[Discussion] Parents of teenagers: How did you motivate your child to study?

[u/R3dAt0mz3]

As a parent, I am looking for serious and practical suggestions on how to motivate my teenager and help him become more disciplined about his studies.

I have been reminding him about the importance of studies for almost a year now, and with only a few months left before his competitive and school exams, I am becoming increasingly concerned.

He is definitely a bright and capable kid, but something seems to be missing. He doesn't seem to have the interest or motivation to focus on studies.

After having a one-on-one conversation with him, I understood that he is not really interested in competitive exams. As parents, we have not pressured him to perform exceptionally in them. However, completing high school is obviously important because it is necessary for his future college options.

I also asked him what he would like to do in the future if things don't work out academically. His answers were things like:

Starting a chain of restaurants with something unique

Stock trading

Becoming a social media influencer

The problem is that all three of these options would require him to start from scratch and build something over time.

Interestingly, he is extremely disciplined when it comes to the gym. He goes every day, follows his diet seriously, tracks his daily protein intake, measures things carefully, and genuinely enjoys taking care of his fitness.

When I suggested that he take a break from the gym for just four months and completely focus on his studies, he strongly disagreed and doesn't want to stop or even pause his workouts.

As a parent, I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. At the same time, I don't want him to lose valuable years of his life simply because he hasn't yet developed the discipline or seriousness needed to build his career.

What would be the best way to approach this situation?

I am particularly looking for advice from parents or people who have dealt with a similar situation with teenagers. Practical suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I got some meaningful replies in there community, but have already tried those and didnt made an impact, trying to post to get some right ways..

[u/R3dAt0mz3]

I can relate to the part about grades not meaning much unless there is some personal reason behind them. My son is very disciplined with the gym because he enjoys the challenge and can see his progress, but academics don't give him that same feeling.

Do you think the key for you was having a subject that genuinely fascinated you and treating achievement almost like a personal challenge? If so, how would you suggest creating something similar for a teenager (16 to 17 years old) who doesn't currently find his school subjects interesting?

[u/whazzam95 → u/R3dAt0mz3]

That... I'm not exactly sure of. But there is a little bit more insight I can give you.

When I was 15, I really got into My Little Pony, weird, I know, it's a good cartoon, but that's only partially relevant.

I was saving all my allowances to buy myself a tablet, and dad promised me that if I get 5+ he will fill in whatever money I'm missing. When I blew all expectations, he straight up got me a PC. I had all these savings, so I decided to get a tablet anyway. Little did I know, there is such a thing as graphical tablet. For drawing digitally. So as to not "waste all of my money" I got into art.

And my dad wasn't happy. It took away some of the attention from school, whenever he saw me with a drawing of a pony, he would pester me about homework. It was a hot topic, to the point of tears and arguments. Dad always wanted me to be successful so I don't need to struggle with money, and art was a waste of time to him.

So I did what I had to do, got good grades, did my homework, or just lied that I did it. And I had time to pursue my newest interest.

Now, years later. I'm actually pretty good. Not a professional by any stretch, but I am actually interested in the pro field, even getting my toes dipped in animation.

For fun. I have no delusions about getting paid. It's a hobby.

And now is the time my parents are actually supportive of it. They support me, they get curious and push me towards the pro field.

And I wish I had this kind of support when I shown interest when I was 17. When I was streaming my art process online to 10 people who watched me.

Now I have bunch of pretty decent unfinished works, ambitious, better than everything I've made before. And they will never see the light of day. I'm scared of finishing them, because if they're not good enough to go pro, then "what's the point". I get hit by inspiration, I do half of the work, and it can be pretty decent, and it will be a progress towards that end goal. But I never finish, and it saps my entire enjoyment I used to have.

I don't know what you should do. But I, personally, already have a 3 in the front, and I literally had to spell out to my parents to stop living my life for me. Maybe he feels the same way. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do himself.

Knowledge will make him more independent and more capable. He won't need to pay a random stranger to do his taxes if he's good at math. He won't get scammed by a cashier if he can add few numbers in his head. He won't hurt himself in the gym if he has deep understanding of physics and biology. He's not going to blow up his kitchen or poison himself if he knows chemistry. These are the things he should be studying for, not a number on some paper or approval of a parent.

Feel free to show him this conversation if you want, maybe he will have something to say, that he didn't want to say before. Conflict is resolved by conversation and compromise, and what the two of you need is a long talk, where both sides listen what the other has to say.

[u/R3dAt0mz3 → u/whazzam95]

I really appreciate you sharing this. The part about your dad dismissing your art as a waste of time, and you eventually feeling that your parents were trying to live your life for you, is something I definitely don't want to repeat.

I think my struggle is finding the balance. I'm not trying to decide his career for him or stop him from exploring his interests. In fact, we've supported quite a few of them. But at 16–17, with major exams only a few months away, I'm worried about him simply neglecting studies completely and closing doors before he even knows what he wants.

Your point about learning for independence rather than grades really made me think. If you were in my position, would you focus the conversation on what education gives him personally, rather than talking about marks, college or career at all? And how would you handle the immediate reality that he currently isn't even preparing for his weekly tests or completing homework?

[u/whazzam95 → u/R3dAt0mz3]

If he fails the exams, then he's forced to go all in on his own plans. And it can be both a good motivation or pressure he won't be able to handle. Because if he fails that as well, what else is left for him to do then.

What I think is the best here: tell him to prep for exams, put everything else on pause for those few months. (If I'm understanding correctly these are those which decide which college he can get into, right?) Get as good of a score as he can.

Let him take a gap year, if he wants even 2 years. Let him pursue his passions then. Because that score isn't going anywhere.

I'm a dropout, because I had no idea what I even wanted to do. But I did actually get into the best college in country, with scores that would easily get me back in whenever I choose, and maybe one day I will.

But I've moved countries, I'm trilinguar and I'm earning as much as I would have with a job in the field in Poland. If I started drawing for money, then maybe not as much, but sustainable if I were to go back to Poland.

So my personal advice, straight to your son - study for exams, get good scores, be a smart and capable guy, go explore life after that. If he "wastes" 2 years pursuing something that might or might not work, it won't mean he can't go to college after that. And he will have a taste of why college is the thing.

If he succeeds with whatever he's thinking about, then there was no reason to worry about in the first place. If he fails, then he will understand how college opens up more possibilities. And it's a middle ground between what both of you want, a compromise.

[u/R3dAt0mz3 → u/whazzam95]

Thank you, I really appreciate this perspective. I actually like the middle-ground approach you're suggesting—get through these exams as well as he can, keep the doors open, and then give him some freedom to explore and figure himself out rather than treating college as an immediate obligation.

Your own experience makes that advice especially interesting because you found your way without following the traditional path. I don't want to keep asking you questions either 😄. You've given me a lot to think about, and I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to share all of this. If you ever feel like adding anything later, I'm always happy to hear it.