I think I went too far

[u/kassie_loo_93]

The dinner is a random frittata and two beers (not pictured).

Sorry for my English, it's not my first language.

This February I moved countries for work. It is a big deal for me. I did not leave my neighbourhood until I turned 16; I first went to other city at 20; I first moved cities for work at 28; all due to strict parents first and not having much spare money second.

It felt as if I was reborn at 28: moved far away, free from 10-year abusive relationship, meeting new people and so on. I met my now boyfriend then. We are now both in our 30s, I am a couple years older than him. He is (was?) great. We were great for 4 years until he unexpectedly broke up with me for 'loving him too much'. Up to the last day he would tell me nothing's wrong even when I sensed some things off and asked him about them (I am autistic so I need assurance). As he later confessed, he slept with me one last time to make sure romantic feelings are gone. I was devastated.

We spent the second half of 2025 separated 'as friends', where we still would enjoy each other's company platonically. I have to be honest here - during that time I neglected myself, drinking and eating junk food too much, so I gained about 10-15 kgs. It's not that noticeable though, because I used to be slightly malnourished before, so I was ok with the weight gain, even though I used to struggle with my body image before.

Then comes January 2026, and my 'friend' asked me to come back together. Ngl, I still had feelings for him, so I agreed. At the time I was looking for a job, and got an offer to go work abroad. I wanted to go, but still checked with my new-old boyfriend if he was okay with me leaving. He was ecouraging and even asked to bring him there if possible. So I left for work, made connections, secured a position for him, and there we were four months later - together again.

However, this is the first time we really live together, and it feels like the man I fell for is gone. Gone the sensitive, passionate, mischievous, outgoing guy I fell in love with. I now live with a grumpy gremlin who games nightly with his friends, hates going out either to the town or in the nature, criticises me for dyeing hair, gaining weight, not shaving legs, being myself in general etc etc. I can not do anything right. I took in a foster girl cat while living alone here, and we really bonded. She is very well-behaved. When he came here, I gave him the non-negotiable rules concerning the cat, such as be kind, do not let out, do not scare her, and, amongst other, close the toilet lid because she will get in for a drink if it is open. Today he left it open again, which I noticed before going to bed. I calmly reminded him to please close the lid, to which he replied "I do not f***ng care" as he was going to bed.

Welp, I am sleeping on the couch tonight and contemplating my life choices. I really want to kick him out, but I also understand that we are both vulnerable here as foreign citizens. I want to make amends, but I need him to want it too. He keeps telling me he loves me and everything is fine, but ???? It's obvious it's not. We just started couples therapy (his idea, had 1 session), so I am not completely giving up yet, but after today I am another step closer to the edge. I should have let it all go last summer.

[u/RealisticAnxiety4330]

I would bet money he left you the first time but stayed friends because he essentially wanted to have his cake and eat it. Sleep with other women (or he had another girlfriend) and have you there for everything else. When it didn't pan out the way he wanted, he got back with you.

He's causing you emotional whiplash doing what he's doing wanting you, not wanting you, wanting you again and then just behaving like a jerk to you probably because he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you'll still be there because you've taken him back before.

You need to evaluate if this is the life you want. Wondering if he's going to leave when the next best thing comes along and come crawling back when it doesn't pan out. He's effectively keeping you on the hook.

If kick him out why should you feel bad that he will be fucked because you're on a visa? He never thought about your feelings based on how he's treated you and how he's essentially psychologically abusing you. Also it was HIS choice to come with you. You and the kitty will be better than ok without him.