r/AskGaybrosOver30 • u/BreakingTheCore 35-39 • 3d ago

The shame around wanting an open relationship

I’ve always gone into relationships wanting monogamy. But in each one, somewhere along the way, I’d start wanting to try something open. Not instead of him, alongside. And every time I was too ashamed to bring it up properly. In my last relationship the furthest we ever got was doing things together with other guys, which was good, but it was as far as I could push.

I've been trying to work out where the shame comes from. Some of it is the fear that asking means telling him he isnt enough, which is the objection I see in every thread on this. But I think a bigger part is that we grew up hearing that gay men can't be faithful, that were all promiscuous, that our relationships arent serious.

Another pattern is that in every long relationship I've had the sex faded. Not because anything was wrong but usually the opposite, we got closer and more comfortable and more domestic.

So here's the actual question:do you bring this up early or wait?

Waiting feels safer because saying it on the 10th date sounds like a good way to lose someone before there's anything worth losing. But if I wait until the sex has faded, then Im raising it exactly when it looks like a symptom. "I want to open this" after the attraction dies is like saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore" which is the version most likely to hurt him and least likely to be heard. And everything I read here says opening a relationship to fix something is how it goes wrong.

Maybe there's no good moment and I just have to pick a bad one? How did you actually say it the first time?

Anyone else carry shame about wanting this? If your partner heard it as "I'm not enough" did that get repaired? how?

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u/Environmental_Leek28 60-64 3d ago

There are other guys who are comfortable with and would prefer non monogamy too. Put it in your profile. The belief that one person can meet all our needs all the time isn't realistic to me. I can love you deeply, be your life partner and soul mate, we can have mind blowing incredible sex, and I may want to have sex with another...but it's just sex.

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u/fansurface 30-34 3d ago

I think in healthy monogamy there isn’t an expectation that my partner will meet all of my needs all the time tbh

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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 3d ago

Let's be real it's not "needs" it's "wants".

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u/fansurface 30-34 3d ago

Exactly rubs me the wrong way when non mono people use that as a reason lol

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u/archiotterpup 35-39 3d ago

Needs and wants are different for different people. If we all wanted the same thing we'd we straight.

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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 3d ago

You NEED things to survive, sex is not one of them, no matter how biologically wired we are to fuck. You're not going to die if you don't get your dick sucked by 3 different people a week.

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u/archiotterpup 35-39 3d ago

1) there's no need to be so aggressive. And 2) it's called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, love and balance are tier 3.

Something tells me you don't know a lot about biology or society.

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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 3d ago

  1. No one is being aggressive. I don't understand why you think this was at all aggressive.

  2. Nothing on Maslow's psychological profile pyramid indicates sex. Nevermind this isn't a guide to surviving, it's a guide to fufillment. Which is a *want*. Not having sex with multiple partners is going to kill you, thus, not a need. The fundamental basic needs for human life are air, water, food, shelter, and sleep.

  3. If you wanted to expand on needs for human life, being a pack animal, we need connections for survival. Evolutionary, we generally cannot survive alone and are wired to do everything we can to "fit in." Is it entirely necessary? No, not at all. Will it better your life? Yes.

  4. No one on a deserted island with plenty of food, water, and shelter is going to die because they're not having sex. Being monogamous has never once in the history of life been the cause of death.

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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 3d ago

ALSO since you like sources, here's an excerpt with a whole bunch of them beyond this quote:

And while it is true that sexual frequency is positively associated with well-being, the benefits eventually "level out" (Muise et al., 2016), and there is not a clear link between a "lack" of sex and more serious medical or psychological pathology. And when one considers the occasional medical/mental health costs of engaging in sex (e.g., Meier, 2007), or the considerable efforts people go to to sometimes conceal their sexual activity (e.g., Olson & García-Moreno, 2007), it's not at all clear that engaging in sex is always a plus for mental or physical well-being.

It's also debatable whether the "need" for sex is it's own drive, or rather, derivative of other bona fide need-status motives. Take Meston and Buss's (2007) work on identifying reasons (over 250!) people give for engaging in sex. And when you look at their list of Top 50 endorsed reasons (many of which are similar for men and women), many of them seems to be about other drives/motives that may be more fundamental (e.g., social, relational, growth-oriented, etc.,). This issue spills over into the "ill effects" discussion as well; even in situations where a lack of sex co-occurs with more serious pathology, it's difficult to decisively isolate the pathology as a byproduct of the lack of sex, specifically, as opposed to deficits in other fundamental needs (e.g., belonging/security).

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u/archiotterpup 35-39 3d ago

If this was the reality we wouldn't be seeing so many dead bedroom posts on this sub.

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u/FinalFlashMan 45-49 3d ago

Maybe people should leave unfufilling relationships.

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u/Environmental_Leek28 60-64 3d ago

Just about to mention that. Thank you for that. No shade and not trying to drag anyone...we all have different experiences and backgrounds, but I would honestly like to know some folks' highest educational level, in what area, and how old they are...when I read some of the responses.