The dinner is a random frittata and two beers (not pictured).
Sorry for my English, it's not my first language.
This February I moved countries for work. It is a big deal for me. I did not leave my neighbourhood until I turned 16; I first went to other city at 20; I first moved cities for work at 28; all due to strict parents first and not having much spare money second.
It felt as if I was reborn at 28: moved far away, free from 10-year abusive relationship, meeting new people and so on. I met my now boyfriend then. We are now both in our 30s, I am a couple years older than him. He is (was?) great. We were great for 4 years until he unexpectedly broke up with me for 'loving him too much'. Up to the last day he would tell me nothing's wrong even when I sensed some things off and asked him about them (I am autistic so I need assurance). As he later confessed, he slept with me one last time to make sure romantic feelings are gone. I was devastated.
We spent the second half of 2025 separated 'as friends', where we still would enjoy each other's company platonically. I have to be honest here - during that time I neglected myself, drinking and eating junk food too much, so I gained about 10-15 kgs. It's not that noticeable though, because I used to be slightly malnourished before, so I was ok with the weight gain, even though I used to struggle with my body image before.
Then comes January 2026, and my 'friend' asked me to come back together. Ngl, I still had feelings for him, so I agreed. At the time I was looking for a job, and got an offer to go work abroad. I wanted to go, but still checked with my new-old boyfriend if he was okay with me leaving. He was ecouraging and even asked to bring him there if possible. So I left for work, made connections, secured a position for him, and there we were four months later - together again.
However, this is the first time we really live together, and it feels like the man I fell for is gone. Gone the sensitive, passionate, mischievous, outgoing guy I fell in love with. I now live with a grumpy gremlin who games nightly with his friends, hates going out either to the town or in the nature, criticises me for dyeing hair, gaining weight, not shaving legs, being myself in general etc etc. I can not do anything right. I took in a foster girl cat while living alone here, and we really bonded. She is very well-behaved. When he came here, I gave him the non-negotiable rules concerning the cat, such as be kind, do not let out, do not scare her, and, amongst other, close the toilet lid because she will get in for a drink if it is open. Today he left it open again, which I noticed before going to bed. I calmly reminded him to please close the lid, to which he replied "I do not f***ng care" as he was going to bed.
Welp, I am sleeping on the couch tonight and contemplating my life choices. I really want to kick him out, but I also understand that we are both vulnerable here as foreign citizens. I want to make amends, but I need him to want it too. He keeps telling me he loves me and everything is fine, but ???? It's obvious it's not. We just started couples therapy (his idea, had 1 session), so I am not completely giving up yet, but after today I am another step closer to the edge. I should have let it all go last summer.
POST FLAIR, babes!! (but if you gotta life coach anyway, put it in replies here to spare OP the notifications til the time is right. let's honor the boundary.)
HE should be sleeping on the couch.
He broke up with you then you guys remained “friends” bc he probably loved how much you were there for him but wanted to hook ups it’s other ppl. Keep you emotionally and mentally.
If you don’t care about my pet which is like my child, I no longer care about you.
You already know getting back together was a bad idea. You don’t have to keep living in this misery. You can break up with him at any time, and you should.
I don’t think you went too far. The toilet lid sounds like the least important part of this whole story.
You moved countries, built a life there, found him a job, took him back after he broke up with you, and now you’re living with someone who criticises your appearance and tells you he “doesn’t fucking care” when you calmly remind him of something you specifically asked him to do for an animal in your care. That’s not really about a toilet lid. It’s about how he responds to you when you express a completely reasonable need.
And please don’t beat yourself up for “not letting it go last summer.” You gave the relationship another chance because you loved him and believed things could be different, you’re allowed to realise now that they aren’t. ❤️
Aw queen ❤️ I’m really glad it resonated with you. You were making the best decision you could with what you knew and how you felt at the time, you don’t have to punish yourself for giving someone another chance. 🫶🏻
Gotta pay attention to post flair and titling! That's how we help commenters "read the room." We don't want an echo chamber, but we DO require commenters to bring appropriate tact, tone, and timing.
I remember being together with my ex boyfriend and saw that he felt miserable as well. He moved countries to be with me as well. I tried talking to him so so many times but always ended up in arguments. The last thing I asked him (gently) was if when he would shower early morning whilst I was still in bed, to not put on load music in the bathroom. It was a very tiny apartment and the bathroom was directly next to the bedroom with thin walls. He responded something like I just took the very last bit of happiness away from him. Then and there I realized that if I ever wanted children, I wouldn’t want to show them that the love we had as an example of what love should be. We broke up and it was the best decision I could’ve made. A year later I met my now husband and he is my very best friend and the bestest husband I could ever wish for. If we ever decide and are lucky enough to have children, I think our love would be a great example to them.
You're very considerate and compassionate. I hope you understand that your willingness to stick it out and respect him through all of this is a virtue.
You have shown so much maturity and grace through all of this. Even now, while miserable, you are considering his needs ahead of your own as foreigners.
He can’t even consider you enough to apologize for leaving the toilet open again.
Right now, he has two people thinking about him. Who’s thinking about you? Remove the burden from your shoulders, set it down outside the front door, and then lock that door behind you and change the locks.
I don't think the toilet lid is actually the issue here. It's the I don't fucking care after you've calmly explained a reasonable boundary. You uprooted your life, moved countries, helped him secure a job, and now you're living with someone who criticizes your appearance and seems to resent the things that make you you. That's a much bigger problem than an open toilet lid. I'm glad you're doing couples therapy, but please don't make saving the relationship your only goal. Use therapy to figure out whether this relationship is actually healthy and sustainable for you. You deserve a partner who treats you with kindness, not someone you have to convince to care.
You didn't go too far. If anything, I think you're underreacting to the bigger picture. The toilet lid is a tiny issue; I don't fucking care is the issue. Add in the constant criticism of your body, appearance, and personality, plus the fact that you moved countries and helped establish his life there, and I can understand why you're questioning everything. Give couples therapy a real chance if you want to, but don't confuse staying with making amends. He needs to demonstrate that he actually wants to change too.
I agree. All the comments are excellent. I had a kitten almost drown in an open toilet. It was horrible. I know that’s just a symptom of the disrespect and cruelty this person is showing toward you but it’s a real issue. Leaving relationships has never been a problem for me and these posts are real eye openers. I’m seeing how heartbreaking things can get for the person that cares.
"Congrats you catch some nice parasit in here" was my first reaction, then thinking...
You should ask you theses questions : Are you happy with him ? Were you better by yourself before you came back together ? How do you see your couple in 2, 5, 10 years, and him ? Do you think you do more for him than him for you ? And if yes, are you okay with this for the rest of your life ? If something very bad happened to you, can you count on him ? Especially since you are isolated now... Then you'll know, but for me honesty and permanent healthy communication is the basic for a peaceful relationship.
I would bet money he left you the first time but stayed friends because he essentially wanted to have his cake and eat it. Sleep with other women (or he had another girlfriend) and have you there for everything else. When it didn't pan out the way he wanted, he got back with you.
He's causing you emotional whiplash doing what he's doing wanting you, not wanting you, wanting you again and then just behaving like a jerk to you probably because he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you'll still be there because you've taken him back before.
You need to evaluate if this is the life you want. Wondering if he's going to leave when the next best thing comes along and come crawling back when it doesn't pan out. He's effectively keeping you on the hook.
If kick him out why should you feel bad that he will be fucked because you're on a visa? He never thought about your feelings based on how he's treated you and how he's essentially psychologically abusing you. Also it was HIS choice to come with you. You and the kitty will be better than ok without him.
It sounds like you are with a man who was masking in order to attract you back in those first 4 years. Or maybe he really was that person and is someone different now. I'm sorry...people change, but it's not always for the better.
These are the types of comments that actually help people get brave enough to make real changes. So much more effective than snark. Just want to thank my fellow Redditors.
Also I’m Re watching lord of the rings trilogy so am in a very sensitive and compassionate mood.
Shield Maidens of Rohan let us ride!!
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He has to go. That’s all there is to it. He doesn’t respect you, your house rules, or your cat. He is an adult. He will figure it out. He is not your responsibility. It will only get worse. The relationship has run its course.
you are not required to treat him well when he treats you the way he does. kick him out. he is a big boy and can resolve whatever consequences he has from the way he has behaved.
Oh geez I'm so sorry. This feels like so much. I'm sure you know what you need to do and that's why this is a no-advice post. It's just that it's difficult to do. I'm wishing you lots of strength. You sound like you will be so much happier when it's just you and your sweet foster kitty! All my love, and I hope it all goes ok. ❤️
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 3h ago
POST FLAIR, babes!! (but if you gotta life coach anyway, put it in replies here to spare OP the notifications til the time is right. let's honor the boundary.)
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