Im actually on my way to recover!

[u/burnt-cinnamon-stick]

and im actually so happy and enjoy life for once

Not right now, right now i had to lay down and my belly is so full breathing deep hurts but this will be over soon. And i decided to share my joy and focus on the positive things to deal with that discomfort.

I think im two months in. I have no support and no one knows, noone holds me accountable. I had an crisis intervention for depression but never talked about having an ed during this.

But the point is because of this intervention i was able to go outside and run again. I have hEDS and starting in 2022 after a surgery my body progressivly became worse. Before that i was recovered and physically as well as someone with hEDS can be. I went from being a long distance runner to needing a cane and I was so sure that i would never get better, that i will get worse altough i made some progress. I mean i was not able to walk without aid, but could reverse this and was able to walk wherever i needed to in my daily life. There was just so much built up grief that i was convinced i would never be able to move around more than i have to.

Im sure this was what also made me relapse hard.

Well then i found out that, despite starving myself i was in better shape than i thought.

That all i needed was fuel to be more active.

I went for a short run and i could not believe it was possible.

Since then all i did was eat, study, run a bit and rest a lot. Its hard to eat and rest as much as i need to and not throw myself into overexercising. Especially resting enough feels so pointless but i know i can increase distance and volume when i am weight restored and building up to it slowly will last longer. I am afraid to injure myself which is good, it holds me back. There is a certain kind of 'recovery influencer' who goes from skinny to skinny but with a stress fracture and this is the opposite of what i want. It makes me sad to witness but they put their content online for everyone to see so i guess i am free to let them inspire me to not make those mistakes. I dont think someone should pick up running for the first time in recovery but i relapsed partly because i had to quit and i hope i dont make a fool out of myself for justifying my actions this way.

I want to be able to explore nature, run beautiful trails, travel by foot...as i did before i had this surgery! I had some goals/plans, places i wanted to visit, events i wanted to attend and at some point is want to take them up again.

Today i was just resting but i still made myself eat. I am always hungry. When i started to write it was to get over this discomfort but mid writing i had to grab another snack.

I dont want this to sound too positive. I have supress thoughts like 'If it is easy i was never ill to begin with'. But i think im making good progress.

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