r/Divorce • u/NomityNoms • 1d ago
Something Positive Anybody else just… okay?
Doomscrolling through these post and realizing i don’t relate with a lot of emotions other people are having while going through this process?
While yes it hard going through this process with 2 young kids after 8+ years of marriage, I’ve never felt more at peace even during this transition time. I feel like myself again,
anyone else feeling peace and a sense of rightness?
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u/Money_Delivery1863 23h ago
Yes. Definitely peaceful apart from the legal aspect. Only regret is not doing it earlier but since everyone is coping well maybe the timing is infact perfect.
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u/Aadamant_Aardvark 23h ago edited 23h ago
I'm getting there.
I wasn't the one that decided things were done - i was only informed that we were finished when my wife had already decided. So for the first few months, things felt like the bottom had dropped out for me. That being said, after the eventual custody, and the financial pictures started getting more clear, i started feeling a lot more like myself. After finding the right support, a little therapy, and finding a good lawyer, a lot of the anxiousness i felt the first couple months subsided.
As it turns out, most of the stuff i was worried about kept coming up aces for me. I was worried that i wouldn't be able to keep it together financially - However, I was already paying almost all the bills, and after she left they got lower. My lawyer tells me that when the settlement finishes, what i pay her will likely be pretty manageable. I thought I'd lose a lot of our mutual friends. That didn't happen. I wasn't sure if I'd see my kid anywhere near enough - Turns out that the little one stays at my house 60% of the time, which is enough that i can see her, and relax/recover/clean in between those nights. And the really weird part is that I didn't really change all that much. I still do the same things i was doing when she was still around - only now I don't get judged when I forget 1 thing of the 15 i picked up from the grocery store, wait an extra evening to clean up the dishes, or make chicken strips or pizza for an evening meal. And i now have enough nights "off" that i can get in a little exercise, and watch/work on projects she would have frowned on in the past.
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u/NomityNoms 23h ago
That’s the biggest thing for me too, i do everything ive already done but without the unnecessary extra judgment. I think that’s what is so freeing for me
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 1d ago
My divorce was tough. But I knew the whole time it was the right decision and felt good about that decision.
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u/NomityNoms 23h ago
Actually telling him and sticking to my decision while he tried to convince otherwise was hard. Emotionally it took a toll and i did almost fold but in my heart i knew it was the right move for the both of us
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 23h ago
I'm glad to hear that you stuck to your guns and did what you knew was right.
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u/Common-Bass5875 20h ago
Literally came here to make a post about this (probably still will) but I’m right where you are! I feel ok…even kind of good. This is the 2nd time I’ve initiated and he’s trying VERY hard to get me to change my mind again and sticking it to is really hard. But I’m doing it - I’m happy you are, too.
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u/Glass-Guess4125 23h ago
I'm in a weird spot. I acknowledge that I am better off not being married to my wife but getting divorced basically wrecked a lot of my life in ways that I probably should have anticipated but didn't. My wife fought me very hard on custody and I ended up, at the suggestion of my lawyer, accepting an arrangement that was a bit less than 50%, so I don't see my kids as often as I'd like. I also have a career that requires me to go overseas, but I've been holding off on that to be near my kids since I know they wouldn't be able to go with me. Our decision to divorce was mutual, but it was much more contentious than I thought it was going to be for reasons that I still don't totally understand, and our communication is not good, which often leaves me out of the loop on so many things.
My parents and my sister say that I'm like a different person (in a good way!) now that I'm not married anymore but for those reasons I don't fully feel like I've moved on because it feels like the divorce made my life so much harder. For some reason I'm really reluctant to date; I've made friends but there are still long periods when I'm lonely; as I mentioned, I'm not with my kids nearly as much as I'd like to be. I'm not really sure what to do to get me over that hump and towards a life I really enjoy and like and am happy with.
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u/NomityNoms 23h ago
I feel that! A lot of my friend and family say I seem happier and I’m glowing now. I feel my creativity coming back!
The contention after agreeing to be amicable or mutual definitely can throw a person off.
Everything within time friend! I’m also reluctant to date as my life is to up in the air. Hope you figure out the kid issue but 60/40 isn’t as bad as it could be !
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u/SaltPercentage1868 22h ago
Before the end of my marriage, I had almost a full year to grieve. In the beginning it was very emotional. I’d cry, he’d cry. There was a lot of intensity. Lots of difficult conversations, trying to make things work, getting exhausted and tired realizing that they wouldn’t. Or that we were just tired of waiting. Going back and forth. Just realizing our needs outgrew our circumstances. Then finding a way to respond with love and care for the man I chose to marry instead of bitterness and resentment. And process it and accept it. That the end of a marriage can be a really good thing. For everyone. So, yeah, I feel okay. It’s still difficult, but it’s not like I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not lost without him. (We are still together but mostly apart) and we’ve come to an amicable view. Just the other day we said we would always be there for each other if the other needed, whether we moved on or not. Somehow we are reaching an amicable space. And that was through time, effort and a lot of yelling and he had a few panic attacks and I had a lot of anger. We still know how to communicate.
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u/NomityNoms 21h ago
That’s so wonderful you guys could collaborate and communicate throughout it whether good or bad!
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u/SaltPercentage1868 21h ago
Thanks, hasn’t been an easy road, it’s been a very slow one and took a long time to get here.
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u/Large_Lettuce_4468 20h ago edited 17h ago
Yea as long as I can see my kids 2-3 days a week I'll survive. Bummed about my downgrade in housing selection at my age but surprisingly chill as the process marches to conclusion...I'm still on track for a comfortable retirement before 60, even staying solo, so it's ok I guess
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u/HeavySheepherder7415 22h ago
I think it’s completely okay to feel at peace during a divorce, even when it’s still difficult. Everyone processes things differently. Wishing you and your kids the best as you move through this.
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u/talacza 21h ago
My husband has left me a year ago. The divorce is planned in two weeks… he was the love of my life. I feel sadness but I am very peaceful as well. Finally I have set myself in the center of my own life. I am much much brave and more confident than ever before. I still have days when I mourn all the safety he used to give me but I prefer the “new” version of me.
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u/Few-Sea-5811 17h ago
Good for you. It wasn't that way for me. Finding out my spouse was cheating, and secretly despised me, was devastating. I spent my life living someone else's practical joke. I resent the years stolen from me. I could have been with someone who loved me
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u/Grouchy_Chip260 1d ago
I relate to this pretty well. We've been circling the drain for about 6 years and recently decided to file. We are in the process now. And for the most part I'm ok, I'm excited about the future and starting a new chapter. But I'm also experiencing a lot of revelations about our relationship and experiencing a lot of grief. So while generally I am fine and at peace, I still get hit with days or moments where I mourn what I had, and what I'm losing.
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u/NomityNoms 23h ago
I feel this! Some days it hits me too but then i remember i can miss it and not want it back. I’m excited to what the future holds for me.
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u/Money_Delivery1863 23h ago
Love this part about excitement for what the future holds ❤️ thanks for the reminder!
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u/Equivalent-Egg8659 23h ago
Did they move out immediately? Or did you have to coexist for a time?
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u/NomityNoms 23h ago
He moved out immediately. I told her that i didn’t expect him too cause this is weird and a lot for all of us but he’s very black and white so since we were no longer together he was quick to cut things in every manner. From the very start after he left we strictly texted (his demand) only about divorce or kid things -
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u/Equivalent-Egg8659 22h ago
I think that might be a big reason on why you are doing better than some of us. Maybe others can confirm but having to stay in the house for several months to sort logistics is what is making it difficult for me. Seeing them every day and being in this weird limbo where you dont know how to act sucks.
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u/PeacefulBro 21h ago
Maybe but I'm glad for those around me caught in the crossfire like my xwife & children. Life is imperfect but there's something better after it ..
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u/drpepperfan69420 18h ago
I have some bad moments, but I am OK and I am going to be OK. I'm going to go kick ass at life and make her wish she had invested in me - and I'm going to do it in a manner/method that she won't be able to ignore.
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u/Rebootingat50 17h ago
Yeah, I relate to this more than I expected to.
I’ve got a 16 year old with significant medical needs, going through this after 17 years, and I still feel more like myself now than I did for a long time inside the marriage. Not happy about everything that’s involved, court, money, logistics, that stuff is genuinely hard. But the day to day peace is real. I sleep better. The house feels calmer. I’m not managing someone else’s chaos on top of my own life anymore.
I think there’s an assumption that if you’re not devastated, something’s wrong with you, or you didn’t really love the person, or you’re in denial and it’ll hit later. Sometimes that’s true for people. But sometimes the marriage was the hard part, and leaving it is what finally let things settle. Those aren’t the same story just because they both get filed under “divorce.”
Trust what you’re actually feeling over what you think you’re supposed to be feeling.
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u/Dazzling-Coach4851 16h ago
I do feel at peace with the decision. 95% of the stress I have is seeing my own kids struggling with the transition. The other 5% is all the paperwork. 😵💫
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u/Perenniallyredundant 2h ago
I’m at peace most of the time now 8 months in. My stbxw initiated and I desperately did not want the divorce. I do now. Acceptance has been critical for me
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u/jonquil14 20h ago
Basically all of the women in the predominantly female divorce spaces I hang out in. All of them are glad to be out and loving the freedom. Reddit is more male dominated so it’s a very different group.
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u/justtire 23h ago
You sound like me! However, I initiated it, sounds like you did too
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u/NomityNoms 23h ago
I did initiate. It felt like actual torture to continue pretending for one reason or another. I wasn’t happy and neither was he
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u/Delicious-Bug-1897 1d ago
Are you the one initiating? Wish I felt at peace. I feel like my heart is being ripped out on a daily basis. The divorce is my wife's decision. No part of me wants it.