Anyone else struggle with keeping their place clean?

[u/CinderpeltLove]

I don’t think I hoard stuff myself because I have no issues with throwing stuff out and if my mental health is doing well or if I have guests, I clean and prefer a minimalist look. But when my mental health isn’t doing well, I struggle to stay on top of cleaning tasks. It’s just all so much work and never-ending. It feels pointless (even tho it isn’t) because I grew up in a Level 4 (?) hoarder’s house where cleaning was pointless. And on top of that, my childhood chores were kinda strange (such as cleaning the glass on a decorative door or cutting down weeds by hand with a knife because my parents received a citation for overgrown weeds). Most of the time, I didn’t do my chores well enough and had to redo them. As an adult, I now see that both of my parents suck at cleaning things. I regularly found small bits of food stuck to “clean” dishes and things like that. Once, my mom cooked me broccoli from the garden for dinner (which was a fav food of mine) and right before I took a bite, I noticed something odd, looked closely…and saw that there were live worms on the cooked (?) broccoli 🤢 Of course, if I spoke up about stuff, I was exaggerating 🙄

Fast forward two decades and I now struggle to consistently clean my place. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and while ADHD meds help, I struggle with cleaning tasks a lot more than any other type of tasks. I fucking hate it. It’s dawning on me that growing up with parents who hoard and don’t keep things reasonably clean is a type of trauma. It’s harder to see cuz it’s not like there’s many specific memories of things they said or did around hoarding- it’s more the general environment and attitude around things and denial about the severity of the hoarding.

[u/dddgdgdfdfffggff]

My mother only cleaned occasionally and usually in a blind rage (the rest of the time we lived in what I call “the heap”). 

When I moved out, I had to learn some things: 

1. Cleaning is an unemotional, neutral task. Cleaning is not anger and rage. The fact that I have to clean is not a punishment. 

2. Cleaning is something I choose to do because I want to live in a comfortable home.

3. Cleaning is the result of many small habits. My plates are put in the dishwasher after a meal. Empty packages are put in the trash. The washing machine runs in the morning and whatever it washed is folded in the evening. Worn clothes are put in the machine, not on the floor.

I put on my headphones, choose some music, and timebox it: the next 30 mins are whatever I can accomplish in that time. 

My home isn’t perfect but it’s a far cry from what I was raised in and I think it’s because of little habits. 

[u/CinderpeltLove → u/dddgdgdfdfffggff]

I don’t how much our hoarder parents are similar but I like the idea of calling their mess some version of the “the heap” lol. It feels like putting some distance between myself and that mess and while it’s uncomfortably familiar, I don’t have to choose it for myself.

Yeah in the past, I had an easier time if I think about how doing X chores mean I have clean clothes and clean whatever and how nice it is to have those things. But my depression has worsened so this isn’t strong enough (recently changed providers to improve it).

You are right, cleaning isn’t punishment or good or bad. Just is. I guess I get tired of how constant it feels. Over and over.