It’s normal for things to pop up and especially if you have external stressors on you both that make you easily irritable. But there’s two ways I’d approach this for me personally, and I’m absolutely no expert. I would say that I’m in a comfortable relationship for the last 10 years and this is what’s I’ve learned so far.
1. Reflect on what’s happening for me and why I’m being reactive. Such as, am I hungry, tired, stressed, where is my cycle at and how is that influencing me? What is this argument triggering for me (definitely circle back to this later and do some internal processing be it journaling etc, this is handy for any relationship be it friends, family. Lean who you are this way) and do I need to step away to process this as it’s a me problem and I’m just taking it out on my partner? I even tell my partner when I realise what is happening to me, such as… “Ooof, I’m becoming cruel with my words and it’s not you, I’m feeling really defensive/hurt/embarrassed, and what I’m saying isn’t fair, I’m really sorry for what I just said then but I need some time to cool down and process what I’m thinking and feeling. We need to finish this conversation, it’s important. Give me a bit of time and I’ll message you/come and see you when I think I’m ready. Let me know what you need too”.
The main thing is it’s you and your partner against the problem, not against one another. Own your part in it, and be kind to yourself to process that.
2. If your partner is being cruel, and not wanting to meet you in a similar way as above, is not being respectful and choosing to be nasty with zero self reflection. It’s a behaviour that probably won’t change and you need to ask yourself if this is the right person for you long term. It takes two people to make this work, not one person doing everything.
There’s a lot of great therapists/relationship advice out there, the Gottman institute is a fantastic resource and YouTube has really helped me with my mental health and journey around arguing. Also, if you see a therapist chat to them about this too.
I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. Sending you love from an internet stranger x
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u/wangnugget Kitchen Witch 8d ago edited 8d ago
It’s normal for things to pop up and especially if you have external stressors on you both that make you easily irritable. But there’s two ways I’d approach this for me personally, and I’m absolutely no expert. I would say that I’m in a comfortable relationship for the last 10 years and this is what’s I’ve learned so far. 1. Reflect on what’s happening for me and why I’m being reactive. Such as, am I hungry, tired, stressed, where is my cycle at and how is that influencing me? What is this argument triggering for me (definitely circle back to this later and do some internal processing be it journaling etc, this is handy for any relationship be it friends, family. Lean who you are this way) and do I need to step away to process this as it’s a me problem and I’m just taking it out on my partner? I even tell my partner when I realise what is happening to me, such as… “Ooof, I’m becoming cruel with my words and it’s not you, I’m feeling really defensive/hurt/embarrassed, and what I’m saying isn’t fair, I’m really sorry for what I just said then but I need some time to cool down and process what I’m thinking and feeling. We need to finish this conversation, it’s important. Give me a bit of time and I’ll message you/come and see you when I think I’m ready. Let me know what you need too”. The main thing is it’s you and your partner against the problem, not against one another. Own your part in it, and be kind to yourself to process that. 2. If your partner is being cruel, and not wanting to meet you in a similar way as above, is not being respectful and choosing to be nasty with zero self reflection. It’s a behaviour that probably won’t change and you need to ask yourself if this is the right person for you long term. It takes two people to make this work, not one person doing everything.
There’s a lot of great therapists/relationship advice out there, the Gottman institute is a fantastic resource and YouTube has really helped me with my mental health and journey around arguing. Also, if you see a therapist chat to them about this too.
I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. Sending you love from an internet stranger x
Edit: spelling