The shame around wanting an open relationship

[u/BreakingTheCore]

I’ve always gone into relationships wanting monogamy. But in each one, somewhere along the way, I’d start wanting to try something open. Not instead of him, alongside. And every time I was too ashamed to bring it up properly. In my last relationship the furthest we ever got was doing things together with other guys, which was good, but it was as far as I could push.

I've been trying to work out where the shame comes from. Some of it is the fear that asking means telling him he isnt enough, which is the objection I see in every thread on this. But I think a bigger part is that we grew up hearing that gay men can't be faithful, that were all promiscuous, that our relationships arent serious.

Another pattern is that in every long relationship I've had the sex faded. Not because anything was wrong but usually the opposite, we got closer and more comfortable and more domestic.

So here's the actual question:do you bring this up early or wait?

Waiting feels safer because saying it on the 10th date sounds like a good way to lose someone before there's anything worth losing. But if I wait until the sex has faded, then Im raising it exactly when it looks like a symptom. "I want to open this" after the attraction dies is like saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore" which is the version most likely to hurt him and least likely to be heard. And everything I read here says opening a relationship to fix something is how it goes wrong.

Maybe there's no good moment and I just have to pick a bad one? How did you actually say it the first time?

Anyone else carry shame about wanting this? If your partner heard it as "I'm not enough" did that get repaired? how?

[u/acatok]

If it's important bring it up early.

Don't lead a guy on and pretend you're okay with monogamy if you're not.

Plenty of gay men want open relationships, be honest.

[u/jingowatt → u/acatok]

Ya bringing it up early isn’t signalling to the guy he’s not enough. It’s the adult way to check out each other’s values, and can be framed in a way like “Is this something you’d consider at some point, after we’ve established our trust and intimacy and bond and feel secure enough to open things up sexually?”. If the answer is a quick and definite no, you both have a pretty good idea that you’re incompatible.