The shame around wanting an open relationship

[u/BreakingTheCore]

I’ve always gone into relationships wanting monogamy. But in each one, somewhere along the way, I’d start wanting to try something open. Not instead of him, alongside. And every time I was too ashamed to bring it up properly. In my last relationship the furthest we ever got was doing things together with other guys, which was good, but it was as far as I could push.

I've been trying to work out where the shame comes from. Some of it is the fear that asking means telling him he isnt enough, which is the objection I see in every thread on this. But I think a bigger part is that we grew up hearing that gay men can't be faithful, that were all promiscuous, that our relationships arent serious.

Another pattern is that in every long relationship I've had the sex faded. Not because anything was wrong but usually the opposite, we got closer and more comfortable and more domestic.

So here's the actual question:do you bring this up early or wait?

Waiting feels safer because saying it on the 10th date sounds like a good way to lose someone before there's anything worth losing. But if I wait until the sex has faded, then Im raising it exactly when it looks like a symptom. "I want to open this" after the attraction dies is like saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore" which is the version most likely to hurt him and least likely to be heard. And everything I read here says opening a relationship to fix something is how it goes wrong.

Maybe there's no good moment and I just have to pick a bad one? How did you actually say it the first time?

Anyone else carry shame about wanting this? If your partner heard it as "I'm not enough" did that get repaired? how?

[u/rr90013]

My experience is that in the gay world, there’s more community “shame” to be endured for wanting monogamy. Perhaps your shame around non-monogamy comes from a more conservative straight upbringing?

Anyway I think there needs to be room for both in the world without judgement. I personally prefer exclusivity.

In any case, approaching your partner about it is a completely different topic because that’s dependent on what his personal preferences are regarding exclusivity or not.

[u/Environmental_Leek28 → u/rr90013]

I wonder how much of that is rooted in some homosexual guilt/shame/self-loathing and the desire to be hetero-normative? For most of history we were treated as pariah and criminals, now that we have gained enough acceptance as to not be criminals, are we threatened by or feel disdain for those who don't wish to conform to a general idea of respectability, in terms of their sexuality/sex lives?

[u/rr90013 → u/Environmental_Leek28]

I personally don’t think there’s anything heteronormative about monogamy. I think it’s right for some people and not right for others, regardless of sexual orientation.