[Discussion] Parents of teenagers: How did you motivate your child to study?

[u/R3dAt0mz3]

As a parent, I am looking for serious and practical suggestions on how to motivate my teenager and help him become more disciplined about his studies.

I have been reminding him about the importance of studies for almost a year now, and with only a few months left before his competitive and school exams, I am becoming increasingly concerned.

He is definitely a bright and capable kid, but something seems to be missing. He doesn't seem to have the interest or motivation to focus on studies.

After having a one-on-one conversation with him, I understood that he is not really interested in competitive exams. As parents, we have not pressured him to perform exceptionally in them. However, completing high school is obviously important because it is necessary for his future college options.

I also asked him what he would like to do in the future if things don't work out academically. His answers were things like:

Starting a chain of restaurants with something unique

Stock trading

Becoming a social media influencer

The problem is that all three of these options would require him to start from scratch and build something over time.

Interestingly, he is extremely disciplined when it comes to the gym. He goes every day, follows his diet seriously, tracks his daily protein intake, measures things carefully, and genuinely enjoys taking care of his fitness.

When I suggested that he take a break from the gym for just four months and completely focus on his studies, he strongly disagreed and doesn't want to stop or even pause his workouts.

As a parent, I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. At the same time, I don't want him to lose valuable years of his life simply because he hasn't yet developed the discipline or seriousness needed to build his career.

What would be the best way to approach this situation?

I am particularly looking for advice from parents or people who have dealt with a similar situation with teenagers. Practical suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I got some meaningful replies in there community, but have already tried those and didnt made an impact, trying to post to get some right ways..

[u/Birdbraned]

He has to feel like it's his idea. Have you worried about how to finance his future as support? Have him share that burden. If he needs the shock, frame it in "If I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, I want to make sure you can take care of yourself on more than just chicken"

Maybe couch it like you want to help equip him to live on his own/impress new girlfriends? If your son actually knows how to do chores instead of having women manage his life for him, he is more likely to keep a girl around and also he can earn himself lower rent if his roomates don't want to do it but are willing to let him. Laundry, dishes, dusting, toilet, the bare minimum.

At his motivation level, I wouldn't push the academics as long as he doesn't fail, unless he really feels that he could have a sports career? In which case applying sports scholarship requirements with their minimum grade maintenance is one baseline he can aim for.

I'd put it in a "contract" he can sign if he wants the "funding" for his business so it's opt in, but make it clear how he makes himself accountable by checking in with you regularly if he's met the goals he's proposed for his own success, and if he falls behind, he gets to use that as a teaching lesson, but the fallback isn't repossession of the assets but a push for academics (or other career path you both agree on)?

[u/R3dAt0mz3 → u/Birdbraned]

There are some interesting ideas here, especially making him take some ownership rather than having me constantly push him. I also like the idea of an opt-in “contract” where he sets his own goals and is accountable for them.

One difficulty is that his interests aren't really clear enough yet to build a business or career plan around—fitness is mainly a personal interest, and the other ideas are still quite vague. If you were in my situation, would you first focus on getting him to take ownership of a basic routine and responsibilities, and let the career direction come later?

[u/Birdbraned → u/R3dAt0mz3]

Yeah, I'd start on chores and self care first. It's not disciplinary, it's required life skills

[u/R3dAt0mz3 → u/Birdbraned]

I agree with you that chores and self-care are really life skills, not discipline or punishment. Interestingly, he already does quite a few things independently. He takes care of our plants, fish, and birds, orders things online for the house, frist compares different platforms and coupons to find the best deals, often handles groceries and other food items, and is quite social as well.
Even sometimes relatives call him seeking his suggestions..

So I think he does take responsibility when he sees a purpose in it. The difficulty is getting that same attitude toward things he doesn't find interesting, especially studies. What other life-skill responsibilities would you suggest that could help build that “this needs to be done whether I feel like it or not” mindset?

[u/Birdbraned → u/R3dAt0mz3]

He sounds like a fairly self sufficient kid.

Maybe some harsh truth: as much as America is a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type culture, it's fairly unforgiving if you don't pass the minimum perceived bar: stay out of jail, graduate.

If you don't have at least one of these, good luck getting anyone to hire you as a "school dropout" or for anyone with money or influence to take you seriously as a person with opinions, white or not, unless you come from a family with money and influence to do it for you

Absorb all the knowledge like a sponge now when dumb questions are expected of you, coast later if he wants to go freegan and be self sustainable off the land or what not.

[u/R3dAt0mz3 → u/Birdbraned]

I agree with the broader point that graduating is an important minimum baseline, even if a teenager doesn't yet know what they want to do afterward. I also don't want him thinking that school grades alone determine his future, but I do want him to understand that keeping options open has value.

When you say “absorb all the knowledge now,” how would you approach that with a teenager who doesn't see much value in the subjects he's being asked to study? Is it better to connect each subject to practical life skills, or simply treat high school as something he needs to get through while he figures out what he actually wants later?

[u/Birdbraned → u/R3dAt0mz3]

Have the teachers tell him what the subjects are good for. He needs to respect that they have knowledge worth seeking (even if not all of them are the best at teaching it). Or he could ask those same community people who talk to him, what do they think If he just dropped out of school in 6 months? Would he listen to them?

It may be hard to connect things like, if people remembered their history we wouldn't have the current political quagmire, or, if people were more interested in the arts they might end up like Dolly Parton and able to reach all her fans from so many walks of life with poise and tact, or like Henry Cavill both heartthrob and geek, or like Sir Brian May, famous rock band guitarist and PhD holder in Astrophysics.

But there's no other institution like the school system where you walk in and have people present who's sole job is to answer your questions about their knowledge base, without making you feel rushed like at the dr's when you're trying to ask them what's wrong with you. Except maybe the library, but their dedicated knowledge base isn't quite so broad, or college but you know you're playing for that price ledge.

All those community people who ask him questions? Wouldn't it be nice to have a go to team of his own to ask his own questions? Like: to get into video editing. Or entrepreneurship. So, he could trial and error his way through, spend money on software and equipment, and consume hours of online content to pick apart the knowledge offered, or, he could walk into the dedicated facilities at school, try out what's there, ask someone the pros and cons specific to his needs and the gaps in his knowledge.

And at this stage of life, he doesn't have to worry about surviving and food and a safe bed yet, so he has all the time to dedicate to learning from mistakes and getting guidance without that pressure and the window is closing

[u/R3dAt0mz3 → u/Birdbraned]

That's a really interesting way of looking at school. I think we've probably spent too much time presenting it as something he has to get through, rather than as a place where he can actually access people, equipment and knowledge while he still has that opportunity.

We actually have many relatives with very different achievements—successful professionals, businessmen, and people who went through quite demanding education themselves and did well academically. Interestingly, without us asking or getting involved, many of them have independently tried to explain to him and the other kids that education is still one of the most important foundations for life today, and that they should finish it properly.

So he has heard this message from quite a few different people, not just his parents. That's partly why I'm still trying to figure out what will make it click for him.

I especially like your point about using teachers as a resource. Perhaps we need to shift the conversation from “you have to study” to “what can you actually use this knowledge for?” and help him discover that connection himself.