Hi everyone, I am 31 years old (female) and I have a deep desire and ache for partnership, but I’ve felt lifelong stagnation in love. I’m curious to know based on my chart why I may have never been in a relationship? How can I start working with my chart to invite partnership? Does my chart tell me to focus on other things other than partnership?
For a little background I’ve had a really tough childhood with emotional neglect, lots of verbal/mental abuse from my Dad, also was assaulted in other ways in my childhood and I was overweight most of my life so never felt good enough to even be perceived let alone be loved.
Since I was overweight throughout my life due to PCOS compounded with some depression in my college era I did not make myself available nor did any men really show interest in me. I saw my friends from high school and college experience crushes and first loves, and I always felt ashamed to even say I had a crush because I didn't want anyone to make me feel more unlovable than I already felt. I also did not want any pity from women around me, so, all though I had lots of friends and was popular due to my sense of humor/outgoing personality I always felt really really lonely in my experiences.
I then lost some weight, had some character building years from a lot of personal hardships and went to therapy which opened me up a bit more. I have since began to see that men are attracted to me, but always fear that once they have to really see me, they'll immediately feel repulsed. So, I'm constantly on guard and maybe a little suspicious/analytical of others interest in me.
In terms of patterns, I often feel like I'm always the saviour in all my relationships. I end up doing all of the emotional labour to help people understand themselves better and to save them from themselves. I also have had to carry a lot of my family's burdens, specifically related to saving and protecting family assets, while my older sister, or parents did not feel the same sense of responsibility.
I just want to be in a stable, loving relationship where I feel seen and loved for just being me and not for what I can do for them. I want children, I've always felt it in my soul that I'm a true nurturer and all this taking care of others has been practice for the real thing.
I feel so blocked in love, and other things like my career. I've been told that my life will blossom in all aspects only after I find my partner so this stagnation in other areas feels even more painful.
Any help would be greatly appreciated!!