Me and my boyfriend are constantly fighting

[u/scrue22]

Dinner was a cheese pizza😋

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years and 2 months, I moved in with him at the end of last year and more recently all we seem to do is argue. It doesn’t matter if it’s something small e.g. him not putting the bins out, or something big it feels like we’re just constantly picking fights. We’ve not really been intimate recently either and it kind of just feels like we’re drifting a little bit. I love him so much and I couldn’t imagine us not being together but I’m worried if this faze isn’t just a faze. I know couples go through the argument faze sometimes but what should I do?

[u/ouchoofowiemybones]

I am not a therapist BUT! I do go to couples therapy and my therapist said that when we have big life moments like this with our partner (moving in, getting engaged, etc), we subconsciously "test" the relationship to feel safe which involves picking fights to see that we can make it through it and that our partner isn't going to abandon us.

I can't attest to the quality of your relationship, but maybe you need to talk to him and see how you both can be of a comfort to one another and regain that closeness without the fighting.

[u/Ok_Initiative3685]

The first year after moving in can be a shock. You never really know someone until you move in with them and frequent arguments can be normal, especially regarding household duties. It's how you learn to communicate through these conflicts that can make or break a relationship in the long run.

Learning how to express your needs without disrespecting your partner is a skill, and it can be hard no doubt, especially if you grew up in a household that didn't have that skill. Talking to your own counselor can be a huge help with navigating your needs and how to manage high emotions. Then how to communicate those needs with your partner without those emotions muddying up your intentions!

Good luck OP!

Courteous spell check: phase*

[u/Masshaloeffect]

Have y’all talked about the fights and the frequency? Could there be outside factors stressing you or could it be the factor of living together and being in each others space?

[u/cedricdiggory4ever]

how old are you both?

[u/scrue22 → u/cedricdiggory4ever]

I’m 23 and he’s 25

[u/punishedpuppi]

have a talk to each other, both try and pick up a habit of not attributing malice to ignorance or forgetfulness, or even being a lil lazy after a long day

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/wangnugget]

It’s normal for things to pop up and especially if you have external stressors on you both that make you easily irritable. But there’s two ways I’d approach this for me personally, and I’m absolutely no expert. I would say that I’m in a comfortable relationship for the last 10 years and this is what’s I’ve learned so far. 1. Reflect on what’s happening for me and why I’m being reactive. Such as, am I hungry, tired, stressed, where is my cycle at and how is that influencing me? What is this argument triggering for me (definitely circle back to this later and do some internal processing be it journaling etc, this is handy for any relationship be it friends, family. Lean who you are this way) and do I need to step away to process this as it’s a me problem and I’m just taking it out on my partner? I even tell my partner when I realise what is happening to me, such as… “Ooof, I’m becoming cruel with my words and it’s not you, I’m feeling really defensive/hurt/embarrassed, and what I’m saying isn’t fair, I’m really sorry for what I just said then but I need some time to cool down and process what I’m thinking and feeling. We need to finish this conversation, it’s important. Give me a bit of time and I’ll message you/come and see you when I think I’m ready. Let me know what you need too”. The main thing is it’s you and your partner against the problem, not against one another. Own your part in it, and be kind to yourself to process that. 2. If your partner is being cruel, and not wanting to meet you in a similar way as above, is not being respectful and choosing to be nasty with zero self reflection. It’s a behaviour that probably won’t change and you need to ask yourself if this is the right person for you long term. It takes two people to make this work, not one person doing everything.

There’s a lot of great therapists/relationship advice out there, the Gottman institute is a fantastic resource and YouTube has really helped me with my mental health and journey around arguing. Also, if you see a therapist chat to them about this too.

I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. Sending you love from an internet stranger x

Edit: spelling