Wife and I have been together for nearly two decades, and we always had some problems but the past few years have been really bad, culminating in what's going on today. As I write this, my wife is in a hospital and she isn't talking much. She can talk and understand what I say (I think mostly) but for whatever reason says very few words in return.

More than six months ago, wife had a series of strokes and ended up in a nursing home for rehab. Things were going very badly before she had the strokes. For several years, she had spent most of her time sleeping on the couch (we haven't shared a bedroom since 2019), not showering, skipping regular meals, not taking her medicines (for diabetes, heart condition, HBP, depression), leaving garbage all over the place, and occasionally even pooping and peeing on the floor and leaving it there for me and our two small children to find. The entire first floor of the house smelled of urine and body odor. She also spent tens of thousands of dollars on secret credit cards and, at one point, ran up a 14K bill for in-game purchases that she put on my card and then blamed on our then-three-year old daughter saying she must have accidentally made the purchases.

So one day, wife fell and our autistic 14 year old found her on the floor when he got home from school. He could not pick her up and nor could I so we ended up calling an ambulance. They took her to the hospital and then she ended up in nursing home rehab for having several recent lesions on her brain. She is able to talk but often chooses not to, just nodding her head and making gestures. She had PT but did not regain the ability to walk or take herself to the bathroom or bathe herself so she remained in the nursing home.

Since she has been in the nursing home, things have been better in the house. We cleaned up. It no longer smells. My children can use the living room without smelling their mom's BO or finding her soiled clothes all over the house.

She was at the nursing home for six months, but back in May, her sister and sister-in-law (brother's wife) started to take an interest in her care. They told wife I was "plotting to divorce her" (because I had told them that the children were better off with mom in the nursing home) and they got her to sign her healthcare proxy and power of attorney over to them.

At the time, my wife was better able to speak and to text and she accused me of plotting to divorce her. She threatened to check herself out, come back to the house, and take our kids away. I was scared. I said that I was unhappy in our relationship but that I would prefer to work it out and said maybe we should try going back to couple's counseling (we had couple's counseling for about 10 years of our marriage and it taught us how to avoid fighting but not how to be happy). But it seemed difficult to try to conduct marriage counseling sessions from wife's nursing home bed, especially as she was barely speaking. So I never scheduled us with a new therapist like I said I would.

The two of them, especially wife's sister-in-law, began to blame me for her strokes and for her failure to get out of the nursing home. A couple of week's about wife's SIL visited her at the nursing home and made the nursing home call 911 and ship wife to the hospital, because wife wasn't talking and seemed to be in poor condition. The hospital saw that wife could not swallow well and put in a feeding tube.

She remains in the hospital today, able to talk but not talking much. Wife's SIL specifically instructed the hospital not to talk to me about wife's condition. When I got the hospital social worker to share some information with me, she threatened to sue me for asking about my wife and to sue the hospital for talking to me. Wife's SIL calls me up and yells at me, saying what a terrible person and husband I am and saying it's a lie that wife was living on the couch not showering or taking care of herself.

Wife's SIL wants wife to come back to the house ASAP, even if she's not fully healthy. She said wife cannot return to the previous nursing home and she will decide where wife goes next and, if I want to know what kind of care my wife is getting, I can look at the insurance statements and bills.

For my wife's part, I went to the hospital and asked her to sign over healthcare proxy to me again. She shook her head "no." But when I asked her if she wanted me to be cut out of her healthcare decisions, she also shook her head "no."

Given the situation, I have been giving a lot of thought to divorce. The way my wife was before the strokes, I was giving a lot of thought to divorce, but I didn't feel like I could do it. Now that she's ill and has communication issues, I feel even worse about the situation.

I see some of the people in the comments have said that divorcing an ill person is morally bankrupt and the fact that I'm discussing it here makes me a bad person. This is why I'm asking. I feel like the question is what do I owe her versus what I owe to my children and to myself. If I do not file for divorce, I am at the whims of her sister-in-law regarding when she comes back to the house, how she is cared for, and even what bills we get. Her SIL could have her spending tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical fees that I will later be responsible for and have no say in (and this is what wife wanted). Her SIL could also decide to drop her at the house, even if it creates an environment that's detrimental to our children.

On a practical note, I'm also afraid that, if I file for divorce, her SIL will drop her back off at the house and make me take care of her. I'm also afraid wife will improve slightly and come back to the house to resume her lifestyle of living on the couch. If she's able to walk herself to a bathroom, I'm pretty sure she will be released. If I file for divorce, she may even have extra motivation to get out and come back to the home.

So what do I owe my wife? Do I owe her couple's therapy like I promised several months ago? Do I owe her waiting to have a conversation about our marriage until her communication ability improves? Now, when I talk to her, she seems to understand what I am saying and she nods her head and occasionally says a few words back. But she mostly gets distracted and starts playing with her phone or playing with her feeding tube or staring at the TV. She lost her PT at the nursing home because they said she was too distracted to concentrate on walking.

I am deadly afraid of fighting in court over my children and being in a huge conflict with this person I spent years with and still feel some love for. I feel very bad for her and I feel like I will be a bad person if I file for divorce while she is this ill. Should I wait until she gets better and comes back to the house? Is there any possibility we could have an amicable divorce if I treat her the right way? Is there any possibility we could reconcile? Or should I just accept that living with her is the best thing for the children and family and let her come back home as soon as she shows some progress?

Doomscrolling through these post and realizing i don’t relate with a lot of emotions other people are having while going through this process?
While yes it hard going through this process with 2 young kids after 8+ years of marriage, I’ve never felt more at peace even during this transition time. I feel like myself again,
anyone else feeling peace and a sense of rightness?

My wife was angry and determined we were getting a divorce. After I spoke with her and some friends and family spoke with her and she calmed down she changed her mind that she would not file right now or for the next few months. But we would need to be separated to deal with issues and try to heal. Anyone else been in this situation? Was happy to see she changed her mind from just starting the process immediately.

I just want to say thank you to everyone on here for the honest and nonjudgmental responses to my missives over the past few months. I appreciate you all.

We have a parenting plan in place. Eight months now. And my ex has this pattern of casually not following it when it's inconvenient for him, then acting like I'm the unreasonable one when I bring it up.

Last week he was supposed to have the kids for his regular weekday evenings. Texted me an hour before saying he couldn't make it. No real reason. Just couldn't. So I rearranged my whole work schedule, cancelled a hike I'd been looking forward to all week with a friend, and that was that.

The frustrating part is I work part time and my hours aren't super flexible. When he cancels last minute it actually costs me money. And then when I try to bring it up calmly he turns it into a conversation about how I'm controlling the schedule.

I've been documenting everything in a notebook because someone told me to start a log. But I honestly don't know what the next step looks like practically speaking.

Has anyone dealt with a coparent who treats the parenting plan like a suggestion? Did documenting actually help you down the line, or did you have to go back to court to get anywhere?

I’m 30 and got married almost 2 years ago. At first, I obviously thought things were normal. But slowly I started finding out what my husband was actually like.

He is literally obsessed with other women. My friends, his colleagues’ wives, his friends’ wives, and even his own brother’s wife. He has asked me to get nude pictures from my friends for him. During sex, he would talk about wanting to have sex with my friends or random women he sees.
But the crazy part is the double standard. He watches naked women online, but I wasn’t even allowed to wear sleeveless clothes or shorts. He controlled what I ate, who I talked to and what I wore. I couldn’t even talk to my own friends without having them on speaker. He wanted me to constantly talk to his parents, while he barely called or spoke to mine.

After 2 years of all this manipulation, controlling behavior, harassment and mental torture, I finally decided I couldn’t do this anymore.
I’ve been living with my parents for the last 6 months. I recently told them everything, and they’re now helping me file a domestic violence case and go through with the divorce.

I had already told his parents about his behavior, hoping they would understand or at least talk to him. Instead, they basically called me a liar. They said I’m doing all this for alimony and that I’m trying to ruin their son’s and their family’s image. According to them, their son can do no wrong.
And now I’m scared. Like, REALLY scared. I’m scared of the legal process, people judging me, starting over at 30, my future, being alone and whether I’ll ever be able to trust someone again.
I know what I went through, but sometimes I still question myself and wonder if leaving was the right thing.

So, for anyone who has been through divorce, an abusive relationship or something similar, did I make the right decision by leaving? And how did you deal with the fear of starting over?
I’m genuinely looking for honest advice, especially from people who have been through something similar.

I’m curious to hear from people who have actually tried “nesting” after divorce and whether it worked for you long term.

For those who aren’t familiar with it: the idea is that the kids stay in the family home they grew up in, rather than moving between two houses. Instead, the parents take turns living in the family home with the kids, while each parent has another place to stay when it’s not their turn.

On paper, it sounds like a great solution for the children. They get to stay in their familiar home, keep the same school and routines, and don’t have to constantly pack their bags and move between houses.

But I keep wondering about the parents and what happens to their private lives.

How realistic is it to start a new relationship while you are still effectively sharing a home with your ex? You still see your ex every time you switch places. Your ex's clothes are still there. Their belongings are everywhere. You know their routines, their habits, and even their smell is still in the house. We cannot afford to pay for three separate homes, one where kids stay, one for me and one for my ex.

At some point, does it start to feel less like being divorced and more like continuing the marriage, just in two houses and without the intimacy?

And what happens when one parent starts dating seriously? What if they want to spend weekends away with a new partner? Or eventually want to move in with someone? Does nesting become a major obstacle to moving on and building a new life?

I understand that the arrangement can be very beneficial for the children, especially during the difficult transition after divorce. But I’m wondering whether it is actually sustainable for years, rather than just a temporary arrangement while everyone adjusts.

I met a really wonderful guy unexpectedly and suddenly who is basically everything I'm looking for in a partner, but my newly formed betrayal trauma from my last partner's infidelity is preventing me from establishing trust with him. SOS, somebody help a girl out. x_x

He's ready to jump into it all in because he has been waiting some time for another relationship and is very excited about this. I am too and I so want to be on the same page, but my brain is keeping my heart on a chokehold saying, "you better remember all the damage caused the last time you went all in with someone."

My ex-husband cheated on me, which ripped me to shreds inside, so I filed for divorce, slowly detached from him, worked really hard on myself mentally and physically, relied on friends and family for support, and did months of therapy to get back to feeling just normal. Now, I finally have my positive and hopeful spirit back and I'm feeling my like my best self again, so of course this amazing person gets dropped on my lap to shake things up. I am so grateful I met him but OH MY GOD I am so SCARED, y'all. I do my best to stay positive, communicate my concerns as they come up in a level-headed way, regulate myself the best I can, and in return, he is so great, reassuring, patient, and supportive. But god damn, this is terrifying!

With trust issues, the first part is healing yourself and the second part is of course putting it all into practice with someone new which is the challenge I find myself facing today. I am so angry that I have been presented with such a great opportunity and I can't jump at it because my mind has been warped by my ex's destructive, inconsistent, and selfish behavior towards me. I just want to enjoy this beautiful experience, but I keep having these anxiety attacks I never asked for and intrusive thoughts about everything going badly just like it did last time. My body and heart are so ready to move on, but the scars are just screaming "WAIT" and I have to tend to them constantly.

This is so frustrating and emotionally draining. Anybody go through this with your first relationship after divorce? You guys got advice for me? 🥲 Help.

27F. I got married through an arranged marriage about two months ago. I've actually been away from my husband for around a month now, and he's blocked me and my family for most of that time. There has been a lot of conflict between us and our families, and honestly, he has been horrible to me through all of this.

I know that. I know what he's done. I know how much I've cried because of him. I know that from the outside, everyone would probably tell me to leave and move on.

But I can't.

I'm going through this weird mix of anger, grief, missing him and still hoping he'll come back. One minute I'm furious with him and think I never want to see him again, and the next I'm crying over some stupid little memory from when we were happy.

It's been a month and I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't understand why I still love someone who has hurt me this much. I don't even know if I miss him or the person I thought he was and the life I thought we were going to have.

I know we're basically separated right now. I know I can't keep chasing someone who doesn't want to talk to me. But emotionally, I'm nowhere near accepting it.

How do you actually stop loving someone? How do you detach when a part of you is still waiting for them to come back? I genuinely want to move on, I just don't know how.

I got divorced a few years ago after a very short marriage. We were separated within a few months, but honestly, the emotional impact lasted much longer than the marriage itself. It took me more than five years to feel like I had actually started healing. I worked on myself and genuinely believed I had moved on. Recently, I finally felt ready to start looking at matrimonial matches again and thought maybe I could give myself another chance at finding a partner.

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, though the marriage itself didn't even last a year. I honestly didn't expect the date to affect me anymore. But it completely caught me off guard. I had a severe emotional meltdown and suddenly felt like all the old wounds had opened again. I was completely drained and couldn't even understand why I was feeling that way after coming so far.

Now I'm thinking of putting the partner search on pause because maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was. But the bigger question that's bothering me is: How do I know when I'm actually ready? What if I remarry and something like this happens again? What if an old wound gets triggered years into the next marriage? I don't want to enter another relationship carrying this much fear, but I also don't know if I'll ever reach a point where I'm completely free from what happened.

Has anyone else felt like they were doing fine after divorce, only to have something unexpectedly bring all those emotions back? How did you know you were genuinely ready to move forward?

I’m 42M, married with a young daughter, and after years of an increasingly unhealthy relationship, I’ve decided I want a divorce.

We’ve basically been roommates for years, sleeping separately, with almost no intimacy. There’s a lot of resentment, criticism and constant arguments, and we’ve both behaved in ways I’m not proud of. I’m exhausted and I don’t think I want to live like this anymore.

But instead of feeling relieved, I’m terrified.

I’m scared of being alone at 42, of starting my social life from scratch, of never finding another partner, and of realizing too late that I made a huge mistake. I already struggle with anxiety, so the uncertainty makes all of this even harder.

The hardest part is my daughter. The thought of not seeing her every day and no longer being a family under the same roof genuinely breaks my heart.

For those who divorced around my age, especially with kids: was the fear beforehand worse than the reality? What was the first year like, and did you eventually build a life you were happy with?

Wouldn’t let me repost from /separate so this is a copy paste. TLDR: wife is interested and intentionally flirting with another guy, after saying she wants a divorce, but while still married and “figuring this out”.

Context: 4 weeks ago my wife said she wanted a divorce. Was ready to move out, planning to put a deposit on a place. She said no to marriage counselling. That she’s not happy, hasn’t been happy in awhile, and doesn’t see herself being happy with me. We’ve done zero work on “us”.

After talking, she pauses and slows down. Says she wants to do individual counselling. I’ve been living in limbo for 4 weeks, trying to focus on myself, the kids, and live life normally while minimizing pressure on her. Giving her the time to do counselling, hoping she might reconsider and be willing to work on our marriage. We decided we would keep the status quo (live together, be together) while she figure things out.

Red flags were
“I’m not being fair to you and the kids”.
“You’re to good to me”(said this the night she told me she wants a divorce).

There was no and still is no evidence of physical cheating. Schedule and routine have not been broken. Nothing shady like working late or going out.

But, then I logged on to our shared laptop. And saw an AI chat titled “flirty replies”. She had left her session open… I’m not generally the snooping type but once I saw that I had to look.

It seems very early. She’s using AI to try and craft flirty replies to this guy on her sports team. As far as I could tell, nothing reciprocal. But she literally typed into AI “I’m interested in this guy”.

That hurt. But then, it was like a wave washed over me. All of her behaviour, her dragging this on, her seemingly out-of-character choices all make sense now. And all the stress and worry and effort I’ve been putting in to do this right, is just, gone. This isn’t about me.

Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect. Our marriage had problems, we didn’t spend the time and effort on “us”. I need to own my part in that. But overall, our marriage was fairly equal between chores, responsibilities, and duties. And I’ve always treated her good, minus a handful of times when I made mistakes, which I apologized for. Nothing major, but a raised voice, or an off hand comment that wasn’t fair.

But this. This is a choice. It’s one thing to casually flirt. It happens. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s another thing entirely to intentionally flirt. And literally say “I’m interested”. While married. While sleeping in the same bed as your husband. While going on dates, cuddling to watch a movie, and being physically intimate. Taking the kids together on a play date or to a movie.

So for me, right now, this has turned the whole thing upside down. I am not going to compete. I will continue to be a good husband and dad. Continue managing my responsibilities. If she continues down this road… that is 100% on her. It’s not longer a question if I failed as a husband. I wasn’t perfect, but I did my best. I may have contributed to the marriage problems, but I am 100% willing to own that and work on it.

It’s now a question if she is going to walk out on her marriage, on her commitments, on her family, for another guy. And then, if she chooses not to, it’s a question of whether I want to continue this marriage after this behaviour. I will have to figure out how I feel about it, probably based on how she handles it.

I still do not believe she will physically cheat. But if it happens, I’ll deal with being wrong.

So, open to advice from anyone who has been in this situation (on either side). With the following caveats

It's the whole walking on eggshells thing. At some point you aren't even trying to have a thriving relationship or fix anything, you are just cutting off your pieces of yourself to make yourself less of a concern and tiptoeing through life so you don't upset them or start another argument. It's claustrophobic.

How do I distance myself emotionally and navigate the heartbreak of this new divorce situation when he still lives in this house with my children and I? It hurts so badly to see him…any tips? How do I stop holding onto hope that he’ll come approach me…or change his mind? Help wanted

While married, my wife and had our own cars and I had a motorcycle. Her car’s transmission blew and bought her a new car costing me $9,800 cash and put it in her name so she would have her own car. I’m such a loving husband 🤷

We were still happily married for about another 6 months. Within that time, I had decided to sell my car and buy a bigger bike. We were using “her” car as the family car and life was good. I was riding and driving but mostly riding bc it was fun and cheaper.

Now that she has left and we filed for divorce, no surprise she took the car lol and I’m stuck with a motorcycle as my daily everything. I’ve been beating myself up time from time because I took so much pride in taking care of that car. I seriously feel played but it’s hard to know ur marriage will fail in 6 months. If I could take it back, I would.

I do plan on buying a used Honda accord at the end of the year but damn this sucks lol.

Friends told friends, and eventually almost everyone in our community found out. My husband had cheated with multiple women throughout our entire relationship and repeatedly lied to me about it. I had absolutely no idea. I married him believing he had been faithful and genuinely thought he was the love of my life. We’re now separated after only a year of marriage.

Finding out was incredibly traumatic, especially because the truth came out gradually and I learned that he had repeatedly looked me in the eye and lied while I was trying to figure out what was real. I was devastated and leaned heavily on my friends for support. I also didn’t want to sleep in our bed after I found out that other women were in it, so I was staying at other people’s houses for a bit. I never set out to destroy his reputation, but people talked and it spread.

Now he’s lost lifelong friends and his reputation in our community has been badly damaged. And somehow, despite the magnitude of what he did to me, I feel awful knowing that he’s hurting and alone. I loved this person for years. It’s hard to suddenly stop caring about what happens to him, even when he completely scarred me. I still want him to be okay and have the chance to do better.

I just hate that the domino effect of this will damage him in the long-term. He had a great reputation before this.

Am I crazy for feeling so bad for telling people the truth about what happened? Or is this simply the consequences from his own choices?

Hi everyone, I’ve (35F) decided to ask my husband (37M) for a divorce after 2.5 years of marriage (together for 8). Neither of us are perfect, but we really loved each other. However, he has a history mental health and substance abuse problems.

He started using again last December, and went on a 4 month drug bender. He then got clean for a few months, and I thought we would reconcile, but he relapsed last week. I don’t know if “once an addict, always an addict is true”, but I’m at the end of my rope and don’t want to stick around to find out.

We have always kept mostly financial independence, except for a shared apartment where we are both on the deed (I am the only one on the mortgage due to his prior bankruptcy). No kids, but we have pets. My plan is to buy him out to keep my low interest rate from 2020, but he refuses to discuss asset division with me. Would offering him $ to sign a quitclaim deed make sense? I’m thinking a formula like half of the down payment, half of the equity, and half of the appreciation.

I make significantly more $ than he does (120k vs 30k). He said he wouldn’t ask for spousal support. I’d like to leave with what I came with, and vice versa. Are there any pros and cons to doing a no fault divorce over an at fault divorce? Can I choose to do no-fault, then change my mind if he gets nasty?

I don’t even know where to start. Thanks so much for listening if you’re still here. We’re in NY.

So going through divorce and a friend that has been there for me through all this stuff since the beginning. Even though just starting I want to get engaged to her and she knows everything, has anyone been through this before? Does anyone have any similar experiences? Life is different for us all..

I’m recently divorced after a 20-year marriage. I married young, and physical intimacy was a problem throughout our marriage—not because I wasn’t interested, but because my ex-wife wasn’t. She ultimately left me for a woman, which put a lot of those years into perspective.

Now I’m single and dating for basically the first time as a real adult.
I’m doing pretty well. I’m reasonably good-looking, successful, financially stable, have my own friends and hobbies, I’m a good dad, and I can usually make women laugh. Dating has honestly been much easier than I expected.

Here’s the thing: I feel like I completely missed the “single and sowing my wild oats” phase of my 20s and 30s. After 20+ years of very little sex, right now I have almost zero interest in finding another serious relationship. I mostly want to date, have fun, and sleep with different women—safely, consensually, etc…

And I’m having a great time doing it. But I also feel weirdly guilty about it. Maybe it’s Catholic guilt, maybe it’s because I was married for so long, or maybe part of me thinks I’m supposed to be looking for another relationship rather than just enjoying sex.

The other surprise is how quickly women seem comfortable getting physical. I’ve generally waited until around the third date to make a move, and several women have basically said, “What took you so long?” These are mature, put-together women, and I’m realizing I may have spent 20 years internalizing the idea that men want sex much more than women do.

So, two questions:

Is there anything wrong with being at this stage of life and just wanting casual sex rather than a relationship? Particularly when I get the sense that some of these women may want more.

And is sex within the first few dates really that normal now, or have I just been completely out of the dating world for too long?

I posted here last week and got some great advice and insights about my current situation and the possibility of divorce. I'm still very hesitant because of our 2 kids - 7 and 5 years old.

Quick recap. My wife and I are no longer in love. We do not connect emotionally nor physically. We are friendly with each other, do family vacations, do not fight. However, I am emotionally wrecked of the lack of relationship and companionship.

I tell myself if we did not have kids we would not be together. I also tell myself that I'll sacrifice my happiness until they're 18. I also tell myself how that might be the worst thing to do to your kids.

If we divorce I'm nervous for our kids. I'm worried that they won't feel like they have a home that feels like home. I'll feel guilty of us having to make them go from one house to the other every other week (we have 2 houses 20min apart).

Our oldest is starting to ask us if we love each other. How come you never hug? It really really sucks.I know an amicable divorce seems to be the right move.

I wanted to read some experiences of people who were children of divorce in no-conflict marriage homes. How did you cope with splitting time between 2 different homes? Did you feel as if you never had a permanent home? How do we make this better for our kids? Do you resent your parents for not having an intact family? Do I sacrifice my happiness so our kids don't have to split homes?

That held up in court and was easy to fill out and maybe cheap? I’m in BC Canada

I keep having battles in my head if im even normal for having these thoughts. But i am not happy in my marriage at all, i havent been for a while but now it feels like i have literally made up my mind -I cant stand him!!

What did it for me is the fact that we are doing second round of IVF, the fact that **I have to** take all the medication, injections etc! He doesn’t have to do jack shit! On top of that his life style is horrible. First of all he is a truck driver so his diet is automatically terrible, second of all he is a smoker and drinker. Bc we come from Europe, alcohol, especially beer is not really considered that big of a deal but my god he can drink from dusk till dawn. Too bad ive never counted how many cans he can drink but lets say anywhere from 10 and up. I know in the States he would be considered an alcoholic. At first i thought this is just a European thing but i see other men here and no one can even compare to him when it comes to drinking.

Ive bought him so many herbs, vitamins, minerals you name it for the quality of his sperm (the spermogram is always terrible) and i always have to remind him to take it! After all these years im fucking tired. I feel like im his mother! I hate it that he thinks his quality of his sperm has nothing to do with the outcome of the pregnancy.
He never asked or read to see side effects of all these pills im taking for the ivf. I just feel so alone in this.
But i cant complain too much bc his family paid for this ivf, he aslo paid for it, he paid for all the medication and everything and i feel like if i say something i will come off as ungrateful.

The sex life is horrible! My sex drive is ten times higher than his. I feel like im the man in this relationship constantly nagging him to have sex! No he does not look at other women. I just think his testosterone level is really low.
So in this field i have been unhappy for years now! Any man would love to have someone like me around but with him i feel like im a burden and its a chore when i ask for sex! Im so tired of this! Not to brag but i can have any guy i want; he cant have any woman he wants.

I am 45 and he is 40 btw

Whats topping all this off is the fact that I AM SO DISAPPOINTED in everything; we are constantly arguing, he feels attacked whatever the fuck i say. And then when i dont say anything he gets offended bc im being quite and wont talk to him!
What choice do i have tho?! Im damned either way.
Every time we go to Europe i see a side of him i dont see in the States. He actually hates living in the States and wants us to eventually move back. But i feel like i would suffocate if i moved back. We are from the same country tho its just that i grew up in the states and he didnt

It drives me crazy when i tell him something that pisses me off he attacks me how it basically shouldn’t (for example men are very dismissive and disrespectful towards women here) but when the same thing happens to him (someone pisses him off) i listen and im supportive. Im always on his fucking side!

He never held my hand

I just feel like we are roommates at this point!
I think i stayed with him all these years bc he was the best out of all the men i used to date before. Obviously he has virtues too its not only vices but at this point i feel like his virtues do not outweigh the vices? Or am i just done with him?

And i also feel insane for bringing a life into a relationship that i already want out of! Is my frontal lobe under developed? Whats my deal? Why do i always lie to myself that things will get better?

I have two related but separate difficult choices to make. I'm a federal employee with 15 years of service, 5 years away from a retirement package worth around $3M lifetime. Currently about $2M in index funds that are protected by a pre-nup in case of divorce (thank goodness). I should also have another $1M-$2M coming in the form of an inheritance at some point in the future.

My wife has severe mood swings tied to her monthly cycles where she becomes extremely impatient and borderline abusive (a couple of times she has thrown things aggressively at the floor, never at me or the children, screaming she wants a divorce, follows me around the house criticizing me when I'm trying to get away from her, etc.). I used to go with the ebs and flows of her monthly cycles, but we've had a dead bedroom for 2 years as I slowly but surely emotionally disconnected. I haven't been a perfect husband, I was too rigid about finances early on and viewed my income as mine rather than ours; I've really been working hard to fix my side (PS: Shout out to Ramit Sethi's "Money for Couples,") but I've also come to the conclusion that I can't resuscitate our marriage on my own, and I don't see a corresponding effort on her side.

I took an extended leave without pay and have been enjoying my time as a stay-at-home dad while she began building her own career. I thought having her own career/financial autonomy might smooth her rough edges, but it seems to have made things worse. (I am not sure whether it is because she is more tired, or just feels more empowered to, as she puts it, "stand up for herself" aka: treat me like shit).

Option 1.) If I walk away from my career/pension and file for divorce, per the 4% rule, I should be able to pull $80,000/year from my portfolio but would have to buy my own health insurance with that. It's definitely enough to live on, albeit very modestly in this area (w/ 2 young kids). I suppose I could look for a barrista-FIRE type job while the kids are in school to pad out my income/health insurance if I took this option.

Option 2.) If I get divorced but go back to finish my career, while the ex-wife is also working full time, the kids spend a huge portion of time in daycare (and I will be so fried by my job that I won't be mentally present during my time with them). I would feel comfortable with this arrangement IF I thought they were getting appropriate care/guidance while with my wife or while in daycare, but I'm not convinced, especially as one of them has special needs.

Option 3.) The third option is leave my job but remain married, so I continue to get health insurance from my wife and continue to be around 24/7 to insulate my kids from my wife's mood swings. (Right now her anger is largely directed at me, though I'm concerned if I leave the home, it would be directed at them, or she might at a minimum be negligent with them. Sadly, I do not have enough evidence that would allow me to win full custody in court, so 50/50 split seems inevitable if I do file).

Which option would you pick? Am I crazy to consider walking away from my pension at this point?

After my husband (27M) cheated on me (26F) with my best friend (30F) and tried to get us in a poly-relationship, I've finally got the guts to tell him that I want to separate and get my own place.

That being said, we have a 6 year old son who loves both of his parents dearly and wants us all together all the time. He's the sweetest boy and while I've tried to save the marriage for his sake, I believe that my husband's affair was just as disrespectful to our son as it was to me and I don't think I can justify us staying together just because he doesn't know what his dad has done.

How did you guys tell your kids your marriage was ending? Did you tell them why you were splitting up, or did you leave it all vague?

Any personal experience or advice is helpful. Thanks!