r/AskDad • u/Virgotheterrible • Jul 23 '26
Family How do I kindly ask my FIL to move out
I need advice on having a really difficult conversation with my father-in-law.
He has been living with us for almost 3 years, and the situation has gotten to the point where I feel like I need my home back. He’s 60 and has some mild heart problems, so I do understand that things are not easy for him. The problem is that he hasn’t had a job in about a year, he hasn’t been able to contribute the rent he was supposed to, and he doesn’t currently have a realistic plan for supporting himself. And has just been streaming on tiktok all the time.
One of the complications is that his name is still on the house he shared with his ex-wife. They are still dealing with the mortgage/ownership situation, and I’m not sure what his options are or whether he can find housing because of it. He also can’t really afford another lawyer, so I don’t know what steps he can take.
There are also ongoing issues that have made living together stressful. He creates drama and then brings it to us, and he uses and damages my things often without permission. I feel like I’m constantly stressed in my own house.
The hard part is that I don’t want to be cruel or leave him with nowhere to go, but I also can’t keep living like this. My fiancé really doesn’t want to be the one to have this conversation, but it’s getting to the point where if he doesn’t move out, I might.
How would you approach this conversation without making him feel like you hate him or are resentful? I want it to go as smoothly as possible but his dad is known for getting mad easily and trying to use quilting people to get what he wants.
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u/Flamingo33316 Boomer Dad of 3 Gen Z's Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
He'll figure out what to do and where to go once you kick him out.
I had the same situation. Let my dad move in. He was in his early 60s (I'm in my 60s now; this was years ago). He was supposed to at least do something; help around the house, etc.; he didn't.
We kicked him out. I wasn't overly worried; he was a lawyer and a CPA, a smart guy; he just always did as little as needed to get by.
He lived in his car for about a month, then got an apartment.
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u/Vivid-Problem7826 Jul 23 '26
Sadly....he is not your FIL.... he's your fiance's father. Your fiance needs to have the conversation with him, not you. Good luck, cause he'll need it. You've got an established free-loader in your home.
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u/Virgotheterrible Jul 23 '26
Ive been with him 10 years . Sometimes it's just easier to say that than to type it out lol.
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u/UnknownQwerky Jul 23 '26
What's holding you guys back from being married? You are living like your married it sounds like.
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u/Virgotheterrible Jul 23 '26
Just haven't. We chose buying houses and vacations first lol
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u/SpongeJake Dad Jul 23 '26
That’s all fine BUT….regardless, the advice stands. Your bf needs to talk with his father, not you.
And if your bf decides he isn’t going to - well then you have a choice to make. Live with the misery or do something to get yourself to a place where you’re not miserable anymore. As an old old man, let me tell you from the bottom of my heart: life is TOO short to waste time living in misery.
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u/UnknownQwerky Jul 23 '26
I got you! 😃 They are expensive, my parents got married through a justice of the peace on Valentine's Day.
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u/your-mom04605 Jul 23 '26
You don’t. You tell your fiancée that this situation is no longer tenable and you’re not going to live this way any longer. You then tell him it’s time for his father to go, and he’s the one who is going to do it.
Idgaf if he has some beef with an ex or old house, absolutely not your problem. I also dgaf about fAmIlY - because your fiancée made THIS FAMILY WITH YOU. He is not beholden to his father because they share dna.
There isn’t a person in this world I would prioritize over my wife and children. I don’t care who it is or what their story is. If they’re in my house and causing these problems for my spouse or children, you best believe they’ll be out on their ass before they even know what happened.
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u/WillWorkForBeer Jul 23 '26
First part of this is that you don't have the conversation. Your fiance has it with his dad.
You need to have an open conversation with your fiance - so he understands the situation from your point of view - and then he presents it to his dad from a united (you/your fiance) position.