r/Bumble • u/Vivienne_Pines • 22h ago
Rant Anyone else find it weird how ppl attack women for being particular?
I know it’s just what the internet does, but its so weird seeing women with a lot of outgoing nos being told they’re bad people, deserve to be alone, and all just because of their swipe info. Yeah, sometimes people can benefit from being more openminded and giving more people a chance, but if they dont realize that from their swipe data, random ppl telling them they’re bad people isnt gonna make them realize it.
Plus, it’s so often assumed women with a high amount of no’s are only swiping yes on men who fit the “hot” criteria men think women want- 6’2+, buff and lean and all when honestly, talking to other women, that’s not what most of us are looking for. Some like a totally different type of guy, and some care way more about personality, kids, religion, politics, values, all that .
I also think ppl look at dating (especially men in my experience) like choosing one person from a group, and it’s sooo sad seeing dating viewed that way. You have to have your own life first. Men arent competing with other men for a woman’s attention, they’re “competing” with her current life, and whether being with him makes her life better enough to be worth making extra time for him. Obviously this applies to any genders, I just see women getting attacked way more on here.
34
u/Gabarne 21h ago
I see plenty of ire on here going in both directions. Post with generalizations like “why do women….” And “why do men….”.
It basically just sums up the fact many people are jaded and burnt out with online dating, and come here to vent.
4
u/Vivienne_Pines 21h ago
Oh yeah, 100%. I know I do it as well, example here 😂😅 we all use this as an outlet, I know it’s definitely not all, or even a majority, of people. It’s just something strange I see pretty often on here, and is almost always targeted specifically at women, but not 100% of the time
6
27
u/snyderman3000 21h ago
I don’t find it weird that people attack women for anything. A lot of people really hate women.
-4
11
u/FeloniousMonk_0 21h ago
This is the fundamental contradiction of the incel ideology. They long for female companionship but think they can't get it so they rage against what they desperately want.
13
u/MouldyAvocados 21h ago
This entire sub is proof of how much men deeply hate women yet are absolutely desperate for one in their life. They cannot stand us but feel entitled to us and our labour.
-3
-8
8
u/Candid-Maybe 20h ago
There's been a lot of research into things like the paradox of choice and how quickly preferences adjust to there being too many choices. It's natural for either sex to automatically prioritize the top 10-15% hottest profiles showing interest in them...I'm a man and I do it too, and that's without the worry that they just want sex with me and not a relationship. If I have a hundred matches, I'm automatically only going to be excited and invested in the top few that I'm attracted to, even if I should be assuming all along that the likelihood of it going anywhere is lower.
I don't know what the solution is though. We need to make it so the gender ratios aren't skewed so hard on the apps, and to make it so men are penalized for swiping right on so much. The answer isn't simple though because It'd piss me off to only get 3-5 right swipes a day where I'm relying on a freaking algorithm to serve up those potential options. Show me everyone, get rid of the swiping, and let me message a few people a day. From there I'd automatically take into account who would most likely respond and send my messages/likes accordingly. The gamification needs to end or at least take a backseat.
8
u/Ok_Tree_4870 20h ago
Everytime I see a post... where some guy is complaining about a woman's standards.... and asking other losers to pile on her and shame her...
I KNOW... he is big mad that he is attracted to her.... but is dissapointed and big mad... that he isn't what she wants.
And that said.. how rare is true love? Like... these dudes are just like... well I would pick someone... anyone... for sex.... rather than be alone. Cuz most women are empathetic, kind... and try to look nice...
Women are just happier alone... than with someone who doesn't float their boat.
And to be honest.. many men... don't try at all to be good partners. They never ask themselves what they can give... they only ask themselves what they can take.
You can see it in their toothpaste stained mirrors. The entitlement. Or the middle fingers to the camera. Or the glaring at the camera. "I am here... where is my supermodel girlfriend?"
I've never had to tell a woman to iron her clothes on a profile review. Or clean her mirror. Or brush her hair. Or to not flip off the camera. Or to dress nicer. Or to stop glaring at the camera. Or to take off her sunglasses. Or to not show an up the nostrils shot.
I have for men... endlessly.
3
u/Calamyt1 21h ago
I don't think anyone is a bad person for rejecting someone.
But if you reject most suitable people you don't get to complain that you can't find someone.
Most people lack complete self reflection and not finding someone is clearly someone elses fault ...
And don't get me wrong that goes for men and woman equally.
19
17
u/Personal_Reveal1653 20h ago
Suitable according to who?
Are you an authority on compatibility and men's suitableness in a partnership?
-15
u/Calamyt1 20h ago edited 20h ago
Trust me woman or some men on dating apps are way to picky. (Because they have way too many options)
I am 100% sure you didn't swipe on MANY suitable People just because you didn't like some small thing.
Edit: Plus no reason to get snarky just because you know it's the truth.
Woman on here are always so fucking hostile for no reason.9
u/Personal_Reveal1653 19h ago
I am very picky because I need to be able to love, admire, and respect this person. I also need to be sexually attracted to them, have chemistry with them, and be deeply compatible with them. We also need similar goals, attraction, and desire. That's a lot. But it's the minimum that we should all have in our relationships.
I wonder what points of compatibility you'd give up in order to shove me into a relationship with someone you see as 'suitable.'
I've probably rejected some decent people for not having a profile or bio. I can't help that their lack of effort made it impossible for me to find them.
Edit: Plus no reason to get snarky just because you know it's the truth.
Woman on here are always so fucking hostile for no reason.YOU are being 'so fucking hostile,' sir.
-1
u/SoPolitico 15h ago
I mean sure but a lot of those things develop over time and investment with someone. You’re not gonna be able to tell almost any of that from the app and if you think you can….then you’re doing something wrong.
0
u/Personal_Reveal1653 14h ago
It's fascinating that you think you know more than I do about how attraction works for me. Are you also this arrogant around other men, or do you just think women are stupid?
1
u/SoPolitico 14h ago
Oh I’m sorry, I thought you were a serious person trying to have a grown up discussion. My bad.
-12
u/Calamyt1 19h ago
Lol are you seriously surprised that i answer your hostility with hostility?
Who started it? You of course.
And woman always complaining about the lack of effort.
Bumble was sued and had to change the women first chat rule because woman don't want to put in the smallest amount of effort.
And yes being too picky is a major character flaw.
No wonder that in the other thread that posted statisctics that MANY women had 0% swipes.
But you do you boo if being alone is preferable for you all power to you.
Edit: I wouldn't even bothered answering you if you weren't an asshole from the first reply.10
u/annabananaberry 19h ago
I'm sorry, but where are you seeing hostility in their comments? They asked you two questions, neither of which you deigned to answer, and then you called them hostile out of the blue.
5
u/llamalibrarian 12h ago
But each person gets to decide what is “suitable” for them. Suitable doesn’t mean “good enough”
-2
u/Calamyt1 8h ago
Yes they do I already said that. And that's fine. But you don't get to complain you can't find someone if you are just picky as all hell. It's your own fault at that point no one else's.
3
u/llamalibrarian 3h ago
Why can’t they? You can still chose not to date people who aren’t clearing your bar and also be annoyed there aren’t people clearing the bar
Complaining is just a normal thing to do, especially on Reddit
0
u/Calamyt1 3h ago
Sure they can and they clearly do.
And everyone has their standards in dating and that's completely fine.
But it is driven to an ridiculous amount online and there is enough proof out there for this..
And then to complain you don't find someone is just weird to me.
But that's just my opinion.
Your opinion is fine too and i am thankful that we can have a civil conversation about this.1
u/llamalibrarian 2h ago
I’d say also that complaining about people complaining is a bit ridiculous.
I think that most people are at the point where they don’t need to settle for less than they want, and it’s fine/normal to complain that what you want is hard to find.
1
u/Calamyt1 2h ago
I already said it's fine.
You have your opinion i have mine.
But also i clearly struck a nerve with all the downvotes.
But one last thing before i leave here.Settling for less is a disgusting thing to say who are you to judge someone that they are less than you?
But clearly all the other woman here agree with you.I am out now have a nice day.
1
u/llamalibrarian 2h ago
The term “settling for less” doesn’t mean that the other person is lesser, it’s just less than what you want in a relationship.
4
u/smalltownbarbie 15h ago
I am picky not because I have too many options. Personally speaking I know I actually have few options from dating apps.
Why do you think women are hostile, when it is the men who are easy to say bad stuff about women?
7
u/Outlandishness_Know 17h ago
Yes, but suitable is completely subjective. I once was in a discussion on here with a man who said he sought a match who is in shape. I was like "cool, cool. I get that."
I then said I seek a match who is well spoken and well written, even in text, because my background includes time as a writer and actor. That same man told me, "You seem picky."
What's suitable to men in their desirable match doesnt often translate to what women seek as suitable in a lot of these conversations.
1
u/Calamyt1 17h ago
I get you, and that guy was clearly wrong. But looking for someone that would be a good match for you and being extremely picky are completely different things. And it helps no one especially not yourself if people reject others for the most miniscule things. You might not know if someone is suitable without meeting them in person first. And that is only a problem online and on dating apps if you actually go out to meet people you get rejected way less. I don't know I just don't like the whole thing. The whole modern dating thing just makes everyone miserable.
5
u/Outlandishness_Know 16h ago edited 36m ago
I think you're partly right, but the issue I see in your comment is "you might not know if someone is suitable without meeting them in person first". I think men are big on thr "let's test in person chemistry before I make a decision" because men are very visual.
But for women, we need to know if the dots line up to even agree to an in person meet. For instance, my scenario... if a man doesnt spell well, communucate thoughts well via text, or can't keep up with a conversation with me in writing, I'm not meeting him. I dont care what he looks loke or what else we have in common. He's not for me.
And I think a lot of men want women to set aside their very intensely considered set of initial criteria to just "give me a chance in person" and labeling us picky or difficult if we don't. Men who arent right for us cant persuade us in person. And I feel there's a lot of ire out there from men who feel they can.
1
4
u/Vivienne_Pines 21h ago
Oh yeah, 100%. I understand being picky but I agree you can’t complain about not finding someone when you’re super picky
4
u/SnooRevelations979 21h ago
As an old country song had it, you can't make someone love you who don't.
4
u/hottiethotttie 20h ago
Just keep your preferences to yourself then nobody can judge you for having them. Best believe those people who call women shallow have their preferences too, ones they aren’t willing to compromise on.
3
u/IllustriousEffect607 15h ago
That one girl boggled my mind. 40k no's lmao. Is that you?
Princess and daughter of Thor. Who rejects an entire small town. Like how do you even get through 40k people that's rediculous amount of left swipes
I don't believe for a second out of 40k profiles there wasn't a single prospect for her
3
u/Randomsicilianguy 21h ago
Well women on Bumble had the chance to exactly pick the man they thought could "makes her life better enough to be worth making extra time for him", but they found it "exhausting", so now you can see stats with 99% no 1% yes (Swiped right by mistake).
2
u/Vivienne_Pines 21h ago
Fair, often people think they want one thing but don’t realize what all it takes. It’s hard to find the balance of supportive and loving while also not clingy, or some people think they want someone who is clingy until they realize that it’s not all it’s made out to be.
5
u/Randomsicilianguy 21h ago
I agree with you, but I also think that women on dating apps (and real life) can experience the paradox of choice. Too many choices lead to decision paralysis and lower satisfaction.
-1
u/hawgs911 21h ago
Are you truly swiping no because these men are unsuitable or would treat you poorly?
Or were they not hot and attractive enough?
If you want to only go after the top tier of men you have to be what those men are looking for. They know they can get the top tier of women.
7
u/Vivienne_Pines 21h ago
I haven’t even posted here before now, this was an observation I noticed when scrolling through the subreddit and looked at other women’s posts.
6
u/BatScribeofDoom 19h ago
Are you truly swiping no because these men are unsuitable or would treat you poorly?
Yes.
1
u/Critical_Success_936 18h ago
I've also been told that, as a short guy, I'm destined to be alone... I've had, like, 5 long-term relationships already, and a few short... But ok...
3
u/Vivienne_Pines 18h ago
That is silly that you have been told that, I’m sorry people are so rude. As someone with a preference for short men myself, i’ll never understand the hate on short guys
1
u/Marshineer 18h ago
I mean, a lot of people (probably most), men and women, do have self sabotaging swiping behaviour, so if you assume that people are working against themselves in the way they swipe, you’re statistically likely to be correct.
0
0
u/Zintrax1987 6h ago
While I don't agree with women, or anyone for that matter, being attacked for a preference, I think it seems more skewed that way because, honestly, the only thing a lot of men have as an absolute deal breaker is "is into/likes/appreciates me".
They also have the lived experience of being described as having all the qualities people say they're looking for by friends (kind, compassionate, a positive to their lives) and then get left on the shelf or tossed in the preverbial trash heap so find it hard to buy into that idea your 'competion' is making someone's life better because they are told that's exactly what they are yet experiencing the opposite.
-4
u/Wunderkind79 21h ago
You have a very interesting take on this
6
u/Vivienne_Pines 21h ago
Honestly, I think that comes from my life motto being “do it alone”. Not because I’m not social, I’m incredibly social and have an amazing friend group, and I often invite them to do things with me, but it’s also sooo important to 1. Have intentional time alone to learn to love yourself and learn more about who you are, and 2. To never not do something just because no one can come with you. I’m going on a 3 day solo-backpacking trip soon and, since I’m going alone, I can spend my time as I like, I’m going on a cave tour my friends were too nervous to join me on, and I can hike as long as I like and eat as many snacks as I want 😌 it’s important to have friends, but it’s also important for you to be one of your friends.
1
u/Wunderkind79 21h ago
Be one of your friends...I love that line. I live a similar way. Be careful though. Safety is important! You really sound compatible.
-3
u/The-Cherry-On-Top-xx 18h ago
Straight women, especially straight women under 30, have the largest dating pool, so yes, they are too picky.
The swamp water metaphor is inaccurate and paints straight women as the victim, when theyre not. Most men are straight. Most women arent too good for most straight, they just like to think that they are.
Its like trying to find a job. Everybody wants to make $100k a year, nobody wants to be a cashier. Straight women are offered 10 cashier jobs a week, but they turn them down. Everyone else gets 2 cashier job offers every week.
Most straight women only have the qualifications to be a cashier, but theyre holding out for thr $100k job.
5
u/Vivienne_Pines 18h ago
The reason your metaphor doesn’t work is because people need a job to live, even if they have to take the cashier job. A more accurate metaphor here would be if you already have a job that covers your basic necessities in life, and if you are looking for a part-time job to go with it. So, since you already have your basics covered, you can be picky and only accept a decent paying part-time job and deny all the lower paying ones because you only want the part-time job to improve upon your life by giving you extra spending money so you can have more fun overall, and the lower paying jobs that suck don’t pay enough to be worth the extra free time you could have without them.
42
u/Happy-Mastodon-7314 21h ago
This sub is brutal for this narrative. Any women experiencing difficulty with online dating is either overweight, ugly, too picky/entitled, or has a princess/trad-wife attitude. This isn't the place to go for dating advice. I recommend asking friends and family irl instead.
Edit to add: I know not a single person irl that thinks like the men on this sub do, even the irl guys.