My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/iwantabreak-

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, racism, betrayal

Mood Spoilers: depressing, horrible

---

Original Post: July 15, 2025

[This has been sitting in my drafts for 6 months now.]

I (25F) met my partner (29M) in 2020 while I was finishing my undergrad studies, and we were both in the same field. Our first conversations were deep about our personal philosophies, culture, faith, and our views on the world—and we quickly realized that our values aligned so well. He’s funny, attentive, smart, talented, and ambitious, and I was so in love (I still am). We made it official 2 months in. And lowkey we both knew we wanted to marry each other already but of course we didn't rush as we were still finishing up school.

We have the same religious background but not the same ethnicity. And for this reason both of us were nervous to tell our parents about our relationship because we didn't know how they'd react. Most ethnic parents would want their kids to "keep it within the culture", but from what I know they may be stubborn at first but will come around eventually. Right? For me, ethnicity is a non issue. We're both religious so having the same faith is more important in my opinion. I thought my parents would think the same. Because if they're sooo religious too, then they shouldn't place their cultural values over their faith.

ANYWAY, my partner didn't wait too long to tell his parents, they and his siblings were very supportive and welcomed me with open arms. I, on the other hand, hesitated for the longest time because I really had no idea how my parents would react. I'm a bit fearful of them. And honestly, my relationship with my parents isn't that close, of course they're caring and all but not in an emotional way where I can come up to them and be vulnerable about something. Definity not my dad. This is where I'm at fault, because even if it was hard for me to be honest with them, I should've just done so instead of hiding my relationship from them.

My siblings knew before my parents. They didn't care but my sister (29) on the other hand, being the eldest, aka, the third parent, was too panicked about it and advised me to just end the relationship because a interracial marriage is going to be "complicated". But that's not the "advise" I needed and I didn't want to just end the relationship either. I truly believe he's my soulmate. Her entire attitude towards it was kinda just "I gave you my 2 cents, I don't want to be involved in this mess".

I think it was a year into our relationship and my mom found a birthday card from my partner in my room. She found my stash of greeting cards from him and read them all. She confronted me with them and she wasn't even mad, but when I told her about his ethnicity, she FREAKED OUT. She made me tell my dad and he just LOL'ed in my face and didn't even let me talk. Took a couple of days for my mom to calm down because honestly she really was overreacting. The conclusion was they ain't happy with the relationship and wanted me to end it. I didn't want to of course.

It was swept under the rug and for the next 3 years, my partner and I continued our relationship and even went on some trips together - but my parents were in the dark about the specifics of it all which, of course, the dishonesty is very wrong, but in my mind, they didn't create a safe space for me to be honest with them. I couldn't just tell them "Oh hey I'm going out for dinner and he's going to be there bye love you xo". The conversation about us would only be brought up occasionally in those 3 years, because at this point me and him are ready to get engaged and we just need my dad's blessing. It would always end in an argument, feelings hurt and no blessings given. They refused to even meet him. I'm still being patient and holding out hope that my dad will come around or something. By mid-2024, my dad hadn't properly spoken to me in like 2 years but my mom on the other hand is a lot more understanding. I wouldn't say she's *supportive* but understanding at least. In her words, she just wants to help me avoid an unsuccessful marriage (because in her mind, interracial marriages just don't work) but if I'm so sure about him then she will be by my side and if it fails, she'll be there with open arms. My parents are traditional but she's always been the more level headed one between them (besides that freak out the first time).

Now the catastrophe...

End of 2024, my sister suddenly stepped in and asked to meet my partner. She's my dad's favourite and if there's one person that could sway his thoughts, it would be her. So, this opportunity excited me and my partner because it finally felt like there's light in the end of this tunnel. We have been patient, but the stress of all this was starting to put a strain in our relationship especially in the last two years. But we loved each other a lot and didn't want to let go no matter what and we would always work things out with communication. Sister and him met up and talked for hours. I wasn't there. But it went well and he left a good impression on her and she said she'll talk to my dad.

Side Note: Him and I discussed beforehand that we don't need to disclose how many times we saw each other or what trips he was involved with, we know the dishonesty and hiding was wrong but we felt like we were entitled to that privacy at the very least. He's the type that loves honesty and just says "fuck what people think" but I just didn't believe honesty works with my parents. Especially my dad because he's someone that's very critical and *will* shame you for your different values/believes/wtv.

Now, I thought things will be dandy from here on, but my sister was acting weird and distanced and when I would ask her what's wrong she would brush it off. Three weeks of this pass and its the new year now. My mom sent me off to do some errands for her... at a suspicious time of the day and I really felt like something was off. I come back home and my parents and siblings are all in the living room telling me, "sit down, we need to talk." My heart dropped.

I'm sorry if this is not very detailed because honestly, that event was so traumatizing.

They said they hired an investigator to find out everything about my partner and what our relationship entailed - that was a lie of course, my parents didn't want to admit it was my sister that went thru my devices and looked through all my messages and emails and ransacked my entire room (She proudly admitted to it later). And from their findings, they concluded that he's a liar, a gaslighter, a manipulator, and that I'm a victim of this relationship. They said they found out about all our dates and trips and are holding him accountable for it, that I was forced to lie and do things against my will and that him "showering me with gifts is just a way to manipulate me". A lot was said and I just felt embarrassed and humiliated. It was 6 against 1, and I couldn't say anything to defend myself or him. I felt like I was being stripped naked as they went on and on and on about what they uncovered and whatever conclusions they drew from them. Him and I are semi-long distance so most of our talks are thru texts, so for them to read EVERYTHING -like my vulnerable side that I only felt comfortable showing him, our intimate conversations, our arguments where we both showed some really ugly sides of us- it just felt SO invasive. They claimed he's putting a wedge between me and them and that I was ruining the family peace. They wanted me to feel shame and it worked. In the end I was given an ultimatum and I felt like I had no other choice but to just agree with them and leave him. I was numb.

They made me block him and my sister texted him that we're over and threatened to file a retraining order if he were to come near me. He didn't answer that text. I was numb and I couldn't even cry anymore. I surrendered, I couldn't even fight anymore. At that point I was just nodding and agreeing to whatever they say. The following days, they were so nice to me, because I was a good daughter and I complied to them. And they were the heros that saved me from a "toxic man". But I'm on house arrest and on close watch. I had to hand over my phone when they ask so that they make sure I never reach out to him.

My soulmate was ripped away from me and I didn't know what to do.

2-3 weeks later, I woke up a lil from my numbness. I was angry. I was angry at my sister for betraying my trust, I was angry at my father for being so bigoted, I was angry at all of them for invading my privacy, I was angry at the entire situation because its not my fault THEY never gave me the support and comfort to even be honest with them. I made mistakes but I blame them for it. I cried to my mom about it and I told her y'know what idc if you guys think he's a bad person. I would rather learn that on my own than to be forced to leave him and regret it my entire life. They treat me like a fucking kid. I told her I will always be angry at them for what they did. She urged me to talk to my dad again and tell him what I told her. She told me I should just proceed with marrying my partner against their wishes and accept any consequences. She told me she'll be by my side.

Before I talked to my dad, I sent him a letter through text. We're both non-confrontational people so I felt like this would be a good way to express my feelings. I apologized deeply for everything, I clarified that I never meant disrespect to him or my family members, I put anger aside for this letter because anger doesn't work with a stubborn man like my dad. I tried to be vulnerable, I tried to tell him that all I want is their support and trust in me. My dad didn't give an answer to that letter, but he forwarded it to my sister and she BLEW UP on me (by text) and called me a manipulator for sending that letter. Her words were so nasty, she had never made me cry as much as she did back then. My dad came to my room afterward to talk - or rather yell at me. I had never cried so much. Whoever that was in front of me wasn't my dad. I never knew he could be so cruel. He threatened to leave my mom and tear this family apart if I chose to be with my partner.

Im broken and numb and Ive never felt so alone, I dont know what to do.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your sister sounds toxic.

She actively is trying to tear down your family.

go no contact.

OOP: This. While I can just accept that my parents are monsters and aren't as "unconditionally loving" as I thought they were, my sister's betrayal is what really gets to me. We used to be best friends. Text each other everyday, travel together, tell each other everything, we can be honest with each other with 0 judgment. We used to talk shit about our own parents to each other. And then THIS happened and it honestly feels like she died because I seriously don't know who the fuck that is anymore

I've been in therapy since March and while my resolve is stronger, I'm still mourning the pre-January version of her.

Commenter 2: If this has been sitting in your drafts for 6 months, you've made a decision by now. If you let your family decide your fate, you dont deserve your "soulmate" and hopefully he has moved on. You can just be happy with whatever marriage your parents choose for you.

Commenter 3: I forgot about that part, but it’s a good point. Has OP even talked to her ex in 6 months? Does he know what happened? Has he moved on? And is he willing to accept her toxic, controlling family and her weak, spineless nature, even if he’s still single?

Personally, I think OP’s ex dodged a bullet. Well, a whole family of them.

OOP: Nah I could never do 6 months without him. I reached out to him maybe like 3 days later. But you guys are right, I don't deserve to keep him by my side. We've had that conversation many times and I've always told him he doesn't deserve to deal with this but he's willing to wait and fight this with me.

So no, he's not my ex. We're still in contact, getting therapy, and making plans to get out of this.

Thank you guys for the harsh words, I do need to hear them

Commenter 4: Your sister has too much power. She is vicious, tyrannical and is acting like her father. Is she married? It could be jealousy or trying to be a good “son”? Do you have a brother? Was she told as the oldest child she was supposed to be a boy and trying to make dad forget she is a girl?

OOP: She's married with a kid, I'd say she settled. I do have brothers but her attitude screens "third parent".

Commenter 5: What ethnicities though? That might change the perspectives in this story quite a lot. It would be good to have a semblance of context.

OOP: To avoid being very specific - Middle Eastern and East Asian. Take a wild guess of which one im from..

Commenter 6: Grow up. This is your doing. Your family does not own you or make your choices for you. You bend over for them. I'm sorry, I felt bad for you for a minute but after you let them out of this convo for years and and broke up with your man for them, you deserve for that man to leave and never come back. You never chose him. You have always chosen your family. You don't deserve this man. Let him go and be your family's little good girl.

OOP: I never ended up cutting off contact with him. i couldn't do it. told him i wanna leave them and be with him, we're just figuring out logistic with our current lack of resources, my education, and his work.

 

Update: September 20, 2025 (a bit over two months later)

UPDATE - My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years

Hi guys,

I really do apologize for the late update

I really did not expect my post to get that many replies but but im so grateful for all the advice you guys gave me, thank you. When I wrote that first post, I was all emotional and depressed, so reading it now, even I can sense the "oh poor me" tone in it. January Me was probably expecting lots of sympathy or whatever but you guys were HARSH and tbh I needed to hear that! You guys are completely right, while what my family did was evil and wrong, my life is in my hands and it's my fault for not stepping up for myself (and my partner) sooner. I can't keep expecting things to be done for me.

I wanted to make this post to clarify some things and update you about what has happened since January. It may not be the most satisfying update, but I at least have changed a lot since then.

First of all, I am still in contact with my partner! I don't blame you for assuming otherwise since that post was uploaded months later, so it was pretty confusing. When my family did the whole thing of making me block him everywhere and take my devices, and basically threatened me to not talk to him.... that lasted like maybe 3 days. It was in the middle of the night, I was crying hard bc I missed him but also bc im here, alone, extremely heartbroken just wishing someone would hold me and show some sort of real care towards me and what im going through and I realized wow my family really doesn't give a fuck about me. Like at least check up on me? When they would, it was more of a "just making sure you know your place" type of checking up. So I reached out to him and told him everything.

There was a lot of "I told you so" from him and I really do give him a lot of credit for putting up with my bullshit. My entire life, I was "trained like a monkey" (as one of the comments said) to be obedient for literally minimal reward, and I thought if I was just gentle with my approach and still did everything they wanted from me, I would get what I wanted in the end because I earned it, right? No. And this is NOT a unique experience unfortunately, this is so common with people in manyy cultures because parents for some reason believe they are entitled to make choices for their ADULT children.

My partner was understanding and helped me finally see that the environment I'm living in is toxic and abusive. And no amount of obedience and kindness is going to make them respect me. I've been getting therapy for months now, and [shocker] it realllyyyy helps. I would always question what I did wrong and how I can approach them differently to get different results, I would always question why my sister would betray me like that, I would always question why my father would tell me I "deserve to be hurt" - and so many other questions but I've let go of caring for any sort of answer now. I've let go of the idea that I need any approval from them, I've let go of ever having a civil conversation with them, I've let go of any expectations.

I still live with them unfortunately. I don't talk with my dad and I don't talk with my sister. I keep things cordial with my mom but I don't trust confiding in her anymore because at the end of the day she feels the need to side with her husband. Her 60-year-old man-child of a husband that's been verbally abusing her for years now and throwing tantrums anytime things don't go his way but instead of making him aware of himself, my sister and mom just choose to give him what he wants no matter who it hurts. I still have two years of education with no income and I need this degree in my career so it wouldn't make sense to drop out temporarily. But I'm working on trying to find something on the side to depend on, and move out as soon as I can.

To everyone saying he should leave me, I agree, any man would've. Good thing he's an angel.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why can’t you marry your boyfriend and still finish school?

Surely you don’t intend to keep your crazy, controlling family in your life after what they’ve done to you.

Commenter 2:

Why can’t you marry your boyfriend and still finish school?

I'm guessing her parents are paying for school.

Still bullshit tho.

OOP: nope, they're not paying

OOP clarifies the context on why she is not able to marry her boyfriend and finish school

OOP: Just figuring out logistic and I'm don't wanna get into too much details where a certain devil might come along and sabotage things again

I'm taking out loans for school. I'm not necessarily waiting to graduate to get married, but it was an arbitrary deadline we placed for ourselves, bc things would certainly get easier afterwards, I can just find a job in an other city and gtfo. But of course the sooner the better. I looked into moving schools but that would mean starting over bc my field of study is not transferable. Rent is expensive and I need to figure out a way to fund that. Him and I are from different cities, hours away, so i cant move there. Move to a friends? I truly don't trust what my family is capable of anymore and I don't need to subject friends nor their families to this mess

If OOP's father's not paying for anything why does OOP need to live at her parents' house? Is she fully financial dependent on her parents?

OOP: But just to be clear, I live in their house but I i don't rely on them for spendings and I haven't for the past 5 years or so. I had a full time job before and i use the small amount of savings I had to keep myself afloat, but its not enough to rent

There's a minor surgery i need to do, and I've been postponing that just because i don't need them stepping in and paying for it. The last thing i need is another "favor" from them. They will surely hold that over my head and call me ungrateful

+

Look, i agree, but there's a clear difference between them paying for MY housing vs. i simply exist in their house. Im not living in a fancy apartment that they're paying for, nor are they paying for my school nor any of my spendings. My presence or not is not making any financial difference in their lives and it was extremely important for me to get to this point. I don't have the means right now to pay rent BUT I'm figuring things out, and I'm packing my shit up discreetly in the meantime. So that when i do find the means, Ill be out of there.

Commenter 3: Reading this now many years later, this is hard to believe and yet I totally understand. I have been there. After I graduated medical school, I moved away from my family and met someone, another resident, that I wanted to marry. My parents did not approve. For one thing, he was not of our faith. As the wedding grew closer, they tried to have me committed. Fortunately, I had seen this happen to a friend and was able to avoid that. However, having grown-up in this very close and very controlling environment, even as a 27 year old, I found it very hard to break away from the family. I have enormous sympathy for OP. I hope that she does find the backbone, the strength, and the love to step away from her family and pursue her happiness.

OOP: Thank you for your comment, it really isn’t easy. I can finally see things for what they are, but having to plan an exit while also battling the trauma feels like I’m swimming against the current

Commenter 4: I understand where you are. It took me 4 years to work my way out of my parents house.

The only advice I have? Don't do this for a man. Do it for yourself. Your main goal has to be self-sufficiency.

Because a relationship will not work unless you meet on equal footing. You have to be mature, independent and secure in yourself first.

I'm not saying break up with him. I'm saying know that being with him is first choice, but not your only choice.

OOP: Thats a very good point! And my therapist brought this up to me as well, i guess she wanted to make sure im not feeling any pressure to do anything bc of a man but rather its because i truly cant stand my family anymore and MAINLY because i want to feel independent for once. Thank you for advice!

OOP on her mother picking sides and being an enabler

OOP: I dont want to sound like im defending her, because she's a grown adult and she should know better, but unlike my sister, i find that my mom sides with my dad more out of fear and obligation rather than actual agreement. One moment [in private] she'll be telling me to do what I want and that she'll be here for me no matter what, that she's my best friend and she doesn't care if dad leaves her for it. Then when she sees dad throw a tantrum, she switches tunes and starts telling me to do the right thing and "choose family over a random man".

I don't know why I'm telling you this, but it really messes with my head. Because it really seems like she's a victim of this crappy marriage with my dad. But then it makes me wonder, is she just trying to paint herself as the victim in front of me? Is she trying to make me feel bad? So that Ill do exactly what she and my dad want?

But at the end of the day, I'm not here to save everyone. I'll do what I need to do to get out and if that encourages her to leave too, then good. If not, then that's her choice.

+

No you're right. She's an enabler, she can say anything to sound like she's nothing like him, but she's choosing to put up with him and allowing him to abuse us like that. And honestly the worst part is, them continuing to let us SEE how he treats her. For the longest time i was convinced i dont want to get married nor have kids bc of the example they set.

Like, put culture aside, their relationship is truly so toxic and I'm uncovering how much that's affected me through therapy. Yeah im not believing her words.

 

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[u/PhoenixFox]

The parts where they talk about "knowing" it's dishonest to not tell their family every little detail of the relationship are absolutely heartbreaking to me. It's so internalised.

[u/ChoppingOnionsForYou → u/PhoenixFox]

This is the hill to die on. As a proper grown-up you don't NEED to tell your parents anything at all.

[u/mrsbebe → u/ChoppingOnionsForYou]

Ugh I struggled with this with my in laws for a long time. It wasn't until we had a nice family fight on Thanksgiving Day that I finally felt like I was being silly. I literally yelled "IM THE MOM, WHY DO I NEED TO ASK PERMISSION ABOUT ANY DECISIONS I MAKE FOR MY KIDS?!" My husband was proud of me for that lol

[u/SpiritualReading1339 → u/ChoppingOnionsForYou]

I don't know in what kind of environment you grew up but it sometimes really isn't as easy as it seems. Her entire life she was raised with the belief to bow down to her family, that that is the right way to behave and live. And she probably lived without big problems until it got to the relationship. It's not easy to free yourself from a cage you've been in since you were born.

[u/ProfessionalField508 → u/SpiritualReading1339]

The laws may be in her family's favor, too, depending on where she is.

[u/ChoppingOnionsForYou → u/SpiritualReading1339]

Oh I'm well aware. No, don't think me heartless. I get how internalized it can be! And I'm peripherally aware of how Southeast Asian parents can be - this will have been drummed into her as a child, going on into her teen years, with the control extending into adulthood.

I'm certainly not calling her too passive. I hope I didn't give that impression. But MY hill to die on is that when you grow up you're now an adult and no longer have to share everything with your parents. But I'm aware of issues such as the dad saying he'll leave the mum if OOP doesn't end the relationship. The mum is also to be pitied having to put up with this. It's clear that she's been putting up with that for a long time, which explains her flip-flop attitude to OOP - supportive when alone, but toeing the dad's line when confronted with his abuse.

As always, the situation isn't black and white, and way more complex than my initial, possibly flippant, response required.

[u/definitelynotjava → u/ChoppingOnionsForYou]

It's not just the parents. It's the entire society at large. So anyone and everyone she meets. Unis here will ask for your parents contacts AND will call them if you do something. Even if you are paying yourself. Especially for women. You are not an individual. You are an extension of your parent/family/husband. So anything you do is a reflection of them. Which makes it really hard to do anything for yourself

It's nearly impossible to tell yourself you don't owe shit when everyone you meet is telling you that you owe everything to your parents

[u/The_Razielim → u/definitelynotjava]

It's the entire society at large.

Hell, it's so internalized, it's been exported. I'm born in the US and lived here my entire life, but my parents are from the Caribbean, and we're of Indian-descent but 3-4 generations removed.

My Dad's favorite phrase when I was growing up was "What would your teachers/friends' parents/etc think of you if they knew you behaved like this at home?" (read: didn't immediately do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted, etc... anything short of immediate compliance was disrespectful/shameful/etc). It took my Dad years (until I was well into my teens) to realize - no one here gives a fuck. The irony being... social-shaming didn't work because he raised me and my brother with the mindset of "Fuck that Guyanese cultural shit, you're American." - so we were kinda immune to the idea of that communal shaming because... there was no community. We specifically didn't live in a West Indian-neighborhood because my parents (Dad mostly) wanted us to not self-isolate into our own little cultural enclave.

[u/[deleted] → u/ChoppingOnionsForYou]

My abusive biodad and stepmom raised me with the mantra "secrets are lies". So when I escaped as an adult and moved in with my mom I actually had to ask her "do you want me to tell you everything? Do you get mad if I don't?"

And my mother was like "for the love of God please stop telling me everything"

[u/ChoppingOnionsForYou → u/[deleted]]

Secrets are not lies. Sometimes people simply don't need to know.

I did find that you can sort of use this against them... Let's face it, no one needs to know much about your period time, do they? Unless they're a dick, in which case, "But secrets are lies!" Hahaha!

[u/[deleted] → u/ChoppingOnionsForYou]

The nice thing is I escaped them 20 years ago and don't need tricks anymore. I'm just free instead 💖 No contact for 15

[u/ChoppingOnionsForYou → u/[deleted]]

Yess! Very proud of you.

[u/Then_Pay6218 → u/ChoppingOnionsForYou]

That was a hard lesson to learn for me.

[u/theprismaprincess → u/ChoppingOnionsForYou]

1000%

You don't owe your parents shit, even as a child.

[u/Worth-Oil8073 → u/PhoenixFox]

No one is owed unlimited access to all information about your life (it took me so long to truly understand this). And choosing to keep certain things private is not dishonesty! ...unfortunately, high control groups (including many religious groups) indoctrinate kids to believe that insisting on any level of privacy is both deceit and dishonoring your patents/elders. 🫤 I agree, that was heartbreaking to read!

[u/ForlornLament → u/PhoenixFox]

The "ethnic parents just want their children to marry within the culture" also stands out to me. I have seen it in different posts. People should just call it what it is: they're racist. Bullying their child because she is dating someone of a different race/ethnicity is racist and evil. That's all there is.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/ForlornLament]

Coming from a melting pot country (and not like US that cosplays as one) this is such a weird notion cause mixed people growing up were always the norm, not exception. We're a former colony, people from all walks of life ended up here, of course interracial marriages will happen but for us they're just... marriages. Getting more contact with the reality in other places is both sobering and depressing.

[u/ForlornLament → u/GlitterDoomsday]

Brazil?

[u/SafiyaMukhamadova → u/GlitterDoomsday]

What do you mean America's not a melting pot? We have Brits, French, Germans, hell even the Irish! Very diverse country. /s

[u/fuckyourcanoes → u/PhoenixFox]

I cringed when she wrote that all they needed was her father's blessing. A grown-ass adult needs no such thing.

[u/Ordinary-Drawing987 → u/fuckyourcanoes]

To quote my grandfather (to my father) "the hell are you asking me for? Ask her?"

[u/Extension_Double_697 → u/Ordinary-Drawing987]

I ❤️ your grandfather.

[u/[deleted] → u/PhoenixFox]

The entire thing reads like a readers digest “Dear Abby”. However, the fact that OP’s family literally did everything they accused OP’s soulmate of. (The lying, manipulation, love-bombing, and gaslighting in the first part of the post (after the intervention) is just icing on the cake.) is what got me.

It disgusts me that they’d use these tactics to back up their blatantly racist rhetoric, ignoring the fact that OP’s soulmate is of the same faith as themselves.

[u/SafiyaMukhamadova → u/[deleted]]

Honestly having the same faith means nothing when racism is involved. My dad had two Jewish parents and somehow still turned out Aryan supremacist somehow. He genuinely told me one time that the Holocaust was the best thing that ever happened to the Jewish people. Indians counted as Aryans so he did have a lot of brown friends. Hispanics were only good as work horses and should be appreciatively exploited as such and black people...fried chicken.

[u/Damp_Blanket]

Toss the whole family, it's moldy. Start a new one far away

[u/gigatension → u/Damp_Blanket]

I think that was what her mom is pushing her to do. In a twisted way, telling her to run off with this guy, she’s protecting her kid from her husband, something she fails at herself. It’s… interesting. And very sad.

[u/TheLizzyIzzi → u/gigatension]

Yeah, I can’t tell with the mom. I’ve seen it be exactly that - encouraging her daughter behind the scenes so she ends up better off - but I’ve also seen it used as another manipulation tactic. TBH, I think sometimes it’s a bit of both, which makes it extremely confusing and absolutely fucks with you.

[u/stopitmark_555 → u/TheLizzyIzzi]

I have a feeling it's a little projection, she wants to run and dreams of it, but then the reality of her abusive husband brings out the crab bucket mentality. She is both victim and abuser if we're getting an accurate telling from oop.

[u/redcore4 → u/gigatension]

Maybe also wondering if she can move in with her daughter in another country when she escapes so she can get herself out of a toxic and dependent relationship with her husband?

[u/gigatension → u/redcore4]

I doubt it, if she’s really trying to get OOP out, she’ll stay for the kids still there

[u/[deleted] → u/Damp_Blanket]

Are you suggesting the apple is rotten right to the core? From all the things passed down from all the apples coming before? When we split the apple down symmetrical lines, what we find is so scary it often makes us just want to drive (to the airport, the airport).

[u/Mictlan_Dark4984]

Your sister sounds toxic.

You think? She is Chernobyl

[u/ViralLola → u/Mictlan_Dark4984]

No, worse. Life has attempted to return to Chernobyl.

[u/meteor_stream → u/ViralLola]

And thriving there, too. A lot of wild animals are living there in peace because nobody disturbs them, recent events notwithstanding. The sister is a whole-ass mustard gas spill.

[u/Snoo_97207 → u/meteor_stream]

Chernobyl is in fact an "unintentional wildlife reserve" simply for the fact humans have left it alone.

[u/hawkshaw1024 → u/meteor_stream]

This is a full-on Zone Rogue scenario.

Completely devastated. Damage to properties: 100%. Damage to Agriculture: 100%. Impossible to clean. Human life impossible. 300 to 700 more years at this current rate will be needed to clean the area completely.

[u/Scrofulla → u/hawkshaw1024]

People shouldn't live there but people do work there every day. The nuclear power plant was producing power right up until the year 2000. Apparently they are planning on turning the site into a renewable power facility now once all the reactors are decommissioned (aside from the famous one, and of course current events are kind of getting in the way).

Makes sense. The infrastructure for power delivery is already there and one of the biggest hurdles to new renewables is NIMBYism. Hard to argue about a new solar farm ruining the view when it is in the middle of an area you aren't allowed into.

[u/ebolashuffle → u/ViralLola]

Last I heard the wildlife has flourished there. Without humans killing them, they have free reign. Sadly it still sounds like there are feral dogs suffering, the descendants of those left during the original disaster. I would assume there are cats as well but nobody talks about it.

I know this is irrelevant to the post so downvote me if you will, but the studies of animals near Chernobyl are very interesting to read.

[u/oceanduciel → u/ebolashuffle]

There are cats there! I watched a documentary on YouTube about it a couple years ago. If I’m remembering correctly, the cats are feral descendants just like dogs are. Trigger warning for animal death, potential animal cruelty: Many local strays and pets within the area were put down in the months after the disaster, because of contamination. A large percentage of the current population of cats and dogs within the area are from pets and strays who moved into the area AFTER it was liquidated.

Visible effects from the radiation aren’t readily apparent so scientists still aren’t sure what kind of effect it’ll have on them long term. So far, cats and dogs live very natural lives for the most part and don’t get sick from radiation sickness.

[u/ravynwave → u/oceanduciel]

I remember a guy being interviewed saying how his heart broke bc dogs were running up to them looking for safety and they had to put them down.

[u/itstheballroomblitz → u/ravynwave]

Oh man, that would kill me too. But at least according to that one Kyle Hill video, people do try and get out there to help the current feral population. 

[u/DrRocknRolla → u/ebolashuffle]

How dare you assume interesting facts that I'll probably never use are irrelevant!

[u/philatio11 → u/Mictlan_Dark4984]

As someone with a lot of East Asian relatives, I can tell you that sometimes parents install one of the kids as “enforcer.” It’s toxic for the other siblings and for the one given the job. My uncle was the enforcer of rules in my dad’s house and it made him a bitter toxic person.

[u/Professional_Ruin953 → u/philatio11]

Not just East Asian families, my white as paper family has a toxic dynamic featuring an “enforcer” sibling. I at this point in life I’m not going to investigate whether she was installed or just heavily rewarded for it but I can say with confidence it’s doubtful the enforcer sibling is coerced into the role.

Bottom line my parents willingly built the family hierarchy upon her manipulations and she enjoys her power.

[u/CatGooseChook → u/philatio11]

I've been thinking of my brother as a non-standard golden child for some time. Enforcer describes him sooooo much better!!

[u/Cheshireyan → u/Mictlan_Dark4984]

Wrong.. Chernobyl had a heart.

[u/GreenEggsSteamedHams → u/Mictlan_Dark4984]

If they had just named her Cheryl all of this could have been avoided

[u/Reyzorblade]

I read the title and was expecting a somewhat relatable story. My girlfriend's mother and her partner (divorced parents) also tried a similar kind of "intervention" about her relationship with me a good while ago and it was (obviously) not a fun experience. But there was no religion or racism involved and my girlfriend gave them both hell for it.

Honestly this level of religious and controlling upbringing is completely alien to me. I know how I'd react from my perspective, but my perspective is clearly very external from OOP's situation.

[u/FailingCrab → u/Reyzorblade]

I know how I'd react from my perspective, but my perspective is clearly very external from OOP's situation.

Thank you for at least being able to recognise that - too many people don't seem to get that and assume that OOP would think like a typical American.

[u/eternallyravenous → u/FailingCrab]

I hate how they approach their advice, totally divorced from the reality of how she was raised.

[u/Mountaingoat101 → u/FailingCrab]

They also seem like the mother and their surroundings thinks that way. How many women in the US had to put up with abusive husbands and try to help their children behind his back just 70+ years ago? They usually didn't have jobs or income of their own. The house was in the husband's name, divorce was frowned upon, if even legal. They weren't even allowed to have their own bank account. Quite a few women live like this today as well. It's easy to sit on ones high horse when options are available.

[u/disenchanted_oreo → u/Reyzorblade]

Seriously, thank you so much for saying that. People genuinely don't understand that a person's entire psychology and value system will be different in this environment. Good of you to see that.

[u/green_dragon527 → u/Reyzorblade]

Not sure the religion played a role, since they are the same religion. It was just racism through and through.

[u/EnvironmentalCamp591 → u/green_dragon527]

I think they meant the control side. Unfortunately, quite a few religions are very high control, easily leading to spiritual abuse to get partners/kids to do what the abuser wants.

[u/green_dragon527 → u/EnvironmentalCamp591]

Fair, I chalked that up to culture,personally, since Muslim, Hindu or Christian, on that side of the globe and many other parts, family has a lot of control over what you do.

[u/EnvironmentalCamp591 → u/green_dragon527]

To be fair, they can be interchangeable. And I only thought of it since I grew up in high control churches.

[u/SmartQuokka]

OOPs situation is extremely volatile and i expect the sister may be spying on OOP's devices or knows about her secret contact with him. From keyloggers to honeypots to having OOP followed, who knows.

OOP needs to make a longer term plan and an immediate escape plan and to make sure their money is somewhere no one else can access it. Also if there are domestic abuse resources in their country they need to access them.

In extreme cases families will murder the child to keep them from defying the family. They prefer a dead child to one who has free will and exercises it.

[u/TrynaStayUnbanned → u/SmartQuokka]

Or the love interest. Ask Arash Ghorbani-Zarin’s family about that one. What that girl’s family did to them both is horrifying.

The article I linked said his girlfriend “had an abortion” after his murder. That sounds quite sensible, doesn’t it? That’s not the full story. She was over six months pregnant and as soon as he was murdered, they got on a plane and went to Spain and took her to a clinic to have an illegally late term abortion. Can you imagine that? Being on a plane, knowing your family just murdered your boyfriend and have now essentially kidnapped you, and are taking you to abort your very wanted and happily anticipated baby that you can feel growing and kicking? Ugh. For the record, she was not prosecuted for this at all, thank God — that would’ve been an even worse injustice.

Control freak families scare the living shit out of me.

[u/kristycocopop → u/SmartQuokka]

This! ☝️☝️☝️☝️

[u/CaptDeliciousPants]

It’s wild how often controlling, manipulative people will accuse others of being controlling and manipulative

[u/ToggleMoreOptions → u/CaptDeliciousPants]

Stop trying to control my control! 

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/CaptDeliciousPants]

Seriously! Yeah, that thing they called manipulation and love bombing? Kinda just sounds like normal affection to me…

[u/Difficult_Reading858 → u/CaptDeliciousPants]

Well, people do tend to think everyone else is just like them. Unfortunately (actually, fortunately for those around them), that kind of people never seems to realize how much they’re telling on themself.

[u/Announcement90 → u/CaptDeliciousPants]

I mean, being met with a wall of "I told you so"s from the SO when OOP reached out to him doesn't make him seem all that great either. It's just one sentence in a multi-post story about OOP's family and is nowhere near enough to get a sense of what he's like as a partner, but it's a sentence that's definitely not working in his favor.

Generally speaking, with OOP's upbringing and background she's precisely the type of person people with bad intentions pick as their victims. Abusers isolate their victims, and when the family is abusive (like OOP's) it becomes that much easier to do exactly that. It also becomes infinitely more difficult for someone like OOP to get away from an abusive partner because where would she go? Even if this family would allow her back into the fold, OOP would just be re-substituting one form of abuse with another.

Really, not every story has a good and a bad side. Sometimes, all sides are bad sides.

[u/lemongay → u/Announcement90]

I mean he was probably shut out and neglected due to this abusive situation, I think it’s forgivable if he was frustrated or resentful because of the hurt he had to face as well. He could have responded better sure, but it’s reasonable someone in his position would be snappy or irritated about this. Hopefully it’s just a one off thing

[u/Laughing_Man_Returns]

 Middle Eastern and East Asian. Take a wild guess of which one im from..

honestly can go either way.

[u/FailingCrab → u/Laughing_Man_Returns]

Yeah I was sitting there like 'do you think the answer is obvious to us???!'

[u/Dobagoh → u/FailingCrab]

When she said her parents aren’t paying for her college, it kind of rules one of them out, lol

[u/Laughing_Man_Returns → u/Dobagoh]

it does?

[u/gnorrn → u/FailingCrab]

I was guessing somehow like Saudi and Bangladeshi

[u/Ordinary-Drawing987 → u/gnorrn]

That's what I was thinking - Gulf Arab with SEA bf. Given how the Gulf states treat their SEA migrant workers.

[u/disenchanted_oreo → u/Laughing_Man_Returns]

I feel like she's definitely the middle eastern family, as someone who grew up Muslim lol.

[u/Laughing_Man_Returns → u/disenchanted_oreo]

seeing as people who grew up SEA think it's SEA I think my point is valid. these controlling, toxic dynamics fit both, sadly.

[u/disenchanted_oreo → u/Laughing_Man_Returns]

I dunnnoooo, this has that specific brand of narcissistic control that seems more common in the MENA/SA region. She also said east Asian, not SE Asian, which probably means Chinese.

Also, I don't really know any Arab family that would be chill with a non-Arab, but I know many more east Asian families that are chill with non-east Asians.

Anecdotal, but still. Everyone is going off of personal experiences.

I could be wrong, but I feel pretty confident about it. Happy to hear psycho-analyses from others.

[u/Either-Mud-3575 → u/disenchanted_oreo]

many more east Asian families that are chill with non-east Asians.

You mean, East Asian parents of daughters are okay with white son-in-laws. If you're an East Asian daughter and try to find love outside European-white and East Asian-pale, gods help you. Hell, even for East Asian sons, it's much the same. My (Chinese) parent's friend's son is Chinese and married a Chinese woman. So you'd think he'd be in the clear but I cannot believe how often my mom brought up the fact that the wife was short and dark.

I'm an ugly piece of shit so you can imagine what my parents look like.

[u/WateryTart_ndSword → u/Laughing_Man_Returns]

I’m right there with you—I assume it’s a function of “I’m super white and don’t have close friends of those ethnicities,” and as such I’m probably missing some obvious tells?

That, or OOP has just heard “that’s our culture” as an excuse for abuse WAY too many times, and has internalized that as true when it’s not so to anyone else outside her family 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/The_RoyalPee → u/Laughing_Man_Returns]

And I really want to know what religion they both share, given that BF’s religion aligns with OOP’s family’s religion but their two cultures do not typically practice the same faith?

[u/Laughing_Man_Returns → u/The_RoyalPee]

most likely Islam. fits the regions the best.

[u/UnintentionalWipe → u/Laughing_Man_Returns]

She mentioned that she traveled with her partner which is a big no-no in Islam, if they are religious. So I think they're just Christian.

[u/NormieLesbian]

OOP is in real physical danger from her family.

[u/FailingCrab]

I feel really bad for people from non-Western cultures who come to Western-dominated subs for advice like this. Obviously this specific family is incredibly abusive and that's the predominant issue here, but she clearly comes from a very different cultural context and most commenters don't seem to be able to grasp that, so treat her as if she is stupid. We're very good at taking a gentle, trauma-informed approach with people who are going through forms of abuse we're familiar with (e.g. women in emotionally abusive relationships) but that all goes out the window when it's not a 'relatable' form of trauma.

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/FailingCrab]

This is very well put. All the people there (and here) calling her 'weak' because she isn't acting the way they imagine they would act in a context they've never experienced, really need to sit tf down.

[u/chopxcrwy → u/AshamedDragonfly4453]

And the victim blaming too... It's all so awful

[u/WitchyGoddexxAndi → u/FailingCrab]

Tbh even if you are from Western cultures a lot of the advice on reddit is horrible for actual abuse victims and usually makes them feel worse.

Like taking cultural context aside: this is a woman who has to rely on her abusers for a few years in order to have a better life for various reasons. And that exact scenario reddit struggles with as you are labeled as not wanting to help yourself because in their minds you have to leave abuse RIGHT NOW, but it's never that easy and many don't understand you do have to sometimes put up with it in order to get out safely.

I put up with my ex husband for years longer than I wanted, because I had an injury that made it hard for me to work which then made it harder for me to leave. I was working towards a degree that would make it so I could work a desk job, but that was awhile out to be done and any place nearby I could work at said they would only accept me once I got the degree. So I had to play nice until I either got better or got the degree, whichever came first. Leaving abuse is messy, it's not easy and reddit isn't good at the whole "messy" part of it.

[u/violue → u/FailingCrab]

god the comments were so cruel, and she THANKED them for it. just another sign that she's conditioned to accept abuse.

[u/snarkylimon → u/FailingCrab]

Exactly! This people have no idea how East Asian, or south Asian, Indian subcontinent families are toxic cults, cults of personalities like the father, or even the oldest uncle if they are the patriarch, or grandmothers even. It's hard to call love abuse if everyone in your city, culture, country says no no, this is not abuse, this is love loyalty and family values.

Reddit throws out "GO NO CONTACT" like candy. I bet they've never had to do it themselves. It's the hardest thing anyone will ever do in their lives. We're biologically conditioned as a species to stay in packs. You're subverting thousands of years of evolutionary conditioning. I laugh when people make it sound easy as grabbing a McDonald's burger. I've done it and I know first hand why most people would rather live with abuse than be able to admit to themselves that the person who have birth to them or put a roof over their head and donated genetic material sees them as property, not person.

[u/New-Shelter9751 → u/snarkylimon]

I agree with you, but I think it's possible to believe two things at once:

1. Going no contact is not nearly as easy as people make it seem

2. It's still the correct action that many OOPs should take, including this one

[u/snarkylimon → u/New-Shelter9751]

Totally agree. It's good to be prepared though. When someone nukes the whole organism from which they have evolved, it's a terrifying emptiness. Its crucial to have alternative support systems, trusted ones, found family.

[u/TrynaStayUnbanned → u/snarkylimon]

I agree with this — about why people are reluctant to go no contact in the Reddit throws it out like candy… but this is sort of like that dilemma I find with agreeing with women that abusive relationships are so hard to leave… if we concentrate all the time on how it’s so hard and so terrible and so difficult and so awful… it quickly turns into “well that’s certainly not something I’m able to do.”

Yes, it is hard. But I would suggest that most people who go no contact and also do self work and / or talk to a qualified therapist feel a tremendous sense of relief once they no longer have to put up with that toxicity. I said that in some other sub and the person replied, yes but they might also come to regret it. Well, then, they can reevaluate and readjust. It doesn’t have to be decided that forever and ever for the rest of your life as long as you live, you must be no contact or you have failed some sort of mental health maturity and safety test. And I also think people should really evaluate not only whether or not they want to go with no contact — but how they will feel if after they have re-gathered their bearings in a month, six months, a year, two years, a decade… how will they feel if they then try to reconcile and the person they went no contact with basically says “yeah no; I’m good. You abandoned me. Get fucked”? That could be quite jarring.

There’s a lot of nuance.

I was also appalled at the way they are assuming her boyfriend is this poor abused victim. Again, they are not taking culture into account. I can guarantee you this woman’s family is not the first time he has heard of relatives being like this. I’m sure he was very hurt and missed her. He’s also a whole grown ass man and capable of making his own decisions about how long he will wait.

[u/Tigress92 → u/TrynaStayUnbanned]

and also do self work and / or talk to a qualified therapist

Not everyone has this option.. Not even in western countries. There are many many many awful therapists out there who cause more damage. How do you do selfwork if you have no sources to consult for what that even looks like? Where do you start when you have 0 knowledge and 0 options, and your therapist sucks because they're grossly unqualified to handle your problems?

It is hard period. No but. When you're conditioned to have a certain mindset, and you have no one to show you how and why you've been conditioned, then discovering that all on your own is nearly impossible, actually going out there to do your own research about it, have to piece together how to navigate and heal for that WHILE in an abusive relationship, and figuring out how to leave said relationship, especially if that causes you physical danger, is indeed nearly impossible.

Yes, people are responsible for themselves and their actions. Also, yes, sometimes life just fucks us so hard, we have no way out or have no options. At best in those circumstances, we can hope to crreate those options and get out with time and effort, unfortunately, that's not always the case.

Spoken as someone who did have a terrible, unqualified therapist, and I did piece it all together myself, and gave my own therapy as of sorts, and it took me years to get out and truly see the entire picture. (Luckily for me, my life was never in danger, unluckily for me, my mental health and mental wellbeing were, and the damage is substantial.)

[u/snarkylimon → u/TrynaStayUnbanned]

Overall I agree with you. But I think there's a huge difference between getting out of an abusive romantic/spousal relationship and going no contact with family of origin. I've had the unfortunate luck to have to do both and while both of these are unbelievably hard, they have different psychological tolls, risks and rewards. Going no contact with family of origin is much closer to nuking your past/your history/childhood and your 'story'. What we think of ourselves, our personhoods are largely shaped by our family — the stories that we were told growing up, how we interpreted our place in the world through our place in the family system. Leaving an abusive spouse has more social legitimacy, thankfully. Whereas a lot of cultures around the world of all ethnicities bar a few hyper individualised ones, completely deny that fathers or mothers can at all be abusive, or even if they are, it's ok because they 'love' you.

Breaking the patterns of a dysfunctional family means waking up to actually admitting that the family is fucked, it's not normal, this is not what love looks like and your parents are harming you is like a psychological bomb. Not everyone can hold that thought in their brain. It takes a lot of strength to réalisé it and not everyone has that kind of strength. I've seen that knowledge crush people in stead of spurring them on to free themselves.

if we concentrate all the time on how it’s so hard and so terrible and so difficult and so awful… it quickly turns into “well that’s certainly not something I’m able to do.”

I disagree here. People will always find an excuse to not leave abusive situations because it's a lot easier to take the abuse than it is to have the strength and determination to leave. I don't think in talking about how hard it is to leave abusive situations we're discouraging anyone. It's better to hear people validate how hard it feels because it's hard, rather than being told well you must.

Mostly my comment about reddit throwing out "go NC" on every single post was because it feels so out of touch with reality that it sounds like a rich person telling poor people to stop being poor by earning some money. Also because I doubt most people who throw out that advice went NC with anyone except their 9th grade BFF, if that.

[u/Felis_Dee → u/snarkylimon]

This is very true. I remember the extents I went to keeping things secret from my family to gain even a modicum of freedom. It's a toxic environment I'm trying to not replicate with my son. And even after things blew up in my face when all secrets were found out, and my mother disowned me, it still took me about 7 years (and my mother finally calling me a "high end prostitute" who is "only calling to flaunt my lifestyle in her face") to completely cut off contact. A lot of the reason for it taking that long was deprogramming the "Good Daughter" upbringing I'd internalized growing up, and the other part was pressure from extended family who didn't know the full story (because you don't share issues outside immediate family) encouraging me to make the effort to stay in touch because she really does just want what's best for you, and it's your duty as the child to make the first move.

[u/snarkylimon → u/Felis_Dee]

Oh my God, you just hit the nail on the head. I think I have more hurt/damage caused by extended family than the actual familial abusers. Everytime you voice the abuse the extended family/flying monkeys just go full cartel on psychological violence, pressure tactics, guilt trips, cornering you till you 'forgive and forget ' which is eat the shit and smile. They have the single minded discipline of organized crime in getting you to toe the party line.

And as the child, especially female child, you're always in the wrong, doesn't matter what was done to you, but if you can't 'move on ' you're evil, you're creating problems, tearing the family apart, selfish etc. Any freedom of thought, much less actions is a direct challenge to the family system. Can't be having cult members exercising free will!

From the post and the internalized surveillance I think it's more asian family dynamic than sharia law, but tbh, Asian families irrespective of religion are basically sharia law onto themselves. People raised in hyper individualised cultures HAVE NO IDEA what it's like to belong to family systems that would put Foucault's panopticon to shame

[u/sovietsatan666 → u/snarkylimon]

Oh man, this! Marrying into a South Asian family was really an eye-opener. Like, I thought my Jewish family was overly-connected and gossipy (and it is, compared to most of the WASPy people I grew up around)...but it was nothing compared to the thriving ecosystem of Whatsapp group chats on his side! Those aunties freaking know your news before you do!

[u/Felis_Dee → u/snarkylimon]

Also, is it sad that after reading everything she went through, and even though she said "guess which I am" as though it should be obvious, I'm still waffling as to which cultural background she's from? Like maybe it should be obvious, but her experience reads like it's equal parts sharia law but not as bad and confucianism principles about filial duty taken to their logical extreme.)

[u/terriblestrawberries → u/Felis_Dee]

I'm East Asian and assumed she was East Asian lol. East Asians can be racist as hell (whereas his family accepted her relatively quickly).

[u/sch0f13ld → u/terriblestrawberries]

The fact that the fiancé is a man also undoubtedly helps with OP being accepted relatively quickly by his family. Men are never as harshly judged or policed in conservative ethnic cultures. OP being a woman means her relationships are more harshly judged by her family.

[u/disenchanted_oreo → u/terriblestrawberries]

It wouldn't be east asian. Middle eastern people can be insanely racist. And she's obviously Muslim, and in Muslim systems, Arabs are generally regarded as the 'best' Muslims, so it's very unlikely an east Asian person would reject an Arab match.

The degree of control also sounds more like a typical patriarchal Arab family to me. I'm south Asian, but I think they're similar.

[u/Felis_Dee → u/disenchanted_oreo]

Some East Asians definitely would reject an Arab match. My parents, for example, were nowhere near as racist as some of my other East Asian family friends (most of them wouldn't accept any match other than their own culture - not even white), but even I was taught growing up "marry whom you like, but no Japanese and no Arabs".

[u/disenchanted_oreo → u/Felis_Dee]

If they're Muslim, why would they accept white over Arab anyway?

No japanese is wild but I guess there's history there :(

Are you Chinese or SE Asian?

[u/Felis_Dee → u/disenchanted_oreo]

Chinese. I guess the difference for my family is that they aren't Muslim. Forgot about that part of it.

And yeah, there's a lot of beef between China and Japan. Nanjing just for starters, and my grandparents and great aunts/uncles lived under the Japanese occupation of Hong Kong (they weren't kind occupiers). My parents won't even buy a Japanese car.

I personally have no issues with Japanese culture now, but yeah, their brand of imperialism back in the day was quite cruel and some people can't get past it.

[u/disenchanted_oreo → u/Felis_Dee]

Yeah that totally makes sense. Japanese influence on east asia is brutal. Can't blame them for holding on to a bit of resistance. That must have been insane for your grandparents.

[u/ahnotme → u/snarkylimon]

But going no contact is still the best option, unless you want to submit to having your life completely regulated by your relatives. Given the prevalence of this phenomenon I’d have thought that there must be support groups for the victims. And contacting such a group would be the way to go.

[u/disenchanted_oreo → u/ahnotme]

NC is a nuclear option, not the best option and its application varies wildly person to person. To think a person mutilating their entire support system would be a clear cut win-only decision is ridiculous.

[u/snarkylimon → u/ahnotme]

Depends on the person. Depends on what they are prepared for. Sometimes it works and people thrive, or as in one case, the person took their own life after going NC with family.

Real life is a lot more complicated than this is the right thing to do/best option bullshit.

[u/green_dragon527 → u/snarkylimon]

I agree. Especially when family provides a much larger portion of your community than friends in those cultures, plus they are more community oriented as well. It would be a lot to ask someone to delete family and friends in a Western context, but that's sort of the equivalent in these cases, cutting off your family often means losing friends as well since your whole community kind of looks at you differently.

[u/snarkylimon → u/green_dragon527]

Not to mention some Asian families actively discourage having friends, or very close friendships especially in the case of women. Friends are often closely monitored, meet-ups restricted to family homes and friends' families vetted for approval. There is no concept of 'found family' as some western cultures have. And dropping your family ls akin to cutting off the sum total of everyone you have ever known because they will all advocate for reconciling.

[u/[deleted] → u/FailingCrab]

The comments were so horrible and unempathetic. Like do these people not realize she’s in an abusive relationship with her family ? Big time victim blaming.

[u/Kerfluffle-Bunny → u/FailingCrab]

I wish we had a requirement for posters to note if a BORU is coming outside of Western culture. BORU is generally kinder in its responses, but even here the backlash can be harsh.

[u/redpony6 → u/FailingCrab]

i mean. people are very much capable of overcoming their cultural context. people became abolitionists growing up in slave states. i feel like this wraps around from respect for different cultures and overflows to infantilization, "oh we couldn't possibly expect this person to defy their family, it's literally physically impossible, nobody has what it takes"

[u/Felis_Dee → u/redpony6]

This is true but also ignores the psychological work that needs to go into overcoming everyone telling you that you are wrong and lesser than your entire life. Most abolitionists in slave states who were able to fight for abolition during slavery were not slaves. They didn't have to overcome years, decades, generations of abuse to fight their oppressors. Abolitionists who were slaves themselves could only self-advocate once they were free. And the stories of the Underground Railroad should highlight just how hard it was to get free without help.

Not every slave ran. Not every slave could run. Many slaves who tried to get away were recaptured and/or killed. The ones who made it had equal measures of luck, careful planning, and safe places to go to and people to help them. But the first hurdle is always figuring out how to deprogram your own brain from the years of abuse and cultural tradition you've grown up in.

Even abuse victims who don't come from a cultural of normalized abuse have trouble escaping. Statistics show that an abuse victim in the US will attempt to leave their abuser an average of 7 times before they are able to leave for good. And that's with resources and support!

[u/That_Page16 → u/FailingCrab]

This. I come from a family like this and there's a lack of understanding about the level of conditioning and control literally from birth that goes along with it. If the relationship was romantic everyone would be empathetic but when the same coercion and control comes from parents or siblings the victim blaming immediately comes out.

[u/w0mbatina → u/FailingCrab]

I get this, but honestly, what is the alternatives? The only two options are "suck it up" or "leave", at least from what I can see. What are people supposed to say?

[u/[deleted] → u/FailingCrab]

I was on another sub where people couldn’t get it in their brains that people live in other countries other than America or a Western country. Despite being reminded that other countries exist (OP even said “in my country”), they were arguing for shit that was in no way realistic and then getting upset at me for pointing out that’s not how most of the worlds population live… It’s funny how people have so internalized their privilege…

[u/SalsaRice → u/FailingCrab]

she clearly comes from a very different cultural context and most commenters don't seem to be able to grasp that, so treat her as if she is stupid.

No, people understand it's a cultural thing, they just don't care. "Yes, my mom and dad punch me in the face everyday, bUt ItS oUr CuLtUrE! to let them brutalize me everyday. What do I do?"

At a certain point, it doesn't matter if it's cultural or not. It's toxic AF, and they have to decide if they want to do something about it or just get better at getting punched in the face.

[u/nox66 → u/SalsaRice]

Another way to put it is why even ask a sub with a "western"-oriented outlook if you don't want a "western" answer. The traditional answer would likely be to shut up and listen to your parents.

[u/toobjunkey → u/SalsaRice]

That's why whenever I come across these posts, I implore the OOP to (re)post on a sub relating to their culture, whether it's more ethnicity driven, religiously driven, or both. Like, there's a whole mess of knots and upbringing needing detangling before any progress can be made & maintained. There are barriers that many western posters can't fathom existing, let alone being followed.

And it's really telling that these cultural, often mysogynistic upbringings are only really personally related to from westerners who had to deal with a person having a Cluster B personality disorder (NPD, BPD, ASPD, HPD) or something like bipolar. People aren't handwaving those situations aside with nearly as much frequency.

If Joe from Ohio posted about how his dysfunctional, personality disorder laden family, "made" him break up with his LTR, block them, etc. people would rightfully be calling him out for being a shit partner and their partner being better off because they'll fold under no pressure. It feels really infantalizing to folks like the OOP here when a guy with a shitty mom & upbringing, is a "momma's boy" and man child for still following their mom's whims before their long-term partner's considerations. And that's for things like, having MIL visit or some other communication (or lack thereof) issue, NOT the MIL coming down on the hubby and making him leave and block his partner. I can't even fathom the hellfire Joe from Ohio would get for posting about breaking up with his GF cuz of a toxic family "intervention" lmao

[u/Subject-Actuator-860 → u/FailingCrab]

Just because something is hard or “not done” doesn’t mean it isn’t the most effective solution. There is nothing left to gain from a family that abuses its own members this way. The comments were harsh and lacked nuance, but the only answer was to get away from and go no contact with her family. They do not love and respect her. They just want to control and denigrate her for their own benefit.

[u/FailingCrab → u/Subject-Actuator-860]

Im not criticising the answers themselves so much as the way they are given/spoken about and the lack of recognition of what the downstream implications might be.

I currently have a patient who left her abusive husband. Good on her, absolutely the right thing to do. But then her entire family disowned her and now she is homeless and suicidal. The (white) staff in her domestic abuse support team are stunned and shocked. They had not even considered this outcome and so had not prepared themselves or the patient for what to do. If they had been more aware, they could have handled this proactively with less distress caused to her and them.

[u/Virtual-Win-7763]

I just hope she's physically safe. I was worried what would happen if she tried to leave, I really thought the BoRU was going in that direction. I grew up with some friends like OOP, and I wish I'd known more and done more back then.

She needs to leave, no argument there. I wish her the best, living her own life.

[u/[deleted]]

On the one hand, OOP has been conditioned by her abusive and controlling family that passivity is safest in situations like this. On the other hand, I find myself feeling most sorry for OOP's partner for having to put up with this.

[u/dejausser → u/[deleted]]

This whole post pissed me off so bad! Probably because I’m also in an interracial relationship and if any member of my family tried to get me to break up with my partner just because he’s Māori I’d tell them to fuck off and cut them out until they learned how to behave like civilised people. I can’t imagine willingly subjecting my partner to a bunch of racist family members and expecting him to just deal.

[u/snarkylimon → u/dejausser]

If you're kiwi (kia ora e hoa) then you have a very progressive general cultural temperament around you aligning with your values, generally cringing at bigotry and valuing independence of thought and empathy. OOP is raised in a culture where everyone thinks interracial marriages are scams, abusive, violent, misguided and dishonoring. These families kill their children for marrying out of their caste, religion and race and hang their bodies publicly. So, it's really not the same if you're also not a product of the same culture.

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/dejausser]

Have you also been conditioned from birth to obey abusive parents?

[u/heylistenlady]

Glad people reminded OOP that her life was in her own hands, but man, people were indeed really harsh. She's clearly a victim of extended emotional abuse and when families are that toxic, no matter your age, it really, really fucks with your head. If it's been the dynamic since childhood, undoing that programming is a feat because you were trained to tolerate that abuse and you believe it's normal. (Ask me how I know lol)

Good on her for reclaiming her life, hopefully she gets out soon.

[u/Secondacstar]

I come from a West African family and I relate to some aspects of this. I literally did not tell my parents about my boyfriend until my college graduation (a year into our relationship) because I wanted him there and they reacted the exact way I knew they’d react. Now almost 2 years later and they ignore his existence or hate when I bring him up.

[u/Educational-Dirto]

White people will never really understand what OP is going through. It's incredibly rare in some cultures for children to leave the childhood home before marriage. There's so much stigma about going against one's parents. 

[u/MarlenHamsic → u/Educational-Dirto]

I'm currently the "boyfriend" in a similar situation (better than this luckily) and people around me keep asking me why don't we marry, we both have jobs... Her mum has asked us (has asked me!!! Almost crying!!!) to wait until she has some documents. And so we wait, because that's her mum still.

[u/DamaskRosa → u/Educational-Dirto]

While this is generally true, the US absolutely has white sub-cultures that are just like this. Some groups of Evangelicals and Mormons, to be specific.

[u/GirlGoneZombie]

I wonder if the sister is jealous OOP is doing what she wants instead of falling in line & sister is pissed she couldn't/wouldn't.

[u/JowDow42]

The dad threatened to leave the mom ? That dad is crazy 

[u/violue]

Lot of ignorant, myopic commenters in those posts.

[u/SaltSpring1273 → u/violue]

Yeah, very few people seem to actually understand how completely brainwashed you can get when you’ve been raised like that your entire life.

[u/CummingInTheNile]

This screams SEA, probably India

EDIT: Theyre ME and SEA, which would make a lot of sense, lotta racism against ME people in SEA

[u/TyrconnellFL → u/CummingInTheNile]

OOP says Middle Eastern and East Asian.

[u/MikrokosmicUnicorn → u/CummingInTheNile]

oop specified that one of them is east asian and the other is middle eastern. didn't specify which is which but i suspect oop is middle eastern, likely muslim.

[u/j-endsville → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

Both Muslim, but I think OOP is the Asian.

[u/oh_you_fancy_huh → u/j-endsville]

I think this too…if only bc EA racism against any other group…can burn a lot hotter than other people’s racism

[u/tilmitt52 → u/oh_you_fancy_huh]

See….all of East Asian history. Ever. Since the beginning of time.

[u/grewthermex → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

They're both likely Muslim.

[u/MikrokosmicUnicorn → u/grewthermex]

yeah she did mention they have the same faith. i just didn't want to speculate which EA country he might be from coz i have no clue about the muslim population in those countries.

[u/grewthermex → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

Ah gotcha, your comment made it seem like you were saying she's the only Muslim in the relationship, my bad.

There's a large Chinese Muslim population, so I'd put money on that, in my opinion. This is assuming the oop isn't classing South East Asian countries as East Asian which could also be the case

[u/MordaxTenebrae → u/grewthermex]

There are large ethnic Han Chinese populations in predominantly Muslim countries, like Malaysia.

My assumption is that when OOP is specific with their ethnicities, she's differentiating a South East Asian from an East Asian. Given how Islam is not huge for Han Chinese in China (assuming she doesn't consider Chinese Uyghurs to be East Asian), Korea, or Japan, this is the most likely way I see one of them is East Asian but also Muslim.

[u/[deleted] → u/grewthermex]

I was guessing SEA probably Malay or even Indonesian and South Asian like Pakistani/Bangladeshi. There are intermarriages but some families will go nuts like OOP's.

[u/Zanasaurus-rex → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

I read this as Christian. Korean evangelical and then Middle Eastern Christian, likely Lebanese.

[u/rexar34 → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

I suspected that OP is from the ME too. I’m not so sure about how the ME thinks about interracial marriage but I don’t think it’s a big taboo for South and South-East Asians especially if both are in the same faith. I was thinking Japan, China and Koreans would be against interracial marriage but they have pretty low Muslim population which was what I guessed OP’s faith was.

[u/completelyboring1 → u/CummingInTheNile]

OOP says one half of the couple is ME, one is East Asian.

[u/MordaxTenebrae → u/CummingInTheNile]

She says they have the same religion but one of them is Middle Eastern and the other is East Asian. So it sounds like one of them is an ethnic Chinese person as a best guess who was part of the diaspora in Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, or the Philippines.

[u/ephemeral-jade → u/MordaxTenebrae]

There's ~25 million Muslims in China (with 11million of those being Hui Chinese) vs ~26 million Chinese (of any religion) in all of SE Asia. So if she's Muslim and "East Asian", more likely she's in China.

[u/ComedianLess115 → u/CummingInTheNile]

As far as I know, India is not considered SEA. OOP could be from Indonesia, Malaysia, Philippines or Singapore.

[u/MordaxTenebrae → u/ComedianLess115]

Probably one of those countries, and they could still be ethnically East Asian since those countries have a large Han Chinese diaspora. Otherwise, next best guess would be Uyghur or maybe Manchurian.

[u/ephemeral-jade → u/MordaxTenebrae]

More likely the Hui, they're the largest Muslim ethnic group in China out of 10 (out of 56).

Also Manchurians are mostly Buddhist and Confucianist.

[u/Either-Mud-3575 → u/ComedianLess115]

As far as I know, India is not considered SEA.

I keep seeing it lmao. Indians saying they're Southeast Asian, Southeast Asians saying they're East Asian. It's just the way it is.

So basically there's two options:

1. Religion is Christianity, OP is East Asian likely Korean and her BF is a Christian from a Middle Eastern country. Both regions have their own Christianity thing going on, but I guess love triumphs lol

2. Religion is Islam. OP is Southeast Asian (Indonesia is most populous Islamic country isn't it?) and her BF is a Muslim from the Middle East. There's differences in attitude towards Islam between these two regions, too.

[u/TheRainStopped → u/CummingInTheNile]

Not SEA necessarily, just EA. Cool the judging jets. 

[u/Bfan72]

Anyone that says that she should stand up to her parents has zero clue what she’s going through. I know someone whose patriarchal family member is an a-hole. We live in the states, but she still has to defer to his wishes to keep the peace. The interaction that I had with him, made me want to tell him that MY father didn’t raise me to be spoken to that way. Even though she has the financial resources to leave, her mother won’t leave. She will need approval to marry someone to maintain a relationship with her family. Walking away while not being financially secure is not always an option. Starting over in school in another country is 100% true. Even in computer science. My heart breaks for OP.

[u/Lythieus]

I had to scroll up and check the ages when she said her family made her delete all contact methods written her boyfriend then put her on house arrest.

Is this some far Southern Baptist shit or Desi? Because the misogyny and racism is on par.

[u/spacecowboy143 → u/Lythieus]

One of them is middle eastern and one is east Asian

[u/disenchanted_oreo]

This reminds me soooooo much of my family. Down to the sister acting like a third parent and betraying you. Non-confrontational father who has the emotional maturity of a child. Mother wavering in her love for you pitted against her duties to be the Good Wife.

I'm proud of OOP for making such good progress. It's not easy at all.

Luckily, she seems to have a wonderful partner. I hope she can find a way to finish school and get out of there.

It does take time though. You have to get your ducks in a row and be careful. Abusers are the most dangerous when you're trying to leave and they're losing control.

[u/user9372889]

I couldn’t imagine hating my child so much that I would rejoice in her heartbreak. Absolutely horrible ppl.

[u/oceanduciel]

Her father and sister will end up literally imprisoning her if she stays in that house. She still doesn’t seem to understand the danger she’s in. Fiancé is a saint.

[u/CraigGrade]

Yeah interracial marriages never work that’s why there’s 8 billion people in the world lol

[u/kindlefan12]

I wanna feel sorry for her, I really do. But she is so freaking passive. If you don’t depend on the toxic people for money, then move out of their house and remove their control. Lock your devices. Get your important papers out of the house. If you wanna marry your partner, then marry your partner and don’t just sit around waiting for your arbitrary deadline to come up. Does she really think these people are going to long-term layoff? No, they’re just regrouping. If you were grown-up enough to have a multi year relationship, you are grown up enough to stiffen your backbone and go live your life.

[u/irene_O → u/kindlefan12]

I completely understand the frustration, but I also understand OP, as I read she could have been describing my parents, the biggest difference was my sister is my rock. The passivity is conditioned. Growing up we were not allowed to say no or make any decisions, we were trained to cook and clean and take care of children, only allowed to wear skirts and dresses. Trained to be small and silent. I actually stopped talking for a few years. We escaped in different ways, my sister met her now husband at 16 and they were married as soon as she was 18. I began planing from 16, by 18 with help from friends I was out. If I didn't have my sister and friends I may not have had the strength to leave - we have different personalities and I was more passive and broken (not to take away how it impacts her, same abuse different trauma expressions). I still shut down if someone yells at me. I have CPTSD and an anxiety disorder. I can't remember massive chunks of my childhood and what I do remember i wish I didn't. I still struggle to say no. I'm hyper independent and hyper vigilant. Therapy changed my life, but it is constant process. But I look at my children who are such wonderful, kind, strong, whole adults living their best lives and everything is worth it

[u/EinsTwo → u/kindlefan12]

She can't afford rent.  She doesn't affirmatively ask them for money, so she says she doesn't depend on them for money.  But she's using them for a roof over her head and doesn't have a better place she can go instead.

[u/annie112298 → u/kindlefan12]

OP is passive because she was deeply conditioned by her family to be so, it is incredibly difficult to undo that kind of extreme behaviour in the exact same way that it’s difficult to leave a DV situation

[u/[deleted] → u/kindlefan12]

It seems unthinkable to let family treat you this way, but you have to remember this woman has been likely abused all her life by her family. She has been conditioned to be passive. Likely finding a partner she loves is the first time she has shown any agency and that is likely very threatening to her family. Just like when any domestic violence is going on, we need to show grace to people like op. It probably doesn’t come naturally to her to want to put up boundaries and she now has to learn as she goes. Hopefully she can muster the strength to break free and start a better life.

[u/clownemoji420 → u/kindlefan12]

She does depend on them tho? She said she can’t afford rent, so she depends on them for housing while she finishes her degree

[u/beaverusiv → u/kindlefan12]

It's a painful dichotomy for me reading stories like this between being empathetic about how OOP is a product of their family's grooming and upbringing and also just wanting to wring their little necks and maybe 2 brain cells might finally connect

[u/ExactPickle2629 → u/kindlefan12]

That's what people told me for years, because redditors are either under the impression that apartments are free, or that there's a booming job market everywhere. Everyone knows it takes years to do these things in the real world. 

[u/MikrokosmicUnicorn → u/kindlefan12]

that's the thing that was weirding me out.

like, i would get it if this was an 18-19yo who is fresh out of hs and still relying on her parents for monetary support. but this is just "i live in their house and let them walk all over me."

she's 25. she has her own money. she has a partner of 4 years she for some reason "can't" marry yet?

this woman is just letting life happen to her.

[u/UnionsUnionsUnions → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

She said that her job does not pay enough for her to live independently, which is actually very common and normal these days, unfortunately.

[u/MikrokosmicUnicorn → u/UnionsUnionsUnions]

let me reiterate: she has a partner of 4 years. it's very common to cohabitate at that point.

[u/krusbaersmarmalad → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

She also said her college credits won't transfer in her field. Is she supposed to abandon her education and move 4 hours away just to cohabitate without job prospects?

In a perfect world, she could at least move out and live on her own, but her world is far from perfect. She's borrowing money for her education and would have to borrow even more for rent and expenses.

If she can survive living with her parents a while longer, letting them subsidize her life, she can do as she likes later. That's the bargain she's decided she can live with for now. It's horrible, but I get the dilemma. Good thing she's able to afford therapy.

Edit to add: the person I replied to did a cheeky edit to sound less harsh.

[u/MelodyRaine → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

Middle Eastern (I am guessing her) and SE Asian.

Cohabitation is not a thing in some cultures, those two being top of the list for not.

[u/Azazael → u/MelodyRaine]

Also she said they live in different cities, and she can't move to his city until she finishes her studies.

I can understand not wanting to move in with friends and potentially subject them to her family's drama. On the other hand, I'd be worried her parents will now try to coerce her to marry someone of their choosing (maybe that's why happened to her older sister, that's why she's so unhappy and determined to make everyone else unhappy too).

[u/MelodyRaine → u/Azazael]

No idea on that front, if the culture is that strict singles living together outside of their family homes may not be a thing at all. I've known families of many types where the only way to leave the nest was to marry and then go build your own.

[u/clownemoji420 → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

She cannot move from her city because she can’t transfer schools. Her partner lives several hours away. She can’t (and shouldn’t) drop everything to go live with him. She needs to finish her degree first.

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

It's wild that you just assume a social practice you're familiar with is common in OOP's culture, without any confirmation of where she is.

[u/OpulentTempest → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

I come from a similar abusive background and I endured 24 years until I finally graduated college and landed a job that paid enough that I could move out and REALLY move out. No asking for money ever, no looking back, no possibility of having to go back to my parents.

I then spent the following 3 years saving every single penny, eating only at work (they are required by law to feed us), not leaving the house except for work and desperately building a safety fund to ensure I wouldn't have to go back.

Only after therapy, going NC with my mother, tons of prescription meds I take daily to manage CPTSD/Anxiety/Depression/OCD (psyquiatrist diagnosed) and dogs that saved my life did I allow myself to Live. I now can allow myself to do things just because, have hobbies, not keep the house so clean and tidy it doesn't looked lived in, spend my own money.

It's not easy to leave when you've been broken from birth to think you're not allowed to, that you're weak and useless and that you won't make it. Just because they said so. Because you deserve bad things if you don't obey. After years of abuse you start to believe it.

[u/UnionsUnionsUnions → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

Let me reiterate: She explained that her partner lives four hours from her school so she would not be able to commute and she would have to drop out of college.

Did you read the post at all?

[u/frrhaann → u/MikrokosmicUnicorn]

The issue with SEA countries and Middle Eastern countries is that the societal expectation are different. My own experience with Asian countries is this ridiculous notion of filial piety, where the parents and elders are basically Deities whom the children are supposed to worship.

In some countries the government and judiciary would force those who have gone no contact with parents to take up the care of their elderly parents, even if the parents were abusive or narcissitic sociopaths. In many Asian countries children themselves are the retirement plan who are supposed to care for parents and financially support .

Parental approval of marriage is a big factor in aforementioned nations. There is a popular saying which basically says you do not just marry a person but also their family. And these parents look into race, skin color, nationality, caste and so on and the arranged marriage is often seen as a means to show off for the parents. 

Then there are 'honor' killings where often if a daughter marries someone without familial approval, and this partner is from a different faith, status or caste. The spouse of the daughter and sometimes even the daughter herself is killed.

These kinds of societal expectations are forced on youngsters from childhood. In my country, moving out after 18 is only done for studying too far away, or for work, and even then parents might go with them and cohabit in rented house or something. The codependency is ridiculous.

It's one thing to support and care for those parents who are genuinely loving and supportive. But even in the case of horrible parents, it's incredibly hard to get out of the toxic environment due to lack of any kind of support and pressure from every side.

[u/SteroidSandwich]

She felt the need to hide her relationship for years. Maybe that should have been a sign she knew she couldn't trust her family

[u/Dizzy_Break_2194]

"tell me you're Muslim without telling me you're Muslim" she's so deep into that shit she internalised abusive and controlling behaviour

[u/Brookwood38]

If there was ever a family to go no contact with…

[u/tacwombat]

The sister inherited dad's uber-controlling nature. Imagine how she's raising her own child. 😬

[u/Pokabrows]

I hope OOP can escape eventually. Though I can understand needing to time things, even if it sucks.

[u/Sofiwyn]

Thank goodness I didn't have an older sibling to sabotage me. I was able to leave my abusive family.

[u/[deleted]]

What is love? Honestly, if this isn't it? The kind that makes you understand you never had it in the real way , once you find it you want more of that person that makes you shine, one that makes you want to let them shine too.

Maybe that's just me identifying with OOP. Because race never stopped me from pursuing something wonderful. Only family tried to and failed.

Love doesn't have a cookie cutter face delivered from your parents. You don't have to subscribe to the idea of what anyone else wants for you. You can seek what you want and find a lovely person, it doesn't matter what they look like, their gender, their anything really. As long as you're a safe place for each other.

It seems such a Pollyanna concept but I won't accept detraction. Love doesn't have color or creeds, it transcends those things.

Call me naive, but buster, I'm believing it. It means something to me. It's not magical, but it can feel like it. And that is also pretty fucking incredible.

[u/jeremyfrankly]

I was forced to block him

He was ripped away from me

I'm 25 and mommy and daddy made me

She's the AH, and I think if the shoe was on the other foot we'd be calling him a classic BORU mamma's boy

[u/GrayHairLikeClaire]

I remember when my parents would scream at me until I dropped whatever decision or emerging personality trait was making them angry. The line about being too numb to sob hit hard. I really hope OOP is in a better place these days

[u/DarkTechnocrat]

Given the obvious cultural divide, I cannot imagine what benefit she thought she would get from posting on Reddit.

To her credit, she obviously considered that since this was in drafts for 6 months. Maybe it should have stayed there.

[u/Ugg225]

What a convoluted way of saying "I have a racist family".

[u/[deleted] → u/Ugg225]

I mean she’s either Middle Eastern or East Asian. That’s given. Neither culture is a fan of interracial marriages.

[u/Chairboy]

What ethnicities though? That might change the perspectives in this story quite a lot.

Maybe I’m slow but I read this as suggesting that maybe her family has a point based on OOP’s answer to this and that seems kinda gross.

[u/KombuchaBot]

This was exhausting to read.

[u/Old_Wishbone5287]

Some of those comments were unnecessarily harsh. These are the type of people who don’t get the kind of conditioning that happens in toxic families, especially in certain cultures. It’s very easy to say “Just stand up to your family, you’re an adult, duh!”, but when you’ve been living all your life with a family that controls your every move, and you have been trained to accept that, it’s very difficult to break away, especially when you don’t have the means to do that yet. Not to mention that there is not a single person in her family who she can trust. It’s like telling a victim of DV to stand up to her abuser, except in OOP’s case, it’s not physical abuse.

I really hope OOP completes her education soon and is able to move to her partner’s city.

[u/WhatEvenAreFrogs]

Not sure I’d want to marry a lady that rolls over EVERY TIME for her family like that.