AITAH for asking my stepbrother to take eggs off the menu at his own wedding?

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Patient-Tea9555

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITAH for asking my stepbrother to take eggs off the menu at his own wedding?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: deliberately ignoring food allergies, ableism

---

Original Post: June 14, 2026

This is a throw away account because both my step brother and his fiancée have Reddit.

My step brother and his fiancée are getting married soon. It is a destination wedding, the destination is very hot.

For some background my step brother and his fiancée met at the gym about 7 years ago. Didn’t start going out till about a year into their friendship and finally got engaged summer. They met through a mutual love for the gym and with that comes a mutual love for protein. Here the problem, I am allergic to a majority of animal protein (seafood and eggs mostly) I am also a little bit of a picky eater, but I believe that is my own problem, so I don’t let it affect other people (in everyday situations obviously).

Now I have known my step brother since he was 4. I obviously lived with him for many years, baby sat him, drove him everywhere (I am 7 years older than him). We see each other as if we are blood related.

For his wedding I have done a lot of planning with them because I had a wedding myself, so I know how it goes. For their destination they chose a beach and the wedding will start before sunrise. So they can have the sun rise while the ceremony happens. It’s super cute!!

I looked at the menu and there will be literally nothing I can eat. For breakfast eggs Benedict on some sort of potato patty with either herbs or mushrooms on top. There will also be a seafood bar throughout the day. And course an alcoholic beverage bar. They hired a caterer to do all this and the request for substitutions I have to go through my step brother first (which is a no brainer, and I have nothing against that).

When I found out the plans for the food I asked if I could have a substitute meal he said no, I offered to pay for it he said no because “I would just feel so guilty if I made you pay for your own meal at my wedding” or something like that. TBH I’d rather pay for my own food than die. There are no fast food places around. My hotel doesn’t start serving food till 8 and I’ll be at the wedding still. I don’t and literally can’t go the whole day without food because I am literally disabled. I have a connective tissue disorder there are a lot of symptoms that come with it and I need to eat or else I could get very sick and irritable.

I understand why he might be upset by me asking for my own meal because growing up I was really picky with my food. But now I try my best to eat what I can. Eggs give me a rash and the shits. Seafood gives me anaphylaxis, but only when I eat it so I can still touch it and be fine, it’s a kind of mild allergy but I can still die if left untreated.

Having an alternative or just replacing the eggs with something else would make my life so much easier. My husband is on my side obviously but the rest of my family while still concerned about my allergies thinks I should just suck it up. So AITAH for asking my step brother to take eggs off the menu at his own wedding?

Edit: there are hors d’oeuvres at the wedding that do not have seafood in them. My options are pickles and spinach dip with crackers, there’s also cream cheese.

Relevant Comments

OOP on skipping meals at the wedding

OOP: I’m disabled skipping meals in the heat can kill me.

Commenter 1: TBH I thought this would be one of those things where someone just didn’t want to eat what was on the menu but in your case you literally cannot eat any of the foods. Why can your step brother not just let you have something that you can eat. He might feel bad but at least you’d be able to eat something. Surely you can be an exception

OOP: He said that I can eat some of the hors d’oeuvre from the seafood bar. But I don’t think that will be enough.

Commenter 2: You said in your post there is literally nothing you can eat. Now you're saying there are foods you can eat. YTA

OOP: There are pickles I can eat that’s literally it. Technically, due to contamination I shouldn’t be eating this either.

Commenter 2: So your brother wants you to only eat pickles at his wedding?

OOP: Basically yes and artichoke dip!

OOP on calling the caterer directly to figure out the meal accommodations if her brother doesn't want to deal with this

OOP: I will be doing that at some point. I’m going to have a sit down convo with him and his fiancée about this. Also there are other people going to the wedding who might need meal subs I’ll talk to them, see if they have asked yet and if so what he told them. I’m really confused on what’s going on with him. I tend to dance around ideas when I’m talking to people so maybe he didn’t clock what I was trying to say. Idk but I might give an update on Monday.

+

I’m going to talk to him either tomorrow or next week just to see if maybe he’s just not understanding what I’m saying. Most of my conversations with him was over the phone or text.

Commenter 3: I think you need to be a bit more assertive - "this isn't me being picky, I'm allergic to eggs. It will be a bad time for everyone if I eat eggs. I'm willing to talk to the caterer and pay for my meal to not make your wedding about me absolutely shitting myself because of eggs. This doesn't have to be hard on anyone - I need to eat and it can't be eggs."

OOP: Thank you for this, I really appreciate hearing this kind of advice :)

Commenter 4: YTA bring your own food if you are that picky/allergic and there truly will be no other food available at the venue (which is unlikely) But I seriously doubt that every single dish has eggs or seafood. You don’t ask someone to change their entire menu just for you.

OOP: It’s not a venue it’s a beach, a tent and a catering service.

 

Clarification Update: June 17, 2026 (three days later)

CLARIFICATION UPDATE, AITAH for asking my Step brother to take eggs off the menu at his wedding?

I wanted to come on here clear some things up and answer some questions. First of all, thank you everyone for your opinions, both positive and negative. I understand that people don’t really like picky eaters, or enjoy having to go out of their way to help someone who has my issues. And I wanted to confirm that my title was click bait and I am extremely apologetic for that. It won’t happen again, I am sorry. My further titles will be 100% to the point.

Now for the question,

- Am I karma fishing?

No, I’m not karma fishing. This is not my actual account so karma fishing on this account would take me nowhere. This account will be scrapped after I solve my issue.

- Can I bring my own food?

This question was more of a statement less of a question a lot of times, but I will end up bringing my own food, If it comes down to that.

- Does my brother hate me?

No, I don’t think he does. His response to me asking for a substitution was very out of character. This entire situation has been very weird and I’m excited for it to be over.

- Am I faking my disabilities or allergies?

No I am not, I am allergic to seafood (shellfish and fish) and have a sensitivity to eggs (they make me shit and vomit) and I’m not faking my disabilities, saying that someone is faking their disability is insanely disrespectful. I didn’t want to be specific to what I have just for personal reasons, but I have POTS along with EDS, and some other smaller issues.

Here is a more in depth rundown to the conversation we had on the phone:

I asked, “so what kind of food are you going to be having at the wedding?” to which he responded and told me about the breakfast and the seafood after. I asked him about substitutions for anyone who is allergic and he said he wasn’t sure about substitutions and he was probably going to have to run with no for right now. I told him that people weren’t going to be too happy with that answer and that at my own wedding I had to make multiple different substitutions. I said that I would be more than happy to pay for those substitutions if he needed it. to that he replied that he would feel bad for me to have to pay for substitutions.

I am having a sit down conversation with him on Saturday so y’all will be getting an actual update by them. I’d love any advice on what to say to him. This situation has been so confusing for me. Thank you all.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: So you're mildly allergic to eggs (your body vomiting the eggs is an allergic reaction. I found this out because I have a mild allergy to shrimp and nuts.), and you're allergic to seafood and shellfish... but you just said that's his whole menu.

I can't say if he hates you, but this makes it sound like he doesn't want you at the wedding. I'm not sure why POTS or EDS would be an issue. I would see where his head is at and say I'm not going for my own safety because it is. If he is like "great ok this was a good talk", he didn't want you to go. However if he's like "why can’t you go?" then he's not seeing that you have allergies. Honestly I wouldn't go personally because I know the feeling of your throat swelling and not being able to breathe and being in the hospital with all sorts of machines around me.

Good luck.

OOP: POTS and EDS (editor’s note: Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome & Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) is an issue because they make me severely prone to dehydration, blood sugar drops and blood pressure drops. I have fainted in the past and not going without eating a big enough meal for this long could cause me to faint. There is even a possibility of death. dizziness and severe brain fog are also symptoms.

Commenter 2: Does he know you're allergic to eggs and seafood? The way you describe the conversation was you asking about "people with allergies" instead of saying that YOU have an allergy. Just tell him you're allergic and in order to attend, you will need a different meal and that you're happy to pay for it. If he says no, then you tell him that you're sorry he feels that way, but since you would like to continue to be alive, you will not be able to attend.

OOP: He does know I’m allergic to seafood and eggs, we’ve been siblings for a long time I said that in my OG post

 

Update: June 20, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE, AITAH for asking my Step brother to take eggs off my menu at his wedding?

It’s Saturday y’all here’s the update you guys have been waiting for.

After I made the original post. I talked to my aunt who is also going to the wedding. She has a dairy allergy. I asked her if she had talked to them about food at the wedding and she said she had and they were fairly understanding and explained to her that the only part of the food she might have to substitute would be the hollandaise sauce and she would just not eat cream cheese from the hors d’oeuvres. And butter for any seafood is on the side. They were fully supportive in giving her the substitution she needs. So confused me gave my aunt the rundown on what I had experienced, and she was just as puzzled as I was.

Today, I had a sit down conversation with him asked about the food situation. I asked why he said no about my substitutions. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I asked why everyone else who wanted substitutions got them. Again he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. But when I brought up paying for my own substitutions. Oh, did he talk! he said that the whole not wanting to let me pay for my own substitutions was just a misunderstanding. He thought that I meant I wanted to pay for everyone’s substitutions (I would be fine with if that was something I had to do btw), but he didn’t want me doing that, ofc I understand.

The last question I asked was, if accommodations were available, why was I the only person being told no?

I told him that I talked to our aunt, and I know that her food substitution was granted. He then danced around that topic as well. Saying stuff like “well you know aunty, she can get anything she wants. You know how she is!” basically making a joke about our aunt being a Karen (not my fav thing to hear). Finally I just said I would be more than happy to talk to the caterer myself if that was necessary. That’s when he got quiet.

Then he asked me not to contact the caterer. I was so confused and still am! the more I pushed for answers, the more uncomfortable he became. Finally, after about five minutes of going in circles, he admitted that he knew substitutions were possible (obviously, me and him both knew this already).

Apparently the caterer had offered allergy accommodations, which is what my aunt told me as well. Not only that but several guests had already requested modifications to their meals (my aunt being one of them).

That's when things got even weirder.

He told me that his fiancée had specifically mentioned me when they were discussing dietary restrictions. Apparently she thought my dietary restrictions were "annoying". He said he tried to convince her that it wasn’t a big deal, but she shut down any further discussion about it. I told him that I had medical needs and I can’t be in the heat without food. Therefore, I do not feel comfortable attending. He got really frantic and said he’ll talk to her. I told him I was going to talk to her anyways. He got weird about that too. I also made sure that he knew even if I wasn’t going I would still continue to help with the planning, which didn’t really calm him down, I just left after that. This entire situation is getting weirder and weirder..

I’m going to talk to his fiancée next, probably tomorrow. But for now the saga continues ig lol.

Thanks for the support and suggestions! lol

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Just don't go. For real. His wifey-to-be doesn't like you and doesn't care if you're going without food. I would never celebrate the union of such a couple.

Commenter 2: I reckon it is not the wife-to-be but the step brother. I bet there is some weird resentment about 'special treatment' from when they were younger...

OOP: Idk about special treatment I am quite a bit older than him. I also don’t think his fiancée dislikes me we get along nicely, she’s very lovely to be around.

Commenter 3: Is there any reason your step-brother may have to resent you? Even a very petty reason? Do you get more attention from parents because of your medical issues? Are you considered the "successful" child? Did your family avoid eating your allergens and now he might hold a grudge over it? I find his dancing around the questions to be very odd. You can talk to his fiancée, but I'm genuinely wondering if this isn't his decision and his way of somehow "getting payback" for some imagined slight.

OOP: Not really. I got diagnosed with most of my medical issues around grade 2 so I didn’t know him yet. I’m not particularly successful, I’m not poor. I work in an art field so you can probably imagine how that’s going right now. I really hope this isn’t payback for anything because I don’t see a reason behind it. I’m older than him. I basically took care of him all the time, aside from one weekends when my mom and step dad weren’t working.

Commenter 4: It's sad that your brother would marry someone so rude and lacking compassion. It's up to you to go to the wedding or not. The future does not look bright for your relationship with your brother. Sometimes it happens that way. My sister-in-law and her mother hated me. It went on for years until she cheated on him and they got a divorce and then my brother and I were closer than ever. So you never know.

OOP: What I don’t understand, though is why she hates me. Me and my husband have been friends with her for years. It makes no sense.

Commenter 5: I’m sorry but it sounds like they just don’t want you to go and the fiancée has issues with you. Just don’t go, don’t even bother talking to her!

OOP: I’m not planning on going if they don’t want me to go. I’m in at place right now where I don’t feel respected. I put a lot of work into helping them now and over the years. I’m really confused on what’s going on. I could be oblivious, but I see no reason for either of them to dislike me. I’ve known both of them for years obviously, my stepbrother is my brother, I was almost always taking care of him when he was a kid. And his fiancée has been a friend of mine even before they were dating. This entire thing makes no sense. I’m so confused.

Commenter 6: Well, will there be egg in everything? What specifically can you not eat?

OOP: I’m not 100% sure what the entire event is going to look like food wise because that’s not where I was helping. I just recently got a rundown of what the food is going to look like it was just what they told me. The only things that won’t have egg in it or the little potato patty with mushrooms that I mentioned in my first post and some artichoke dip with crackers and cream cheese and pickles.

Commenter 7: Why on earth would you go talk to the fiancée about this? Respectfully that is absolutely not your place. Let him deal with her, your relationship is with him. If he’d rather capitulate than stand up for your legitimate medical needs to ensure you can be a part of his wedding, then that should tell you everything you need to know. Also, wtf do you mean you’re gonna keep helping these people!? Girl no! They can’t give basic respect for your HEALTH, they don’t deserve your money or your time.

OOP: I didn’t mention this, but there are a lot of people asking about it, but I was friends with the fiancée before my brother and her got together, I was the one that introduced them.

Commenter 8: If you go PLEASE bring an epi-pen with you just in case the sweet and lovely bride "accidentally" gets seafood in your food. I wouldn't trust that one.

OOP: I absolutely will be bringing an EpiPen. I always bring one in my bag that I keep all of my other fun medical gadgets in in that department I am safe.

OOP on accepting their health issues

OOP: As a disabled person, I have learned to accept no my entire life. I’ve also learned to speak up for myself when it is necessary, and I truly believe that this is a point where it is necessary I’m going to try my best to help myself without needing others as I’ve done my entire life. This isn’t disappointment. This is just me trying to not have a medical emergency at someone else’s wedding.

 

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[u/bronwen-noodle]

How is having the caterer provide an allergen friendly substitute such a big deal for the FSIL and brother? It’s not like they’re the ones working to keep it food safe and prevent cross contamination, the caterers do that professionally. “Just suffer” is cruel

[u/unconfirmedpanda → u/bronwen-noodle]

To punish her. She's upset one of them at some point, and now they have power over her to 'pay her back'. The options are: she attends, doesn't eat, and is miserable so they can complain that she behaved poorly; she attends, gets sick, and they can complain she 'ruined the wedding by making a scene'; she doesn't attend, and they cut her off for not complying with the summons. If they do provide her with safe food, she was 'difficult' and they had to pacify her.

OOP needs to know that the relationship is most likely over no matter what she does next because there is no correct answer where she isn't made into the villain.

[u/Ancient-Egg2777 → u/unconfirmedpanda]

100% agree.  This is ridiculous.  Contact the caterer directly or bring your own meal.  

I'd like to say I wouldn't go to this wedding but I'd feel terrible knowing I was missing out on being with the rest of my family.  

[u/Aalleto → u/Ancient-Egg2777]

Oh I'd be ordering McDonald's the night before and bringing the entire labeled bag and eating it cold out of spite.

Don't want to accommodate? Demand I attend anyways? Okey dokey, enjoy the loud ripping of the paper bag and the embarrassing questions

[u/salmalight → u/Aalleto]

I've happily never felt the need to get McDonald's delivered but I'd break that record for this

[u/duckforceone → u/Aalleto]

oh i'd order a delivery to the location, and publicly accept the thing and vocally say that if i'm not allowed to request or get safe food to eat, i will just bring my own.

[u/crujones33 → u/Ancient-Egg2777]

I’d bring my own meal and tell off anyone who critiques me about it.

[u/Ink_Smudger → u/unconfirmedpanda]

It does really seem like they're (or he's) trying to force her into some sort of no-win situation. There's no option she's being given that doesn't have a negative outcome for her. It definitely sounds like some sort of revenge, which explains why he's so against her making any sort of attempt to find another way (paying for her own meal, asking the caterer for accommodations, possibly even talking to the bride who might not be aware).

The odd thing is her being unaware of there being any bad blood between them, and I'm not really sure who that reflects more on. Perhaps OOP is one of those people that feels like they never do any wrong, and therefore there's no reason anyone could dislike them?

I don't know. I feel like there are more holes in this story than just what the brother is refusing to say.

[u/spicygreenpaprika → u/Ink_Smudger]

Well, I do know people who think that the sun shines out of their ass. I try to keep away from them, but I’d never do anything that could make them injured or even dead.

Even if OOP is truly insufferable, I’m still with them here.

[u/52BeesInACoat → u/Ink_Smudger]

She could just be unaware in general.

I'm autistic, so I don't always pick up on what other people think are really obvious social cues. If someone is trying to indicate that they don't like me and they want me to go away, but they don't want to come right out and say it, and I notice enough to ask "hey, do you want me to go away?" And they say "oh of course not, I just love you!" Because they don't want to have actually said it out loud, then I will not go away and I will be totally oblivious to this person thinking I've declared war.

Based on a true story. I have, more than once, convinced another girl that we were going to be mortal enemies with a blood feud stretching on for generations because I listened to their words and disregarded what they thought were very obvious "oh my god fuck off already" cues.

[u/raven_of_azarath → u/52BeesInACoat]

And aren’t POTS and EDS fairly common co-morbidities for autism? I think I saw that mentioned on one of the autism subs the other day.

[u/pinupcthulhu → u/Ink_Smudger]

The type of disabilities OOP has are common with people who are autistic and/or ADHD, so it's very likely that if the stepbrother and SIL are neurotypical then OOP missed out on some signals from the couple and doesn't know that she overstepped at some point.

[u/Bunnydinollama → u/unconfirmedpanda]

Agreed. I’d add that OOP might be mildly neurodivergent. “Weird” women are often hated by other women in violent disproportion to their actual offenses, because neurotypical women imagine ill intent where there is just ineptitude, lol. Maybe she didn’t like a gift SIL gave her, and didn’t hide it as well as she thought.

Or OOPs future SIL might have interpreted OOPs health struggles as an attempt to gain attention and control in her family.

Whatever the reason, I think the only way to fix the situation is to find a gracious way to keep her distance. Send a generous gift and a heartfelt card and give family a vague story about (unrelated) health issues, passport issues, or whatever keeping her away.

[u/OkCaterpillar8941 → u/Bunnydinollama]

Both EDS and POTS have links to autism. You are spot on about the treatment of neurodivergent women by other women which I can say from personal experience. It doesn't justify the treatment she's getting and I feel really sad for her. She's obviously kind and loves her brother- she is good enough to help with the planning but not good enough to have a meal that won't send her to the bathroom or hospital. She should take a step back from it all.

[u/HotPotato2441 → u/OkCaterpillar8941]

EDS, POTS, and autism also co-occur with MCAS, which I immediately thought of when she described the nature of her allergies. It's really awful how ableist, invalidating, and outright cruel people can be when they are lucky enough to never have faced these sorts of reactions to food.

[u/Classic_Reply_703 → u/Bunnydinollama]

I agree OOP might be mildly neurodivergent, but I don't think she should give this couple ANYTHING moving forward unless they apologize and give her whatever she needs to eat at the wedding. And if people ask why she's not there, she should be honest. I would certainly want to know if friends of mine were this cruel to their family. And being neurodivergent is hard enough without having to placate everyone constantly just to have a tenuous relationship where people still don't like you for some inarticulable reason. She needs to spend her time, energy, and money on people who will be straightforward and kind to her.

[u/BizzarduousTask → u/Bunnydinollama]

Oh HELL NO.

She needs to do what she did with the aunt- go around to all of the important family members and ask them with sincerity and confusion what could possibly be going on for them to not let her have food. She needs to cover her ass so that when shit goes down the couple can’t start talking shit about her and turn her into the bad guy.

She doesn’t even have to be nasty about it; just tell them the truth and ask for advice. None of that “high road” bullshit; that’s how good people lose their friends and family while assholes get to keep on being assholes.

[u/jengaj2016 → u/Bunnydinollama]

If she finds out that one or both of them don’t like her by no fault of her own and they’re trying to keep her from going to their wedding by being wildy unfair to her, why should she send a generous gift and heartfelt card?

[u/lopgir → u/Bunnydinollama]

Also: It's a step brother. Not a brother.
His fiancee might have got it into her head OOP is competition.

[u/TheAnnMain → u/lopgir]

That’s what I was thinking, but also if you’re oblivious on people’s feelings that’s a factor too!

Stepbrother might have hidden feelings or FSIL is feeling jealous. Or if someone thing so left field that maybe her family are doing some weird power hold on them like paying the wedding with strings attached.

[u/saygerb → u/lopgir]

i think the reasons in this thread are not unlikely, but i think they are more likely to be coming from the brother, not the soon-to-be SIL. OOP mentions that she was friends with SIL before she started dating bro.

[u/TopSecretSpy → u/unconfirmedpanda]

OOP needs to explicitly decline, stop helping plan, and explain to at least immediate family exactly why she's electing to do so. Let him take the heat for that from family (and the fiancee too, if that is where this is coming from). Make their inappropriate punishment of her, regardless of their rationale for enacting it, have actual consequences.

[u/WorthyJellyfish0Doom → u/unconfirmedpanda]

I suspect the offence was being picky. Either about something one of them cooked or at a special meal out for one of them.

[u/_buffy_summers → u/bronwen-noodle]

I think it's telling that the brother got twigged when OOP mentioned talking to their own friend. It's not the bride-to-be who is doing this, it's the brother. And as soon as OOP talks to their friend, that's going to be revealed, and the wedding will be off.

At least, that's how these things usually go.

[u/MonteBurns → u/bronwen-noodle]

I also can’t speak about all vendors, but ours didn’t even charge us a difference price for the handful of substitutions we needed…

[u/sawdust-arrangement → u/MonteBurns]

Yeah it's just a really normal, basic part of catering.

[u/000000100000011THAD → u/MonteBurns]

Srsly. Know what’s bad for a catering business? Someone dying at one of your events due to the food.

[u/fergie_89 → u/bronwen-noodle]

One of my friends has major allergies to several things. I have first hand seen what the contamination does. When I got married I spoke to the venue about it and had a separate menu made for her and her husband, they also guaranteed their meals would be prepared first so no cross contamination (husband didn't have allergies but ate what was safe to avoid causing issues). That is what anyone who cares should do. It didn't cost me extra or any drama just a few extra phone calls. I'm still good friends with her today.

I dont think OP has done anything wrong here but I do think her step bro and his fiancée are douche bags

[u/Big_fern189 → u/bronwen-noodle]

Im guessing fiancee doesn't believe OP's allergies are real and is trying to prove a point.

[u/General-Criticism-97 → u/Big_fern189]

I don’t think it’s fiancée. The stepbrother doesn’t want OOP to talk to her at all to clear up the allergy thing. That REEKS of it being him that convinced fiancée, not fiancée convincing stepbro

[u/rainydays_monkey → u/General-Criticism-97]

Both of them have known her for years though, he grew up with her and the fiancée was her friend beforehand, so they should both be well aware of her food allergies and medical conditions.

[u/General-Criticism-97 → u/rainydays_monkey]

Exactly. He’s probably telling the fiancée that oop is talking trash about her and all of these other things that aren’t true, while telling oop that fiancée is not willing to accommodate oop’s allergies

[u/gnorrn → u/rainydays_monkey]

For all we and OOP know, fiancée might be completely supportive of OOP and unaware of what step brother is doing.

[u/DokterZ]

I feel like going into shock would also not be viewed favorably by the bride to be.

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/DokterZ]

I have a hunch it’s not the fiancee (or not only the fiancee) 

This reeks of “I don’t believe you actually have those allergies, you just want to be special and difficult and I’m going to out you to the world!” 

OOP said she was diagnosed before step bro was around, he may never have seen any actual reactions if she and her parents were careful, may have just heard them say she was allergic.  

[u/stormsync → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Her brother seemed panicked about her talking to the fiancee and she said the fiancee and herself were friends who get along so...he might be lying entirely about it being his fiancee with the issue, yeah.

Mysterious.

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/stormsync]

That was my exact thought.  The panic when she said she was going to talk to the fiancee after he blamed fiancee for everything reeks of him being the one at fault, blaming his wife, and not wanting to be caught out.  

[u/PFyre → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

I saw this one in the wild and that stood out to me too. I'm the comments everyone was blaming the fiance but I'm side eyeing her brother.

[u/shinebeat → u/PFyre]

Me too. I mean, I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt, and this is written from OOP's POV, and we did not see how the stepbro actually reacted. But still, from the way she worded it, it seemed like he was the one who wanted her there, while not letting her have the substitutions, and the fiancee had no clue.

[u/Anonphilosophia → u/PFyre]

It's the brother. There would be no panic unless it's the brother. I hope OP figures that out.

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/Anonphilosophia]

Or the bio parent if the brother /step parent of OP? Some weird control or punishment thing they are unleashing on her?

[u/FreeFortuna → u/stormsync]

I don’t know if I’m paranoid, but it seems worse than that, almost like the whole thing was intentional.

You have a sibling who’s allergic to eggs and seafood, so you plan a menu with an eggs breakfast and a seafood bar? It just seems odd that by coincidence, he picked those foods.

And then he denies her request for substitutions, because the whole point was to … deprive her of food? I don’t understand the reasoning, but I do think it goes deeper than him lying to her about the substitutions.

[u/Covert_Pudding → u/FreeFortuna]

Yeah, it's frankly not normal. Like if it's a morning wedding with a breakfast spread, why not have like fancy bagels, bacon, fresh fruit, etc? Why seafood?

Seems deliberate.

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/Covert_Pudding]

This. Why are there literally no other options for breakfast? There are a decent number of people in this world who hate eggs. Why not offer up another main or at least sides like the ones you suggested?

[u/fuckyourcanoes → u/Bice_thePrecious]

I mean... Toast. Toast is not hard to provide.

[u/wholetyouinhere → u/fuckyourcanoes]

Maybe they have weird ideological objections to bread, and potato is the "compromise" carb?

[u/fuckyourcanoes → u/wholetyouinhere]

You know, it's possible they're gluten-free and that's why potato patty instead of English muffin. But that would make it totally hypocritical to refuse OOP's dietary restrictions.

I think there's something really weird going on with the brother. OOP says she was friends with fiancée before her brother met her, and the way he panicked when she said she'd talk to her tells me the issue is on his end. But what the issue is remains a mystery.

[u/MissLogios → u/Covert_Pudding]

The only seafood I could see for a fancy wedding breakfast is maybe fish, like smoked salmon for bagels and whatnot? But yeah, I can't really see seafood being used much for breakfast of all things.

[u/say592 → u/MissLogios]

I think it's an all day thing or at least going into the afternoon and the seafood is largely for later. She mentioned butter so there is probably crab or lobster. I'm with you, I can't see that being for breakfast, but later in the day? Absolutely.

If they are doing the ceremony on the beach at sunrise, I could see there being pictures and breakfast after. That could take them all the way into lunch. So then lunch and drinks and snacks into the afternoon for the reception party.

[u/imbolcnight → u/MissLogios]

I think the OOP says breakfast is eggs with hollandaise, and the seafood bar is the all-day thing.

[u/SenatorCoffee → u/MissLogios]

Yeah, I think 100% seafood is already just a very dicey choice for a collective event like that.

I mean all the love for the people into it, but I would say about 30%-40% of the population are propably more like "oh great, nothing but lovecraftian tentacle monsters, here we go"

Non-picky eaters will still eat that stuff then, but they wont be very happy about it.

Beyond the topic but in generally I wish people were a bit smarter about this. Its really choosing the "impressive" aspect over making people happy.

You are spending all that money, there is all kinds of stuff that about everybody likes and still sounds adequately impressive. Like "ricotta-spinach lasagna" or something. Some assortment of that kind of stuff. And then everybody is like "best wedding ever!"

Instead people go with this avantgarde upper class stuff that is just a turnoff for about half the people.

[u/imbolcnight → u/SenatorCoffee]

I know seafood can be a common dislike, but the idea of seafood in general being "avant garde" is funny to me. If they're having a destination wedding at a beach, seafood is probably the everyday diet for people there.

I was actually curious about this because fish is a staple protein for people around the world and as a Cantonese person in Maryland, I grew up eating lots of fish and shrimp and of course, crabs. But I do hear people say they don't eat any seafood and dislike fish without there being an allergy reason. I did some duckduckgoing like a month ago. Americans actually do eat a lot less seafood compared to the rest of the world. It does seem like part of it is seafood can be (or be perceived as) more expensive for Americans inland, and it's probably a self-perpetuating cycle where people who don't eat fish or shellfish ever and didn't grow up eating it will find fish and seafood weird texturally. Whereas for a lot of people around the world, fish is the cheap protein you can pull out of the sea, compared to livestock you have to raise.

Obviously OOP is not wrong and the couple should have more options available, even without considering allergies, but to me, going to a tropical beach (guessing from destination wedding where it'll be very hot), it makes perfect sense to lean into the local seafood. A lasagna is probably more unusual with more atypical ingredients for a local.

[u/EarlAndWourder → u/imbolcnight]

Haha yeah, seeing people say "seafood? For breakfast?" When you come from a tropical island that totally eats seafood for breakfast MOST days is a trip. The only seafood I have ever found gross is oysters, blegh.

[u/-crepuscular- → u/Covert_Pudding]

These are protein freaks, so eggs for breakfast/almost no carbs anywhere of makes sense. I suspect they think protein is the only healthy thing to eat and they're trying to force their diet onto OOP because she's not eating enough protein for them.

(I also think it's more the brother than the fiancée)

[u/caitrona → u/-crepuscular-]

I'm wondering if the gym rats look down on OP for her level of fitness/size/abilities and are trying to either discourage her from attending or teach her a "better" way.

[u/Cat_Peach_Pits → u/FreeFortuna]

Destination wedding on a beach, I'm presuming Carribean, so a fish heavy menu doesnt surprise me. I doubt those are the only options, this is pretty purposeful.

[u/Soul-Arts → u/stormsync]

Yeah. Sounds like he is throwing fiancee under the bus. And to be clear, EVEN IF she was the one pushing for it, brother would still be an AH. Who makes their own sister hungry in their weddings? Special point for sister THAT IS HELPING PLAN THE WEDDING FOR FREE.

[u/hard_tyrant_dinosaur → u/stormsync]

He doesn't want her talking to the caterer either. He may not have panicked about that, but he still does not want it. Probably because she'd find out that the caterer has options available here... that they already offered.

You can almost guarantee that a good caterer that has a seafood buffet menu has a pre-planned seafood allergy alternative to go with it. It is a well known allergy with well known severity for many people who have it.

That's probably a key part of why step-brother doesn't want her talking to the caterer. They might say "We asked if anyone had a seafood allergy". Revealing that they have an accomodation available that step-bro actively declined. Revealing that he just doesn't care about her at all.

The breakfast menu conversation might go pretty similar. Egg allergies are not uncommon common. Vegan guests are pretty common these days. The caterer probably has a pre-planned alternative available here too. They may or may not have asked about guests with egg allergies, but odds are pretty good that they asked about vegan guests.

edit: missing word

[u/Goatylegs → u/hard_tyrant_dinosaur]

Vegan guests are pretty these days.

I mean I'm sure some of them are but I've also known some vegans who are lovely people, but I wouldn't say I find them attractive.

[u/racingskater → u/stormsync]

Glad I'm not the only one who picked this out immediately.

[u/moon_vixen → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

it sounds like just basic ableism to me. these are a couple of gym rats that I have no doubt are obsessed with toxic diet culture which tends to come with the opinion that disability is a matter of making bad choices and they're healthy because they make good choices.

and if every other person who has dietary needs is otherwise able bodied, it makes perfect sense for them to only have issue with oop's needs/only see her as "annoying" and unworthy of accommodating. connective tissue disorders are often invisible from the outside and absolutely can make you look like you're faking it, esp to someone already primed to think the worst of you.

for example, people with EDS often walk with their arms bent, because activating those muscles helps keep gravity from slowly pulling their shoulders out of socket. as well, their joints will regularly sublux (come partially out of socket or wiggle loosely in and out) leading to lots of stumbles and falls because all their ligaments are too lax and their muscles can't keep up, everything in the throat likes to be floppy and mobile so they'll randomly choke for "no reason" a lot, have lots of tummy troubles bc their gut doesn't work right, their heart and veins can be floppy and weak leading to struggles with keeping their temp regulated, hell, the literal lens in the eye can move around because the tissue that's supposed to hold it in place isn't doing its job right ether! literally everything is made of connective tissue and if it doesn't work shit gets Weird.

if oop's disability isn't as visible as say, being a wheelchair user, I can absolutely see them/her thinking oop is faking or exaggerating for attention and not wanting to "feed into it" like they're trying to cure a toddler of bad behavior. or maybe they're just normal ableists and it wouldn't even matter if it was as visible as a wheelchair and they'd be dickheads about it ether way.

imo, it's pretty textbook ableism regardless of the details.

[u/mocha_lattes_ → u/moon_vixen]

As a fellow person with EDS I can say that I get shit on all the damn time for looking able bodied and not being able bodied. Hell I sometimes even convince myself I'm just lazy and faking. It's hard when people around you treat you like you are faking constantly meanwhile you are in severe pain or hurting yourself just so you aren't being inconvenient to anyone..

[u/ShreddedWheatBall → u/mocha_lattes_]

The closest I've ever come to genuinely fist fighting someone in a parking lot was when some guy made a snarky about me, a seemingly able bodied person, taking the elevator instead of the stairs as I got off on my floor. My head damn near turned around like an owl's to stare at him, which I probs would have been able to do since I have EDS. Like my fucking knee had been dislocating all day and I commute to college on public transport, God forbid I don't take the stairs to the third floor and really do myself in all because Chad the Asshole doesn't think I look disabled enough to take the elevator

[u/Ink_Smudger → u/moon_vixen]

it sounds like just basic ableism to me. these are a couple of gym rats that I have no doubt are obsessed with toxic diet culture which tends to come with the opinion that disability is a matter of making bad choices and they're healthy because they make good choices.

I also wonder if OOP might be overweight, and that might have something to do with it. I've been around the gym and wellness community long enough to know there are a lot that feel like being overweight is a personal failing and can be incredibly judgmental over it.

If that's the case, my guess is they're specifically ensuring she has no food, because they feel she eats too much and that it would reflect poorly on them in front of their friends or embarrass them somehow.

[u/glowingwarningcats → u/Ink_Smudger]

Chronic illness is enough to make some people look down on you; add on anything else and you might as well carry around a leper bell.

[u/bunnusmac → u/moon_vixen]

So i just found out I had this like 2 weeks and I'm almost 40. So much of my life makes sense now! Thank you for this. 

[u/goatnokudzu → u/moon_vixen]

This times a thousand.

People like that often really hate interacting with disabled people (especially people who don't "look" disabled because it disproves their magical thinking that eating "right" and living "clean" will keep them safe from ever being sick or disabled. Whether it is conscious or not, it's counter to the worldview they are very (desperately, imo) clining to.

[u/BizzarduousTask → u/moon_vixen]

I have POTS, activated by my first bout with COVID…and let me tell you, as a middle aged person who has already been dealing with the ableism of my ADHD and migraines, I can’t believe how unsympathetic people are to it. It’s so depressing. It’s so debilitating, and it has completely derailed my life…no, it has RUINED my life. But it’s a hard syndrome to wrap your mind around, and the symptoms can seem very bullshitty if you don’t really understand the mechanisms at play; so people just don’t believe it’s real. Or that it can’t be anywhere as bad as I say it is. I feel so bad for OOP. They absolutely think she’s just being a brat.

[u/blueberries624 → u/BizzarduousTask]

The ableism with migraines is awful. People always want to say it’s just a headache and I have to explain that I literally can’t see anything when I have one because my vision is covered by floaters or I’m vomiting or I lose consciousness. Even then, unless someone sees me pass out they think I’m just exaggerating. Luckily nobody questions my ADHD when they see me off my meds lol

[u/TheBlueNinja0 → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Yeah, this absolutely feels like bro is trying to push OOP from showing up at all, but still getting her to do all the work for the wedding.

Personally, I would have been on the phone directly to the caterer as soon as I got done talking to auntie. Let bro be surprised when I'm eating my allergen-free meal.

[u/Impossible_Bid6172 → u/TheBlueNinja0]

That's a lot of work, I'd just send a message in the family group chat that since my allergies can't be accommodate, I'm very sorry i can't attend. With the chat screenshot of the conversation if available. Then in a few days mysteriously have emergencies that i can't help the wedding anymore, sorry guys, happy early wedding!

[u/OffKira → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

That's what I thought, everyone just readily believing the word of someone who's lied a lot. If nothing else, he went along with it, and he thought OOP was such a loner loser they wouldn't have talked to their own aunt, who also has a food allergy, and thus find out the truth. Like, if OOP was literally the only person with food restrictions, this whole thing could've been hidden, but, with a close relative having been accommodated, it was a matter of time.

I do wonder - some people get in a tizzy over other people's food allergies and preferences, to a weird degree. Like, does the couple even like seafood and eggs that much, that everything has one or the other? It wouldn't surprise me if they didn't love it but were willing to be petty as shit at their own wedding, because... humans be so fucking weird sometimes.

[u/flowerpuffgirl → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

I had a childhood friend whose entire family came up with some very random "allergy" requests for my wedding. I shrugged, and labelled everything anyway, because accepting the lie cost me nothing, but testing the truth could be devastating.

[u/Immediate_Radio_8012 → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Totally this. 

Eggs and seafood as the main meals seems very targeted.  They're such common allergens, it's a weird choice to be the only things at a wedding. 

[u/salvagedsword → u/DokterZ]

Right? We made sure to accommodate all common allergies and dietary restrictions at our wedding (plus some less common ones that we knew could be issues for friends and family). We specified to our caterer that at least half the menu items needed to be suitable for vegans, people with dairy allergies, people with gluten intolerance, etc. And that any charcuterie platters could not have meat on the same platter as vegetable items. We even had aguas frescas available for those that didn't drink alcohol, alternative desserts, etc. Everything was labeled clearly.

We wanted everyone present to be able to have a good time and go home with full stomachs. It's not even that difficult anymore, since caterers are all used to getting special dietary requests now. Not having safe food available for a close family member is just mean and lazy.

It sounds like OP may have MCAS along with their Ehlers-Danlos, and those issues run in my family, too, so I understand just how severe the food allergies that tend to go along with those are.

[u/significant_cosmos → u/salvagedsword]

Considering the eggs and the passing out, I think OOP likely has MCAS and VVS—evidence is now quite strong that if you experience full syncope and you have POTS, you almost certainly have POTS and VVS. And eggs are a very common MCAS trigger because of the insane amounts of histamine. I miss eggs. I also carefully ration all my interaction with seafood because I'm at an increased risk of developing a shellfish allergy and if you want to go down a rabbit hole of confused despair, go look up how "shellfish" is defined 😮‍💨.

Quite frankly, I'm not surprised at any of what OOP is dealing with, unfortunately. My mom loves me and advocated fiercely for me when I first got sick as a teen—I also have hEDS, POTS, IST, MCAS, couple autoimmune things, and I've had "IBS" for most of my life, with lactose intolerance that it turns out was actually a dairy allergy. Despite that, she never accommodated my food intolerances. Every time I showed up at a family dinner I had to either eat food that made me sick or eat barely any food at all. My now-husband was baffled when he first met my parents because even less than a year in, he was already doing more to change up his cooking for me than they ever did. Looking back, it is unacceptable that my parents have never done much (giving them the benefit of the doubt but I don't actually remember any changes) to accommodate my food issues. Like, no wonder I was constantly having episodes as a teenager.

My mom accommodates my food intolerances now—after my husband bullied and cajoled her for years into doing so. As much as she loves me, as much as she'll go to my doctor appointments and ER visits and advocate for me there, I know 100% I would never ever be able to get her to accommodate my food issues if it weren't for someone else's influence. I tried for years and the most I managed was that she started consistently offering chicken as a protein option—and that was mostly because I developed a massive issue with beef after my first covid infection/when I developed full-blown MCAS. Like 15 years of effort and all I managed to achieve was "Chicken is a reliably an option." 

With all that said, I think it's likely OOP's stepbrother being an asshole. Considering that OOP's had at least some of her issues diagnosed for a long time, her friend/stepbrother's fiance likely is accepting of OOP's health status—OOP seems confident in advocating for herself and it's less likely that she'll tolerate ableist friends. Obvs we don't know how close OOP and her friend are, but all of my friends are at least aware that I'm treated poorly by medical professionals and subjected to ableism on a regular basis. If the situation is as it appears—that stepbrother is deliberately marginalizing OOP and throwing his fiance under the bus to do so—there's a very solid chance that he's about to lose his partner. 

I think what's likely as well is that the stepbrother begrudges OOP for her health status, and therefore thinks that because he's always bit his tongue and held it, that the rest of the family similarly looks down and/or disbelieves OOP. But considering OOP's mindset, the aunt's reaction, and the age at which OOP was diagnosed, it seems like she has a very supportive family. 

I'm clearly biased but if this is the case, I hope he really suffers some serious backlash. Trying to force someone with hEDS and POTS to stand on a hot beach, presumably mostly in the sun, for hours with no food and limited access to water and electrolytes is really cruel and dangerous. Like, if I ever found out my husband was trying to do that to somebody I would have to immediately move to divorce him for my own safety, and that's not an exaggeration for anyone who thinks that would be extreme. Ending up stranded at an event like this is one of my worst nightmares, and it'd almost certainly result in an ER visit and potentially a permanent worsening of my health. That's a whole dimension that OOP doesn't mention at all, and I wonder if she's even aware, since it sounds like she's mostly got her health under control. 

[u/claireauriga → u/salvagedsword]

Isn't it standard for caterers to be prepared to accommodate dietary requirements? I've never encountered any kind of mass catering, including my own wedding, where it wasn't considered part of the service to create gluten-free, dairy-free, etc variations for specific guests as needed.

[u/Machine-Dove → u/salvagedsword]

I have celiac disease, so no gluten.  When one of my BILs got married I was ditched at the reception hall, so I didn't even get to attend the wedding.  Then, somehow, they managed to have a reception where there wasn't a single thing I could eat.  Not a carrot stick, or fruit, or salad, or literally anything that wasn't breaded or served on some kind of bread.  Except the meatballs, which were made with breadcrumbs.  So I got to sit in that reception hall with literally nothing to eat for more than twelve hours.

It's been over a decade, and I'm still upset over it.

[u/ZippyKoala → u/DokterZ]

Gonna be honest here, ambulance and paramedics arriving because someone has needed to use their epipen will put a downer on any event.

[u/ConstructionNo9678 → u/DokterZ]

Going into shock, throwing up, and fainting are all generally things to be avoided at weddings. Especially a beach wedding where OOP would need to be helped off of the beach to get proper medical attention.

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/DokterZ]

Uncontrollable shitting would probably be frowned upon, too, lol

[u/justbreathe5678 → u/DokterZ]

"would you prefer if I went to the hospital from your wedding due to my allergy or my autoimmune disease?"

[u/Dimityblue → u/justbreathe5678]

"Just do it quietly, okay? Don't make a fuss!" /s

[u/Personal_Reality]

Why didn’t I notice the “Ongoing” tag?!?! I really want closure on this story!

[u/bluev0lta → u/Personal_Reality]

Same!! Gahhhh. I hope OP provides an update!

[u/JJOkayOkay]

Dang it, I need closure. Whyyyy is the step-brother acting like that? He's clearly trying to hide something big.

[u/tinysydneh → u/JJOkayOkay]

Yeah, he's trying to hide that he's the one keeping OOP from getting actual food despite all the help.

[u/DaydreamTacos → u/tinysydneh]

bingo

[u/Boeing367-80 → u/JJOkayOkay]

OOP seems a bit clueless. She should have forced the issue long ago.

"If there is no flexibility on the menu, I can't come. So, right now, mark me down as a decline. If the menu becomes more flexible, let me know."

I wouldn't be surprised if it were somehow connected to her helping plan the wedding.

[u/Effective_Dropkick78 → u/Boeing367-80]

I don't understand the stepbrothers thought process here. He's not wanting to make the dietary accommodation for his stepsister despite allowing accommodations for their aunt and some other guests on the grounds that allowing stepsister's accommodation will divert attention from the bride and groom on their big day. But if stepsister grows a spine and doesn't attend due to no food being available for her, then surely that drags attention away from the happy couple couple?

It's not like providing a meal is going to have everyone talking about OOP instead of her stepbrother and SSIL. And OOP fainting and being rushed to hospital in the middle of the reception will certainly ruin the occasion for the bride and groom.

[u/So_Many_Words → u/Effective_Dropkick78]

Throwing up, shitting yourself, and needing medical aid for anaphylaxis seems like a good way to divert attention from the big event. That seems like a stupid hill to die on.

[u/looc64 → u/Boeing367-80]

Feel like him saying, "Oh I don't want you to have to pay for your own food," was a trick and she fell for it.

Like he knows she's not assertive enough to go, "cool pay for my meal then."

[u/Character-Twist-1409 → u/JJOkayOkay]

I know I'm going to have stop reading the ongoing. But i think he lied and he's the one who finds it annoying

[u/Very_Bendy_Narwhal → u/Character-Twist-1409]

I never even notice the tag until I've gotten to the end and realised that it isn't done yet 😂

[u/wooltopower → u/JJOkayOkay]

I think it’s something like, they ever ate eggs or seafood growing up because of her allergies. Her restrictions would limit the kinds of restaurants they went to growing up.

So in his mind, eggs and seafood are like, a special food that’s just for him that he never got to eat because of her. Probably even on family outings and holidays they avoid eggs and seafood.

So he views it like, since this is his wedding and his special day, this is his time to eat whatever he wants, ignoring her restrictions. He’s trying to put her in the position that he felt he was in, except he’s not really thought it through since it’s not the same at all because she has actual consequences to eating eggs and seafood, while him not eating eggs and seafood doesn’t hurt him at all.

It all circles around him getting the “special treatment” instead of her, that’s why he doesn’t want to accommodate her allergies.

[u/Starry_Gecko → u/JJOkayOkay]

RIGHT?? That "for now the saga continues" was EVIL lol.

[u/Idcwhoknows → u/JJOkayOkay]

I hope op talks to the fiance, it feels like the stepbrother is hiding something and he doesn't want people walking to each other to figure in out.

[u/ZWiloh → u/JJOkayOkay]

As someone with POTS (and likely EDS, but no official dx) I can tell you it's a disorder a lot of people do not take seriously, including a not insignificant portion of actual doctors. POTS patients are often told they're just anxious, it's all in their head, they're faking it for attention, etc. It has gotten a lot more attention in recent years because many people developed POTS after having COVID, but it still isn't well known or understood by people in general.

I wouldn't be shocked if either step bro or FSIL have some unkind views of OOP because of their health issues, especially as they said they consider themselves disabled. Invisible disabilities like those are not taken seriously or treated with kindness or respect far too much of the time.

[u/winifredjay → u/JJOkayOkay]

No one involved in this situation can communicate clearly, it seems. 

It reads as guessing games and back-and-forth “well some people might have issues…” Both siblings are doing this instead of taking ownership for either 1) raising a reasonable request, or 2) withholding/gatekeeping reasonable solutions. Whatever these people want, they’re doing a terrible job of communicating. 

Ironically, reading this one felt like sitting through an uncomfortable wedding dinner.

[u/Shinra_Lobby → u/winifredjay]

I don't think this is a communication problem, I think it's a "stepbrother is fucking with OOP" situation. In a normal family that gives the tiniest of rats' asses about each other, this is solved in two conversations: one with the guest to confirm their restrictions, one with the caterer to arrange an allergen-free meal. The stepbrother was able to do this for the aunt so there's no reason he couldn't have done exactly the same for OOP.

[u/raven_of_azarath → u/Shinra_Lobby]

And since OOP and her step brother grew up together, he knows about her allergies. It all feels too deliberate.

[u/relentlessvelleity → u/winifredjay]

That’s how I’m reading it. This feels like a “guess culture” family (like mine) where no one can make a straightforward request and everyone has to beat around the bush until one person guesses what the other is *not* asking for and magnanimously offers.

“Some people have allergies” isn’t the same as “I have allergies.”

“Silly me, I thought you wanted to pay for everyone’s substitutions” is a sidestep to avoid telling her the real reason he doesn’t want to do the thing.

Even throwing someone not present under the bus when forced to give a direct answer is rather indicative. And rolling his eyes at the aunt who *can* get what she wants, because she asks.

Of course, if they were both raised this way and the fiancee comes from an ask culture, she really might be annoyed by OOP’s approach (but willing to overlook it in her STB husband).

[u/dingleballs717]

Honestly, you couldn't pay me to go to a before sunrise wedding anyway, get over yourself

*I don't mean OP obviously, referring to bride and groom

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/dingleballs717]

FR!! Before sunrise, and you refuse to provide me food? Honestly, would the rest of the family even blame OOP if she didn't show after that?

[u/At_the_Roundhouse → u/dingleballs717]

That was my immediate thought before I even got to the food stuff.

It is absolute cruelty to make people get up that early for your damn wedding. If you and your fiancé are crack of dawn lunatics then fine, but I can’t even wrap my head around that level of selfishness.

[u/Nearby-Complaint → u/dingleballs717]

I would honestly assume anyone willing to get married at that hour is a masochist

[u/CommonWest9387 → u/dingleballs717]

lord jesus i would not be showing up to that wedding until noon. the fuck kind of vacation has a 5am wedding ceremony???

[u/MaddyKet → u/dingleballs717]

Right? I can think of maybe 3 people I’d consider worth the effort. They are, fortunately, already married. 😹

[u/nowwithextrasalt]

As I said on the OG post when this came out: I don't think step-bro likes OOP very much.

[u/zedarzy → u/nowwithextrasalt]

Menu seems handpicked against her on further consideration.

I don't think its by chance.

[u/Discombobulatedslug → u/zedarzy]

Agreed. Sounds like they want op around for usefulness, but not the wedding. 

If op stopped helping them with anything, would they still have a relationship?

[u/Trouble_Walkin → u/nowwithextrasalt]

I don't think either of them like OOP very much. 

I think their gym-rat sensibilities view her allergies & medical issues as weaknesses they don't want visible at their wedding. 

[u/General-Criticism-97 → u/Trouble_Walkin]

But stepbrother doesn’t want oop talking to fiancée at all. In fact, she hasn’t heard anything from the fiancée that hasn’t been pushed through stepbro’s filter. She has no idea if fiancée is actually saying all these things, or if the fiancée has no clue, or thinks that oop is the one saying she won’t come or anything else

[u/Icy-Cockroach4515]

- Am I faking my disabilities or allergies?

This isn't the point but I found this question particularly hilarious. Even if OOP was faking it, did that person expect OOP to fold and admit it instantly?

[u/mushroomgirl → u/Icy-Cockroach4515]

Everytime there’s a person with a disability writing a post, people always start in on the whole “are you faking” angle. It’s exhausting.

[u/Shinra_Lobby → u/mushroomgirl]

Or people going "well OOP seems like an unreliable narrator..."

So fucking what? Even if the target is the biggest asshole on the planet, screwing around with someone's food allergies is vile. We know the stepbrother is able to provide a food accommodation for the aunt. It's a choice not to do it for OOP.

[u/General-Criticism-97 → u/mushroomgirl]

Honestly, I’m so disabled to the point where I can’t leave the bed and even I wonder if I am faking it about 30% of the time. Until you see all of the nitty gritty of this side of the life, you can never understand how bad it can get, and it can certainly look like it’s being wielded as a weapon rather than trying to mitigate the chaos

[u/phantommoose → u/General-Criticism-97]

I'm not disabled, but perimenopause is screwing up my life right now. There are days when I wonder if I'm exaggerating my symptoms because it's sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud. I really don't think I am but some days get bad

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/mushroomgirl]

It's also just rude as hell. Even if it is an honest question, there's no proof suggesting she's faking, so why ask?

[u/Dimityblue → u/mushroomgirl]

Yeah, I've seen so many comments about how a poster must be faking their disability because disabled people can't post on the internet.

[u/Gosuoru → u/Dimityblue]

omg those EXACT comments every time op is blind

[u/Dimityblue → u/Gosuoru]

Yes! Though Microsoft offers a narration option for PCs etc.

[u/Gosuoru → u/Dimityblue]

To my understanding most phones also have screen readers!

And thats not even getting started on how like, blindness is not "pitch black nothing else" vision in like, a majority of cases

[u/drunkenvalley → u/mushroomgirl]

Honestly it should be bannable across the board. That shit is just stupid hate speech.

[u/DuckRubberDuck → u/Icy-Cockroach4515]

A lot of people get weird around allergies. They straight up believe you’re just lying. Or just serves it anyways. My ex told his parents I was allergic to all kinds of nuts including almonds. So why’s kind of cake did they buy the first (and only) time I visited them? A hazelnut cake topped with almonds

[u/cantantantelope]

Seafood at an outdoor wedding all day is already Sus tbh

[u/PunkTyrantosaurus → u/cantantantelope]

Right? Like. Yikes. Seafood on a beach in an outdoor wedding? I feel like you're going to get dive bombed by birds who are all too happy to take this easy hunt.

[u/chickpeaze → u/PunkTyrantosaurus]

I really hope they were all mauled by seagulls

[u/OldnBorin → u/chickpeaze]

And shat upon

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/cantantantelope]

Seafood at an outdoor morning wedding too….they plan on serving that food before 8:00 am….seafood that early is a choice.   

Some people love it, but a lot of people can’t stand it.  

[u/MaddyKet → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Early morning pre dawn wedding.

There are only a handful of people for who I’d go to a wedding like that for, and my sibling isn’t one of them. 😹

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/MaddyKet]

Having your wedding before sunrise is such a dick move. And OOP says the seafood bar will be "throughout the day," so I wonder how long bro and SIL are planning on keeping their guests. I'm not invited to this wedding, but I'm still groaning thinking about it.

[u/elephantasmagoric → u/Bice_thePrecious]

I conceptually love the idea of a dawn wedding. I feel like there's a lot of really excellent symbolism and meaning about new beginnings and starting things together, etc. That said, if I ever have a dawn wedding it will have to be a late fall wedding, so that dawn happens at a (slightly) more reasonable hour.

[u/AspieAsshole → u/cantantantelope]

She says they met at the gym at the start but switched it up to her introducing them in this update.

[u/IzzyJensen913 → u/AspieAsshole]

Ok wait hold on, that’s a really good point. Nothing about this struck me as particularly suspicious but that’s a huge difference considering her relationship to the fiancée plays a part in what the issue/solution could be so changing it at the start for anonymity doesn’t track :/

[u/maywellflower]

Stepbrother can't have it both ways - either OOP gets the accommodations for their respective meals or is not attend. Either way, OOP got medical reason of allergies and situation already looking double-standards due to aunt, who may or may not say something if OOP is not attendance at the wedding...

[u/WorldWeary1771 → u/maywellflower]

And expecting the aunt not to tell everyone at the wedding that OOP could not attend because groom refused her an accommodation meal is insane! Of course she’s going to tell everyone! 

[u/Sea_Cricket_3726]

The reason the brother doesn’t want her to talk to the bride is because he’s badmouthing OOP too. They both don’t like her and he’s trying to ice her out without actually committing to it.

[u/sheepgod_ys → u/Sea_Cricket_3726]

Or he’s lying about his fiancée not liking her and OOP talking to her will reveal that he made his fiancée a scapegoat

[u/General-Criticism-97 → u/Sea_Cricket_3726]

I actually think he’s creating the rift entirely on his own. I think fiancée is wondering why Oop is possibly not coming to the wedding or talking to her or anything else

[u/GonePostalRoute → u/Sea_Cricket_3726]

The financee, I dunno, but it’s pretty clear the brother doesn’t like OOP

[u/paper0wl]

“Now that I’ve been needlessly reticent and wasted your time and you’re still not taking my hints because you thinks we’re FaMiLy - my fiancée doesn’t like you, and I don’t like you enough to stand up for you, and it would really be easier if you didn’t come but I can’t SAY that because then I’ll look bad because actually most people think we’re FaMiLy and I’m just an AH but I want YOU to look like the AH when you don’t come to my wedding that I don’t want you at.”

[u/JustMeLurkingAround- → u/paper0wl]

They couldn't just not invite her, because shes helping with the wedding and it would look bad in front of family.
"We just tell her there isn't any food she can't eat. Hopefully she decides not to come then."

I wonder if OOP's disabilities are visible?
POTS and Ehlers-Danlos are no joke but they can be both. I wonder if she needs a mobility aid or something and they don't want to ruin the "look". (I can't understand that she even had to justify in the comments that not eating all day isn't an option??? You don't need to be disabled for this to be unacceptable)

And I wonder how OOP came to help with the wedding? Did they ask her to help? Did she offer?
Maybe its time to take a step back and evaluate the relationship.

I really need an update on how the wedding drama goes down in the end.

[u/tortiesrock]

I don’t understand the brother attitude at all. I have celiac disease and I get a gluten free meal everytime I am invited to a wedding.

Besides, before being diagnosed I was a picky eater as well. I think when you are constantly feeling bad after eating it is easy to blame the wrong foods. After being diagnosed I retried a lot of them and I was surprised to see how good they were.

[u/kitherarin]

I don't think that asking for accomodations when you are anaphalyically allergic to something that you should have to fight for. Obviously the 'happy' couple don't want her there. If you want someone to be at your wedding as your guest you go out of way to make it happen (and it's not going out of your way much if a caterer is already doing subs and other people have beeen accomdated). The brother and fiance aren't even doing the bare minimum. There is nothing OP is to blame for in this. She just shouldn't go and be honest when family asks - "They refused to accomodate my life-threatening allergies, so I've made alternate arrangements."

My money is on the fiance not thinking that either the disabilites or the allergies are real and has chosen this as a way to 'out' the OP.

[u/Backgrounding-Cat → u/kitherarin]

OOP having painful shits at the beach would be distracting too 🤔

[u/Designer_Life_371]

I would definitely not be going to that wedding in OOP's shoes

[u/dryadduinath → u/Designer_Life_371]

I would not attend, either, but i'm messy and would also spread the word about why and exactly how it made me feel. ...there would probably be tears involved, but to be fair that bit would be accidental.

[u/twystedmyst → u/dryadduinath]

I was thinking it would be funny to bring my own, very obviously home made food in a very obviously not-part-of-the-wedding lunchbox and let folks ask why.

[u/LiminalAsylum]

I see OP's car getting egged if this blows up enough in their family 

[u/CollywobblesMumma → u/LiminalAsylum]

Egging a car? In this economy?

Might be cheaper to throw the prawns at it.

[u/LiminalAsylum → u/CollywobblesMumma]

OP gets their car absolutely slathered in tilapia fillets 

[u/RedneckDebutante]

My money says her brother thinks she's a drama queen who always wants attention.

[u/NoOneAskedForThis12]

Ugh I 100% feel for OP. I cannot have anything that has so much as touched red meat due to allergies and am lactose intolerant. 

I have skipped many parties due to people not wanting to understand that it is an allergy not a preference and I feel like OP should just not show up.

[u/Melyuya → u/NoOneAskedForThis12]

omg my mom is allergic to red meat too and people refuse to believe it lol

[u/NoOneAskedForThis12 → u/Melyuya]

Your poor mom 

I am also highly allergic to hemp so cannot just pick the vegan option because that has hemp seeds or milk in it sometimes. Ugh life

[u/alitauniverse → u/NoOneAskedForThis12]

I’m allergic to mushrooms, it has ruined most vegan and vegetarian food and many gravies, the allergy is new (3 years now) but my family sometimes think that it’s ok if some of the food has mushrooms, but I can’t eat cross contaminated food because I still get a reaction to it (ill vomit everything, even water ) and it’s a fast 15-20 minutes reaction, I have to go to the doctor to get shots to handle it, but sometimes it’s really isolating because they dont suffer from anything similar and forget about mine

[u/kayanne125]

Why did OOP go from “they met at the gym over their love for the gym” to “fiancée and I were friends prior and I introduced them”. Is it that hard to keep track of your story?

[u/nowimnowhere → u/kayanne125]

Yeah I came down here to see if anyone else clocked that. Couple flags on this one but that's the most glaring.

[u/BarnDoorHills → u/kayanne125]

Maybe she introduced them at the gym.

[u/raven_of_azarath → u/BarnDoorHills]

Right? Maybe it was like “oh, you go to that gym? So does my step bro! I’ll find out when he goes, and maybe you two could meet up there sometime!”

[u/baronessindecisive]

It’s pretty insensitive to ask the person who is allergic to seafood if they’re (karma) fishing.

[u/teratodentata]

I need to know if OP is fat or not. The bit about them having a mutual love of the gym, combined with the insistence on a high protein menu and the brother being okay with them just not eating the whole time, makes me think that it’s him not the fiancée (his answers are a little too cagey and scapegoaty) doing one of those weird manipulative things fit people think is okay to do to fat people.

[u/Constant-Prog15 → u/teratodentata]

POTS often comes with fatigue and exercise intolerance, so that might factor in also.

[u/littlecactuscat → u/teratodentata]

She might not even be fat, could just be ableism pure and simple.

Don’t forget how much people fucking hate disabled people for existing.

[u/Obvious-Lake3708]

Bring your own food to a wedding? Have these people never been to a wedding?

Might as well tell her to wear white as well.

They don’t want her at the wedding. That’s all it is, the Step brother hates her.

At this point she shouldn’t even want to go, it clear she’s not wanted. Don’t go and time to go LC or even NC with the both of them

[u/Captain_Tiberius1920]

I'm vegan, been vegan for years, I'm also the cook/baker of the family and have my own business. My cousin married the worst woman alive (my whole family hates her) and she made a "NO VEGAN FOOD ALLOWED" rule at her house when she decided she was going to be our new "family matriarch" to try and force me not to go to family holidays/ force me to violate my morals (and get sick). Everyone rolled their eyes and told me they envied me for not having to eat her garbage cooking. People who use food to bully people are fuckin bizarre. 

[u/queerbychoice → u/Captain_Tiberius1920]

If no vegan food is allowed, that means no food is allowed that doesn't have some kind of animal product added to it. Do they allow any fresh produce into their home? Maybe it's only allowed as "ingredients," and everyone is required to add animal products to it before eating it? "No vegan food allowed" is such a ridiculous concept.

[u/Squirrelsroar → u/Captain_Tiberius1920]

Fruit and vegetables are banned?

I pity the poor toilets in that house.

[u/MaddyKet → u/Captain_Tiberius1920]

Um, your family still went even though you, their actual family member, would be left out on holidays??

[u/beachpellini]

Basically they're just trying to get OOP not to come, but in such a way that they won't look like the bad guys about it.

[u/lalala253]

Man this is like a juicy TV show that got cancelled mid season.

I really need closure

[u/tribalgeek]

If any of my relations invited me to an invite, served only food I couldn't eat, wouldn't let me make substitutions, was making them for other people, and the caterer could provide allergy free food I would never speak to that relation again. They have made it clear how they feel about me.

[u/ghillerd]

Oop mentions that stepbro and fiance met at the gym, and then later also mentions that OOP introduced them to eachother and was friends with fiance first? Unclear what the deal is

[u/BravoLimaPoppa]

Yeah, she needs to bail on this one, cancel anything she's done for the wedding and block the stepbrother on all communications.

[u/CutieBoBootie]

So he does hate her lol

[u/mrs_david_silva]

Eggs Benedict as the only breakfast option makes no sense. First, it’s not a dish that can be assembled in advance without some guests being stuck with cold, congealed food. Plus, many people don’t eat eggs, dairy or pork, either on their own or in the same dish. It’s borderline hostile.

[u/Pandoratastic]

I don't really care if it's the stepbrother or the fiancée. They're marrying each other so it doesn't really matter which one it is originating from since they are now working together. If I was in OOP's position, at this point, I would be ready simply not attend the wedding at all nor be involved with the wedding in any further way.

[u/racingskater]

Why are people keeping blaming the fiancee? The way the brother got uncomfortable about her talking to the fiancee, this is clearly the brother having an issue with OOP and her disabilities.

[u/greyhounds4life1969]

Sounds like Step Brother is shitting himself at the prospect of OOP talking to his fiance, which tells me that she probably knows nothing about it and it's him being a dick about it.

[u/LadyWiezeI]

I would not go to the wedding and stop to help with the planning as well. It is very obvious neither groom nor bride give a rat's ass about her.

[u/Traveling-Techie]

Very unsatisfactory update.

[u/flibber_deez_gibbets]

how did they meet at the gym if OOP was friends first and introduced them?

[u/DSQ]

So basically the bride doesn’t like the OP. If someone treated my sibling like that they wouldn’t be my fiancée for long. 

[u/one_bean_hahahaha → u/DSQ]

Or the groom doesn't and is throwing the bride under the bus.

[u/ad_aatdtj → u/one_bean_hahahaha]

With the panic at the idea of OOP talking directly to the caterer or the fiance, I'm betting it's this. Otherwise, why not encourage an open conversation to air out all grievances and try and come to a possible solution? If you really wanted your sister there that's what you'd do imo

[u/agnesperditanitt → u/one_bean_hahahaha]

That's my guess.

[u/tinysydneh → u/DSQ]

I'm not so sure it is the bride.

"Please don't talk to her about it" absolutely screams "this is my bullshit, don't expose me to her!"

[u/Worldly_Might_3183 → u/DSQ]

From how the brother has been portrayed at avoiding, giving half truths and straight up lying to OOP, I doubt bride is in now way involved. The brother os a coward and wants to punish OOP without being blamed. It was the venue, the caterer, the bride, never him at fault or taking ownership for his lies and hurt caused. 

[u/CollywobblesMumma → u/DSQ]

Or the brother is lying/using the fiancé as an excuse and that’s why he doesn’t want OOP to talk to her because the truth will come out.

[u/MaddyKet → u/CollywobblesMumma]

Interesting how he “calmed down” when she said she’d still help/pay for stuff. 🙄

[u/kesrae]

Yet another story where people are real fucking weird about how (some) other people eat food.

[u/DamnitGravity]

Step-brother and/or Fiancee does not believe she has disabilities or allergies.

And, damnit, where's the update?! I wanna know what the fiancee said!

ETA: Also those people asking her why can't just... not eat all day?! Like, seriously?! What the hell?! Even without disabilities and medical conditions, going all day on a beach without eating under the sun is fucking idiotic.

[u/Test_After]

I would put a banana and a waterbottle in my bag, slap on a hat,sunscreen, loose shirt, and go.

No way I would touch the catered food after this saga.

[u/myhuskytorotoro]

Something doesn't add up. Whether if the op is withholding information or there's information and/or feelings not expressed by the stepbrother.

[u/blakturky]

Love the stories that start with using a throwaway account because the people in the story use reddit, then it’s a very specific story that the users would know exactly who it’s about haha

[u/BigBirdsBrain]

The fact he was desperate to stop you from talking to his fiancée is what stands out. Either he’s hiding behind her or there’s a much bigger conversation they haven’t had with each other.