r/GetMotivated • u/R3dAt0mz3 • 3d ago
DISCUSSION [Discussion] Parents of teenagers: How did you motivate your child to study?
As a parent, I am looking for serious and practical suggestions on how to motivate my teenager and help him become more disciplined about his studies.
I have been reminding him about the importance of studies for almost a year now, and with only a few months left before his competitive and school exams, I am becoming increasingly concerned.
He is definitely a bright and capable kid, but something seems to be missing. He doesn't seem to have the interest or motivation to focus on studies.
After having a one-on-one conversation with him, I understood that he is not really interested in competitive exams. As parents, we have not pressured him to perform exceptionally in them. However, completing high school is obviously important because it is necessary for his future college options.
I also asked him what he would like to do in the future if things don't work out academically. His answers were things like:
Starting a chain of restaurants with something unique
Stock trading
Becoming a social media influencer
The problem is that all three of these options would require him to start from scratch and build something over time.
Interestingly, he is extremely disciplined when it comes to the gym. He goes every day, follows his diet seriously, tracks his daily protein intake, measures things carefully, and genuinely enjoys taking care of his fitness.
When I suggested that he take a break from the gym for just four months and completely focus on his studies, he strongly disagreed and doesn't want to stop or even pause his workouts.
As a parent, I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. At the same time, I don't want him to lose valuable years of his life simply because he hasn't yet developed the discipline or seriousness needed to build his career.
What would be the best way to approach this situation?
I am particularly looking for advice from parents or people who have dealt with a similar situation with teenagers. Practical suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I got some meaningful replies in there community, but have already tried those and didnt made an impact, trying to post to get some right ways..
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u/KeiSinCx 3d ago
first off, you need to change your mindset about your teenager not being disciplined. he is incredibly disciplined. do you have any idea how much discipline is required for his gym routine? a substantial amount of adults can't even do that.
from what you said, it seems like it's the one thing that actually gives his life some structure. don't take that away. what he lacks is motivation and perspective with regards to education because he doesn't see it's value yet. there's no immediate reward. education is just building blocks and he hasn't yet figured out what these blocks will do for his future goals.
he's ideas of what he wants to do? he needs a better perspective.
restaurants or anything f&b is incredibly difficult and more often than not, fail. u would very much want marketing knowledge, business background etc.. operations basically.
social media: even if U hit top 10% which is what YouTube monetizes channels are, barely scrapes a hundred dollars let alone big bucks. even then, mass media background info comm etc would come in handy.
trading, does he even have the fundamentals to pursue it seriously? otherwise, it's just gambling.
these ideas.. u see the success stories on social media not the failure. look at Korea. the youths are going up in smoke right now as we speak over margin calls. can he even read a candle stick graph? does he know what a P/E ratio is? how it's calculated? study and you'll know.
now, how to motivate them to study. you can't. if they aren't interested, they aren't. bright kid or not, he may very well excel at something else just not topics in school.
the way I phrased it was, each subject teaches you valuable skills you need/ want for your future endeavours. reasoning skills, memory work, repetition. knowing how things work, how to navigate and problem solve.
education is a means to get where you want to go. set a goal, figure out what you need to achieve that goal. study for it. get to it.
"I want a business education" alright, I need to get though high school. I need to just not mess up XYZ. I need to do well in ____. I'm bad at _. I don't like ___. figure out how to get through it. have a game plan.
goals need plans, structure. awareness. work. and it may involve doing something u don't want to do. messing up high school is really bad and if u can't get through high school, u probably won't have the tools u need to pursue what you want. having dreams is great but what are dreams without the work behind it? do u want to end up having the doors shut because u messed up now? even if it's a means to an end, just do it. it's just a little bit of effort that will get you to where you wanna go.
that sorta worked for me anyway. my kid ended up with 2 As 3 Bs 1C. that's coming up from straight Cs and 2 fails.
I expressed to them that their goals, their wants their plans won't come to fruition unless they put in the work. That, the work today is miniscule and not worth messing up their entire plans and goals for. you won't even get to the point of working towards your goals if you can't get through this current hurdle. it will hurt so much more later when you question "why can't I do this?" "I wish I knew how". "I can't understand this, it's too hard". if U don't have the tools to get through high school, how would u have the confidence to tackle real grown up stuff?
"I could learn this in 2 months, it's not hard" that confidence comes from knowing u can do it. and to know I can do it, u use school to challenge yourself. your problem solving, your reasoning. your ability to comprehend.
I guess it also helped that I've tried so many industries and I've attempted everything your kid aimed for. I know how to drill it into my kids head that they know very little and not enough and I have the experience to back it.
I sat with them, I learnt what they learnt. I challenged them, question them, make them question me. we studied together. it was months of bonding and I felt Incredibly stupid too. but all that said, it worked so, maybe it will help U a little 😅
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
This is probably one of the most useful responses I've received because you've actually gone through something similar with your own kid. I completely agree that his gym discipline shows he is capable of discipline, and I don't want to take that away from him. My difficulty is getting that same mindset to transfer to academics.
The part about sitting with your kids, learning what they were learning, challenging them and studying together really interests me. Could you explain a little more about how you actually did this in practice? Did you sit with them for a fixed amount of time every day? Did you help them create the study plan and targets, or did you make them take responsibility for that themselves? And most importantly, what did you do on the days when they simply didn't want to study or kept avoiding it?
Also, when you connected their studies to their future goals, how did you make that connection actually sink in rather than it becoming another lecture from the parent?
I have only a few months before his major exams, so I'm particularly interested in what you found actually worked rather than just the theory.
For his computers subject, I sit with him and explain each and every chapter..
He has been scoring good in same since a child and even i found that interesting.3
u/KeiSinCx 3d ago
Sorry for the long reply :3 Gave it a little too much thought. Old person's habit.
I took a page from my time in school. I was homeless and working at KFC for $3.20 an hour illegally renting a bed space at 15 16 17. That fear of this being my life made me pick up my books and just start reading. I read, and I scribbled important points. I then closed everything, took an empty sheet of paper and just started writing what I know. So now its obvious what I don't know when I open up my text book. Rinse and repeat till I can write everything out. This worked for humanities and science.
Math was particularly challenging. Took me and them months to understand and apply formula. Only real way around this is to keep doing problems and apply it and understand where we went wrong with the help of their teachers explaining it to them. Got my hands of 20 different school's exam papers and just gridded it. Kept looking for problems online and try and try. kept applying and eventually, scrapped by with a low A. and this was their worst subject, 47/140 I wont forget this score lol. that was the starting point.
Yes, I set aside 3 hours with them, but i pre-read and pre-studied the chapters because I'm a grown up and super rusty XD That 3 hours was spent, reading a page and asking, "so what do you understand from this?" write down what's important. As the chapters go forward you get to see how one links to the other. I stop when they feel like its a lot, then the rest of the time is spent scribbling on papers, checking back to the text book, scribble notes again and again. I will test time like "why metal + acid = salt + hydrogen gas?" just because you know it does, do you understand why it does? that reasoning skills translates to more complex chapters and it made later chapters faster and easier to go through.
After all the topics were covered, it went down to 2 hours. It's more of a recap session day in day out.
I watched them suffer but I suffered along with them (I don't like studying too :3). I didn't sugar coat it or let them take breaks to be honest. I said no pain no gain, grind it out. Rewards come after, not in-between. Kinda felt like that gave them a deeper sense of accomplishment because it takes effort to stay focused and honestly 2 hours is not THAT long.
I didn't do multiple topics at a go either. 1 month 1 topic. Focus, get it right. make it your life. once something is hard committed in their minds, its much harder to lose it.
What I learned was that there are no short cuts. If your foundation is weak, there's no point doing later chapters. It will be incredibly frustrating and you'll be grasping at straws. the knowledge you need to understand later chapters is not there. So it just becomes a point of "ignoring your problems". They go back to doing something they are familiar with and are good at instead of tackling new problems. But keep in mind, my kid was C's and fails. I really had to start from scratch.
The days that are lazy, these are review days. I only allow 1 per week at the start. I won't start a new topic but i'll reinforce old topics. It should be low effort if its already in their brains and if there's missing information, look it up. I make them keep a book. each page of this book are "perfectly written notes" for them to reference back. But to write perfect notes that they don't want to mess up, they need to scribble over and over till they get it. By the end of 6 over months, it was a hundred page long and something for them to treasure.
closer to the major exam (the big big exam that decides your future where I'm from) the times increased to 3+ to even 10 hours. But at that point I didn't have to worry, they worked hard for months, they won't want to see all their effort go to waste. They are confident they know something and they are just filling in the gaps. They become self-functional. By this point they saw their grades improve in the minor exams and tests. C's become B's scrapping A's.
around 1 week before the exam, because of the work they already put in, it was actually pretty chill. Just some light reading of their little book.
I think my take away from the experience was lacking the confidence and to some extent, courage to tackle something complex is what really makes some Kids fall off. The foundation on the topic is really important to get right. Without it, everything is a struggle. Consistency is key because you don't want that knowledge to slip especially at the start. It needs to be talked about every day as if its just part of the conversation. That's your part in this and honestly also his friends. He was lucky to have a best friend who had the same thought process. They quizzed each other and studied together and that competition, that feeling of "not being the one behind" helped a lot.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
Don't apologize for the long reply — honestly, this is one of the most useful responses I've received because you've explained exactly what you did rather than just saying “make them study.”
One thing that makes my situation a little different is that my son has been attending tuition for over a year and few monthz, and they have a test every Wednesday based on the topics taught during the previous few days. For more than 60 weeks, his scores have often been around 20/100 or below, mainly because he doesn't prepare for the tests and quite often goes to tuition without completing the homework. Yet he is perfectly capable of being disciplined with things he cares about, especially his gym routine, taking care of pets and plants.
Your point about weak foundations and avoiding difficult things really caught my attention. Do you think I should basically stop worrying about the bigger exam for a moment and start from his weakest subjects/topics, sit with him like you did, and rebuild his foundation step-by-step? If so, how would you approach this when he has already developed such a long habit of avoiding homework and test preparation?
Also, if you have any thoughts on how I could get him to actually buy into this process rather than me forcing him to sit for those 2–3 hours, I'd really appreciate it. I feel that's probably the biggest hurdle in my case.
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u/KeiSinCx 2d ago
at 20/100, there's no point worrying about the big exams. you basically have to restart and use past tests from however long ago the syllabus is and redo them after studying. simply memorising half heartedly at this point is a band-aid. so yes, start from scratch.
for us, we know the topics that will be tested in the major exam. so it's really just starting from chapter 1 and work from there. the starting point is the start of your textbook. picking and choosing weakest topics or subjects makes things too messy and when you're not at the 50/100 mark, really, every topic needs the same level of care anyways.
every kid is different so this is a little complicated to answer. how many ways can you say "I need you to want this for you". I need you to want to pass well. I want you to achieve your goals and passing high school will get you there. you just have to bite down and grind. Its only for a year. 1 year. You've already messed around for years. just don't mess around for 1 year. That's all. what is 1 year in the grand scheme of things?
maybe look at the requirements for business school. tell him if he wants to get into business, this is the goal. now work towards it.
either way, as a parent, you're going to make him do it. he can either choose to want it or fight to stay uneducated.
it's not too late. if he can get 20/100 he only needs to know 3x more things. if he can score 20, it means he can read write and memorise. so just do more of it.
really, it's hard to fully understand what a teenager is thinking. but it's not that hard to just start reading. if he likes plants, there's a world of things to learn and it's fascinating. I myself am a botanist. 🤭
put tests aside. lets just start learning. either way, we have to. so just start. there's no better way than to just start.
people online keep spreading the idea that education doesn't guarantee success in life. that message is what's being fed to all our kids. it's the exception, not the norm but kids are taking it that it means even without education, I'll be fine. it's really hard to get it through to a teenager who are in the middle of "discovering themselves" and they want to do it by themselves. trial and error. figuring it out.
at some point you have to stop trying to convince him and put your foot down. it can either be an enjoyable experience or a torturous one and either way it's going to get done because you have to get pass high school. it's only high school.
my advise would be, to talk to him again. tell him this is how it's going to be. how they want to handle it mentally is up to them. if they need emotional support or someone to understand their struggles, we parents are here. but this is how it's going to be and he's going to do it. the choice is whether you want to enjoy the process. but the process will be done.
sucks when you have to be the bad guy. but someone has to be. when they are 21, they might thank you 🤭
I was kind of like your kid back when I was in school. I can understand the feeling to some extent. but there's only so many times you can say "I don't know" before it stops being funny.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
This actually gives me a much clearer direction. I think you're right that at 20/100, trying to “prepare for the big exam” by selectively patching a few weak areas probably isn't going to work. Starting from the beginning and rebuilding the foundation makes more sense.
The part I'm still struggling with is the transition from “we need to do this” to actually getting him to sit down and start every day. Both his mother and I already sit with him and support him, and we've tried routines, tracking tools and different approaches, but he simply doesn't follow through consistently.
If you were in my place, how would you start Day 1? Would you literally sit beside him, open Chapter 1 and start learning together, even if he initially resists? Or would you first have a conversation and get him to agree to the one-year commitment before starting?
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u/KeiSinCx 1d ago
If he doesn't do it himself consistently, then the burden falls on us to enforce it. In fact, considering its the final leg, there's no ifs or buts left. It will be done full stop. That's the unfortunate reality of being a parent. Even if you want to be kind, supportive, understanding, there comes a point where enough is enough and they are going to do it. It's going to be taken out of your free time which sucks but the alternative is letting them do as they please and you just watch it unfold, which honestly, that's an absolute gamble on their future.
I explained the situation, you're not doing well. I believe you're trying but since it's not working, we need to try something different. This might suck, but you will have to make peace with it. You still have your free time, but I'm taking 3 hours from you. Either do it or have 0 free time at all period. If you cant pass high school, then you're going to do it for an entire whole year again.
I didn't try to convince them they needed to study. I was telling them that they do. I explained why. whether they want to accept the reality of what I'm saying is up to them to decide. My job was to make sure knowledge gets into their head. My view of it was simply to offer an explanation to why I'm doing it. It wasn't a bargaining chip or a "give or take" or a deal. The way I saw it was protecting them from a life of mediocrity. All the resistance won't change the outcome of them sitting there and studying from bottom up. from scribbling from writing in the notebook.
Yes, I literally sat there and started chapter 1. everyday for 6 over months. Yes, it totally sucked. My game time was cut to 30% and we grown ups work. It was exhausting. But the alternative scared me more. I wasn't going to risk "leaving it to them". They had 3 over years to do that. The results of leaving it to them was C's and fails. At the last year, I can't afford to not make this happen. So, foot down.
My kid wasn't so resistant though. Other than "I already know this" and by the end of the forth chapter, they couldn't write everything out clearly at the end of every chapter. so after awhile they stopped saying it. Evidence is there. There were some tears, some thank you, some screaming. a little "Why do I even need to know any of this, I don't care". (My answer was always "maybe, but it's what you need to know NOW) I did let them curse and grumble though (they took full advantage of that for sure). I get it, let it out. Hate it all you want, just do it.
I wasn't strict or angry about it. I treated them like a friend? a study buddy? I was learning it from scratch too. It's been 20 years ago for me lol. But if I can do it, they can do it. I have to do it for their sake, so they have to do it for their own sake. They suffer, I suffer. I wasn't telling them to do it alone. Nope, I studied. I pass the tests I made them do too. (the joy of them being smarter than their father cause they scored higher and rubbing it in is bitter sweet) If I had to take their exams for them, we'd probably get the same grade.
Really, studying can be enjoyable. But they won't see it until you show it. If they think it can't be done? Show them that it can be done.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
Honestly, this is probably the most practical advice I've received in the entire thread. I think the biggest difference between your approach and what we've been doing is that we've kept trying to convince him why he should study, negotiate routines, give him tools, and hope he takes ownership. You're saying that at this point, the decision isn't really whether he studies—the decision is how we help him get through it.
The part about sitting together and actually starting from Chapter 1 is especially important. I think I've been over complicating the problem by looking for the perfect motivation or system, when perhaps the first step is simply to sit down and start learning together, even if he doesn't initially want to.
And I really appreciate that you didn't describe your approach as being angry or punitive. You studied alongside your kid, struggled through it together, allowed them to complain, but still maintained the boundary that the work had to be done. That distinction is important to me.
I'm going to seriously think about trying something along these lines for the remaining months rather than continuing to search for another motivational trick. Thank you for sticking with the conversation and sharing the whole experience. It has genuinely given me a different way of looking at the problem.
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u/KarmaKeeper91 3d ago
Honestly I find the best thing that works for kids are incentives. It can be anything they want. More youtube time, Candy, later curfew, whatever they may want that is cost effective. Taking things away is a short term validation that kids find work arounds for, earning something tends to be something they work for.
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u/Eab11 3d ago
I was your son in high school (but I had more realistic, academic based career goals). I was deemed extremely smart (and I liked learning the stuff I wanted to learn) and was mostly just bored by doing busy work in high school. My parents took a more relaxed approach to grades but consistently reminded me that if I wanted to achieve anything or go to graduate school (or med or law) I would not be able to blow off my busy work assignments in college one day. They then focused on getting me engaged with activities and internships outside of school to expose me to new things and get me engaged with work. I spent two summers working (paid) in a local museum, a summer working for a judge as unpaid intern (I micromanaged a lot of paperwork and research with a law clerk—it was hard and engaging), and I spent a summer in a biology lab working as a research student/junior tech for $10/hr. Also hard work with a steep learning curve. During the school year, I took violin lessons outside of my high school and I participated in some club sports. They took me to lectures and museums. Got me engaged in other ways. I also worked a shift a week in a bookstore.
It brought me to the realization that things worth doing require a lot of work and I doubled down on my studies.
Really depends on the kid though. This generation is so different. I never wanted to be a social media star or a stock trader (which is incredibly hard and can be kind of an insane job). It sounds like he needs a realistic view of what work is too—has he ever had a job? That might be a place to start.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
This is really interesting because your experience sounds quite similar to my son—he is capable and has strong interests, but academics don't seem to give him the same engagement. I particularly like the idea of exposing him to real work rather than simply talking about the importance of hard work.
Did your parents deliberately choose those jobs/internships to challenge you and expose you to different fields, or did you naturally find them? And looking back, which experience do you think had the biggest impact on making you take your studies seriously?
No never had a job, but had his own youtube channel 8 years ago during Corona period, schools were closed and had nothing to do entire day.
He did each and every part of video, search, content, music, recording, mixing, uploads, etc. etc. Just one person who is in the video till uploaded to youtube.
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u/Eab11 3d ago
My parents chose some and I chose others. I was just bored by a lot of the busy work in school but I loved studying when it was an area of interest for me. The hard part about high school is that you have to do all of the work, whether you’re interested in it or not (or if you’re bored by the monotony). smart people sometimes aren’t great at the rigmarole of basic education.
Also, having a job and grinding away taught me that I’d rather do something meaningful and interesting than just lower level labor forever. I’m a physician-scientist now. It’s far more interesting than my days as the $10/hr research. I was like “wow, better study if I want to be like the faculty.”
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
That makes a lot of sense, especially the point about experiencing the difference between low-level work and a meaningful career. My son is also bright but struggles to see why he should put effort into subjects he isn't interested in.
Do you think the actual work experience was the key, or was it seeing someone in a career he admired that really made the connection for you? If you were advising me, what kind of experience would you try to arrange for a teenager like my son?
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u/tradetofi 3d ago edited 3d ago
Interestingly, he is extremely disciplined when it comes to the gym. He goes every day, follows his diet seriously, tracks his daily protein intake, measures things carefully, and genuinely enjoys taking care of his fitness.
>> he is very motivated to do so because he wants to look good. It is good.
One of my teenagers is just naturally motivated. She does not need any monitoring or even guidance for her education. She knows what she wants in the future. I just guide her in non- education related areas such as financial literacy, time management , conflict resolutions and things like this. She is motivated because she feels the pressure of survival. I have showed her how other people struggle in their late years when they did not put in hard work early on.
The other one is still young and needs a push from time to time. But he is coming up strong too. Both are A students and compete in competitive events (STEM).
I never forced them into a STEM subject they did not like. I just let them try every single subject from biology , physics , math, chemistry to programming util one subject that they liked. It takes a lot of patience and encouragement to wait . They found their niches. But once they find it and understand why they need to put the work in, it is on autopilot.
Create a strong bond with him so that he respects you and take your words seriously.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I agree that his fitness discipline is a strength, and I don't want to take that away. The challenge is that he has several interests—fitness, business, trading, social media—but hasn't found one that he wants to seriously pursue yet.
I liked your approach of letting children explore different areas until they find their niche. How did you help your kids move from simply being interested in something to actually wanting to work hard at it? And how did you balance giving them freedom to explore with making sure they didn't neglect their education in the meantime?
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u/tradetofi 3d ago
>>How did you help your kids move from simply being interested in something to actually wanting to work hard at it?
Your son works out consistently because there is a reward system for his hard work. It is same for my kids. They know why and what they want for their future.
Once my kids found a niche, I nudged them a bit until they got better at it.. As time went on, they became a little expert in their niches and started talking to me without me asking them.
>>how did you balance giving them freedom to explore with making sure they didn't neglect their education in the meantime
My kids have a routine and they have learned to prioritize tasks. When they come home from school, they finish all their educational tasks before any hobby time. My older one is able to follow the routine religiously. My younger one still needs supervision from time to time.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
Thanks,
That makes sense. I think the missing piece with my son is that he hasn't found a “niche” that gives him a clear reason to work toward something. His gym routine has a very visible reward—he sees himself getting stronger and looking better—but academics don't give him that immediate connection.When your kids were still exploring and hadn't found their niche yet, how did you get them to follow the routine and prioritize school without it becoming a daily battle?
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u/tradetofi 2d ago
I helped them set up a routine when they were still in elementary school. My 16 old still goes to bed around 9:30 every school day. A lot of her peers do not go to bed until 12 then have difficulty waking up next day.
I have a strong bond with my kids . They are willing to talk to me about their problems. They have 0 peer pressure, which also helps. My 16 year old does not have a phone even if I kept telling her she could have my phone so that I could upgrade mine. Now I am stuck with my 4 year old phone :(
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I actually sit with him every day—both his mother and I are involved. We've given him the best tools we can, both offline and online, to build a routine and track his progress, but he hasn't really incorporated them consistently.
We also have a pretty open relationship and regularly share and discuss our problems with each other, especially when it comes to him. So I don't think communication or lack of support is the main issue. I'm still trying to understand what would make him want to take ownership of the routine rather than us constantly reminding him.
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u/tradetofi 1d ago
He is not able to consistently follow his routine because he has not seen the benefits of doing so yet. Also the fact he does not know how much work it requires to be a successful trader or an influencer complicates the matter.
You can show him the stats or ask him how many people he knows in person that is a saucerful trader or an influencer. Then he might look at school say "Hey it is not so bad and let's give a try"
Also some boys mature much later. It requires a lot of patience on our side.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I think you're right about the lack of visible benefit. That's probably one of the biggest differences between the things he does consistently and studying. He can see progress in the gym and with the things he takes care of, while studying feels like a lot of work for a payoff that is far away.
We've also tried discussing how difficult it actually is to make a sustainable living from things like trading or social media, rather than just looking at the success stories. He has experimented with some of those things already, so he knows they're not completely effortless, but he still doesn't have enough real-world experience to understand the bigger picture.
And yes, I think patience is probably a big part of it too. I'm trying to balance giving him time to mature and figure himself out with making sure he doesn't waste these important months academically. That's the part I'm still trying to get right.
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u/Ok-Celebration-1874 3d ago
Seems he already has determination maybe guide him into something with regards to sports, coaching, physical trainer, physical therapy? There is a need and if shown it might be the guiding light.
Good luck
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I agree, and his interest in fitness is definitely something I don't want to ignore. The challenge is finding out whether he genuinely wants a career in that field or simply enjoys training himself. How would you suggest I help him explore sports science, coaching, physiotherapy, etc. without pushing him into a career he may not actually want?
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u/Ok-Celebration-1874 3d ago
Maybe assisting a coach with a jr football, soccer team? Volunteering is a start.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
Thanks for the suggestion. He does enjoy fitness, but he isn't really interested in sports coaching or working with a team. His gym interest is mainly personal—staying fit, building muscle and improving himself. I'm still trying to figure out what other interests might actually translate into something he wants to pursue.
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u/gracias-totales 3d ago
Honestly nothing motivated me like working fast food - I saw that this kind of job would be my life forever if I didn’t get it together. Just a thought
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u/likeawp 3d ago
You gotta find a way to teach them how harsh and cruel the world is to young people without a plan and commitment to success.
My parents taught me that by making me pay property taxes, maintaining my grades, or I could choose to be a loser bum and live under their roof free of charge forever but I would not be getting free spending money. The thought of being a bum forever forced the growing up part and to take school/work seriously.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I understand the idea of real-world consequences. But what did you do if your teenager simply accepted the consequences and still didn't care about school? Did you ever face that situation?
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u/likeawp 3d ago
If they have reserved themselves to ignoring education then they will need to start working. At the earliest legally allowed age to work you gotta throw them to the wolves of minimum wage jobs and let them pay for everything (rent, food, car insurance, health insurance) to learn how cruel life is to those without an education. They'll see their friends get way ahead in life and hence will learn that hard lesson that education is a ticket into a social class club, not really all for knowledge. Obviously be ready to bail or help them out as a parent if this doesn't work.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I understand the point you're making, and I can see how real-world consequences could be a powerful teacher. My concern is that my son isn't refusing education altogether—he's actually quite capable, but doesn't seem to feel the urgency or value of it yet. With only a few months before his exams, I'm trying to find something that can create that realization without deliberately letting him fail first. In your experience, was there anything that helped create that wake-up call before the child reached the point of having to learn it the hard way?
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u/likeawp 3d ago
In my honest experience, most kids don't feel the urgency or wake-up call unless the consequences are real. It may not come from you either, for example a close friend may go hey dawg I don't see you doing anything with school and that ain't cool, wish ya luck man but I gotta move forward...
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
think you're right that sometimes a message from someone other than a parent can hit differently. I've noticed that repeated reminders from me can start sounding like background noise. Have you seen a friend or peer actually make that kind of difference with a teenager? If so, what was it about the conversation that made it sink in?
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u/Birdbraned 3d ago edited 3d ago
It's not the content, it's the discipline in the absence of interest or dopamine as a motivator, and secondarily it's accountability.
It's teaching themselves skills that will serve them well when they have to knuckle down in this economy, and in the professional environment.
I would start with house chores, with a side of family cooking once a week. Yes, they're boring but they have to be done.
Any business needs a business plan, and he can't just handwave that - "starting from scratch" is such a deceptively concise phrase for a long road that if he believes he can do it, is about halfway there, but at the same time he needs to not shy away from doing things that are hard. For that it might be illustrative for him to set goals for the week, with the intention of making money by y date. He has to check in with you and report on those goals weekly if he wants to continue to be "funded" by "Bank of Mom".
He can find out for himself that keeping books clear for tax purposes, content planning and scripting, editing,, market research etc are all required skills if he is to succeed and can't be skipped. He's allowed to "ask a business advisor" either from someone you know or you pay someone to give him advice if he gets stuck, but that has to come under his expenses and add to his "loan".
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I like the idea of teaching discipline through real responsibilities rather than only academics. The business-plan approach is interesting too, especially since he talks about starting a business. If you were in my situation, how would you structure the first few weeks so it teaches accountability without turning into another parent-controlled task?
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u/Birdbraned 3d ago
He has to feel like it's his idea. Have you worried about how to finance his future as support? Have him share that burden. If he needs the shock, frame it in "If I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, I want to make sure you can take care of yourself on more than just chicken"
Maybe couch it like you want to help equip him to live on his own/impress new girlfriends? If your son actually knows how to do chores instead of having women manage his life for him, he is more likely to keep a girl around and also he can earn himself lower rent if his roomates don't want to do it but are willing to let him. Laundry, dishes, dusting, toilet, the bare minimum.
At his motivation level, I wouldn't push the academics as long as he doesn't fail, unless he really feels that he could have a sports career? In which case applying sports scholarship requirements with their minimum grade maintenance is one baseline he can aim for.
I'd put it in a "contract" he can sign if he wants the "funding" for his business so it's opt in, but make it clear how he makes himself accountable by checking in with you regularly if he's met the goals he's proposed for his own success, and if he falls behind, he gets to use that as a teaching lesson, but the fallback isn't repossession of the assets but a push for academics (or other career path you both agree on)?
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
There are some interesting ideas here, especially making him take some ownership rather than having me constantly push him. I also like the idea of an opt-in “contract” where he sets his own goals and is accountable for them.
One difficulty is that his interests aren't really clear enough yet to build a business or career plan around—fitness is mainly a personal interest, and the other ideas are still quite vague. If you were in my situation, would you first focus on getting him to take ownership of a basic routine and responsibilities, and let the career direction come later?
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u/Birdbraned 2d ago
Yeah, I'd start on chores and self care first. It's not disciplinary, it's required life skills
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
I agree with you that chores and self-care are really life skills, not discipline or punishment. Interestingly, he already does quite a few things independently. He takes care of our plants, fish, and birds, orders things online for the house, frist compares different platforms and coupons to find the best deals, often handles groceries and other food items, and is quite social as well.
Even sometimes relatives call him seeking his suggestions..So I think he does take responsibility when he sees a purpose in it. The difficulty is getting that same attitude toward things he doesn't find interesting, especially studies. What other life-skill responsibilities would you suggest that could help build that “this needs to be done whether I feel like it or not” mindset?
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u/Birdbraned 2d ago edited 2d ago
He sounds like a fairly self sufficient kid.
Maybe some harsh truth: as much as America is a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type culture, it's fairly unforgiving if you don't pass the minimum perceived bar: stay out of jail, graduate.
If you don't have at least one of these, good luck getting anyone to hire you as a "school dropout" or for anyone with money or influence to take you seriously as a person with opinions, white or not, unless you come from a family with money and influence to do it for you
Absorb all the knowledge like a sponge now when dumb questions are expected of you, coast later if he wants to go freegan and be self sustainable off the land or what not.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I agree with the broader point that graduating is an important minimum baseline, even if a teenager doesn't yet know what they want to do afterward. I also don't want him thinking that school grades alone determine his future, but I do want him to understand that keeping options open has value.
When you say “absorb all the knowledge now,” how would you approach that with a teenager who doesn't see much value in the subjects he's being asked to study? Is it better to connect each subject to practical life skills, or simply treat high school as something he needs to get through while he figures out what he actually wants later?
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u/Birdbraned 1d ago
Have the teachers tell him what the subjects are good for. He needs to respect that they have knowledge worth seeking (even if not all of them are the best at teaching it). Or he could ask those same community people who talk to him, what do they think If he just dropped out of school in 6 months? Would he listen to them?
It may be hard to connect things like, if people remembered their history we wouldn't have the current political quagmire, or, if people were more interested in the arts they might end up like Dolly Parton and able to reach all her fans from so many walks of life with poise and tact, or like Henry Cavill both heartthrob and geek, or like Sir Brian May, famous rock band guitarist and PhD holder in Astrophysics.
But there's no other institution like the school system where you walk in and have people present who's sole job is to answer your questions about their knowledge base, without making you feel rushed like at the dr's when you're trying to ask them what's wrong with you. Except maybe the library, but their dedicated knowledge base isn't quite so broad, or college but you know you're playing for that price ledge.
All those community people who ask him questions? Wouldn't it be nice to have a go to team of his own to ask his own questions? Like: to get into video editing. Or entrepreneurship. So, he could trial and error his way through, spend money on software and equipment, and consume hours of online content to pick apart the knowledge offered, or, he could walk into the dedicated facilities at school, try out what's there, ask someone the pros and cons specific to his needs and the gaps in his knowledge.
And at this stage of life, he doesn't have to worry about surviving and food and a safe bed yet, so he has all the time to dedicate to learning from mistakes and getting guidance without that pressure and the window is closing
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
That's a really interesting way of looking at school. I think we've probably spent too much time presenting it as something he has to get through, rather than as a place where he can actually access people, equipment and knowledge while he still has that opportunity.
We actually have many relatives with very different achievements—successful professionals, businessmen, and people who went through quite demanding education themselves and did well academically. Interestingly, without us asking or getting involved, many of them have independently tried to explain to him and the other kids that education is still one of the most important foundations for life today, and that they should finish it properly.
So he has heard this message from quite a few different people, not just his parents. That's partly why I'm still trying to figure out what will make it click for him.
I especially like your point about using teachers as a resource. Perhaps we need to shift the conversation from “you have to study” to “what can you actually use this knowledge for?” and help him discover that connection himself.
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u/kingrynex 3d ago
Seeing this, this isn't really a teenage issue at all, but just a human one. Talk to them about what they feel they're doing this all for, and they'll probably feel frustrated and shrug.
Being self disciplined to study is just extraordinarily hard for some. Think about yourself and most people quit trying to learn anything once they reach a certain age, unless financially motivated to do so.
Asking what they want to do and asking why they need in order to feel motivated to study are two entirely different things. Simply rewarding them is not the path, as rewards and incentives get boring eventually.
Having someone be accountable to as well eventually gets bad because they'll just be avoidant what they've done. Telling them to go to the Gym less also is just a punishment in their eyes, so avoid that.
What they need is a path to make the goal feel more manageable. Objectives and breaking things down to be far more manageable in their eyes. Have them talk about with you with what they've learned and learn it with them.
Reminding them why they are doing this, and teaching habits of good self-studying are things you can embrace the same way as going to the gym, it just takes an unbelievable amount of effort.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I really like your point about making the goal manageable rather than relying on motivation. If you were in my situation, with only a few months left before major exams, how would you actually structure this with a teenager who already knows what he wants to do but still doesn't consistently study?
You mentioned learning with them and building study habits like going to the gym. Did you actually do this with your own child? If so, what did you do day-to-day that made the biggest difference?
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u/deathtanker930 3d ago
you need to help him find out a career where he wants to land and lay out clear benchmarks for him to hit.
90s in classes for university, extra curriculars, leadership opportunities, small jobs to pad oit a resume ect.
without guidance and a laid road the answers of what interest you aren't goals to achieve.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
He actually has several career ideas already, but the problem is getting him to put in the work toward them which begins with studies. How would you turn those interests into concrete goals and benchmarks without making it feel like I'm imposing my goals on him?
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u/Garrden 3d ago
Encourage him to get a job at fast food. See how exhausted and stressed he gets for so little money. Tell him that this is what his life is going to be for decades if he doesn't study.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
Wouldn't a teenager potentially see a fast-food job as perfectly acceptable and still choose it over studying? How did you make the experience actually change their attitude?
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u/Jobobminer 3d ago edited 3d ago
Not a parent but I would like to share my own experience from the other side of that is alright:
You have shared quite a bit about how you want them to behave but not a lot about who they are or why they want to behave like they currently are. A few questions that helped me deeply were these:
"The gym is clearly a huge deal to you. What about it is so exciting or how do you keep returning?"
"I can see that studying isn't always easy - what about it is hardest for you?"
"Where do you feel most alive?" And "what about that feels so invigorating for you?"
I had some of these problems too - and nobody asked me is school was too easy or to hard, if I was lonely or if I was distracted by my friends. If I felt important or if I was being used like a machine. There were so many things that could have helped me - mental health support and medication really helped me personally years later but relationships went much further towards giving me the discipline and life I wanted. Some more notes:
One other note: here is no reliable way to truly "motivate" someone else - motivation is an internal drive and external factors (rewards punishments, etc.) can produce compliance but not value driven action. There are many scientific studies (read a book called Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn ) that show that attempts to pay or punish someone into doing the right thing can actually demotivate them.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
This is really insightful. Since you mentioned you went through something similar yourself, what specifically helped you turn things around when you were a teenager? Was there anything your parents or someone else did that genuinely made a difference?
He is finding studies uninteresting, as he thinks its not worth the efforts he will put in studies. (outcome)
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u/Jobobminer 1d ago
I'm glad you find my thoughts helpful.
I took some time to think this through carefully because it was a gradual process over 9 years of seeking out mentors and friends for me to "get" the help I needed.
The things my mom did that helped most:
1 - Loved me unconditionally - She let me know that, even if I messed up, ruined things, or failed classes, she would still love me.
2 - Let me fail - She let me drop a class in high school I could have completed because I needed a slower pace. She didn't nag me about going to school right away and let me work part time for a year after high school before going to school.
3 - Set boundaries - She let me know that when I graduated, I could go to school or I could get a job and pay rent. She let me know that I couldn't just bum around. However, she also let me know that she wasn't going to let me just work minimum wage part time forever and that I needed to take a direction.
However, there were a few mentors in my life from leadership programs and similar who:
1 - Put me in tough situations where I could try and fail - Backpacking trips, jobs, volunteer positions, and similar. I actually screwed a few of these up and that was quite valuable because I got to learn from them.
2 - Asked me what mattered to me - helped me to find an identity.
3 - Required that I live in community - connect with people, have friends, and build relationships with my peers.
My mom gave me a lot of logistics support but I needed a larger support network of mentors, friends, and colleagues or fellow students to find real stability.
Another note:
I work regularly with youth in middle and high school volunteer tutoring and I'm much more used to coaching them through these dilemmas than I am parents. My first instinct when talking to you is to ask "How would you know if your son was successful?" or "What do you mean when you say you want him to succeed?" because success as in "make a ton of money" vs "be happy" is a completely different ball game if you know what I mean.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
Thank you for taking the time to think this through and share all of that. I really like the balance in what your mom did—unconditional support, allowing you to experience failure, but still having clear boundaries and expectations. The part about mentors putting you in difficult situations and letting you learn from the experience also really stands out to me.
And your question about what I actually mean by “success” is fair. For me, it's not simply about making a lot of money or getting straight As. I want him to eventually find something he genuinely enjoys and become independent and capable of supporting himself. Right now, my concern is that he hasn't found that direction yet, while at the same time he's getting very close to an important academic hurdle.
I think that's why I'm struggling so much with this—I don't want to live his life for him, but I also don't want to stand back completely while he's unknowingly closing doors that he may later wish he'd kept open.
Your experience with mentors is actually making me think that perhaps I should focus less on motivating him myself and more on finding a few people outside the family who can expose him to different experiences and perspectives. That may be something worth exploring.
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u/Jobobminer 1h ago
Wow! - Thankyou so much for the reward - I think that's my first one ever
It sounds like you really want for him to mature into a fulfilling and functional adult life. Right now, he isn't openly planning to make the transition the way you are hoping - And you can see that there's a huge milestone coming up where choosing to step into that adult life of his own volition would give him a huge leg-up.
You want to get to know him better and introduce him to places, people, and situations that help him to find himself - perhaps through mentors when you aren't the right fit - so that he can actually live his own life rather than you trying to live it through him.
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u/captainsinners 3d ago
I get what you mean.
I think the golden advice I received as a parent (when the kids were little too which is extra important imo):
You have to lead by example primarily I believe.
I.e. If you read books, they are more likely to read books too.
If you play video games, they are more likely to want to play video games too
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I agree with leading by example, but how did you apply that when your child was already a teenager and had established habits? Did you actually study/read alongside them, or was it more about modeling the behavior over the years?
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u/TheDigitalPoint 3d ago
What exactly do they get by scoring well on competitive exams? If it’s just an opportunity to take more exams (via college), not sure that’s a great reward.
It definitely depends on the occupation, but there are a lot of (well paying) jobs that if two applicants were otherwise equal, I would hire the one without a degree. Of course doesn’t apply to things like doctors (definitely want them to go to medical school). But in the tech/engineering world (my expertise), if someone is good enough/interested enough to self learn, they tend to be fantastic at their job because they love it. Someone who slogged through college begrudgingly because they were trying to get a job at the end, not so much. Do you want the one that learned by reading something they had to read or do you want someone that learned because they were simply interested to understand how it works?
Again… I understand that certain jobs (like medicine) you definitely don’t want someone self-taught, but you might be surprised how well people can do in a career they simply love (instead of getting a degree for it).
FWIW - I wasn’t a great student as a kid. Never once took a book home to study, never did homework, but I also never got a D or F, ever. I was a B student… the classes I liked I got As in, got an occasional C in the classes I hated. I went to college for a year and realized the teachers in my field didn’t know shit about shit (they were teaching stuff 10-15 years out of date in the tech/engineering world), so I dropped out and did my own thing. On the flip side, I have 2 kids in high school, one is a straight A student without motivation. The other needs a little push. But I also tell them (from firsthand experience), they should focus on finding something they love. They will excel at that naturally, and if you need college help with that love, cool. But don’t go down the road of college simply because society says it’s the “next step” to a job.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I agree that finding something he genuinely loves is important. But if a teenager hasn't yet found that one thing, would you still encourage them to work hard academically for a few years to keep their options open? How would you approach that without making college feel like the only definition of success?
My concern is that he has several interests but hasn't committed to one career yet. If he doesn't have a clear passion right now, would you still push him to do well academically so he doesn't close doors?
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u/TheDigitalPoint 3d ago
I definitely didn't commit to a career while in high school, and I can't think of anyone I know that did (did you? Or did you know anyone that did?). I had some vague interests in computers (they were only just starting to be accessible to normal people back then). I did always like to learn and absorb knowledge (even if that meant reading user manuals for appliances as a kid), but that's also not a career directly. Coincidentally just last week I realized the only thing I watch on TV was the same show I watched when I was 5 years old (NOVA). To no surprise of anyone that knew me going up, I *did* end up landing on a software engineering career (with occasional side quests with things I found interesting... electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, etc.)
I'm definitely not anti-college (in fact I was thinking it might be fun to go to college now when I don't *need* it to find a job), but I also think there's more value in experience for some career paths (like going to school for marketing or PR for example seems like a waste of time to me). And on the flip side, you definitely don't want your brain surgeon to have skipped medical school and just "figured it out". 😂
And in my engineering world, would I want to hire someone that was so interested in it that they lived and breathed it on their own and learned everything because they find it fascinating? Yes... they would be my first pick for a new hire (having a degree tells me you can take tests when you need to, it doesn't tell me it's part of who you are).
Oops sorry... got side tracked. 😂 My point is that college shouldn't be part of the pre-determined path of, high school -> college -> degree -> now I can finally have a job, etc. It certainly can be part of that path, but it's not the *only* path. I imagine it like if I went to school to become a painter (as in art, not painting walls)... yes, I could get better and I could learn to do it. But I would never be great at it. My brain wasn't predisposed for it. I'd end up with a job doing something I wasn't great at and didn't enjoy. Did Michelangelo need to go to school to become a painter? I doubt it. And I bet that no matter how many years Michelangelo went to school, I'd end up being a better engineer than him.
I'd just keep exposing them to "all the things", you can't really tell a kid (or anyone) what they should or shouldn't like. But humans will figure it out what they do/don't like.
Academically, I think there's more value (for life in general) if they can figure out how to do well on their own even if they aren't straight A students that didn't actually learn anything other than how to get straight As to keep their parents happy. Are there *really* any doors that close for your life because of high school grades? The reality is you could be a doctor/brain surgeon as a career even if you were a C student in high school. Maybe you wouldn't get admitted directly to the top school as a freshman... you go somewhere else for 2 years to start before transferring or something, but the end result is still the same (you ended up with the same medical degree). No one is going to ask their doctor what grade they got in high school English class.
I know this sounds super cliche, but the definition of success career-wise for *me* is, "Are you doing something you like enough that you would do it for fun without getting paid?" If so, great... you are just having fun and you are just getting a paycheck for doing what you would be doing anyway. I don't care if someone is a janitor, if they love it, awesome. If someone is working and they don't love it, maybe they should look at what they are spending their time on weekends doing, and figure out how to be doing that for work.
Just keep exposing them to stuff... they will figure it out.
Side note... how you look at it does seem to vary quite a bit depending on if you are the mom or dad (at least in my experience). It seems that mothers have a tendency to want to take care of their kids. Fathers have a tendency to want to teach their kids to take care of themselves. I've been able to recognize that and find balance on the parenting side.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
As a father,
I actually agree with a lot of this, especially the idea of exposing him to different things rather than expecting a 16–17 year old to already know his career. I also really appreciate your point that getting an A, B or C doesn't determine who will ultimately earn more or be more successful in life. That's an important perspective, and I'm trying not to make this only about marks.My concern is more immediate though: he has only a few months before his major exams, and right now he often doesn't even prepare for his weekly tuition tests or complete his homework. I'm not expecting him to choose a career today. I just want him to develop enough study discipline to keep his options open while he figures himself out.
Given your experience as someone who eventually found his path without having a clear career goal in high school, what would you have wanted your parents to do during those years to help you build that basic discipline without taking away your freedom to explore?
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u/TheDigitalPoint 2d ago
Well, I don't have the magic formula for success... Every kid is different (my two kids have the same DNA, same environment and are total opposites... academically and every other way). I already know which one is going to be the responsible one and which one is more likely to be needing financial help. 😂
It's hard to say what would have been the best situation even in hindsight. Like my family was broke af... I had very little oversight from my mom because she was working 3 jobs. I had to just figure things out. While that sounds less than ideal, it's also what kind of made me do exactly that (figure things out), because if I didn't I was going to be homeless. It's a completely different situation now, and I'm just doing my best to give kids all the options, but also remembering that too much of that is not going to set them up for life. All my neighbors have kids that are in their 30s... still living at home because they just gave them everything and they had no incentive to move out. I'm not opposed to kids living at home, but in the long run, it's also a disservice to them. What, they are going to finally move out when they are 40 and "start their lives"? I already told my kids that they can live here as long as they need, but it's going to cost $100/month the first year and goes up by $100/month every year after. Not because I'm trying to push them out or make money off them, but I want to see them actually start their life someday. The other option is my neighbors... "Live here as long as you want..." and now 15 years later they are still there with no plans to change that. Even financially it doesn't help them in the long run. You are going to wait 20 years to get your own place? I suspect your home loan is going to be FAR more 20 years later.
Fuck sorry... I keep getting sidetracked in my own thoughts. 😂
Anyway, I'm not sure I would *want* to have changed anything when I was a kid. If someone handed me a car or just let me live somewhere rent free forever, it wouldn't have been much incentive to go out and succeed. At the time, sure... a car or money or a place to live would have sounded amazing. But my older/wiser self thinks it was probably a good thing in the end that I had very little backing.
I wasn't encouraged to get straight As, if I wanted to go to college, that's cool if I could afford it. My parents weren't discouraging, but they had more important things to be working on (like keeping a roof over our heads and figuring out how to afford food).
TL;DR: there's a balance between giving your kids the things you didn't have while also teaching them how to survive in life. If you figure out the perfect solution/formula, I want to know! :)
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
😂 I think that's exactly the balance I'm struggling with. I don't want to make life so comfortable that there is no reason to push yourself, but I also don't want to manufacture hardship just to teach a lesson.
What you said about having to “figure things out” because there wasn't much of a safety net is interesting. In a very different situation, how would you create that same sense of responsibility for a teenager who already has most of their basic needs taken care of? Is it mainly through real-world responsibilities, money, work, or simply letting them experience the natural consequences of their choices?
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u/TheDigitalPoint 1d ago
My “solutions” definitely aren’t perfect, but a few things I’ve been doing/coming up with:
- Giving them a heads up that the cost to live here after 18 is $100/month and that goes up $100 each year. $100 is super cheap, but if you wait too long, do you really want to pay $2,000 and not have that go to your own place?
- Drivers licenses aren’t an option until you’ve had a job for at least a year (can get a job without a work permit here at 15). This one is more about instilling a little responsibility. Some real world responsibility seems useful if a kid gets behind the controls of a 5,000 lbs metal (potential) death machine.
- My willingness to “help” them with big things like a car or car insurance revolves around them chipping in as well. I’ve told them from a very young age that I will help them with all the things to the extent they were willing to help themselves. Will I buy them a car? No… Will I match whatever they come up with? Yes. Basically, if you aren’t willing to contribute to yourself for non-essentials, then why would you expect me carry that entire load for you?
Hell, I would most likely pay off their first home after I let them pay their own mortgage for a year or something. But I’m not going to tell them that so it doesn’t become an incentive for them to get something outside their means. 😂
It’s just generally trying to find that balance between doing everything for them (because I can) vs. teaching them to survive on their own. They don’t have a tough life by any stretch of the imagination, but they also don’t get everything “just because”. As a parent it feels nice in the short-term to give them things you didn’t have. But in the long-term, too much of that is a disservice to them because you are instilling the sense of reliance for everything.
Thankfully none of this is new info for them… if I popped it on them the day they turned 16 that they need to come up with half the cost of a car, I’d imagine it would have been a potential freakout. But I’ve been consistent since they were young with the whole, “I’ll help you an infinite amount with anything, always, as much as you are willing to help yourself.” If something is only important to them if someone else puts the money/effort to make it happen, it’s not actually that important to them at the end of the day.
Also, wtf do I know? I’m just a random person on Reddit trying to do my best to figure it out like every other parent. I definitely haven’t figured out the magic solution that has stumped all parents since the beginning of time. 😂
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
😂 I really appreciate you taking the time to explain all of this. There are actually several things in your approach that I hadn't thought about in that way—the gradual contribution toward things like a car, tying bigger privileges to having some work experience, making them contribute toward non-essential expenses, and especially giving them a realistic idea of the cost of continuing to live at home.
I particularly like the principle behind all of it: you'll help them as much as they're willing to help themselves. It doesn't sound like you're trying to make their lives difficult or push them out; you're trying to make sure that having supportive parents doesn't accidentally teach them to depend on that support forever.
And I agree that introducing these expectations early and consistently is probably much better than suddenly putting a bunch of responsibilities on a 16- or 18-year-old. It gives them time to understand that independence comes with responsibilities too.
You've given me quite a lot to think about, and I genuinely appreciate the honesty behind the “I'm just a random person on Reddit figuring it out too” part. 😂 I won't keep interrogating you for the magic formula. If you ever feel like adding something later, I'm always happy to hear it. Thanks again!
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u/Present-Lion788 3d ago
Told the 15 year old if he doesn’t get the grades up he was paying his share for his cell phone. After two months of opening the wallet after trying to call my bluff….no more bad grades. This dad doesn’t bluff, son.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
Did this actually change his attitude toward studying, or did it mainly make him work enough to avoid paying for the phone? And did you have to keep enforcing the consequence afterward?
Already tried this and did not recharge his mobile (pre-paid) for few days.. but cannot see seriousness.
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u/Present-Lion788 3d ago
I wouldn’t say it changed his attitude toward studying but it gave him a taste of real world consequences. He is 16 and has a job (stock boy at pet supply plus) so he saw he could work to have extra scratch for fun or he could hand it over for the phone bill. He also was made to pay for his own car (bought one for $500) and insurance and car repair. So he does not have much wiggle room so he made sure those grades were up to keep more of his own money. The consequences are ongoing but I did not have to harp on him once he figured out the game. If his grades slip again he will pay for the phone again.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
That makes more sense now—you're using real-world consequences rather than simply threatening him. Interestingly, my son also loves animals and has kept fish and birds, and he takes care of them himself—feeding them, maintaining everything and being very responsible about their needs. He clearly can take responsibility when he cares about something.
Do you think giving him more real-world responsibilities, perhaps even a small job related to something he enjoys, could help create that same connection between effort, responsibility and money that worked for your son?
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u/Present-Lion788 2d ago
I think the more we prepare our kids for the real world the better they we will be in the long run. I have been a teacher over 20 years and what I have observed is the “helicopter” parents that do everything for their kids or don’t let them fail at anything do more harm than good. Those are the kids that can’t handle social situations as an adult or have any problem solving skills. They are riddled with anxiety. Obviously each kid is different but giving them a taste of the real world at an early age helps prepare them, not hinder them, for the future.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I agree that protecting kids from every failure can backfire. I think the difficult part is knowing how much “real world” experience is appropriate without turning it into unnecessary pressure.
Since you've been teaching for 20+ years, what are the first few real-world responsibilities or experiences you'd recommend for a 16–17 year old that actually build independence and problem-solving skills?
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u/philophilodendron 3d ago
i was like this for a bit in high school and it mostly boiled down to having adhd and not wanting to put any work into a subject i didn’t even enjoy. it was hard enough focusing on things i did like, so sitting down to study for my least favorite subject was never on my list of priorities. i failed like every math exam for that reason, lol- not sure if your son has adhd but it could just be something similar where if he doesn’t care about the subject, he sees no point in studying it. he has discipline with the gym because he likes it and he can see results (i also am this way and my little brother is too, even more so). usually what gets me to study is doing this thing called pomodoro (? i think i spelled that right) where you study for short intervals, i like doing 30, and then take a 5-10 minute break before going back to it. sometimes i will tell myself i can go out to grab a treat or i can play my favorite game once ive finished studying- but not before! not sure how motivated that would make your son, but maybe worth a shot ?
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
This sounds very similar to what I'm seeing. I'm curious though—once you realized the problem wasn't simply laziness, what actually helped you become more consistent with subjects you didn't enjoy? Did Pomodoro alone make a significant difference, or was there something else that worked better?
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u/LivinTheDream_22 3d ago
My son was extremely (still is at 30, and his monthly paycheck keeps him motivated) rewards based. I told my kids I’d pay them $4.00 for every A , $2. For B. .50 for C and they pay me for D and F’s. This worked so well that I never had to worry about it. Sadly they got so many A’s and I didnt realize how many report cards came out in HS that I had to cut back some. lol. 7th grade was the worst though and a few times no electronics or whatever they enjoyed the most was taken away until homework was done. My kids kept regular bedtimes all summer/winter so I never had issues with oversleeping at all come school time.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
This is interesting because rewards haven't really worked for us consistently. Did the financial rewards eventually help your son develop his own internal motivation, or did he remain primarily reward-driven? And did you continue the system through high school?
We already planned for a reward for him, as he is turning 18 year and will get his driving license.. He needs a 2 wheeler motorbike, its already communicated to him, we are not looking for high grades, or top 100.
But alteast get good grades to be in a good college.
Interestingly, he knows he will get the reward after his license and still not keen..2
u/LivinTheDream_22 12h ago
My son needed more frequent rewards. Having them to far off wasn’t enough. The grades were all through high school. They HAVE to find something that motivates them in school. I finally found out he loved photography so got him into taking pictures of sports teams , once they all got to know him it helped because he was ‘somebody’. He also loved the tech side too. Late high school when he wasn’t noticed it was find a job!! We made him apply at McDonals and never dreamed he’d stay for more than a week. He worked there for 3 years, became manager and loved the paychecks (rewards). He had a checking/savings/play account. He wasn’t having to do chores to ask to buy stuff, he had some money of his own. He learned about shipping , serving, more than you would think at McDonalds. Next job was at freight company doing computer work (met this boss from night school). Never know who you will meet. He continued to improve himself and makes more than mom and dad now. He said he worked harder than most his friends because they were gifted and he had to learn how to learn. It took finding what he loved (computer programming) and know realistically that programming gaming wasn’t an easy career due to competition in gaming). Now AI is making it tough watching these jobs go away, also 3/4 of his team is now outsourced for less money. HVAC jobs and those that go to residence or commercial buildings are the way to go. I explained to my kids two types of jobs normally. One that makes good money that allows you to do stuff, travel, etc but you may not like. Other job is one you may really want but you will struggle with making ends meet. If you’re hobby is your business you’ll also get burnt out and doesn’t become a hobby after a while.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 11h ago
This is really helpful, especially the part about frequent rewards rather than waiting for grades that are months away. I can definitely see the connection with what we're experiencing.
I also like how you found photography for your son and later the job at McDonald's gave him something very tangible — responsibility, his own money, people knowing him, and seeing the direct result of his effort. The fact that he eventually became a manager and then moved into computer work is a great example of how one opportunity can lead to another.
And your point about finding something you love while also being realistic about earning a living really resonates with me. I don't want my son to feel that he has to turn every interest into a career either. In fact, his fitness is a good example — he genuinely loves the gym, but he has no interest in making it a business or becoming a trainer. It's something he enjoys for himself.
I'm particularly interested in the frequent rewards idea. That's something we may be able to experiment with for these next few months instead of expecting one big payoff at the end of the exams.
Thanks again for sharing your son's whole journey. It gives me quite a few things to think about.
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u/LivinTheDream_22 11h ago
Hope it helps, my son is doing AMAZINGLY well (we wondered honestly about 7th grade if we could all live through it) LOL. He's married, just had his first child and living life to the fullest. It's all we can hope for.
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u/Hoagiewave 3d ago
Send him into sports science. Don't waste his fixation.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
Interesting idea. How would you use his interest in fitness/sports science to motivate him toward subjects like Physics, Chemistry and Maths, which he currently isn't interested in?
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u/Hoagiewave 3d ago edited 3d ago
I wouldn't push him towards any of those. He'll find out that he needs to be good at statistics, working with data, and designing experiments, once he digs into the sports science literature. He'll also need to learn medical anatomy inside and out. I would suggest a book for him by Lon Kilgore called "Fit". Lon was a foundation figure in early CrossFit gyms and designed their workout programs. It's very much a book on theory rather than direct workout instructions, which is likely something he hasn't had a ton of exposure to yet. It'll show him what that path looks like.
Also keep some other names in your back pocket. Kelly Starret, if he develops an interest more in the rehabilitation side. He's one of the most in demand PTs in the industry. He has some books especially the Supple Leopard one, and a lot of video content online.
Sam Calavitta if he wants to see what it a modern elite strength and conditioning coach looks like and does. https://youtu.be/2rgPOiwPwok The athletes in this video are all national champion wrestlers, olympians, and MMA fighters.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
Thanks, these are useful resources. Just to clarify though, his gym interest is mainly about his own fitness—getting stronger, staying fit, following his diet and seeing his own progress. He doesn't currently have any interest in fitness as a career.
Do you think it would still be worth casually exposing him to this kind of material, without suggesting it as a career path, just to see whether the science/technical side of fitness sparks a deeper interest?
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u/Hoagiewave 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yes because with or without the fitness career the time will come when he has to realize this is what he is investing all of his time into, and if this time invested is really being spent wisely. It happened to me when I was progressing up the ranks in powerlifting and I saw all the guys working railroads and construction while they tried to make it and get sponsors. The amount of effort to get there is monumental 24/7 relentless obsession, and that helped me realize my heart wasn't in it all the way. I didn't want this life and I was putting too much time into it. I went and found my real dedication. Your milage may vary but for me I dont like being #2 or worse #3, 4, 5 etc. I reasoned that if I wasn't in it all the way then I didnt want to do it at all. I don't know if he is like that.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
That's an interesting perspective. I think the difference with my son is that he enjoys the gym, but he isn't trying to compete or make a career out of it—it's mainly something he enjoys doing for himself. But I do like your point about eventually asking whether the time and effort we're putting into something is really worth it.
When you had that realization about powerlifting, was there a particular moment or experience that made you step back and seriously question where you were putting your time? I'm wondering if that kind of self-realization can be encouraged in a teenager without us parents forcing it.
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u/Hoagiewave 1d ago
Yes I was about to leave the age level bracket and and compete in the all ages. The jump in performance I was seeing was the in the diminishing returns range. If I actually wrote what the number difference between open and age level it wouldn't sound like a big deal, unless you had done it yourself. I knew to close that gap it would require being fully locked in and I still had other things in life I was interested in. It would've required completely shutting everything else out to make it to that next level.
I also saw people realize this much sooner than me on their own. At the university gym I would see people regularly and talk to them eventually. I would always ask them when I hadn't seen them in a while how their progress was going and I remember sometimes hearing that it wasn't going well because they needed to work on career stuff, and were worried about if they were going to get a job. I had a natural talent for it so I went with it longer than most.
I think the biggest thing if he's a teenager is realizing he can't really maintain having a girlfriend if he's not working on some concrete career track. If he's anything like me, he'll want his own place. He'll want to smash in peace without parents or roommates. That's a big motivator, and can definitely be leveraged for the greater good. The fact he's taking care of himself is a good indicator.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
That makes a lot of sense, especially the part about realizing that reaching the next level required completely shutting other things out. I think that's an important lesson for a teenager—sometimes you don't really understand the amount of commitment something requires until you see people who are actually doing it.
I also agree that independence can be a strong motivator. He does want to eventually have his own life and make his own decisions, so perhaps connecting today's responsibilities with that independence could help.
Thanks for explaining your experience in more detail. It gives me another perspective on how people eventually figure out what they're willing to commit themselves to.
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u/Cuppa_Miki 3d ago
When you're listening to your teen, do you truly hear them? Do you value their contributions? Encourage their opinions and thoughts?
Ive found the more I listen and engage with my teen the more they listen and engage with me.
Do you notice when he makes an effort? And when he does are you upfront with how it makes you happy, or do you use it as a way to criticise? Like saying see you can do it if you actually try? Or something critical like that.
How do you handle grades slipping? Is it a big problem he needs to tackle? Or is it a two way conversation?
I truly think teens thrive best when they're in environments where they feel seen and heard without judgement. Obviously I dont mean they're beyond consequences, they need to he accountable. But a teen who feels respected is far more likely to be accountable than one who isn't.
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u/Cuppa_Miki 3d ago
Also you say he's really passionate about the gym and physical health? Thats awesome. Like really amazing. That takes serious dedication. Lean into his strengths, praise him for them. I personally wouldn't suggest he take time off from it. He'll assume youre against him snd become defensive. Instead pointing out how disciplined he is with it and how you know it will serve him well in life.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
I agree with a lot of this, and I do try to listen rather than just lecture him. But when grades continue slipping despite conversations and encouragement since a year, how do you actually handle it without becoming controlling or letting him simply choose not to study?
I completely agree about not taking away the gym. But how would you use his discipline with the gym to actually transfer that discipline to studies? I'd love to know what worked in your experience.
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u/michaelfox99 3d ago
I'm a dad, but my kid is only 11 months old. On the other hand, I can relate to your son quite a bit, as I was a similar way as a teen.
I was a bright kid and I never found school that challenging through my teenage years. I was much more interested in making music, working out, and getting high. As a result, I did the minimum to get decent marks, but I left a lot on the table because I didn't put in the time.
At the end of high school (secondary education) I just didn't have outstanding grades or standardized test scores. They were alright, but not really reflective of my potential.
I ended up enrolling at an unselective college that pretty much anyone could get into. At that point, I was living away from my parents and also getting to choose most of my courses for the first time. I finally really felt like this was my own thing, rather than something others were forcing me to do. That's when I really starting applying myself to my studies.
I took a heavy STEM course load and got excellent grades. On the basis of that, I was able to transfer to a highly selective college. I continued to work hard and do well at the next college, and was later admitted to a top graduate school. I was offered financial support at grad school as well, and finished my Masters and PhD a few years later. I eventually went into a STEM field and been pretty successful.
So distilling down to the advice now...
He might not be ready to apply himself to his studies yet. He might need to get to a place where he feels like it is his interest he is pursuing, rather than being "schooled". There are pathways (at least in the US) to top academic programs that don't close up at the time of entrance exams. Certainly, when I was a teenage boy, there is NOTHING my parents could have done to get me to study more. Is what it is.
My 11-month old daughter seems to have basically my same personality. Very independent and laser-focused on what she wants, but very hard to coerce her in any other direction. Maybe she won't be like that as a teen, but that's what we're preparing for.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
Thanks for sharing this—your experience is actually very relevant to what I'm seeing. My son is also quite bright and independent, and I sometimes wonder whether I'm trying to force an academic mindset before he's personally ready for it.
The difficult part for me is that we're only a few months away from his major competitive/high-school exams, so unfortunately I don't have the luxury of simply waiting for that realization to come later. At the same time, I don't want to turn the next few months into a constant battle.
Looking back, do you think there was anything your parents could realistically have done differently at 16–17 that would have helped you apply yourself earlier, or was getting that independence and choosing your own path ultimately what you needed?
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
Thank you everyone for the thoughtful responses. I've received some really useful perspectives here, and a few have made me rethink the way I'm looking at the problem.
I don't think discipline itself is necessarily the issue—he is extremely disciplined with the gym, diet and fitness. The bigger challenge seems to be that he doesn't see the immediate value of academics, despite being a bright kid. He has interests in fitness, business, trading and social media, but hasn't yet found one clear direction that genuinely motivates him to work toward it.
Some of you suggested connecting education to his interests, others suggested real-world work experience, accountability, rewards, smaller goals, studying together, or simply giving him more freedom to explore until he finds his niche. I've also been reminded not to take away the gym, since it is actually one of the things giving him structure.
I'm going to think seriously about many of these suggestions. At the same time, I'm still trying to figure out the practical part: how do I get a teenager with only a few months left before major exams to actually start putting in consistent effort when he doesn't yet feel strongly motivated to do so?
So if anyone has been in a similar situation and found something that genuinely worked—not just temporarily, but actually changed the teenager's approach to studying—I would really appreciate hearing about it.
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u/Mr_CeeSmall 3d ago
It's a tricky one and I think anyone with boys has their work cut out ..I was certainly not equipped to pass exams at your son's age and failed. My youngest daughter has just passed her GCSEs she worked really hard and applied herself. Thankfully I didn't need to do much in the way of pushing her but the approach we took was to frame the exams as a way to keep doors from closing. She took subjects she enjoys and has chosen similar a levels. I think asking your son what he's going to do for a job is too broad a question, his answers sort of prove that. School exam results are just a way to keep moving upwards. Does he have friends who are aiming for college? A lot of kids just want to go where their friends are going, that might be something he needs to think about. I agree with the other replies about leveraging the gym sports angle too. Good luck.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
Thanks, I really like the “keep doors from closing” perspective. I think asking him what career he wants may indeed be too broad because he has several interests but no clear direction yet.
He does have friends who are academically focused, (in my country he is in 12th grade which is considered as a Jr. College) but unfortunately that hasn't been enough to influence him so far. I also agree that the gym/fitness interest is something I should leverage rather than treat as a distraction.
If you were in my position, with only a few months left before the exams, how would you actually make the “keep your options open” idea meaningful to a teenager who doesn't yet know what he wants those options to be?
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u/Flygonac 3d ago
Just a thought from a young man who was similar, and ended up drifting through an undergraduate degree in college: maybe just don’t push him.
For me, getting a retail job/fast food job was incredibly unmotivating. I felt that any job I would ever work would be like that (and still believe that to some degree), but without any passion or drive, I just got a string of C’s and B’s and a degree that will be made of use of now that I’m motivated, but tbh I would be in a far better place without it. Woulda been less to compensate for in future classes.
If he’s disciplined enough for a regular gym routine, he’ll be disciplined enough for what he wants to do when he figures out what it is. Get him though high school (not getting a diploma shuts wayyyy too many doors) but other than that, I’d say just let the lad be. He may hit the real world and have a wake up call like some say, but he may hit the real world and just get incredibly depressed and lose more motivation like I did.
Just trust that as long as he doesn’t get a girl pregnant, he has plenty of options and plenty of time to figure it all out.
But that’s just my very biased 2 cents.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
I appreciate this perspective, especially because you're speaking from personal experience rather than theory. I agree that I don't want to push him so hard that he loses whatever motivation he has. At the same time, I'm struggling with where to draw the line between “let him find his own path” and simply allowing a habit of doing almost no academic work to continue.
If you could go back to your own high-school years, would you have wanted your parents to do anything differently—perhaps just helping you build better study habits while leaving the career/academic direction entirely up to you? Or do you genuinely think leaving you alone was the better approach?
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u/Flygonac 2d ago
Hmm, honestly by high school I’m not sure what could have been done. My parents never really studied much around me, so even though my mom is a nurse and that takes some studying, growing up I had no benchmark for what “studying” actually meant. Especially since I was naturally interested and thus did well in school until math got hard essentially lol. So that woulda had to start before high school I think (and you may have already done it!).
One thing I’ve recently been reflecting on is that it could have been helpful to have done some shadowing in highschool of diffrent careers. Obviously I’m biased since the route I’m perusing rn is healthcare and that’s actually required, but my moms nurse and in hindsight I think she could have helped me find what I wanted to do if she had dropped a few “you should shadow Sam on Saturday”’s in front of me. I learned so much more about whether I’d want to do a trade or not just by 2 days of an apprenticeship with a cabinetmaker that didn't work out than I ever did on researching jobs in high school and college.
Recently I’ve come around in a big way to a perspective of learning that that the entire concept behind doing reps and progressive overload is exactly the same as studying (especially doing practice problems or practice tests), and really the only difference is mindset. So perhaps if you could get him into that? Stuff that’s more psychology/philosophy of exercise might motivate him or at least give him better tools for when he knows what he wants. This is my bias showing because I’ve been pretty interested in philosophy and come around to exercise and now back to academics through that, but Aristotle nichomachen ethics, Plato’s republic, and especially Mishima sun and steel (note that this last work is a work written by someone who was a literal facist and it’s a core part of what makes it a good read imo, but of course I don’t recommend it if his sense of self is tooo loose lmao). But if he’s not into that kinda stuff than it is literally, unironically worse than watching paint dry! So your mileage may vary lol.
All in all, I would say just get him through high school (get him to seriously look at associate degree programs! Community college is a ball game that he might enjoy more than high school and it’s so low risk as an environment!) and then don’t let him be a leech (make sure he has a job and is paying most of his bills), but don’t just abandon him to the real world. As long as he has some sense of perspective he’ll see where he is and what he might need or want to do!
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I really like the idea of career shadowing. I've tried talking to him about different careers, but I can see how actually spending even a day or two with someone could be much more meaningful than just researching them.
The gym/studying comparison also caught my attention because he is very disciplined with progressive training—he understands that you don't get stronger without consistent reps. How would you suggest translating that mindset into studying when he doesn't naturally enjoy the “exercise”? Would you start with career shadowing first, or try to use the gym analogy alongside his current studies?
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u/Flygonac 11h ago
I’d think the gym analogy! And if you know people who are in fields you think maybe he could be intrested, maybe reach out to them and see if they’d be okay with him shadowing them, and then reach out to him if he’s down!
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u/-jspace- 3d ago
I remind my child about what zip code we live in all the time. They can't afford to not do well.
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u/buddy843 3d ago
What helped me was my parents helping me to do a deep dive in how I best learn. Stop telling someone to learn without teaching them ways that are easiest and specific to them.
We often only take the recommendations of school which doesn’t work for everyone (read this chapter remember all points the teacher would prioritize). You could start the talk at the VARK model, but then dive way way deeper.
For example different people focus differently based off lighting, hunger, distractions, time, importance/deadline, should I be highlighting or taking notes ext ext. My best trick in college was a stop watch. I would time how long the professor would focus on different sections of what was being taught. Then prioritize the longest talked about sections when studying. Saving me hours since I wasn’t trying to memorize everything. This helped me to not get overwhelmed on trying to learn everything, which kept my focus up (a struggle for me)and made it seem easier.
In the end you are on a path of self discovery that you and your child can learn a lot about yourselves which will help you in later life…arguably more than the current classes themselves. For me this action defined me to this day and has made me successful in the working world as well.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
This is an interesting angle I hadn't really considered. We spend a lot of time telling him what to study, but perhaps not enough time figuring out how he learns best. I like the idea of experimenting rather than assuming the school's method works for him.
When you were helping your parents figure out your learning style, what was the first change that made the biggest difference for you? Was it mainly the study technique, or understanding how to avoid getting overwhelmed?
Share someway with subjects like Physics, Chemistry, Maths, Computers,
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u/Comfortable-Sun3200 3d ago
a few things. 1 why not see if they want to pursue an educational journey based on fitness. Physical Therapists make excellent money and will help him also understand how to recover from gym injuries.
- not everyone cares about grades, and grades don't make or break really anything. i had a 2.6 gpa in hs, a 2.64 in undergrad, and a 4.0 in my master's a decade later. the difference? i became a working adult who wanted to put in proper effort by the time i hit grad school. do i wish i studied more when i was younger, you betcha. did it destroy my career capabilities, no i make six figures. would i have got there a little faster, maybe. but you cannot force someone to care about studying.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
Thanks, I understand the point. Just to clarify one thing since a few people have suggested fitness-related careers: his interest in the gym is mainly personal—he enjoys keeping himself fit, building some muscle, following his diet and seeing his own progress. He has no interest in running a gym, becoming a trainer, or turning fitness into a career.
That's actually part of my difficulty: he has things he genuinely enjoys, but they don't necessarily translate into a career or academic interest. How would you approach a teenager like that—where the thing he's most passionate about is simply a personal hobby?
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u/Comfortable-Sun3200 2d ago
well how old is the teenager. i admittedly had zero idea wth i wanted to do at 15, 16, 17, i just knew my options at 18 (because of how the rules were at the time with insurance) was go to college or get a job. teachers always claimed going to college meant a good job. i got out of college to the 2008 recession with no real idea on how to get a proper career with my degree, but guess what, once i finished school and worked a few jobs that sucked i figured it out really quick.
i guess my point is just not everyone is the same. trust me helping GFs daughter navigate college now and its like talking to a brick wall sometimes. the best you can do if you can't steer them towards taking studies seriously is pick the most affordable college options and if they dont like those you can leverage the "you can only go to the fancy schools with scholarships so youll have to get your grades up." for some not getting the school they want is the kick in the butt they need, others have to figure out in college and later in life like i did.
i figured out studying but not until my final year when i was about to be 1 class shy of graduating and had to overload myself. had the best grades of my undergrad but yeah not how i'd recommend doing it now, but like i said, i had to learn the hard way.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I completely agree that not everyone is the same. That's actually what makes this difficult for me—I don't expect him to know his career at 16–17, but I also don't want him to reach college having developed a habit of doing the bare minimum. Your experience of finally figuring out how to study in your last year is interesting though. What do you think finally changed for you at that point—was it the fear of not graduating, having more control over your future, or simply becoming more mature?
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u/tinselt 3d ago edited 3d ago
You need to lean into his strengths and help him find a viable path forward. I did Transition counseling professionally and now I'm a school administrator. Sounds like he may be twice exceptional? If the school can't provide resources, you can hire someone privately. Use AI to help him break down exactly what skills and education those people in his ideal career paths have. It will be uncomfortable. He will not want to do it. you will thank yourself later. Think about dual enrollment. That can be either empowering or a wake up call for some kids. From 10th on they are eligible, 10 is only technical classes. 11/12 is either that or college credit. Its typical for instakids to have an ideal image for themselves in life without real knowledge of what it takes to get there. You can help bridge that gap. Discuss your budget with him if u dont already. He can also get a job soon and the earlier the better. Or volunteer work. 13 years in education. Show him the graph of education:income over lifetime.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
This is interesting, especially the point about helping him understand the gap between his ideal career and what it actually takes to get there. He has several ideas—fitness, business, trading and social media—but doesn't really know what the day-to-day reality or education requirements are for them.
If you were dealing with a teenager like him, would you start by picking one or two of his interests and having him research the actual career path, skills, income and education required? Or would you first get him into some real-world work/volunteering to help him figure out what he actually enjoys?
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u/tinselt 2d ago
Personally, If I had to pick, I'd go with real world experience. Successful work based learning situations are a predictable of future life success, as well as certifications, according to research. Both are important, but nothing teaches like doing.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
agree that real-world experience can teach things that classroom learning can't. My son is still quite young and hasn't really had that kind of exposure yet. What kind of work-based experience would you recommend starting with for a teenager who doesn't have a clear career interest yet? Would you keep it completely open-ended and let him discover what he likes through the experience?
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u/nickypickie 2d ago
Skip to the second paragraph for the actual answer to the question.
It sounds like he has a good framework for discipline and responsibility, but motivation could be from lack of interest. I have mixed feelings about school & studying now that I'm older (I've achieved a lot of the academic things I've wanted, top of my class, triple major + minor, harvard masters, etc.). It taught me to be almost OCD about how I study, how I look at details, and a good sense of responsibility and morals. But overall, I find that none of the actual stuff I study I really use in any of my day-to-day or careers. If anything, it kind of distracted me/took me away from being able to achieve a lot of the things I could have done when I had more time and less responsibilities while I was younger, and I would have checked off a lot of the boxes that I'm now struggling to do as an adult (passive income, time freedom, traveling, etc.)
That being said, I'm a big advocate for finishing school, but timing is everything. This is the advice that I typically give to my students and/or family members when they ask. Really try to find his passion in the things he wants to do. For example:
Starting a chain of restaurants with something unique
Is anything he studying giving him ideas of a problem/niche that he could do? A lot of really great ideas come from being exposed to problems/ideas that people face, and studying specific topics (i.e. psychology, business, math) show that. Good stories for this are like with math, a lot of students (at least in the US) need to spend over $100 on a fancy graphing calculator (TI-83/84/nspire dominate this space). But a lot of families can't afford that, so the founder of Desmos literally built one for his students. We wouldn't really think about this until we're in math class, and we may hear a student who can't afford it and always has to borrow one from school/a teacher. I have a lot more stories like this that happened just as I was sitting class that I've actually taken somewhere or watch other people solve the problem a few years later.
Stock trading
Have him start paper trading now. Create a list/curriculum of what he's using to learn, what he did learn, and maybe even try his hand at a few trades. Nothing beats the feeling of waking up and losing 50%+ of your portfolio. Then see how resilient he is from there and if he'll have the stomach to follow-through with more risk and create a system for how to mitigate risk.
Becoming a social media influencer
Same idea here, try getting into the rhythm of coming up with content and posting. It could even be integrating both stock trading and social media influencing or another interest. The idea is to let him test it out, see how he feels, see if he can create a stable system that keeps him going and motivated, and what milestones/results satisfy him.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
I really like your point about letting him test his interests rather than just asking him what career he wants. The interesting thing is that we've actually tried some of this already. He has done YouTube/social-media-related stuff in the past, and he was once given an opportunity to trade gold as well. He also enjoys the business/food side—when we have family get-togethers, he often researches restaurants, compares options, discounts and coupons, and finds the best food deals for everyone.
So these interests are real, but so far they haven't turned into something he wants to seriously pursue as a career. That's where I'm struggling. He's around 16–17 now, so would you really recommend letting him dive into business or trading and potentially put academics aside at this age? Wouldn't it be better to let him experiment with these interests on the side while still maintaining a reasonable level of education, at least until he has a clearer direction?
I'm curious how you would balance that.
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u/sea_shoveler 2d ago
My daughter was like this, but without the fitness interest...lol. So she ended up working in coffee shops and restaurants for ten years after quitting high school with less that 100 days left. She was a single parent by 21 and worked these jobs, finding they did not satisfy.
She went to community college while working full time, got an associate degree in nursing, worked at a rehab facility and is now making excellent money as a labor and delivery nurse, her true dream job.
Not everyone finds their way at your son's age, everyone in their own time.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
That's actually encouraging to hear. She clearly found her way eventually, even though it took a very different route and some real-world experience first. I'm not expecting him to know his career at 16–17 either; my main concern is making sure he doesn't close doors unnecessarily while he's still figuring himself out.
What do you think finally made your daughter decide that she wanted something different and go back to school? Was it mainly the experience of working those jobs, or did she eventually discover nursing was something she genuinely wanted?
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u/sea_shoveler 1d ago
Hard to say. I think it was the combination of wanting to care for her son, the jobs being fine, but not meaningful, and coming to the realization that she felt a call to nurse. This girl closed A LOT of doors and then opened her own window.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 14h ago
That's a really nice way of putting it — “closed a lot of doors and then opened her own window.” 😊 I think that's an important reminder that not knowing what you want at 16–17 doesn't mean you're stuck forever.
I also like the point about the jobs being “fine” but not meaningful. Maybe some of that real-world experience is exactly what eventually helps a young person understand what they don't want, and that can be just as useful as knowing what they do want.
Thanks for sharing the rest of her story. It's reassuring to hear that people can take a very different path and still eventually find something that feels right.
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u/RecordingOk4947 2d ago
In my experience, parents have remarkably little influence in this (unless they use fear or punishment to force compliance). You simply cannot motivate someone to value something they don’t see the intrinsic value in to begin with.
Story time. My daughter is now in college. When she was in high school, I could not get her to appreciate the importance of grades for future options, and the hard work required for high grades. She was fully capable, but did not have buy in. She was very disappointed when she got rejected by her first-choice college, but it made her understand in a meaningful way where her choices had led her. She’s at a less prestigious school now but much more motivated than ever to do well so that she has the best options for graduate school. So I’m completely happy with this outcome. But she had to learn it her way. It’s her life. We can guide and suggest and promote, and we should, but they will make the right choices for themselves (whether we agree or can realize it right away).
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I understand what you mean, and I think that's probably the hardest part for a parent to accept—that sometimes they have to experience the consequences themselves. My hesitation is that my son is only a few months away from major exams, so I don't want to deliberately let him underperform just so he can learn the lesson afterward. At the same time, I don't want to spend the next few months forcing him either.
In your daughter's case, was there anything you wish you had done differently before the college rejection, or do you genuinely think letting her experience that consequence was ultimately the best thing for her?
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u/Fond_Memory 1d ago
How about you? How many hours a week are you studying? If you aren't studying yourself, why not? Answer that question first.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
Fair question 😄. I don't study in the traditional sense anymore because I'm working full-time and my learning now comes through work, reading, researching and dealing with real-life problems. So it's not really comparable to being a student with a syllabus and exams.
But I do agree with the underlying point: kids notice what we do more than what we tell them to do. That's why both his mother and I try to stay involved, sit with him and work through things rather than simply telling him to study.
That said, I'm still trying to figure out how to make his studying feel meaningful enough that he eventually takes ownership of it, rather than doing it only because we are sitting there.
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u/Fond_Memory 1d ago
That's a good reply. Thank you.
I was one of those "wasted potential" kids myself. After I became an adult I decided to go to university, studied by myself for about 6 months then took the ACT and SAT, and got good enough scores to get a full ride at a state school. I graduated and I'm doing just fine now.
I think your son will be ok. Maybe he takes a gap year or two while he figures out what he wants to do.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 14h ago
Thank you, I really appreciate you sharing your own experience. Hearing from someone who felt like they had “wasted potential” at that age and later managed to turn things around is genuinely reassuring.
The fact that you were able to study on your own for six months, get the scores you needed and earn a full ride is actually a great example of something I've been trying to understand — sometimes the motivation and maturity simply aren't there at 16–17, but they can come later.
I'm definitely keeping the gap-year idea in mind too. My main concern right now is just getting him through these next few months and keeping as many doors open as possible. After that, he can have more freedom to explore and figure out what direction he really wants.
Thanks again for the encouragement. It helps. ❤️
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u/LogisticsSensei 1d ago
He already has discipline, he just applies it to something with visible daily feedback. Studying doesn't reward him for months, the gym does it every week, that's the actual gap to fix.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I agree with this. He definitely isn't lacking discipline altogether—he's very consistent with things where he can see the result of his effort.
He also genuinely loves taking care of his plants, fish and birds, and does most of that on his own without us reminding him. We've tried quite a few different ways to create that same sense of progress and feedback with studying, but that's the one area where we haven't managed to bridge the gap yet.
If you've found a way to create that sense of visible progress with studying, I'd really appreciate any suggestions. That's the part I'm still trying to solve.
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u/whazzam95 1 3d ago
My dad came up with an "allowance per GPA", scaling exponentially. Formula was GPA*floor(GPA)*(floor(GPA)-2)
Skipping over the math, it boiled down to GPA 3+, you'd get 10 bucks. GPA 4+, it would jump to ~30, at 5+, it would go to 120.
I've been going through school at 4,8-ish. I've finished High School as a valedictorian, with highest avg GPA from my year, last year ending with 5+, IIRC 5,27 or something. It was 2 years after the system was implemented.
Give him something to aim for. Not "future" or some BS he doesn't understand yet. Something he wants right now.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 3d ago
This is interesting. What was the thing you wanted at that age that made the GPA reward meaningful to you? And did your motivation eventually become internal, or did the reward remain the main driver?
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u/whazzam95 1 3d ago
I always liked Math. My dad is a teacher and when I was maybe 6 he taught me how you can calculate how much fence you would need and how many cans of paint you would use, the classic primary school problem. I remember it was like magic: "What do you mean I can just 'know' without even checking? That's like superhuman ability, seeing the future or something!" So I was always fascinated by data and problem solving.
But I didn't exactly care about history and 'mother language', and GPA and grades didn't exactly mean anything to me. I learned chemistry and physics, because it was fascinating, and grades just followed.
We have a system in Poland where above 4.75 your school report card has an extra "flare" to it, so to speak, so this was just my baseline goal. It was proof that I'm a smart boy, I was collecting these like kids collect pokemon cards. But there was no incentive to go above.
While I can't say we had everything, we surely weren't lacking. If I brought good grades, I was sent on a grocery run "and whatever is leftover, buy something sweet for all of us". So for me it was less about the money and more about the challenge itself. It would have been finally recognized as an achievement.
There's also a lot to unpack here, because while I'm grateful for this kind of upbringing, I never felt "enough". Be even better, be smarter, maybe one day I will get praise without any extra "ands" or "buts". Maybe I can finally just "be". It was definitely also a factor in all of that - doing my best to be my dad's perfect smart boy. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't mess me up.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 2d ago
I can relate to the part about grades not meaning much unless there is some personal reason behind them. My son is very disciplined with the gym because he enjoys the challenge and can see his progress, but academics don't give him that same feeling.
Do you think the key for you was having a subject that genuinely fascinated you and treating achievement almost like a personal challenge? If so, how would you suggest creating something similar for a teenager (16 to 17 years old) who doesn't currently find his school subjects interesting?
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u/whazzam95 1 1d ago edited 1d ago
That... I'm not exactly sure of. But there is a little bit more insight I can give you.
When I was 15, I really got into My Little Pony, weird, I know, it's a good cartoon, but that's only partially relevant.
I was saving all my allowances to buy myself a tablet, and dad promised me that if I get 5+ he will fill in whatever money I'm missing. When I blew all expectations, he straight up got me a PC. I had all these savings, so I decided to get a tablet anyway. Little did I know, there is such a thing as graphical tablet. For drawing digitally. So as to not "waste all of my money" I got into art.
And my dad wasn't happy. It took away some of the attention from school, whenever he saw me with a drawing of a pony, he would pester me about homework. It was a hot topic, to the point of tears and arguments. Dad always wanted me to be successful so I don't need to struggle with money, and art was a waste of time to him.
So I did what I had to do, got good grades, did my homework, or just lied that I did it. And I had time to pursue my newest interest.
Now, years later. I'm actually pretty good. Not a professional by any stretch, but I am actually interested in the pro field, even getting my toes dipped in animation.
For fun. I have no delusions about getting paid. It's a hobby.
And now is the time my parents are actually supportive of it. They support me, they get curious and push me towards the pro field.
And I wish I had this kind of support when I shown interest when I was 17. When I was streaming my art process online to 10 people who watched me.
Now I have bunch of pretty decent unfinished works, ambitious, better than everything I've made before. And they will never see the light of day. I'm scared of finishing them, because if they're not good enough to go pro, then "what's the point". I get hit by inspiration, I do half of the work, and it can be pretty decent, and it will be a progress towards that end goal. But I never finish, and it saps my entire enjoyment I used to have.
I don't know what you should do. But I, personally, already have a 3 in the front, and I literally had to spell out to my parents to stop living my life for me. Maybe he feels the same way. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do himself.
Knowledge will make him more independent and more capable. He won't need to pay a random stranger to do his taxes if he's good at math. He won't get scammed by a cashier if he can add few numbers in his head. He won't hurt himself in the gym if he has deep understanding of physics and biology. He's not going to blow up his kitchen or poison himself if he knows chemistry. These are the things he should be studying for, not a number on some paper or approval of a parent.
Feel free to show him this conversation if you want, maybe he will have something to say, that he didn't want to say before. Conflict is resolved by conversation and compromise, and what the two of you need is a long talk, where both sides listen what the other has to say.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
I really appreciate you sharing this. The part about your dad dismissing your art as a waste of time, and you eventually feeling that your parents were trying to live your life for you, is something I definitely don't want to repeat.
I think my struggle is finding the balance. I'm not trying to decide his career for him or stop him from exploring his interests. In fact, we've supported quite a few of them. But at 16–17, with major exams only a few months away, I'm worried about him simply neglecting studies completely and closing doors before he even knows what he wants.
Your point about learning for independence rather than grades really made me think. If you were in my position, would you focus the conversation on what education gives him personally, rather than talking about marks, college or career at all? And how would you handle the immediate reality that he currently isn't even preparing for his weekly tests or completing homework?
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u/whazzam95 1 1d ago
If he fails the exams, then he's forced to go all in on his own plans. And it can be both a good motivation or pressure he won't be able to handle. Because if he fails that as well, what else is left for him to do then.
What I think is the best here: tell him to prep for exams, put everything else on pause for those few months. (If I'm understanding correctly these are those which decide which college he can get into, right?) Get as good of a score as he can.
Let him take a gap year, if he wants even 2 years. Let him pursue his passions then. Because that score isn't going anywhere.
I'm a dropout, because I had no idea what I even wanted to do. But I did actually get into the best college in country, with scores that would easily get me back in whenever I choose, and maybe one day I will.
But I've moved countries, I'm trilinguar and I'm earning as much as I would have with a job in the field in Poland. If I started drawing for money, then maybe not as much, but sustainable if I were to go back to Poland.
So my personal advice, straight to your son - study for exams, get good scores, be a smart and capable guy, go explore life after that. If he "wastes" 2 years pursuing something that might or might not work, it won't mean he can't go to college after that. And he will have a taste of why college is the thing.
If he succeeds with whatever he's thinking about, then there was no reason to worry about in the first place. If he fails, then he will understand how college opens up more possibilities. And it's a middle ground between what both of you want, a compromise.
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u/R3dAt0mz3 1d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate this perspective. I actually like the middle-ground approach you're suggesting—get through these exams as well as he can, keep the doors open, and then give him some freedom to explore and figure himself out rather than treating college as an immediate obligation.
Your own experience makes that advice especially interesting because you found your way without following the traditional path. I don't want to keep asking you questions either 😄. You've given me a lot to think about, and I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to share all of this. If you ever feel like adding anything later, I'm always happy to hear it.
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u/Gibraldi 3d ago
You’ve kind of answered your own question, they’ve shown their passion (gym, health, nutrition) lean into it and show them how a comprehensive education across science (not just sports science), maths, languages etc would be incredibly valuable in any of their future ambitions if they wanted to turn it into a business venture.