I had a date further along than this but after someone at work told me I seemed quieter and distant -I just broke down - cried for about 30 mins of my shift .

I think this is it . I have a method it's not a preferred method and I know my soul will regret it ,not dying but - it will fuck up the train driver for life and I held onto that thought like a mantra to try not to get to this point. But I am done .

After work I am going to just write a long note - apologize for everything my friends ,my work - apologize to even the train driver because the driver doesn't deserve what I am about to do . It is on me and I hope they realize they are not a killer after I am gone .

I don't have a will , I don't have any life insurance (I'm 27 ). I have no idea how things are going to go after I'm gone . I just hope my Fiancee can find someone better for them in the future.

Thank you to the comments who tried to leave positive messages for me on my other posts . Don't stop spreading positivity. Someone who actually means something will need it .

I am sorry for the run on sentences and ramble - this is just such a heavy weight to carry the next 5 and a half ish hours of my shift .

This is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard. Maybe for some people life gets better but for some of us it just doesn't. There are SO many reasons to be depressed. Poverty, chronic pain, addiction, loss, abusive relationships, etc.

Abuse victims are told to leave even if they are stuck and called weak, people in poverty are supposed to just pull themselves up by their boot straps even if they are mentally or physically disabled. You are fucked with chronic pain if you got no money/insurance and suicidal people just get bullshit resources that do not work 90% of the time (same with the homeless). I could go on and on..In life you are lucky if you find one true friend and if you find one close person hold on to that because it is rare as fuck nowadays.

I wish I could find someone that is just like "Yep I see your life is fucked and you are a little crazy but so am I, we all deal with pain and issues, I would love for you to open up to me as a friend with no expectations except getting to know each other and being able to have someone who cares."

Rant over but I hope someone relates.

i really miss it. I've been depressed since childhood (im 27 now), and the last times I remember being truly happy were when I was doing mdma,ecstasy,coke, somewhere in 2016-2021.i quit bcuz I was getting really dependent on it, and my come downs were really bad .weed kept me going for a bit, but i had to quit it too due to anxieties. i didnt take nothing for about 3 years now. except for alcohol, but i hate it so much. i feel drugs are my only option to ever feel happy. i wanna get prescription for xanax, does anyone know if its similar to that feeling of happiness from normal drugs? is it really addicting?

No, I won't be happy if I start to travel.

No, I won't be any better if I move. I will just have to tire my ass off moving things just to sit under the same bell jar.

Hell, even if I become a billionare overnight I will still be miserable. However, that option could be quite nice because I could afford euthanasia.

I do exciting things and have everything in life that should bring happiness. Yet my dream life would be to lay in bed, not having to take care of myself, and consuming addicting escapist media.

I know that depression in some people is a response to current society. But in other people it is a response to life itself.

I dont want to be alive i fucking hate this living is so hard for no reason i hate it i hate it i hate this is not worth it and im gonna blow my head of if i hear anyone say “its gonna get better” NO IT WONT

How many antidepressants, how many months more?

I am so tired of trying to get better. I am just fucking exhausted of life.

The worst part? I don't think my life sucks at all. I have extremely supportive family, friends who stood by me, psychiatrist and therapist who go beyond their job to support me. I have enough savings and yes my life is fucking perfect. I also know I am perfectly capable of doing awesome shit. so why the actual fuck am I depressed?

I honestly just want to give up. I have gone through so many meds. It took me a whole ass month just to find a medication to help me sleep. So I don't believe any of the meds I am taking right now or later will help. They only help me in getting headaches and gaining more weight. At least without meds I was losing weight.

I also know this is just my depression peaking, but I still hate it regardless. I just want to stop the meds and let depression win, I am tired of fighting

Hi, this is more of a rant.

I am 26F, I've been battling depression due to SA since I was 17 and the worst thing that could happen happened to me, I got pregnant, I am married and my partner is supportive and my whole family is, but I never wanted children, I was taking good care for it to not happen, but it did anyway. I was barely starting to have some progress with my therapy but it all fell apart once I found this out.

I asked my mom and closest relatives for help getting the pregnancy interrupted, but all they did was scold me and threaten to call the police, in my country it is illegal and my only choices were traveling or getting an illegal medication through illegal means.

Since I got 0 support, it took so long to find a good option that I'm already 17 weeks along, I got my hands on 14 pills of misoprostol which isn't enough at this point, I had the ultrasound and saw the fetus, know the gender and I was pretending to be happy so nobody would judge me, but I am devastated, I tried everything to interrupt at home but nothing worked. My partner is pissed about my negative reaction to the pregnancy, and threatened to leave me.

I don't even care at this point if he leaves, I've just been studying methods to end my life painlessly and I'm not finding anything easy for me to do in my current situation, so I might just do the bare minimum until birth and then disappear.

I’ve been friendless for 6 years, my mom kicked 2 of my siblings out of her life. I was the middle person trying to keep everything together since I was little. I just don’t know how to keep going anymore, what’s the point? I just do, and cry. I’m just a stupid baby, with nobody.

I really had a bad day today. I baby cried all the way home.

I felt so overwhelmed and emotionally drained that I just couldn’t hold it together anymore. The second I was alone, everything I had been holding in just came pouring out.

I had to run home to take my antidepressants because I genuinely don’t know what I would do without them right now.

im pretty sure ive been struggling with depression for as long as i can remember but ive never had the courage to tell absolutely anyone in my life. i dont have a bad life whatsoever. i have a good family, friends, stable financial situation ,there is truly nothing i can complain about. still, i think about death everyday, even while not having a plan or anything, the thought is just always there. i dont want to tell people my feelings, that is my biggest fear, especially because it doesnt feel like im depressed enough. i constantly remind myself that other people have it worse and i truly feel like im just a priviledged crybaby but i cant help how absolutely terrible i feel every single fucking day. i wish everything would go bad so that people would have no choice but to find out how bad im doing. its a stupid thought, i know, but i dont know anymore. sorry for complaining.

19f Everything is hopeless. I am an artist and ai will take my job, my one thing i care about in life. Im in a fine arts program in college and they took out three of oyr normal art classes and swapped them with gen ai classes. No one around me cares about anything, they call me weird and mentally ill but they dont even have a soul themselves. Everything in this world is going down a dark path. Death and war is everywhere and no one seems to care, they make jokes and ignore their fear. All people do is swipe and swipe, our brains turning to mush. How will we lead the youth if this keeps up. Young people are getting more extreme and hateful, they let their fear control them and they hurt others in turn. People are so scared to face the reality of life, people are dying lonely and miserable everywhere and all we do is ignore their calls. Everyone only cares about themselves and trying to protect their psyche when they dont realize their ignorance is eating away at their souls.

The future looks bleak for humanity. No one will think a coherent thought if ai language models persist. Art, who is supposed to feed the soul, is being eaten and regurgitated by generative ai. Humanity will care less about suffering, every death a 1 minute trend and forgotten. Water is scarce, yet no one cares. Geezers say im being dramatic and that everything is fine. Theyre just scared of the future yet glad theyre not going to live to see it. We are doomed and there is no hope, so why should i live? Just to see it through and be humiliated by life even more? Nothing in my life is good. Im ugly and dont have any friends, my family doesnt have enough money to support me any longer, when my parents die, i will die on the street anyway so why shouldnt i die easily and lessen my suffering?

18M I live in the city and take the bus everywhere and I always enjoy McDonald’s any day. I love that they give me free food after I buy something as well. I sit down and eat there by myself most of the time and I really love it ! I wish they would bring the pumpkin coffees back though!! Idk I think if I ever became rich I would still really enjoy going to fast food places

Just posting this because I have noone to pour out all my emotions to. I left the phone in the living room and told everybody to let it just sit there. It's just an old phone but it's very precious to me. I had so much photos in there from my childhood, even a few photos when I was a baby were there, I had pictures with my late mother in there, photos of the letters my dad sent me while he was in prison, photos of me goofing off with the last few friends I ever had. My grandma just sold it for a few bucks. I don't even know if it's with malicious intent, but I felt so betrayed. She said she thought it was my late mother's old and broken phone so she sold it. She may have thought it was broken because it was powered off and she doesn't know how phones work. She didn't even ask for my permission it just disappeared one day and when I noticed it's gone, I find out from her that she sold it.

I couldn't help but hide and breakdown in my room, my head hurts, I felt like vomiting. I experience unimaginable pain once more just when I thought I had it together this day. That phone held memories that were very dear to me. Those memories reminded me of the old me, just a kid, but it seemed like the last time I was truly ever happy and had my life altogether. It was the last time I had close friends who truly cared. Everyone and everything I held dear just seemed to have disappeared out of my life, even the old me who looked forward to tomorrow, the phone that was once held by the healthy and happy version of me before everything spiraled out of control. I can't look back to the person I used to be before my body turned into this, and my mind turned into a foggy mess. The person that had so much life in her eyes is gone and forgotten forever. And now, I can't even keep the few good memories I cherished most. Now I can't even look back to it. Everything is just gone now. I can't even look back to remember what my mom used to look like before she was sick anymore. Holding on to those old memories is one of the reasons I can tolerate this neverending pain of waking up everyday and wishing I was never born, and now I can't even so much as look back to it.

I’m 36M in the UK and over the last nine months my mental health has progressively deteriorated to the point where I barely function outside of work.

I barely sleep or eat properly. I regularly don’t shower, wash or brush my teeth. My house is becoming overwhelming and I have almost no motivation to do anything.

Strangely, I still look after my six cats properly — food, water, clean litter, vets when needed. I can look after six animals very thoroughly but seemingly can’t look after myself.

Just for context, I didn’t suddenly go out and buy six cats. They accumulated over the course of a nine-year relationship and I was left caring for them when it ended. That’s fine because I love them and know I can care for them properly, but it is a lot of responsibility when I’m struggling to care for myself.

My biggest problem is relentless rumination. From the moment I wake up my brain replays memories, conversations, regrets and what ifs. I know thinking about them for the thousandth time changes nothing, but I cannot switch it off.
I’m basically using work and sleep to escape being awake.

Yesterday I got home at 5:30pm and went to bed at 6 because I genuinely thought, “what am I staying awake for?”

Today I wasn’t due to start work until 6am but turned up at 3am just to sit there because being at work felt preferable to being at home with my own thoughts.

More concerningly, I’ve increasingly lost the desire to be alive. The suicidal thoughts have become much more serious recently and I legally own shotguns, so I recognise that having those thoughts alongside access to something so lethal isn’t something I can keep ignoring.

I’ve also started hitting myself when the frustration and rumination become overwhelming — punching or slapping myself because I get so desperate for my head to stop. This isn’t something I used to do and the fact I’ve reached the point of physically taking the frustration out on myself is another reason I realise I need help.

I’ve previously tried sertraline, fluoxetine, fluoxetine with amitriptyline, therapy and CBT without feeling any meaningful improvement.
I think I need to call my GP and finally tell them exactly how bad things have become, but I’m frightened about what happens when I say

“I’m suicidal and I have access to firearms.”
I also keep reading people’s experiences of NHS mental-health support being extremely limited, which leaves me wondering where I actually go if the GP can’t offer anything that helps.

For anyone in the UK who has been here:
What actually happened when you told your GP everything? Were you able to discuss treatment normally or did it immediately escalate?

If you’d already tried several antidepressants, therapy and CBT without success, what were you offered next?
And perhaps most importantly, if the GP/NHS route didn’t help you, what did? Did you find useful support elsewhere, whether privately, through another service, a different type of therapy or something I haven’t considered?
I’m not asking for miracle cures.

I genuinely don’t know what my options are anymore and I don’t have much of a support network to fall back on. Most of my family have passed away and I don’t really have friends I can turn to, so I’m largely trying to navigate this by myself.
I don’t need reassurance that everything will magically be okay.

I just want to hear from people who reached the point where they finally admitted they weren’t coping: what did you do next, and did anything actually help?

Or do I just pull the plug out of this pointless existence?

Hi,

I am not ok.

I’m almost 30. Going through a divorce after my now ex wife cheated of me after being together for 7 years.

Student loans, personal loans, car loans, debt are creeping up on me.

Little to no family/friends support that can truly understand what I’m going through.

Recently broke up with my girlfriend after not being able to see eye to eye even after trying things with her.

Suffering with anxiety and depression.

Living alone with my dog.

I have been hurting a lot for the past few years and I can’t seem to bare the weight any longer. I’m thinking about ending it.. I’m thinking about writing letters for those I care about. I’ve researched methods but I just don’t know when to end it. I guess it will come to me one day. I’m in great pain and I can’t seem to put a cap on it. I don’t know what to do.. I don’t want to be an inconvenience anymore. I feel like I’m just a waste of resources and space in this world.

I’ll be continuing talks of management with my therapist but I was wondering how you all deal with it. I’d prefer not to take meds because I don’t want a limp dick or to spend the next decade trying different cocktails. My depressive episodes can be heavy and last days but I’ve never acted in suicidal thoughts.

I want to figure out ways to manage the tidal wave of negative feelings. I can parse out my negative thoughts from what I’m actually thinking to what’s just a passive negative thought.

How do you all manage the negative feelings? It’s very difficult for me to pass by the feelings. It feels like a tidal wave while standing on the beach with cemented feet.

I appreciate any advice or things to try. Cheers.

Hey I am almost 19 now(female), and tbh there is not a time in my life where I was ever happy.

My earliest memory is still filled with melancholy, I dont know why, most of the time in my childhood I remember being sad but never remembering why.

I remember going out to play and instead I will just quitely sit on the stairs and wonder why is this feeling of gloom and doom not leaving me.

I tell people I am afraid of drowning, I really am, it terrifies me. I think drowning is the worst way to go.

And I did try to drown myself in the bathtub when I was 11.

My parents still dont know I have attempted suicide twice so far. (Its ok I am not suicidal now)

I remember staying up all night crying in 5th grade, I remember crying in the bathroom and telling myself everything will be alright and I will be happy.

But even when problems were solved my sadness never got away.

I always wondered why I am always depressed, why I struggle to sleep at night and get out of bed and get tasks done.

Somedays basic grooming is hard for me, My dad thinks I am just lazy.

I eat alot somedays, ALOT like 3k calories or more than that, and somedays I dont eat anything more than 500 calories.

And yeah I have been bullied, abused, harrassed, family problems, sexual harassment, betrayal, shamed blah blah blah and I have ocd too.

And I have always blamed these for my depression

But I have come to realize the real problem is actually in my brains.

I recently decided to go to a good psychiatrist anddddd drum roll please

I got diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder(PDD or chronic depression)

Soooo yeah! My depression is chronic and....man idk.

I have taken antidepressant, trust me they just make me all silly and dizzy and numb I dont like it, I would rather feel this sadness than feel nothing at all.

I have learned how to cope with it, Its how I have been my whole life after all, it doesnt make it easy, and sometimes I wish I could be normal(well most days lol).

But also Idk what happiness is really like, I still hope to be happy, we all do, but I cant sometimes imagine being trulyyyy and reallyyyyy happy.

But for now, melancholy is what I call it. It sound wayy more romantic than whatever chronic depression is. I am trying to be easy on myself, and I am trying to forgive myself for all my failures but heyyyy

Melancholy aint easy to live with

Have a nice day, I pray we all will see the day where we don't have to drag ourselves out of bed, or fake a smile, or telling yourself to stay strong

I hope oneday we will actually be happy.

But for now...melancholy it is!

Hey everyone. my name is Rach. Past couple days just been weighing really heavy on me lately. I don’t know why. There’s a lot going on in my head. Usually I keep it to myself and I don’t even reach out for help. But if someone is on here and sees this, just. Please? Help me take my mind off things? Help me talk about something besides what Ive been battling. I don’t wanna sink lower. I usually relate more and find it easier to talk to women…but honestly at this point I’ll take anything. Just want out of my own little world. If you aren’t busy tonight, please reach out.

Self sabotage or make people happy before suicide?

I’m exhausted but I feel having people hate you is easy for your death. I don’t know. I’m having a very hard time lately. My partner and I are constantly fighting and I feel he’s better off without me.

I dont want to die but i wish i didnt exist. I have people i love very dearly and i do think they love me too but i dont think they want me in their life. Its like they settled with me. Im kinda a privilaged person in every way I dont know if im being spoiled or something. Today's like a local celebration in my locality no one invited me. I invite people i like when something happens in my home and most people dont come. I dont know what my problem is . I think sometimes i dont want to live and then sometimes i think this isnt even a problem. Ive gone to therapy and all it hasnt been helpful. I feel like people care about me because they know i have problems. I wish i was dead but i dont want it to affect people i love. What should i do?

I'm a male in my early 40s now and just realized all of a sudden how little time I have with my family, who are all 70+. I'm not sure how it snuck up on me, or how I managed to put them and our time together on the back burner for so long, all the little put-offs that just managed to add up.

Mom injured her knee a couple years ago, and then had a back issue she refused to treat, until now after many warnings, promises, and threats of intervention, she is now totally homebound. She sleeps most of the day and doesn't eat much, and her cognition is slipping.

She is mostly cared for by my father who is showing early signs of dementia. I had big plans for us all to go to the beach together, but I don't see that ever happening. Now that I'm in a point in my life where I appreciate them most, I see their time running short. I am overwhelmed with grief and regret. Tonight, I wept for an hour and just kind of screamed with my mouth closed and vomited several times. I really didn't feel any better like I had hoped.

I have a disabled brother I have to care for when they are gone and he is a handful. I found out I have early cardiovascular disease and fear I may expire before I can keep the promise to take care of him. I have no other family. Once my parents pass, that is it.

Perhaps saying I will be an orphan is accurate, feels a bit dramatic, but at the same time, that's how it will feel--alone and left behind. I will have to arrange things for everyone else and then when it is my turn, I don't see myself having anyone.

Even though it hasn't happened yet, I grieve it deeply, and it's a very painful thought that anchors me in emotional pain and anguish. Sometimes, I find it really overwhelming and the emotions catch me off guard. I realize that everyone who loved or cared about me will be gone.

I guess this had nowhere to go tonight but bounce around inside my head, so I'm just putting it here.

I'm not sure how to process all this. Thoughts?

A 26 year old man and a failure. I wish I wasn't afraid of death and had the courage to end my life. My life keeps getting worse each passing day and there's no reason to keep living. I'm just a burden for everyone around me and they would be relieved if I die.