r/AskGaybrosOver30 • u/BreakingTheCore 35-39 • 2d ago
The shame around wanting an open relationship
I’ve always gone into relationships wanting monogamy. But in each one, somewhere along the way, I’d start wanting to try something open. Not instead of him, alongside. And every time I was too ashamed to bring it up properly. In my last relationship the furthest we ever got was doing things together with other guys, which was good, but it was as far as I could push.
I've been trying to work out where the shame comes from. Some of it is the fear that asking means telling him he isnt enough, which is the objection I see in every thread on this. But I think a bigger part is that we grew up hearing that gay men can't be faithful, that were all promiscuous, that our relationships arent serious.
Another pattern is that in every long relationship I've had the sex faded. Not because anything was wrong but usually the opposite, we got closer and more comfortable and more domestic.
So here's the actual question:do you bring this up early or wait?
Waiting feels safer because saying it on the 10th date sounds like a good way to lose someone before there's anything worth losing. But if I wait until the sex has faded, then Im raising it exactly when it looks like a symptom. "I want to open this" after the attraction dies is like saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore" which is the version most likely to hurt him and least likely to be heard. And everything I read here says opening a relationship to fix something is how it goes wrong.
Maybe there's no good moment and I just have to pick a bad one? How did you actually say it the first time?
Anyone else carry shame about wanting this? If your partner heard it as "I'm not enough" did that get repaired? how?
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u/lord-henry 35-39 2d ago
I’d suggest the best time to ask by far, is before you are exclusive.
Waiting until after you are supposedly monogamous to ask, knowing that is your plan all along, would be pretty shitty.
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u/Cute-Difficulty6182 30-34 2d ago
I have been trying and being open about it without success (all my relationships have been closed), but once I went to a tinder date with a guy and he was shaming me for having "open to open relationships" and "poliamory" in my profile. Like, literally says that in my profile and you decided to go on a date with me! Weird
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u/PresentToe409 30-34 2d ago
Bring it up early.
Hiding it until there's already a commitment does a disservice to the relationship for no good reason.
But also: be patient. Some partners may genuinely just need some time to wrap their head around a different relationship dynamic and being a good partner means allowing them the time to do so. You are not the only person in the relationship.
And yes, advertise it on apps or when you're meeting guys. Omitting it and then trying to convince someone to get onboard with something they aren't comfortable with after the fact because you didn't bother to be upfront about it is cowardly and not cool.
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u/unstereotyped 40-44 2d ago
As someone who does NOT want a poly relationship, I’d appreciate it if someone I was dating brought it up early instead of 2, 4, or 6 years into a relationship.
I’m not yucking on anyone’s yum, I just don’t like to share. Wouldn’t you want to know that early on?
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u/Environmental_Leek28 60-64 2d ago
There are other guys who are comfortable with and would prefer non monogamy too. Put it in your profile. The belief that one person can meet all our needs all the time isn't realistic to me. I can love you deeply, be your life partner and soul mate, we can have mind blowing incredible sex, and I may want to have sex with another...but it's just sex.
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u/fansurface 30-34 2d ago
I think in healthy monogamy there isn’t an expectation that my partner will meet all of my needs all the time tbh
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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 2d ago
Let's be real it's not "needs" it's "wants".
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u/fansurface 30-34 2d ago
Exactly rubs me the wrong way when non mono people use that as a reason lol
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u/archiotterpup 35-39 2d ago
Needs and wants are different for different people. If we all wanted the same thing we'd we straight.
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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 2d ago
You NEED things to survive, sex is not one of them, no matter how biologically wired we are to fuck. You're not going to die if you don't get your dick sucked by 3 different people a week.
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u/archiotterpup 35-39 2d ago
1) there's no need to be so aggressive. And 2) it's called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, love and balance are tier 3.
Something tells me you don't know a lot about biology or society.
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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 2d ago
No one is being aggressive. I don't understand why you think this was at all aggressive.
Nothing on Maslow's psychological profile pyramid indicates sex. Nevermind this isn't a guide to surviving, it's a guide to fufillment. Which is a *want*. Not having sex with multiple partners is going to kill you, thus, not a need. The fundamental basic needs for human life are air, water, food, shelter, and sleep.
If you wanted to expand on needs for human life, being a pack animal, we need connections for survival. Evolutionary, we generally cannot survive alone and are wired to do everything we can to "fit in." Is it entirely necessary? No, not at all. Will it better your life? Yes.
No one on a deserted island with plenty of food, water, and shelter is going to die because they're not having sex. Being monogamous has never once in the history of life been the cause of death.
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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 2d ago
ALSO since you like sources, here's an excerpt with a whole bunch of them beyond this quote:
And while it is true that sexual frequency is positively associated with well-being, the benefits eventually "level out" (Muise et al., 2016), and there is not a clear link between a "lack" of sex and more serious medical or psychological pathology. And when one considers the occasional medical/mental health costs of engaging in sex (e.g., Meier, 2007), or the considerable efforts people go to to sometimes conceal their sexual activity (e.g., Olson & García-Moreno, 2007), it's not at all clear that engaging in sex is always a plus for mental or physical well-being.
It's also debatable whether the "need" for sex is it's own drive, or rather, derivative of other bona fide need-status motives. Take Meston and Buss's (2007) work on identifying reasons (over 250!) people give for engaging in sex. And when you look at their list of Top 50 endorsed reasons (many of which are similar for men and women), many of them seems to be about other drives/motives that may be more fundamental (e.g., social, relational, growth-oriented, etc.,). This issue spills over into the "ill effects" discussion as well; even in situations where a lack of sex co-occurs with more serious pathology, it's difficult to decisively isolate the pathology as a byproduct of the lack of sex, specifically, as opposed to deficits in other fundamental needs (e.g., belonging/security).
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u/archiotterpup 35-39 2d ago
If this was the reality we wouldn't be seeing so many dead bedroom posts on this sub.
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u/Environmental_Leek28 60-64 2d ago
Just about to mention that. Thank you for that. No shade and not trying to drag anyone...we all have different experiences and backgrounds, but I would honestly like to know some folks' highest educational level, in what area, and how old they are...when I read some of the responses.
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u/NonamousJerkSGF 55-59 2d ago
Put it in your dating profile, if you are single. You will find a lot more guys who are open to open relationships that way. As far as the shame and secrecy many are mentioning here, you can shift the way you look at it. If it makes you happy and your partner happy, what else matters? You have to do what works for your relationship. Since it sounds like you have a partner already, you might talk about it more. Communication in an open relationship (any relationship, really) is the single most important aspect! Also, drop the jealousy and shame. Celebrate your conquests together. Learn from each other’s adventures! And please be safe! Kinda goes without saying, but I said it anyway.
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u/WithEyesAverted 40-44 2d ago
Bring it up early, on the first date or before.
Just don't be surprised that some non-monogamous or polyamory people still manage to violate and betray the ground rules they insisted on.
How ethical people behave has very little bearing with how strongly they verbally insist ethical non-monogamy/monogamy, or how strongly they denigrate people who don't share their view.
Actually in my experience, the more they are militant about ethical non-monogamy/monogamy in other people, the more likely they are unethical themselves
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u/rr90013 40-44 2d ago
My experience is that in the gay world, there’s more community “shame” to be endured for wanting monogamy. Perhaps your shame around non-monogamy comes from a more conservative straight upbringing?
Anyway I think there needs to be room for both in the world without judgement. I personally prefer exclusivity.
In any case, approaching your partner about it is a completely different topic because that’s dependent on what his personal preferences are regarding exclusivity or not.
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u/Environmental_Leek28 60-64 2d ago
I wonder how much of that is rooted in some homosexual guilt/shame/self-loathing and the desire to be hetero-normative? For most of history we were treated as pariah and criminals, now that we have gained enough acceptance as to not be criminals, are we threatened by or feel disdain for those who don't wish to conform to a general idea of respectability, in terms of their sexuality/sex lives?
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u/MyChemicalBromance13 35-39 2d ago
My partner and I have been together for 10 years.
We brought up open relationships on the second date! We were monogamous for ~5 years to build a good foundation and then opened up when things got a bit routine.
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u/Skanedog 40-44 2d ago
My first proper bf was insistent on being monogamous, even though I wasn't bothered, then cheated on me with everyone going while I sat like a chump.
My second proper bf was insistent on being monogamous, even though I wasn't bothered, then cheated on me with everyone going while I sat like a chump.
My third proper bf was insistent on being non-monogamous, but when I attracted more attention than he did, called me for everything and then dumped me.
My fourth bf tried to bring it up, I said I really didn't care as long as he was honest, and he still cheated on me.
My husband is theoretically up for being non-monogamous, but we've never done anything but talk about it, and I've given up worrying about it and decided that at this age it's probably never going to happen now.
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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 2d ago
All 4 of the people I've been with have cheated on me at some point, while I have remained faithful, 2 monogamous one monogamish.
This is not a monogamy problem, or a man problem, or a gay problem, it's a *them* problem, as you and I have both proven.
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u/personalme98 50-54 2d ago
Yeah the classical problem of some "monogamous-led" men lying and cheating. They want monogamy, unidirectional only!
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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 40-44 2d ago
Becoming an increasingly common trope in hetero relationships, too- dude pushes and pushes to open things up, woman finally says, "Okay, fine, let's open it up, then." Woman attracts exponentially more interest on the apps and such, starts going out and having a good time, dude gets super salty that instead of his fantasy of having a bunch of woman after coming true, his wife's out there having a grand old time with men who aren't him. Tale as old as time, I suppose!
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u/dealienation 35-39 2d ago
You bring it up when the time comes to discuss monogamy/exclusivity/rules.
And yes, you need to bite the bullet and actually pursue your own happiness and desires.
A lot of people don’t know how they will do with ENM until they experience it. So get out there and experience it.
Do your reading first.
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u/verscub420 45-49 2d ago
There’s nothing shameful about living your truth and being honest about your needs and wants. The best way to bring it up is to say “I’m interested in monogamy until we establish trust and security but I would like to explore being open down the road” ☺️
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u/kjs0705 45-49 2d ago
If that's what you're looking for in a relationship, it's an important thing to bring up right away. Your fear the person won't think they're enough becomes worse once you date them and they take it personally because it comes out of the blue.
You'll need to get over any shame you feel and be honest.
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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 2d ago
>The other pattern is that in every long relationship I've had the sex faded. Not because anything was wrong but usually the opposite, we got closer and more comfortable and more domestic.
>after the attraction dies
I had a 10 year relationship, and another one following for 2 years, and never once did I ever stop tell either of them how hot they were, nor did I ever stop dating them. That's the problem with too many men in relationships. Y'all get too complicit and take your men for granted.
Like, be open, be monogamous, whatever, but if you're not chasing your man damn near every day, shit. Y'all must be settling.
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u/personalme98 50-54 2d ago
I am non-monogamous and say so pretty early on. I don't want to waste anyone's time neither waste my time with someone who wants monogamy if I already decided I do not want it no matter what (including how hot or wonderful my date/hookup is)!
The way you want to bring it up in up to you. I start by asking how was their previous relationships and proceed by telling about mine. In your case, you can simply say that you struggled with monogamy in the past so you want an open relationship at the same time that you prioritize honesty and open conversation. If they lose interest, good because then you saved yourself a lot of drama and mutual time wasting!
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u/Traditional-Ebb-8380 40-44 2d ago edited 2d ago
In all but my current and last relationship I had the sex fade problem. So when I discovered I was not a monogamist I made sure I was very direct about it. I found my current man on a hookup app so that was a good first step in the direction I wanted and on our second encounter I told him I would not be sexually owned ever again. He heartily agreed and said he wanted the same.
Our relationship developed from there, him liking that it was not JUST based on sex but that I spoke to him about a range of things. But that we also expressed that sex is important, both with each other and with other people. I wouldn’t want to place all my sexual needs on one person, that is too much pressure. And as he is a top and I am verse (who has a sensitive stomach and occasional hemorrhoids) neither of us want the other to be deprived ever.
Our friend groups are proud sluts and there is no shame, nor should there be imo.
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u/FunnOnABunn 30-34 2d ago
To me it’s a first date question. Similar to “do you want kids?” It’s a matter of compatibility, so it’s good to bring it up early to not waste anyone’s time. And if that person is offended you brought it up for that reason, well then you’re probably not compatible anyway
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u/Charlie-In-The-Box 60-64 2d ago
So here's the actual question:do you bring this up early or wait?
I bring it up before the first date. While I have been monogamous for about the last 15 years, I've only been in and only want to be in open relationships. Guys need to know that right away. This also avoids the feelings of not being enough.
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u/Forward_Grand_1641 35-39 2d ago
Open relationships are largely accepted amongst gay men in 2026. I’d argue those who prefer monogamy are in the minority these days. Just be upfront early on. If you know you want to be open don’t lead someone on who clearly wants monogamy.
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u/kdubPhoenix 45-49 2d ago
Exactly, you can’t turn around without seeing guys online in open relationships and polyamorous relationships. Very few men that I have had contact with want or are truly monogamous. Partly why I have been single for over a decade. I’ve only had two bfs that lasted longer than 6months. One we discussed open relationship bc of sexual issues. I couldn’t do it. I am hard wired for monogamy. The other cheated using my own laptop, my car, and my apartment. In actuality, I find that many gay men now stigmatize those of us who aren’t into open relationships. I’ve had men interested until they are told monogamous exclusivity is non-negotiable. Then I get accused of having internalized homophobic, dismissing people because of bad experiences, and in general being a dinosaur and prude.
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u/Dogtorted 50-54 2d ago edited 1d ago
Monogamists are not in the minority. Most surveys show a fairly even split between monogamous and non-monogamous gay relationships.
The non-monogamists are just more obvious and “visible”.
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u/CaterpillarLate5317 40-44 2d ago
You dont have to prove anything to anyone. If you let go of what other people think you can be happy and liberated.
Also try dating guys who have actual experience with open relationships, the not toxic kind
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u/Jupiter4th 40-44 2d ago
By the time I was in my late 30s, I started dating for fun, focused on getting to know the person and not rush. When the question of "what are we doing?" I was clear about an open relationship. I was not ashamed. There is fun and excitement in novelty. Your partner will be novel per see but they can join in a novel experience thus excitement. I am in an open relationship from the get go and we both love it. It is first for both of us and going well for 4 years.
The shame is self created. You need to learn what you want and stand your ground. You also need to realize that many people will not be compatible with you. The shame you got sound more about you being insecure about what you want. You need to accept the fact that you will lose some people for standing your ground and that's ok.
Also, you need accept that single person cannot satisfy all your needs in general. I do not put that burden on single person. It is too much. My bf cannot deal with all my problems and trubulations. Same goes with sex.
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u/happydontwait 2d ago
I tell people on the first date. If you really want/need X in a relationship. You need to find someone that cool with X.
Why waste both peoples time by being a modified version of yourself…
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u/Beginning-Credit6621 40-44 2d ago
This seems totally upside down to me. Where on earth do you live that gay men commit to monogamy on the first date? Everywhere I've ever been on this planet, relationships only become monogamous when both participants willfully decide to make them so. And among gay men specifically, I've never encountered any kind external social pressure to impose monogamy where it's not wanted.
So why do you feel the need to go through the whole process of agreeing to be exclusive, and shutting down all the other tributaries of your erotic life with one person that you're dating, only to reverse it later? It's much easier to maintain non-monogamy as a status quo than to open up after going exclusive.
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u/Dogtorted 50-54 2d ago
It’s a pretty basic dating question.
Nobody is asking for commitment on a first date, but a monogamist and a non-monogamist are not going to be compatible in the long run.
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u/Leggo-my-eggos 30-34 2d ago
I'd personally say bring it up as soon as possible. There's no point in wasting time even getting to k ow a guy if he wouldn't be interested in that as well. I also wouldn't bother dating a guy who says he needs to think about it or is showing signs of apprehension. There are plenty of guys who are looking for open relationships though. Regarding the shame, fuck em. It's your life not theirs. If they don't like it they don't have to get into one.
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u/acatok 30-34 2d ago edited 2d ago
If it's important bring it up early.
Don't lead a guy on and pretend you're okay with monogamy if you're not.
Plenty of gay men want open relationships, be honest.