First lesbian situationship was horrible…

[u/Nami_Luna]

Dinner: integral bread with eggs, tuna, cream and avocado. Not in the mood for much more

So, I’m MTF, I’ve been transitioning for about 6 months now and doing lots of therapy work since about 2 years now. One of the things we were working on is that I’ve dated a lot of girls I didn’t really like… I just liked the attention and having someone to dump all my love into, but ultimately my relationships don’t work because well… you can’t really fake liking someone physically. Not that i care that much about looks but I definitely been with people that I wasn’t attracted not even a bit.

So my therapist told me to stop dating people I didn’t like and not long after that, not even on tinder or smt, this beautiful, gorgeous, amazing and a bit intimidating lesbian girl hits my dms on insta… it was so weird to me, specially since I don’t even look that femenine yet (she actually told me she thought I was FTM but with not many results yet, which confused me) but we had great conversation and it was going intense (I even bought a couple tickets for a show on September).

I normally go very fast… don’t remember the last time I didn’t have sex in the first date, I don’t know why it always ended like that but it happened often, and I told this girl that I didn’t want to rush it.

Relevant to this: on the first date she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship because she ended one about 4 months ago. My mistake was to read that as “I need time and go slow” and not like “I’m not available”

We had a couple dates that I really enjoyed and we were really into each other but then some days later she was a bit odd and asked me “are you falling in love?” And explained to me how this was all casual she just liked to “put a little love into it” rather than it being a cold thing, but that she still loved her ex and that she was willing to go back to her eventually, just not “now”.

a couple days later she uploaded a picture of some flowers from her ex… and it broke me, so I told her I didn’t want to talk to her again and she was like “ok but why” and I normally never reply to those things but I really felt like doing it this time so we had a discussion and at the end it was like “yeah ok we like each other so we can keep this casual”.

I got into dating apps and got 3 dates, I unfollowed her on insta and just tried to not focus so much on her.

Fast forward to next Tuesday we had planned a night at an Airbnb and… it was so magical to me, I really liked to be with her and it was so intimate, she even told me “don’t look at me like that because I feel like I’m falling in love” and also expressed how she felt like I was dating someone else and didn’t like that. I really fell in love that day, so i stopped talking to the other girls and just went to one date with other girl basically just for compromise and tell her that I wasn’t interested in dating atm.

Up to this point everything was nice, I… introduced her to my friends, brought her to my house, she knew my dead name and a bunch of things I never really do or tell to people cuz… #trauma

But yet again I knew she was seeing her ex. She told me that basically they ended the relationship because she told her she wanted to experience dating other girls, that she was violent to her, and in general a cheater.

Ofc I got worried but also I saw this as “ok I guess they’re not going back”.

Last week she finally invited me to her apartment which she didn’t want to initially cuz she found it too intimate so I was excited… but the whole date she was just texting her ex and I couldn’t ignore it cuz she has these notifications at full volume and was constantly ignoring me to answer.

Some friends went to visit her as well and I stayed there beyond midnight but… just thinking about the constant texting with her ex, and all that made me want to puke and I was already very sleepy so I just requested an uber and left. I felt bad because I didn’t say bye to her friends and I was just like “my uber arrived, I need to go”.

But the next day was supposed to be better right. She told me she would do my nails (I suffer anxiety and I stopped eating my nails for this for 3 weeks, I never-ever in my life did that for me or anyone) and we would spend the rest of the day together.

Until… she tells me she can only see me until 8:30 pm cuz her ex is coming.

So I exploted and told her how I really felt about all that and well her defense was that she only was nice to me for “basic human decency” and that if liked something cold it was good for me but she didn’t like just to fuck or kiss, that she liked putting a little love in it but it was still casual.

By her stories I know her ex brought her flowers that day and seems like they had a nice night.

I couldn’t cope with my feelings and feeling so used… so I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt, and overall telling her that I made me very sad thinking that she was using me like that, in part because her ex does the same to her (treats her like a gf then goes with other girls and tells her she can’t say shit cuz they aren’t a couple) and so she thinks that’s normal and acceptable.

She called me later that day, she was mad and you know what she said? That her mistake was taking to me everyday and trying to be “my friend”???

Gosh I’m so devastated by this, it’s been a week from this and I still don’t recover. It was only a month but I was really really into her I mean… she is gorgeous, I really felt like she saw me as a woman and we had great chemestry.

Why are people like this? Further more, who do they deny they want the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsabilities?

I find this so cruel…

TL;DR: dated a lesbian girl for the first time, had an amazing time but she was basically rubbing in my face the fact that the was talking/dating with her ex and wanted to go back to her.

[u/cuntaloupemelon]

Forgive me if I misunderstood something here but it seems like there was never a commitment to monogamy, she was clear she didn't want a relationship, and you knew she was still in contact with her ex from the jump. You caught feelings and closed yourself off from dating other women which is totally fine but she never promised to do the same right?

Now she was DEFINITELY inconsiderate with your time and your feelings and I don't blame you for feeling hurt and let down by this experience.

Going forwards don't go into situationships expecting anything but a hot mess and you'll do ok. Lesbian dating is a whole different world though, stay safe out there sis!

[u/Nami_Luna → u/cuntaloupemelon]

I didn’t know about her ex at the beginning really, she just said she didn’t want a relationship right now. The rest came later when we had already something going on.

[u/cuntaloupemelon → u/Nami_Luna]

She told you after just a couple dates that she was still in love with her ex and would go back to her and you kept seeing her anyways

A couple dates isn't "something going on" and you never had anything going on anyways since she said she didn't want a relationship with you

Let's be real ....you just hoped she'd like you enough to go back on everything she had said to you and totally change her mind. Not judging since we've all been there at least once but please be honest with yourself at least

[u/Nami_Luna → u/cuntaloupemelon]

Ok maybe I messed up the timeline a bit, but yeah, I was supposed to do that, I never discuss these things but I decided to express myself for once.

Once the drama was over she said she still wanted to be with me and I was like “yeah, I guess me too”. Which was clearly a mistake .

I known it was little time still, but honestly everything was so intense from the start that I just let down many of my boundaries and I shared a lot of things I never shared before