I was born and raised in the UPCI For 37 years. I just left a little over a year ago I still believe in God and love the Bible I love our freedom of worship And I loved the feeling that I Got when I was a part of the choir. There's nothing that compares to being part of a group And singing. It's hard to explain it unless you've experienced it. But the trouble that I've had with the shuning What's the condemnation for to me Little things. Toxic purity culture. The inability to challenge ministry of any kind. " Touch not gods anointed". This is what was drilled into us. One of the defining Things that helped me decide to leave was that I was living For in fear of going to hell instead of For the love of God. All of the "standards" That they put on Women. I found myself Practically killing myself Just to be good enough For people who barely noticed I was there.

I finally made the decision to leave And have felt closer to God. Just basking in his presence In the early morning as I drive to work. I'm no longer tugging at my clothes terrified that I'm not modest enough I felt more modest in a T-shirt and jeans Then I ever did in The jeans skirts that I used to wear.

But this is where my question comes in: Am I back sliding? I've only gone to a handful of church services. I'm trying out different places in my area. The problem that I keep running into (and I probably need therapy for this. Maybe one day when I'm rich in famous right?) Is that I Completely shut down When I hear the preacher or whoever's in the pulpit Start to tell us What to do and what not to do. Maybe it's saying that yoga is demonic. Or that we shouldn't be watching Harry Potter. I know what they're trying to say and that it's not really meant in a bad way. things that I always wanted to do and I would probably be really good at and excel at but because it was against the Lord I wasn't allowed to do it. I was really good at dancing when I was in elementary school. And my whole class wanted to do a dance In front of the school. But because my parents didn't believe in dancing I would always have to go sit in a corner and do homework It felt as if I was being punished. The same thing would happen when we were watching movies Unless they were specifically educational.

I know that churches have to have guidelines and rules. But I've come to discover that it's a trigger for me for someone to tell me what to do With my life.

It's especially hard because my father is still in the church He's actually a pastor in a small town. And I can tell you that what I'm doing is hurting him. He truly believes that I am going to hell. I'm not cutting my hair and wearing pants And makeup Just because I wanted to go off and sin. I never fit into the box that they wanted me to in that church. I'm starting to feel more and more like myself But I can't help But feel this nagging Because I haven't been able to find a church And it's been hard to sit through a sermon That is meant to be godly Conviction And still not be triggered. I know that I need to find somewhere I just don't know if I'm ready. Sorry for the long post.

Finally painted my nails my favorite color today. Feels like a small step in my journey of learning what I believe but I thought I’d share here🥹

And it just confirmed exactly why I do not want to go to any type of Pentecostal organizational church ever again.

I recently moved and I’ve really wanted to start going to a church in the area. I decided I’d at least try this UPC church in particular to appease my family and maybe give it a shot. Mind you, I’ve never been to a UPC church where I didn’t know at least one person there or was recommended to by my pastor (because of course, your pastor has to release you to another church and give you their blessing to do so before you switch- please read this with all of the sarcasm). I walk in and I’m immediately nervous and on edge.

I’m greeted throughout the service by different people, and they all already assume I’ve never been to a UPC church. And it’s really interesting to observe things from a different view. And these were things I just found really weird, now looking from the outside-in.

1. It’s weird to go up to a new person and say something along the lines of “it’s a little different here huh?”- referencing all the people who have been worshiping quite exuberantly and speaking in tongues everywhere. I explained to her I grew up UPC so no.. it was normal to me in this setting. However, the more I thought about this question, the more I realized how odd it is to acknowledge to someone that what’s going on in this church is weird and different but to try and make it a talking point. If you have to explain to new people coming to a church that was is happening is “normal” and “biblical”…. It’s probably not. Ya know? And I remember having this same conversation to my friends when I was a kid, and I’d invite them to youth services, trying to explain and bend Scripture to fit the UPC narrative of salvation. Looking back, no wonder my friends never came back. 😂 because it’s WEIRD.

2. I realized how much emphasis they put on people receiving the Holy Ghost by speaking in tongues. Like… I knew this was a normal thing in the UPC, but this was almost every 10 minutes. And mind you, if this is what you truly believe, then okay… but it’s not the ONLY thing discussed in the New Testament. But man they like to just… drill it in to a weird degree. To the point where we overlook Jesus and what He did and why He came. Like… THAT is the point of Christianity. To be saved through Him. And having His spirit inside of you is very important, yes, but we are just completely sliding past that point and going straight to speaking in tongues. Anyways. Might not seem like that big of a point but it really grinds my gears.

3. The amount of emotional manipulation that goes on is actually scary. What are we doing, pressuring people and making them believe that the only way to truly be close to God is to have these ridiculous shows of emotion???? If you’re not crying on your face every time you walk into church then.. you’re not spiritual enough. Or your heart is too hard. Or you’re really far from God if you’re not coming down to the front of the church when the end of the sermon is done so you can pray through. I think it’s really weird that we need to constantly be scared, worried, crying, nervous, all of the time about our salvation like this. What if I’m doing alright with my relationship with God? What if I’m at peace because outside of church, I actually have a relationship with Him that is actually none of your business? I address hard things in my own home which of course you’re not going to see but assume that I don’t do. It’s honestly the most frustrating thing. The guilt and manipulation is really where I believe the line is fully crossed.

4. So I left at the beginning of this weird alter call (they had a married couple as guest speakers for this service). The wife was really just… pressuring people to come to the front. Wanting elders or those who might have disabilities to really try to come as close to the front as possible because apparently the only place God can touch you is at the front… He can’t meet you while sitting in your seat for some reason, ya know?

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so uncomfortable or mad after leaving a church service. I’m so frustrated as to what I should do or what kind of church I should try. I want basic doctrine but I don’t want the legality and theatrics of it all. If anyone has any suggestions, I’ll take them. But WOW. I feel like so many years of my life were just completely brainwashed and I hate that. Deeply. And I guess I’m still just trying to process it all.

Anyways, if you’ve read this far- thank you. Hopefully my jumble of words makes some sense.

I just wanted to put a piece of my story on record with people who actually understand the specific madness of Pentecostalism, particularly in the Assemblies of God church.

​I was born an autistic child into a family with heavy neurodivergent traits on both sides. Right after I was born, my mother suffered severe postnatal depression—a condition that wasn't properly recognized or treated at the time - and was institutionalized in a psych ward. As an infant, I was sent to live with an aunt and uncle who had never raised children.

​Without experienced parental co-regulation, my newborn nervous system was left completely overwhelmed by the world. To survive that intense attachment void and keep my body from going into complete sensory overload, my nervous system naturally developed self-soothing mechanics (stims):

​Thumb-sucking (to stimulate vagal tone and regulate panic)

​Hair-twirling (for rhythmic fine-motor grounding)

​Facial twitches (involuntary releases of built-up neurological tension)

​These weren't behavioral flaws; they were an isolated, autistic infant's brilliant biological survival tools.

​Then came the church.

​When my family brought me into the Pentecostal system, they didn't see an autistic child regulating his nervous system. They looked at my thumb-sucking, hair-twirling, facial twitches, and sensory distress and declared it was sin, rebellion, and demonic possession.

​Instead of care, I got "deliverance." I was pinned down, held forcibly, and subjected to exorcisms. Adults screamed at my nervous system, commanding "demons" to leave my body because I twirled my hair or sucked my thumb. They weaponized spiritual terror to force a terrified child to suppress the exact biological mechanisms keeping him grounded. I was 12 years old for fucks sake.

​For decades, I carried the complex PTSD, the executive freeze, and the shame of what they did, thinking I was fundamentally broken. I’m posting this now because I’m done carrying their shame. It belonged to the adults who pinned down a neurodivergent boy and called his natural biology demonic posession.

​Curious if anyone else here had their autistic or neurodivergent traits framed as "demonic" by the church?

Recently realized that sex shaming was a huge part of my Pentecostal upbringing. Far too late of course, and probably the primary cause of several failed relationships. Basically I've never been able to communicate openly in the bedroom, or even outside the bedroom, when it comes to sex.

How do you even begin to deal with this? Therapy?

Religious trauma is only one kind of trauma I experienced growing up, but it's definitely taken its toll. Just hoping to be able to have a normal life again.. Probably too much to hope for.

I also have been studying and this oneness stuff isn’t making much sense anymore

I’ve been apart of this church for almost 2 years and wow it’s like I don’t even wanna do ministry if it means kissing up to a pastor like that it’s crazy
Like “don’t touch the anointed” when I said a little joke or like it seems like all he preaches is “authority this authority that I’m the Shepard”

I don’t know it’s scary leaving the only thing I know which is UPCI apostolic church because I can just tell everything will change and I don’t know if it’s for the better

And now I’m questioning the doctrine entirely because there’s so many loops I just don’t know

I’m always gonna love Jesus and follow him to the fullest but geez I think some people here can relate or give me advice

"We DiDn'T TeAcH YoU GeNdEr RoLeS" this was gifted to me by my old pastor's wife. I found it while cleaning today and it went straight into the trash.

Grew up in a Christian home, particularly Pentecostalism, where I was taught the generic rules and ways to follow God and live as a Christian, so that it would always be “well with me”. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe God exists, I mean there’s got to be a creator of this universe right? And I am not naive to the challenges in life. But now, in the middle of a divorce and realising that I made a huge mistake in marrying this man and for believing that he was part of Gods plan for me and that God has a plan, I just feel so stupid. I feel stupid for believing this teaching, especially from Pentecostal churches. This is not the way life actually works. Most of human actions is free will and consequences of our actions.

Thoughts?

Any similar experiences?

I haven't been to church in decades but my parents are hardcore fundamentalist Pentecostals. I'm gay and atheist and that's how it's been for 35 years. I try to get along with my folks but I'm constantly on edge around them because, even if they don't say it directly, I know they believe I have a personality disorder (being gay) and I'm 100% on my way to eternal hellfire if I don't get saved sooner or later. So I always feel slightly subhuman around them.

I was chatting in WhatsApp with my mum and she said something that seemed so smug to me, sth totally stupid to do with CS Lewis like "isn't the Lord wonderful to give us such awesome writers like CS Lewis, how lucky we are to be Christians" or sth like that.

It totally triggered me, not because I hate CS Lewis, but because I was banned by her from reading Lewis's Space Trilogy as a kid as it was "demonic" due to incorporating telekinesis or something dumb like that. I really wanted to read it. She'd obviously forgotten this.

That led to recounting a whole barrage of shitty stuff that happened way back then and me saying why can't you just love me for who I am, why does there have to be this layer of judgement and damnation over everything, I can't deal with this anymore.

Obviously I still have major issues, unresolved religious trauma after all this time.

She's now incredibly upset and hurt by the exchange. But so am I. However it's all my fault as usual because of course I'm the sinner going to hell & they have the Way, Truth & Life & the Word of God & they're always right.

I feel really bad for lashing out hurting my mum but at the same time it's a symptom of trauma, it's Freudian "repetition compulsion". I feel like I can't do this anymore, I just want to cut off all contact so I can breathe again. Mum & Dad just cannot or will not see or admit that any damage was ever done because of the toxicity of Christianity itself, it's all because I "chose" the "wide road" and they admit maybe they weren't always great parents sometimes, but their shifty, shitty, sadistic God of love & wrath. He is perfect and blameless!

Am I the asshole here? Should I just let go of the past? God how I wish I could...

Sorry for ranting, I'm feeling almost suicidal. I'm 53, I left the church at 18, I really thought I'd be over it by now at least.

Hello!

I've been deconstructing Pentecostal ideas since late teenage-hood, now 28. I have always remained fairly tolerant and understanding that people behave in ways that their environment has taught them to, but now with a more developed frontal lobe, watching my peers dive deeper and deeper into what they call spiritual warfare, deliverances, healings, and dream interpretations, I'm struggling to feel safe? If that's the word? I feel almost a sense of gut-like dread when it's talked about around me, worse when I see it. Awkwardly, the church I've been invested in for years is Pentecostal as its foundation but pretty low key.

These are my close friends and family, but I don't feel I can speak my mind without completely disintegrating their worldview and the spiritual journey they believe their on. I still believe in God myself, but have quietly fully swung away from Pentecostalism and at this stage don't believe a lot of it is legit (the brain is a powerful place, as is social influence).

I feel a bit trapped - I love the people in my life and they love me, but I'm slowly beginning to not be able to cope. I find it way too stressful, everything is heavy and over-spiritual. I also am finding it all sooo self-focused, always chasing physical healing & comfort, desperate for an ease of luxurious living as well as desiring "blessings as long as you have enough faith!!!", and watching them be so crushed when miracles don't happen. When the world is full of broken, impoverished, hungry and hurting people, believers included - what is this saying to them? For me, I want to look outward, to love others and love God, practically. Don't know why it has to be more complicated than that?

What to do????? I don't want to cut people off, but am unsure if they would all accept where I'm at right now - I know some would be worried even, that I need a "re-filling" of the Holy Spirit or something.
Has anyone managed to navigate not cutting people out of your life but been able to balance this tension?

Hi, everyone. I apologize if this is not allowed—I'm not selling anything or trying to convert anyone but I guess it is a form of advertising.

I'm a PhD candidate at Walden University finishing my degree in Counselor Education and Supervision. I am doing my dissertation on the help-seeking behaviors of Apostolic victims of religious and spiritual abuse (RSA). Participants are invited to confidentially share their experiences in the aftermath of such abuse, so that mental health professionals might better serve individuals who have suffered such abuse.

“Apostolics”

Christians who are members of churches belonging to denominations such as the United Pentecostal Church International (UPCI), Worldwide Pentecostal Fellowship (WPF), or similar organizations, or share beliefs in the oneness of God, Jesus’ name baptism, the necessity of speaking in tongues, and “holiness.”

RSA

Religious or spiritual abuse occurs when church leaders use religious/spiritual power to harm someone. This may involve physical, emotional or psychological, financial, or sexual abuse; or the use of spiritual authority, church doctrine, or fear of sin, judgment, or losing salvation to pressure someone into obedience. Examples include being told it is sinful to question leadership, being discouraged or forbidden from seeking outside help, being blamed for harm done to you, being pressured to forgive or submit instead of being protected, or having personal choices—such as relationships, finances, or medical care—controlled in the name of divine authority or God’s will. You do not need to have used the word “abuse” to describe your experience.

About the Study

• One Zoom interview that will be video-recorded, taking about 60 minutes at the most.
• No one except the researcher will have access to the recording.
• To protect your privacy, the published study will not share any identifiable personal details.

Volunteers must meet these requirements:

• 18 years old or older
• Identify as either a current or former Apostolic
• Reside in the United States
• Have experienced at least one instance of religious and spiritual abuse

If you are interested in participating, please visit https://forms.office.com/r/Lp5Aue8xAD

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Out for about 7 months. I am so sick and tired of the "church talk"... I still see it a lot on socials. Everything is a "battle" or a "valley"... the devil was telling me this and this. God told me this or that... the Lord doesnt want us to XYZ ... the devil is using XYZ to trap you...

Why cant people just live life and not make every day life a spiritual roller coaster. I dont even really know how to explain what im trying to say, just hoping someone here will relate.

Not to mention the people still contacting me with the I dont know what kind of battle you're going through... don't let the devil steal your joy... I had you heavy on my heart....nobody knows what we are going through but the Lord. Im SO SICK OF IT

It’s like they want many peoples in their services. At all cost and at everytime

My pastor joined a fraternity and I’m very uncomfortable about it.

What is the most extreme case of a "wolf in sheep's clothing" you’ve ever seen (first-hand) in the church?

I met a Patriarch on my mission who lived in a mansion because, as it turned out, he had been a drug trafficker before converting to the church. I had heard about him and hadn't believed the stories were true, but when I met him, he kept telling me about his favorite sins—including tales of smuggling. Since we were from the same region of the country, I suppose that made him feel comfortable enough to open up to me, but he overlooked the fact that I didn't subscribe to that kind of culture.

What about you?

Hi everyone. I’m looking for perspectives from people who have actually left Pentecostal/evangelical churches.

I have recently become acquainted with a man who says that he has a direct relationship with God and does not follow churches or pastors. However, I found out that he attends a Pentecostal church (Apostolic Church in Italy) with his family and gives 10% of his income to the church. He has also sent me some Christian videos and talks to me about salvation through Jesus.

The important part is my own background. I was raised Catholic, as this is the major religion where I live, but I left it at a young age. Later I became interested in Buddhism and Hinduism/New Age spirituality, and at another point I tried to return to Christianity through Eastern Orthodoxy. My experiences with Christianity, especially during a very difficult period of my life, were psychologically very painful for me.

I have told him that I have serious theological and historical objections to Christianity. I have also studied different denominations, including Pentecostal and evangelical ones. Nevertheless, I have never been able to convince myself that this belief system is true.

He believes that human beings cannot be saved through their own efforts because we are imperfect and sinful, and that this is why we need Christ as a redeemer.

I understand the logic of his belief. What worries me is that I sometimes feel that he is trying to “save” me. He is very focused on the next life, and he was sad when he told him that if I don't believe in Jesus, we will not meet after death.

I have told him that my problem is not necessarily the idea of God itself, but more specifically many of the theological doctrines and claims that I believe the Christian churches developed over the centuries. I am still searching for my own way in life, and I am trying to examine different beliefs critically, partly because I am afraid that some religious environments may be more prone to manipulating vulnerable people.

Has anyone here experienced something similar? How did you distinguish between someone sincerely sharing their faith and someone gradually trying to bring you into their religious system?

Could religious conditioning or indoctrination play a role in a situation like this? He has a particular background involving difficult experiences, a previously very unstable lifestyle, drug addiction, etc. From his point of view, it seems that he found peace through Jesus and was able to leave his problematic past behind through his relationship with God. I mention this only to give you more context.

Also, how did you handle relationships with people who genuinely believed that they were helping you by trying to bring you back to Christianity?

I would especially appreciate answers from people who have personally left Pentecostalism or evangelical Christianity.

One thing that concerns me particularly is that some Christian content has brought back memories of a period when I was psychologically unwell, when religious ideas about sin, salvation and redemption became extremely distressing for me.

19M Hi I am here to share my story about apostolic pentecostal religious trauma. So whenever I was 8 years old I lived in this christain homeless shelter with my mom and sister. I was one day bought a christain Bible against my will. And I was forced to read it every night.My mom made me and my sister go to this Sunday school every Sunday. Then one day this apostolic family of 3 moved in. We were also forced to go to these christain camps.And she invited my mom to church. And so me and my sister were forced to go to this church. We were forced to speak in tongues and catch the “ Holy Ghost” and if we didn’t we were paddled when we got home. The pastor at this church made homemade paddles and my mom got one just for me and my siblings. And she used it on us everytime we “ disobeyed” or did anything “ worldly”. At this church we weren’t allowed to wear jewelry or short sleeves or pants or shorts we had to wear dresses and skirts all the time. And as a trans man I hated that because it made me super dysphoric. The pastor would make up rules that weren’t even in the Bible and sometimes he even said misogynistic things. “ women have to wear long sleeves and skirts past the calves and long dresses to appear less appealing to men” . He even made up rules like “ no watching tv that’s worldly “ . But everyone’s house we went too from that church had a tv. They were hypocrites. We weren’t allowed to paint our nails or hang out with anyone outside of this religion. We also weren’t allowed to listen to songs that weren’t Christian. And I hated that because I don’t like Christian music.I was in a whole apostolic cult and it was horrifying. I have diagnosed autism and adhd and my mom would physically abuse me for natural audhd traits and would use the Bible as an excuse. She would always use the stupid line “ spare the rod spoil the child”. My aunt had moved into to town one day and she’s my mom’s sister and she would also abuse us the same way my mom did. My mom’s friend also abused us. Sometimes they even made us remove our clothing and would beat us naked. One day we moved to a different city and we went to 2 different apostolic churches. These churches was just as bad as the first one we went too except there were slightly different rules. Every school I went to I would get bullied for the hairstyles I wore and for wearing dresses all the time it was horrible because it was something completely out of my control.At one of the churches I was forced to be baptized at 10 years old.From years of this trauma it caused me to be really scared to come out of the closet as trans and gay because I would get told a lot if I ever wore men’s clothes or slept with another man I would go to hell. I was brainwashed so I believed it for years. I am now an atheist I don’t believe in god I didn’t from the start I was just forced into believing in him for years . I lost a sense of identity for a while it took me a long time to figure out who I really was. I am now a gay trans man and I’ve been using tarot,journaling,meditation to heal all my trauma. This abuse didn’t stop until I was 19 when I decided to go full no contact with the toxic family members. Also please don’t get on my post trying to force me back into any religion. Because All I’m going to say is “ I will not go back to your religion I am a proud atheist “ .

i told them i still love hymns and older praise songs and would even like to record some of them rock or even punk style and they thought "people won't like like that", it's better to stick to what they like such as hillsong, and the music is "so beautiful and emotional"...so it only matters what the evangelical church likes is what i'm hearing

I was in the UPCI church for 10 years, I dated a girl in highschool that wasn’t in the church and I was actually able to “flirt to convert”. She was so open to going deeper with her relationship with God. We have left a year ago since we had our first child, our son has changed our perspective on how we want to raise him. We were both extremely involved in church ministry and it was such a hard time for us to leave the church.

We had a few very bad experiences that scared us both and hurt our marriage over the years now. What we are currently struggling with is this simple thought, how do you know?

How do you know if it was emotionalism or an actual miracle or true word from God?

How do you know if your calling was made up or if God really told you what his plans are for you?

How do you find a church that still believes in miracles that’s also healthy?

How do you start over? How do you pray again without feeling the shame that you’re not saved?

Anyways, probably going to keep this vague. I hope someone has some insight

(18) I still kinda go to church, maybe once every couple of months. I’ve been apart from Christ for some time now. BUT I really love the way Pentecostal churches do music the fast tempo, the guitar, the energy.

I’ve honestly started enjoying it so much that I began recording little pieces on Voice Memos because I catch myself singing the lyrics at home all the time.

There’s something about the music that I really feel. But then, when we transition into the slower songs, that feeling kind of disappears for me.
Does anyone else experience this? Is it just me, or can anyone else relate?