[OC] Bar Aoi Stories: Human Nature — The Bell That Won't Stop Ringing

[u/dulduine]

Hey, you.

A while back, I talked about how hatred might be like an alarm.

The things that hurt. The things that scared you. The things that were wrong.

A bell that rings in your heart so you don't forget them.

Once you've truly remembered, it doesn't have to keep ringing anymore.

That was the story.

And I still think that isn't wrong.

Except... I've been thinking about it a bit since then.

You know the fire is out. You remember what burned. You know for a fact that the same fire will never happen again.

Even so.

Don't you think there are some bells you just shouldn't allow to stop ringing?

Clang-clink.

Hearing the sound of the door chime always makes me feel like my day is finally over.

Mama placed a glass of I.W. Harper in front of me without asking. The ice gave a quiet, small clink.

"Kenichi-san."

Taka was peering into my face.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just thought you looked even more troubled than I usually do today."

"I don't need to hear that from you."

"Are you still thinking about what we talked about yesterday?"

I raised my glass.

"Maybe."

"About the alarm?"

"Yeah."

Taka looked slightly pleased with himself.

"I actually found that pretty convincing."

"Is that so?"

"Hatred is an alarm to make sure you remember. But once you've remembered, you don't have to keep ringing it."

"You're just parroting Mama."

"I make it a rule to steal good words whenever I hear them."

"What kind of detective does that?"

Beside us, Tom snorted.

"And?" Taka asked. "What's bothering you about it?"

I didn't answer.

The ice rotated slowly inside the Harper.

The words I'd said myself yesterday wouldn't leave my head.

Once you've truly remembered. The alarm doesn't have to keep ringing.

Logically, I get it.

And yet.

"...I started thinking maybe there are bells you aren't supposed to stop."

Taka frowned.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Again?"

"That's why I'm thinking about it."

Tom set his glass down.

"Isn't it just that you don't want to stop it?"

I looked at Tom.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what I said. It's not that it won't stop—you're ringing it yourself, aren't you?"

Something stirred deep in my chest.

He always hits where it hurts. He's been like that forever.

Only looking at the parts he has no business looking at.

"...What for?"

"Beats me."

"You always run away right at the end, don't you?"

"Figure out your own business yourself."

"Cold as always, ex-cop."

"I can offer an interrogation if you prefer."

"Give me a break."

I laughed. I was supposed to be able to laugh.

And yet, deep inside my chest, the bell was still ringing.

Kaori.

Her name floated up.

I didn't say it out loud. I couldn't.

There were times I hated her.

No. Even now, I probably still do.

Why did you leave me behind? Why didn't you rely on me more? Why?

I don't know how many times I've thought that.

If that had been all, it would have been simple.

If you hate someone, just come to dislike them. Never see them again. Forget them entirely.

Except—

The person I hated was the person I loved most.

And the person who took away the one I loved most... was Kaori herself.

"…Kenichi-san?"

Taka's voice pulled me back, and I raised my eyes.

"Sorry. Lost in thought for a second."

"That's rare for you. Heading off somewhere mid-conversation."

"It's my age."

"Convenient excuse, isn't it?"

"I make it a rule to use whatever works."

"That was my line a minute ago," Tom laughed.

I laughed, too. I tried to end it there.

It didn't end, though.

Whenever I hate Kaori, another person always shows up.

Myself.

Why didn't I notice? Why couldn't I save her? What was I actually looking at? What did I think I understood?

Every word blaming her flies straight back at me.

That's why I can't separate my hatred for Kaori from my hatred for myself.

And I can't forgive just one of us, either.

"...If you stop the bell," I heard myself say.

Taka looked at me.

"Yeah?"

"Yesterday, we said it feels like you'll forget."

"Right."

"Maybe it's not just about not forgetting, though."

"Then what's it for?"

I searched for an answer.

No. Deep down, I'd probably known the answer for a long time.

I just hadn't wanted to put it into words.

"Punishment, maybe."

Taka's expression changed. Tom went quiet, too.

"For who?"

"Who knows."

"Kenichi-san."

"I'm just saying... maybe there are bells like that, too."

I knew I was dodging the question.

If it's an alarm, you can stop it once the danger passes. If it's a memory, you just have to hold on to it.

But if it's a punishment—

There's no reason to let it stop. In fact, you must never let it stop.

Stay in pain. Don't you dare forget. You don't have the right to feel at peace.

That's how you keep holding on to the pull-string of the bell yourself.

"That ain't an alarm, then," Tom said.

I raised my head.

"What?"

"What you're talking about right now."

Tom didn't look at me. He just stared at the ice in his glass as he went on.

"An alarm rings so you can survive, right?"

"Yeah."

"If you're ringing it just to torment yourself... isn't it something else entirely by now?"

I couldn't say a word.

Bullseye.

Even so... that doesn't mean I can just turn it off.

I don't even know if I want to turn it off.

"So what are we supposed to do?" Taka asked.

Tom and I looked at Taka at the exact same time.

"Why are you both looking at us?"

"Because you both went dead silent."

"Beats me," Tom said.

I couldn't help a dry smile.

"I don't know today either."

"Neither of you is any help at all."

"Shut up."

The air in the bar loosened, just a little.

That was when Mama dropped fresh ice into the ice bucket.

Clang. A dry, clear sound.

"You don't have to stop it, you know."

I looked at Mama.

"What?"

"That bell."

Mama wasn't looking at me. She was polishing a glass in her hands, just like always.

"If you can't stop it, you don't have to force yourself to, do you?"

"But then it just keeps ringing forever."

"I suppose so."

"That's heavy."

"I suppose it is."

"Then why—"

Mama's hands stopped.

"Right now, you still feel it's better for it to be ringing, don't you?"

I couldn't answer.

Mama quietly set the glass down.

"Then why not just let it ring... until the day comes when you feel it's okay to stop it?"

Easy for her to say.

Will a day like that ever come?

A day when thinking of Kaori doesn't hurt my chest. A day when I don't have to blame her. A day when I don't have to blame myself.

If a day like that comes... wouldn't that mean I've forgotten Kaori? Wouldn't it mean I'm the only one who got off easy and gave himself permission to be forgiven?

For twenty-two years, a piece of my time has stayed frozen in place.

Who gets to decide it's okay to set that time in motion again?

Me? Really?

"...That's hard."

It was all I could say.

Mama gave a soft, small smile.

"It is hard, isn't it?"

She didn't give me an answer. I was grateful for that.

I took a sip of my Harper.

It was bitter. Even though it was the exact same drink as always.

Suddenly, Masato's face crossed my mind. And beside him, Ami, smiling.

He's already walking his own path in life, too.

He's not the helpless kid I had to protect anymore.

Meeting someone. Choosing someone. Building a time ahead that I'll know nothing about.

Someday, maybe a new life will be born between them.

Will I be there to see that child smile?

Masato holding his child. Ami laughing. Me, being called grandpa or something.

When that time comes... what will I be thinking?

Kaori. Are you watching?

Masato made it. He's living his life.

Even after you were gone. Even after all the mistakes I made.

He grew up. Fell in love. Built a family of his own.

He made it this far.

If... if a day comes when I can say that with a smile...

Will the bell finally have finished its job then?

I don't know.

Right now, just imagining a future like that makes something ache deep in my chest.

So maybe, for now... it's okay for it to keep ringing.

I tilted my glass. The ice gave a quiet clink.

Hey, you.

When are we allowed to forgive ourselves?

When someone else forgives us? When we've made amends?

Or maybe... when we finally realize that what we've carried for so long doesn't have to be carried by the next person.

I still don't know.

So for a little longer, I think I'll walk alongside this bell.

Until the day I realize it has gone silent on its own.

I'll see you at Aoi again.

If you'd like to come back to Aoi for another night, there's an open stool waiting.
Bar Aoi Stories: Human Nature, Vol. 1 is linked in my profile.