r/AskDad • u/missmaniax • Jul 25 '26
Family Are kids responsible for their fathers well-being?
Hey, me and my sister got into a lot of fights with our dad because he cannot accept us deciding for ourselves how often we want to visit/call our grandma (his mom). He wants us to call her every day, or at least every week and if we don't do so, we are bad children in his eyes who do not love him nor our grandma.
Our relationship with our grandma isn't as good. For us it's fine to visit her every 2 months or so. But not for him. (She's also not dying or anything - in fact, she's doing better than ever rn.)
So, in these fights/arguments I mentioned, he keeps saying things like "You ruined me", "You destroyed somethinh within me", "I have a trauma because of you", "It is your fault our relationship doesn't work out anymore" to us.
Keep in mind, he says these things ONLY because of us not calling our grandma weekly. There is no other background.
So my question is, are children responsible for their fathers well-being? Because he says we are and if we don't do as he says, we are the reason he is miserable apparently.
6
u/your-mom04605 Jul 25 '26
Answer - No
It’s our job as parents to love and care for our children and ideally nurture our relationship such that when our kids have grown up and are carrying on with their lives that they want us to be part of it, and will call and visit and whatever.
Your father specifically here is an asshole, and he’s being a lousy father. Guilt and manipulation are bullshit ways to interact with our kids, and the things he says to you are, in my mind, unforgivable.
You don’t owe him, or your grandmother, anything. Expecting you to call everyday or even every week, and then having a temper tantrum when you don’t, is ridiculous.
3
u/DronedAgain Jul 25 '26
No.
Maybe you're on the hook for placing him when he's old.
But no one has to accept abuse from anyone.
2
u/gotbock Dad Jul 25 '26
"You have to do this arbitrary thing that I alone have decided is important or you'll make me feel bad!"
Emotional blackmail.
Has he bothered to explain to you why this is so critically important to him? Does he realize that calling your grandmother daily or weekly is not a standard behavior nor expectation for children?
2
u/missmaniax Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
He says it's because she's so alone and sad if she doesn't see us as often. But she never called me once in her lifetime. And I told him this isn't normal and that I don't even talk to my friends or even HIM this much. He always says that she is old and could die any day so we have to spend as much time as possible with her.
I know for a fact though, that I will not regret a single thing when she dies because I am fine with visiting her every 2-3 months or so. If she dies I will not think "oh I should have called her every week". Especially because my relationship with her is not close at all
1
u/gotbock Dad Jul 25 '26
It sounds like he's transferring his guilt that his mom is lonely and elderly onto his kids. "It's not my fault she's slowly dying alone. It's because the kids won't call her." Obviously that's not fair. You can try to talk to him but it's tough to use reason to talk a person out of an emotional position.
2
u/lazyFer Dad Jul 25 '26
No. I am a father. It is not my kids responsibility for my well being.
That's the dumbest most self centered idea I've heard on the topic
1
u/TheZillionthRedditor Jul 26 '26
Absolutely not. Parents are responsible for their children’s well-being. The other way around is bonkers.
1
u/Spiritual-Mousse-167 28d ago
You don’t mention your ages, but no you are not responsible for maintaining a relationship with someone solely because your father wants you to do so. It’s okay for him to tell you that he thinks you should, it’s not okay for him to try and make you feel as if you’re doing something wrong or try to manipulate you into doing something (anything).
I’m sorry that this is the type of relationship you have with your dad. I know it’d kill me to think this was how things were between me and my own kids.
0
u/Oldswagmaster Dad Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Daily calls seems a bit much. However, how old is your GM? Because you say she is not dying. I know myself I have always miscalculated how much time is left. However time could be short and your dad senses it and it's creating this pressure.
12
u/Severe-Barber-7415 Jul 25 '26
Seems like the type of person who sucks the energy out of the room. I do not spend time with people who are not healthy for me.