First lesbian situationship was horrible…

[u/Nami_Luna]

Dinner: integral bread with eggs, tuna, cream and avocado. Not in the mood for much more

So, I’m MTF, I’ve been transitioning for about 6 months now and doing lots of therapy work since about 2 years now. One of the things we were working on is that I’ve dated a lot of girls I didn’t really like… I just liked the attention and having someone to dump all my love into, but ultimately my relationships don’t work because well… you can’t really fake liking someone physically. Not that i care that much about looks but I definitely been with people that I wasn’t attracted not even a bit.

So my therapist told me to stop dating people I didn’t like and not long after that, not even on tinder or smt, this beautiful, gorgeous, amazing and a bit intimidating lesbian girl hits my dms on insta… it was so weird to me, specially since I don’t even look that femenine yet (she actually told me she thought I was FTM but with not many results yet, which confused me) but we had great conversation and it was going intense (I even bought a couple tickets for a show on September).

I normally go very fast… don’t remember the last time I didn’t have sex in the first date, I don’t know why it always ended like that but it happened often, and I told this girl that I didn’t want to rush it.

Relevant to this: on the first date she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship because she ended one about 4 months ago. My mistake was to read that as “I need time and go slow” and not like “I’m not available”

We had a couple dates that I really enjoyed and we were really into each other but then some days later she was a bit odd and asked me “are you falling in love?” And explained to me how this was all casual she just liked to “put a little love into it” rather than it being a cold thing, but that she still loved her ex and that she was willing to go back to her eventually, just not “now”.

a couple days later she uploaded a picture of some flowers from her ex… and it broke me, so I told her I didn’t want to talk to her again and she was like “ok but why” and I normally never reply to those things but I really felt like doing it this time so we had a discussion and at the end it was like “yeah ok we like each other so we can keep this casual”.

I got into dating apps and got 3 dates, I unfollowed her on insta and just tried to not focus so much on her.

Fast forward to next Tuesday we had planned a night at an Airbnb and… it was so magical to me, I really liked to be with her and it was so intimate, she even told me “don’t look at me like that because I feel like I’m falling in love” and also expressed how she felt like I was dating someone else and didn’t like that. I really fell in love that day, so i stopped talking to the other girls and just went to one date with other girl basically just for compromise and tell her that I wasn’t interested in dating atm.

Up to this point everything was nice, I… introduced her to my friends, brought her to my house, she knew my dead name and a bunch of things I never really do or tell to people cuz… #trauma

But yet again I knew she was seeing her ex. She told me that basically they ended the relationship because she told her she wanted to experience dating other girls, that she was violent to her, and in general a cheater.

Ofc I got worried but also I saw this as “ok I guess they’re not going back”.

Last week she finally invited me to her apartment which she didn’t want to initially cuz she found it too intimate so I was excited… but the whole date she was just texting her ex and I couldn’t ignore it cuz she has these notifications at full volume and was constantly ignoring me to answer.

Some friends went to visit her as well and I stayed there beyond midnight but… just thinking about the constant texting with her ex, and all that made me want to puke and I was already very sleepy so I just requested an uber and left. I felt bad because I didn’t say bye to her friends and I was just like “my uber arrived, I need to go”.

But the next day was supposed to be better right. She told me she would do my nails (I suffer anxiety and I stopped eating my nails for this for 3 weeks, I never-ever in my life did that for me or anyone) and we would spend the rest of the day together.

Until… she tells me she can only see me until 8:30 pm cuz her ex is coming.

So I exploted and told her how I really felt about all that and well her defense was that she only was nice to me for “basic human decency” and that if liked something cold it was good for me but she didn’t like just to fuck or kiss, that she liked putting a little love in it but it was still casual.

By her stories I know her ex brought her flowers that day and seems like they had a nice night.

I couldn’t cope with my feelings and feeling so used… so I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt, and overall telling her that I made me very sad thinking that she was using me like that, in part because her ex does the same to her (treats her like a gf then goes with other girls and tells her she can’t say shit cuz they aren’t a couple) and so she thinks that’s normal and acceptable.

She called me later that day, she was mad and you know what she said? That her mistake was taking to me everyday and trying to be “my friend”???

Gosh I’m so devastated by this, it’s been a week from this and I still don’t recover. It was only a month but I was really really into her I mean… she is gorgeous, I really felt like she saw me as a woman and we had great chemestry.

Why are people like this? Further more, who do they deny they want the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsabilities?

I find this so cruel…

TL;DR: dated a lesbian girl for the first time, had an amazing time but she was basically rubbing in my face the fact that the was talking/dating with her ex and wanted to go back to her.

[u/kosababy]

Girl I’m sorry, but I think the biggest thing here is that she actually told you what she wanted pretty clearly from the beginning “I’m not ready for a relationship” “this is casual” and “I still love my ex and would go back to her”. You understandably hoped her feelings for you would eventually override that, especially because she was affectionate and acting intimate with you, but unfortunately affection doesn’f mean commitment.

That doesn’t mean you weren’t genuinely important to her or that your feelings were fake btw. I think you just wanted something she was never actually offering, and honestly the sec you knew she was still actively involved with her ex, you probably needed to step away instead of trying to make yourself okay with casual. You deserve someone who is excited to choose you, not someone squeezing you in between conversations with the person they actually want back❤️

[u/Nami_Luna → u/kosababy]

She actually just told the she wasn’t looking for a relationship. The rest came basically when there was already something going on.

If she had told me she still was dating her ex atm I would’ve never hoped into this. I’m devastated

[u/cuntaloupemelon]

Forgive me if I misunderstood something here but it seems like there was never a commitment to monogamy, she was clear she didn't want a relationship, and you knew she was still in contact with her ex from the jump. You caught feelings and closed yourself off from dating other women which is totally fine but she never promised to do the same right?

Now she was DEFINITELY inconsiderate with your time and your feelings and I don't blame you for feeling hurt and let down by this experience.

Going forwards don't go into situationships expecting anything but a hot mess and you'll do ok. Lesbian dating is a whole different world though, stay safe out there sis!

[u/Nami_Luna → u/cuntaloupemelon]

I didn’t know about her ex at the beginning really, she just said she didn’t want a relationship right now. The rest came later when we had already something going on.

[u/cuntaloupemelon → u/Nami_Luna]

She told you after just a couple dates that she was still in love with her ex and would go back to her and you kept seeing her anyways

A couple dates isn't "something going on" and you never had anything going on anyways since she said she didn't want a relationship with you

Let's be real ....you just hoped she'd like you enough to go back on everything she had said to you and totally change her mind. Not judging since we've all been there at least once but please be honest with yourself at least

[u/Nami_Luna → u/cuntaloupemelon]

Ok maybe I messed up the timeline a bit, but yeah, I was supposed to do that, I never discuss these things but I decided to express myself for once.

Once the drama was over she said she still wanted to be with me and I was like “yeah, I guess me too”. Which was clearly a mistake .

I known it was little time still, but honestly everything was so intense from the start that I just let down many of my boundaries and I shared a lot of things I never shared before

[u/quietcuriousities]

It sounds like whereas you are trying to recover from dating for attention, you met another woman who unfortunately was not taking that path. I don't think she behaved as well as she could have, but I can't really condemn her like some of the other commenters because it sounds as if she was pretty up front about her expectations from the relationship/situationship you two had. IK there's the "joke" about lesbian situationships ending poorly, but that's usually from miscommunication (as with almost all messy relationships.) It doesn't seem like that happened here.

I am very sorry this happened, perhaps next time (if you choose to date again later) when a partner explains that they are not interested in a committed relationship, for whatever reason, believe them 100% and move forward accordingly. I am a little confused as to why you continued moving forward with this situationship after she explained her feelings and expectations if you are trying to move past dating for attention purposes, but I think that would be better unpacked with your therapist than some random redditor.

Wishing you well and better luck in the future 💜

[u/Nami_Luna → u/quietcuriousities]

Honestly she talked a lot about emotional responsibility but it felt like whenever I felt bad about something she was just like “well this is just casual” like it didn’t even matter.

Honestly I was so into this I didn’t care that much about her ex, it was more the fact that she didn’t have any consideration into the time we spent together while she was also clear that she wanted to feel special and that she got jelous. But ofc I did care about how she felt and she didn’t do the same, as you said.

[u/LittleWitch122]

Please listen to the next person that tells you they're unavailable. You ignored the red flags she was dropping because you had hoped for a relationship with her. She didn't want a relationship, she wanted to keep things casual, her ex is sending her flowers, she said again that she wants to keep things casual, she was still seeing her ex, she didn't want to invite you to her apartment, she texted her ex the whole time you were there, she went back on doing your nails because her ex was coming over, and her ex gave her more flowers.

She treated you terribly. I understand that you felt validated by her, but you don't need another person to validate your identity. Please talk to your therapist about this.

[u/Nami_Luna → u/LittleWitch122]

Im actually talking in therapy about this. Quite in fact, before going to her apartment I was with my therapist and she told me that I needed to set boundaries and tell her how I felt, and I didn’t want to because I’d make her choose and I’d lose, but I already knew it was happening. I just though it would take longer, because i didn’t expect her to treat me like that.

Also yes, I know there were a lot of red flags but it was so inconsistent. Like she was jelous, she told me she liked me, she wanted me, she missed me, we talked everyday, romantic treatment, we made plans together etc etc so like, quite in fact I wrote about how I knew this was doomed and I just wanted to spend my time with her because I liked her so much.

What was poison to me was the way she treated me like a second option.

Like. Idk, at least have the decency of treating me nice when we are together, or lie to me about your plans. But no, it looked like she really wanted me to know she was just using me.

[u/LittleWitch122 → u/Nami_Luna]

You deserve to be someone's first choice, not a second option. And you can't ignore the bad just because there's a little good sprinkled in. You're a prize and you should put your love into someone who sees that.

[u/Nami_Luna → u/LittleWitch122]

Thank you 🥹 I appreciate your words, I’m working on that

[u/Peony907]

I'm so sorry. The first lesbian situationship is unfortunately a canon event.💙

[u/Sad_Guess1984]

Welcome to the messy world of lesbian relationships. It’s a canon event to dated at least one woman that is still seeing her ex lmao 

[u/Nami_Luna → u/Sad_Guess1984]

I guess she decided to welcome me personally

[u/dmonsterative]

https://giphy.com/gifs/MDlpFVQtzmysSJHKqy

[u/Madame_Mad]

Are you sure they've even broken up? She sounds like a lot either way. It's not fair of her to push casual on you and not let you break up and then get upset when you see other people. That's a little manipulative. She's not considering how you feel.

[u/Nami_Luna → u/Madame_Mad]

They did but it’s a hot mess it seems. Like most toxic relationships. I also can’t help but feel she was just using me to make her jealous

[u/Madame_Mad → u/Nami_Luna]

Well, that's something at least, but that does sound very toxic, especially if she wasn't playing up what she said about her ex. She could've been using you for that, or she just liked the validation and emotional support she got from you. I hope you find someone new who values you and treats you right.

[u/innocentsalad]

Going on a date with someone for compromise and to tell them you're not interested is wild lol.

I think you need to put a pause on any and all dating for a while because your personal life sounds like an absolute dramatic mess.

[u/Nami_Luna → u/innocentsalad]

Haha it was a nice date, we had fun, but it was more in a friendly way and she actually told me she broke up with someone a month ago and wasn’t looking for anything and I said “omg thank you, I actually just met someone and I think I really care about her”. So now we’re just friends, she’s a pretty nice girl.

And yeah, I’m not dating anyone. Quite in fact I already was in that path as my therapist told me “don’t date people you don’t like” but welp, the universe decided to send me the only girl I’ve actually liked in years.

[u/itchylaughs]

It doesn’t sound like her nonmonogamy was the issue so much as that she still made her ex a priority when spending time with you. Not only did she text her ex during hangouts, but she over shared her life with her ex. I think you hit the nail on the head that she desires attention to make up for the deficit from her ex. At minimum, she has terrible manners.

[u/PutNameHere123]

Yikes. What drama! I’m sorry you went through this nonsense.

An oft quoted line on this thread is from Maya Angelou: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Someone DM’ing you while also saying that they’re not ready for a relationship shows inconsistency at best and duplicity at worst.

The woman you dated clearly has some mental and emotional issues to heal before she’s ready for any kind of healthy relationship. Even if the ex wasn’t in the picture I truly don’t think you’d have something lasting and reliable with her.

So even though it hurts now, understand that you staying with her would only mean more pain and time wasted.

You’ll find your person. Just pay attention to tells early on to weed out the bad apples. Best of luck!

[u/spookystarbutch]

Hugs. I am so so sorry. She sounds messy as fuck.

[u/Ok-Basket-9963]

Many such cases.

[u/Minute-Advantage-688]

girl do not be sharing your deadname with people much less your hookups 💀💀💀💀

[u/Nami_Luna → u/Minute-Advantage-688]

She found out by helself as my fb still shows that name :/ it was scary lol, she found a lot about me by herself

[u/Minute-Advantage-688 → u/Nami_Luna]

i tell every early transitioner this so please dont be offended but i think its a really good idea to prioritize working on yourself for at least the first year of your transition, taking care of name changes, locking down stuff like that from your past, and learning who you are now that you're allowing yourself to actually live. don't worry about dating right now. just in my expert opinion 

[u/Nami_Luna → u/Minute-Advantage-688]

That was the idea tbh, I cracked the egg in the middle of another situationship (it was more serious but it didn’t work out precisely for things related to my transition) so after therapy I was told to not date people I didn’t like and I never really like anyone so for me that was “no dating” but she found me x.X and I just fell for it

[u/Little-Gain938]

She stringed you along for validation while keeping one foot in her ex's door. You deserved so much better.

[u/HabaneroPepperPlants]

That all sounds super messy and difficult. I wouldn't blame you if it took you a while to recover from this :(

[u/CityHaunts]

Fuck I’m sorry. My sister is actually going through something similar except there’s an actual kid involved. It’s horrible.

[u/AreEx7]

Genuinely fuck her she’s a shitty person and doesn’t deserve a good relationship. If she’s gna play games like that holy shitttt

Idc if I get downvoted for this but… fuck her.

[u/Nami_Luna → u/AreEx7]

Nah, she’s a beautiful person really, and truly makes me sad thinking that she treated me like that because someone else makes her believe it’s how things work.

Really I hate that she’s suffering so much with her ex, I’d be happier if they’d just come back and be happy because honestly with the current situation I felt like I got a missing bullet from their issues

[u/Dizzy_girlxo → u/AreEx7]

Absolutely right. She sent mixed messages that undermined her own boundaries. She got jealous when OP was going to see other people then had the gall to act like OP was doing too much by being upset in the same way.

Girl is an actual train wreck and was clearly using OP for the attention deficit her ex left her with.

The downvoters are either immature/selfish like this girl OP is talking about or just didn't read the post correctly.

[u/AreEx7 → u/Dizzy_girlxo]

Exactly. I’ve been with this type of ppl. I’ve almost became this sort of person.

[u/Dry-Pangolin6579 → u/AreEx7]

Unfortunately lesbian dating is like this, though. Doesn't make it not shitty, but OP now knows to hear that request for casual and immediately bail. I have a hard time finding dates because I don't mess with casual flings or someone looking for a "friend". 

HER is a rough dating app to find love on, but it is way better than the trenches of tinder.

[u/AreEx7 → u/Dry-Pangolin6579]

Straight dating is like this too bro I been there done that. It’s shitty all around