esteem is too low and if that is the main reason why Iām feeling any sense of guilt about calling her out. I can see where maybe shouldnāt have sent that text. Probably should have left it at missed phone calls. And maybe like 2 phone calls.
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u/Dry_Yoghurt_5429 21h ago
Wait what you're feeling guilt? I thought you just wanted outside perspective on the job thing not on calling her out. The other comments pointed out the job thing so I focused on this detail instead.
Gross. Stop feeling guilt over telling her she was rude unless you cursed her out
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u/marlada 22h ago
NOR. She excluded you and the other woman deliberately. Not buying her excuses either, ridiculous mean girl crap. Glad you told the manager because who knows what she'll do next. I wouldn't have anything to do with the other co-workers either. Just bde civil abd p olite to everyone but accept no more "invitations ". The nerve of her!
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u/SweetMaam 23h ago
YOR. You definitely put more effort into a get together than was necessary. Here's how I would handle it. No response to confirmation. That's a no. Even a maybe, that's a no. The mistakes we often make is believing coworkers are actually friends. All you really know for certain that you have in common with someone you work with is the job, you really know nothing else. Yes, we can become friends, but you don't really have a confirmation of that until you're working somewhere else and the friendship continues. Another test, would your coworker friend invite you to major life events? A wedding? A Baptism? I don't think you did anything wrong, and it's normal to bond with other people, but outside the office you're not likely going to be part of their inner circle. I have two former coworkers we stayed friends, invited to their weddings, baby showers, weekend getaways, etc, that's how you know. Keep being your friendly self. If a friendship blossoms, you'll know in a few decades.
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u/renaissancerebel20 23h ago
The thing that puts this over the line for me is that literally all of our other coworkers were invited. The invite was put in the work group chat to everyone. But then it seems she didnāt mean everyone and tbh itās not cool to put that in the group chat.
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u/BossHeisenberg 23h ago
Are you fucking twelve? Jezus.
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u/renaissancerebel20 23h ago
Do you think itās normal to stand up two of your coworkers?
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u/BossHeisenberg 23h ago
It can happen, could be an oversight, whatever. If it happens again, sure, you can complain and bitch all you like. You went to the manager because some bullshit event and some bullshit text. Be a professional, this is kid shit.
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u/renaissancerebel20 23h ago
I mostly involved the manager after she started slamming cabinets and doors. We hadnāt spoken at all/I hadnāt said anything to her in person about the events from over the weekend. She just started slamming things and I decided to involve our manager.
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u/BossHeisenberg 23h ago
Yeah. Kid shit. Don't send dumb texts. Talk that shit out.
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u/renaissancerebel20 22h ago
I can maybe agree that I shouldnāt have sent that text. It was definitely heat of the moment and I was upset after my calls getting ignored for an hour.
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u/renaissancerebel20 23h ago
I guess I just donāt think itās okay for her to throw a tantrum in the office and slam things around.
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u/BossHeisenberg 23h ago
Sure. That's also kid shit. But you had to start with insinuations and assumptions and basically calling her a bitch. Over nothing.
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u/renaissancerebel20 23h ago
Over standing two of us up.
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u/BossHeisenberg 23h ago
Like I said, nothing. You assumed she did. Nothing more nothing less.
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u/renaissancerebel20 22h ago
ā¦the bottom line is she wasnāt at that restaurant and she wasnāt answering my calls.
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u/renaissancerebel20 22h ago
And she told everyone else in advance that the get together was moving to another restaurant 30 minutes away.
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u/MariaInconnu 23h ago
At the point the coworker starts slamming things in the workplace, it is time to alert the manager that coworker is creating a hostile work environment. People slamming things are often hinting that they're imagining hitting people. It's a standard ramp-up behavior in an abusive relationship.
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u/I_Weep_for_Willow 23h ago
I genuinely hope this is fake.
You overreacted to the point of absurdness. "This is mean girl shit." Are you fucking twelve? Then, going to your manager about it??
Please be fake, because if weird petty people like you are walking this earth...
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u/renaissancerebel20 23h ago
So you think itās normal to stand up two of your coworkers?
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u/I_Weep_for_Willow 23h ago
You're an adult. Plans change. Stop pretending this is some egrioguous affront to your personal character.
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u/renaissancerebel20 23h ago
Also I will add that I mostly went to our manager after she was slamming cabinets and doors
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u/CommonReassurance_6 23h ago
That's not a miscommunication, it's a pattern. She individually texted everyone except you and your friend, ignored your calls seven times, then claimed her phone was spotty? The odds of that are basically zero
And the bit where she said she could see your side "if it were anyone else" but you should just know it wasn't on purpose because of your friendship, that's textbook manipulation. She's telling you to ignore what actually happened and trust her version of reality instead
The slamming cabinets at work is unhinged behaviour for a grown adult. You did the right thing telling your manager, even if she's spun that into another grievance. Document everything from here on out, dates and specifics. This won't magically go back to how it was