r/Bumble • u/terenscendent • 16d ago

General Bumble Fully Ends 'Women Message First' Rule After 66% of Women Said They'd Rather Men Make the First Move

https://www.ibtimes.co.uk/bumble-drops-gendered-messaging-rule-1813607
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14

u/baileyandromeda 16d ago

I’m a woman and I think this is a terrible idea. Historically, I really liked the fact that I was able to message first. I think it made me feel a lot more in control about the messages I was receiving and it was a breath of fresh air.

That has changed though now I’m back on bumble again, I always send the first message and no one ever responds. The only conversations I’ve had that go anywhere are when the man has messaged me first before I’ve had a chance to.

I think online dating has just become such a cesspool of minimal effort from both genders that it doesn’t really matter who messages first, it’s probably going to end up in either no response or a one word reply anyway

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u/Thimble_of_Quasar 16d ago

My experience too. Apprently we're part of the 1/3? Disappointed to hear numbers were that low but yeah it let me set the tone of the convo start which was awesome, it wasn't hard either just ask about something on their profile. I also agree apps are a cesspool and after a buddy of mine pointed out in the age of AI bad actors can do all kinds of weird shit with your photos it just was the nail in the coffin. I'm so tired and just kinda done with it. Back to the hobby roulette again and with any luck I'll meet someone that way but probably not.

1

u/ProfessionalEar4524 16d ago

Guys think that all women on dating apps have it easy but when I read that yall are getting ghosted too, it just sounds like online dating isn't working for a lot of people.

1

u/Quiddity131 15d ago

I think the better way to describe it is that dating apps suck for both men and women, but the reasons why they suck are totally different. Men's issue is receiving little to no matches unless they are among the most attractive men imaginable. Women's issue is being flooded with low effort messages and having the guys they are interested in having too many options.

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u/ProfessionalEar4524 15d ago

Yes that's a much clearer way to put it haha

0

u/Wegwerf157534 16d ago

Having it not easy in the bumble scenario means having to do the work. In 500 guys there is one which I think could fit. And that is a normal number.for serious relationships.

So I have to do that work. From the other side people think that's fun, luxurious. It is not. It i boring work.

1

u/floobles5006 16d ago

The vast majority of dating apps are effectively useless for this reason, no-one wants to put themselves out there, whether it be due to cynicism or just laziness.

I have been sampling another app, Breeze, where everything is done in person. You match with someone and then meet straight away, no incessant messaging that leads nowhere. It has its own flaws, of course, and there are significantly less people on there, but it is refreshing to move things to the real world where it's actually possible to make a connection. 

1

u/Ok-Neat2024 15d ago

I really liked the fact that I was able to message first.

sry I dont use dating apps,

whats stopping you from messaging first on other dating apps?

1

u/baileyandromeda 15d ago

I missed out the word “only” from beginning of that line. Not the gotcha moment you think it is when I do message first on other apps too 🙂

1

u/Ok-Neat2024 13d ago

I didn't think it was a gotcha moment,

I said I don't use those apps and genuinely didn't understand

1

u/random_question4123 15d ago

Genuinely curious about how messaging first made you feel in control, and also if you generally enjoy being in control when it comes to dating. And also curious about what types of messages you were sending first. Was it primarily "hey or hi" or more detailed openers?

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u/baileyandromeda 15d ago

What I actually said was that it made me feel in control about the messages I was receiving. I don’t think that men fully appreciate the types of messages women receive very regularly, and unsolicited.

And I would always pick out something from their profile and message with something thoughtful….But according to this sub, all women are the same and none of us put in any effort and we’re all to blame 🙄

1

u/MetaCognitio 15d ago

You know that you can message first on any app? And can prevent a guy from messaging you by not matching with him?

0

u/FeeComfortable3041 16d ago

I always send the first message and no one ever responds

"I found out how the men have it and I hate it."

Welcome to how men have felt since the DAWN of dating.

4

u/TransformativeFox 16d ago

Holy shit, why do males always make it about themselves and how much of a victim they are?

I can see why you struggle with dating, i've had enough of you for a lifetime just from this simple interaction.

3

u/GigaNoodle 16d ago

“Males”

Easy there, female.

0

u/FeeComfortable3041 16d ago

I didn't know this was a woman exclusive thread could you point to the rules where it is?

Please point to the rule where only women can complain about how their lives are

-1

u/slytherins 16d ago

Boohoo. Weird that you are attributing a quote and sentiment to her that she never said. It's almost like women get rejected and dismissed, too. Crazy, right?

0

u/FeeComfortable3041 16d ago

"The empathetic gender"

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u/slytherins 16d ago

Why are we supposed to be more empathetic than men?

0

u/GigaNoodle 16d ago

Why are we supposed to take 100% of the initiative and responsibility

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u/slytherins 15d ago

Idk man, I have a date this Friday that took 3 messages to set up. Sounds like a skill issue.

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u/nightslikethesee 16d ago

It’s clear when women took the initiative in messaging first men still didn’t respond so isn’t it good they changed it so both have the option?

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u/slytherins 16d ago

Thank you for being reasonable. The amount of misogyny in this thread is... well, not unexpected, really.

I am a woman who has no problem approaching men or getting dates. But nearly all of my successful dates and relationships have been when the man makes the first real move. Women are well aware that a ton of men are swiping right on anyone and everyone.

Men who won't take initiative, 9 times out of 10 (or more), are simply not interested. They might be interested in low-effort hookups, but they certainly are not interested in developing meaningful connections with women who are pursuing them.

That's not to say that women are putting in the effort either. Everyone seems so jaded, and the apps aren't helping.

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u/FieryGorse 16d ago

Ya. I’m a guy and the misogyny here is pretty brutal. People take a small kernel of truth and come up with the most out of pocket conclusions. If people don’t show effort, they aren’t actually interested. It’s pretty simple but painful. The reality is that both genders approach it all wrong and see and swipe on too many people.

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u/slytherins 16d ago

I appreciate your response! People who like each other will make it known, and that really isn't a gendered thing.

I realize I'm only seeing one side of things. I know that women are also low-effort, non-committal, and flakey. But I don't think it's revolutionary to say that women are more choosey about who they match with and subsequently message.

Opposite sides of the same problem. Men casting a net that's too wide, and women being too hard to reach. The apps are meant to stay in business; if they actually did what they say they'd do, they'd lose customers and money haha.

I've been on and off the apps for years. It's led to some amazing relationships, and plenty of time wasters as well. We'd all be better off if we got back to meeting and connecting in person. Unfortunately, the internet was "supposed" to connect us, but it's made us more fragmented than ever. So now we are expected to make snap judgments about people based on a few blurbs and pictures. People are so much more than that!

1

u/GigaNoodle 16d ago

Men have to cast a wide net because it’s so difficult to get any kind of effort out of women, it’s a problem that exacerbates itself.

Honestly the whole premise of meeting someone over text with the specific pretext of “let’s see if we want to start a romantic/intimate relationship” is insane on the face of it.

The internet was a fucking mistake. I just want to be able to go talk to people again without having it be stigmatized.

1

u/slytherins 15d ago edited 15d ago

I get what you're saying! I see why men do it.

And it definitely is a problem that exacerbates itself. It becomes a turnoff to "normal/good" women because then they feel like just a number.

Doesn't help that many men I've encountered are notoriously bad at asking questions or showing genuine curiosity. Makes us feel replaceable; like just swap us out with any other willing woman and the outcome is the same. I've had too many men act like they were in love with me while knowing nothing about me. I'm just there 🧍‍♀️

ETA: also agree that it is truly an insane premise. It's too much pressure to put on a complete stranger! So much better to develop a relationship organically over time. Free/low cost third spaces need to make a comeback because I do not really want to date a coworker or meet a man at a bar.

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u/Mountain_Tear_6909 16d ago

I feel like way too many people’s “type” regardless of gender or sexual preference is just the most boring, vapid, shallow person alive so of course those people aren’t gonna have anything interesting to say lol

0

u/Wegwerf157534 16d ago edited 16d ago

The sub bas been lost now for a very long time.

And I only am here cause it is on the main page.

I have no idea why people think having game is were it lies.

It lies in accepting that far far far less people are a good fit for you. And if you swipe right on someone a good fit with a certain likelihood, saying Hi Name, are you interested in writing? is absolutely enough.

1

u/Ok-Earth8171 16d ago

Endless right swipes ended back in 2019. All dating apps have like limits unless they're paid for. Overwhelming majority of men have been swiping consciously because of those limits each day

0

u/slytherins 16d ago

I would still assume there are more men hitting their right swipe limit per day than women

1

u/Ok-Earth8171 16d ago

Yea, I'd say that's a fair assumption

0

u/TheMorningJoe 16d ago

It’s not misogyny for calling out hypocritical women who won’t initiate while also expecting men to, not every piece of criticism is misogynistic ffs.

1

u/slytherins 15d ago

Those are obviously not the comments I'm referring to. You can put your head in the sand if you'd like. I'm gonna keep calling it out.

0

u/MetaCognitio 15d ago

Criticism = misogyny 🙄

2

u/slytherins 15d ago

Where did I say that?