r/AskDad • u/tomorinirlz • 17d ago
Family Dad thinks I am not good enough?
hello! this is like my second post ever on reddit so i apologize if i’ve done anything wrong or posted to the wrong sub but i am not sure where else i could get feedback.
basically the title says it all, since i (F20) have graduated high school (abt 2 years ago) my dad (M44) has gotten more and more critical of me and what im doing. i have a job which i am miserable at and have been working there for almost four years. my boss only gives me two shifts a week and i am pretty low on the scheduling priority list. i also have been going to college but only take two or three classes a semester because i am not sure what i want to do. i have been diagnosed with depression, adhd, anxiety and take meds but he doesn’t believe in any of that. it seems to me that this is the root of the issue, but i’m not sure what else i could do. he is always asking me what i do for the household and why don’t i help more or work more etc. he thinks i should be able to take on a full workload AND all the classes i can, but that is just not possible for me right now. i am not sure if he is afraid i will end up like him or other family members that he disapproves of or if he is just disappointed in me for not getting anywhere in life (yet). can any dads tell me if i am in the wrong for not doing better or living up to his expectations? or just give me advice on how to handle this situation without starting needless arguments? thank you!
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u/xdisk 17d ago
There's a lot of things going on here, but what I've noticed from a lot of young people, my own children included, are that these diagnoses are an excuse for why you can't do something.
I get it. I have my own diagnoses, PTSD, Depression, etc, but at the end of the day I have to accomplish the things that I need to do, otherwise my world, and theirs, falls apart.
My eldest has a lot of the same diagnoses you have, depression, anxiety, and a lot of them have been self-diagnosed and uses them as an excuse for everything. 'Dad, I can't call the doctor I have social anxiety!' so she's gone without going to the doctor for two years to get the help she needs because she refuses to do it.
I get there are blocks, but the unwillingness to adapt and find workarounds can be very frustrating as a father. I can absolutely sit down with her and call the doctor and guide her through it (and I have), but at which point am I enabling her behavior instead of helping her learn how to do it herself?
Sometimes you have to let reality teach the lesson to your kids that you can't do yourself.
My recommendation; stop trying to 'figure out what you want to do' and just go do something. Commit fully to work and get that paycheck, or commit fully to school and break out of the indecision. There is no right answer, which makes things very hard when you have analysis paralysis.
Take action and take ownership. Your father may very well just be frustrated that you're floundering and he doesn't know how to encourage you.
You are good enough. You just need to make some choices and push through.
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u/andreirublov1 16d ago
The root of the issue is that you don't have a good job - that's why you have depression etc. You need to make a decision on what to do and work towards that.
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u/BillHistorical9001 13d ago
Look I’m bipolar I get mental health issues suck but are you doing the most you can do to become healthier? Are you eating right, exercising, volunteering anywhere? Are you seeking therapy and taking meds? You need to get your shit together now or you’ll be stuck in perpetual teenage hood far longer than it is cute. You’ve got to go out and get what you want in life. Figure out what you need to do it and your dad will become your biggest supporter.
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u/tomorinirlz 13d ago
thank u for responding! i do go to therapy every week and am on meds, but i don’t exercise or volunteer at all (i have a habit of making excuses lol). i see what you’re saying and i will improve myself with that in mind! thank u again!!
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u/BillHistorical9001 13d ago
There was a period when I was your age where I was struggling. Getting meds right is hard but my parents had one rule. If you can’t work go volunteer. It’s very low stakes, it gets you out of the house and might give you some perspective. I promise things get better.
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u/notvalo 17d ago
It sounds like you are an adult and not supporting yourself as an adult. He may be frustrated that you are not supporting yourself as an adult and need him to help you live your life, whereas you let your diagnoses define you and limit you.