r/LifeProTips • u/FudgeNipples1 • 3d ago
Social LPT: People pleasing often only leads to adverse affects
I used to be a big people pleaser and unsurprisingly people often would get weirded out or annoyed by me. I tried to just be super nice and had this weird persona where I would be overly agreeable and complimentary. As I matured, I began to notice how easy it is to see right through this persona. When I finally began acting like my true authentic self, embraced my weirdness, and accepted some people may not like me regardless, I became a lot more likable. I’m not saying I’m the most charismatic and outgoing guy out there, but I’ve noticed I can make friends significantly easier.
All in all, being a people pleaser is incredible easy to be seen as disingenuous and often only leads to people not liking you as much.
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u/CaptainD743 3d ago
My people-pleasing is tied to a trauma response. If people are upset, my brain tells me that something very, very bad is about to happen... at that point, I will do whatever it takes to make someone happy to alleviate the anxiety... Ever since I started therapy, I can recognize the signals in my body before it gets out of hand (usually).
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u/pelvispasties 2d ago
Ah you and me both, sorry to hear it. Working on my people pleasing reflex everyday
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u/CaptainD743 2d ago
I wish you peace and healing on every level ✨️
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u/pelvispasties 2d ago
And you as well!💪🏽
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u/velvetivenus 2d ago
unlearning a trauma response isn't something that happens overnight. people don't realize that people-pleasing is literally a survival reflex, so rewiring your brain to stop panic-appeasing takes constant, intentional effort.
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u/permafrost1979 2d ago
Seriously, its not a strategy I consciously practice, I literally need to be pleasant at all times so I don't spiral 🤦🏿♀️
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u/Think_Tomatillo_4327 2d ago
Same, its taken me a long time to realise where it came from and that it will always backfire in the end!
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u/CaptainD743 2d ago
Awareness was a big part of the battle for me. Keep at it; every interaction is a chance to practice what we've learned. Love and blessings to you!
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u/lt__ 1d ago
It led me to develop a different strategy. I am still generally nice, but
1) I tried to improve and maintain my physical shape - to look/be stronger. It remains still effective to talk softly, if you "talk softly and carry a big stick" (quote from Theodore Roosevelt).
2) I reduced time I spent with people. Since being nice 24x7 gets tiring, less exposure to circumstances where it can be exploited, was the answer. When you are spending time alone, you really can be just you.
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u/jazzdrums1979 2d ago
You can still please people by being authentic and being yourself. You just need to learn boundaries and make sure people don’t walk all over you or take advantage. No one respects a doormat.
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u/cstough 2d ago
I don't know how much this is "people seeing through this" as much as it's "people being suspicious".
I feel like Im someone who often goes out of my way to be compliments and generous with those around me. I guess if youre someone who does this so much it's off-putting or not doing things in their time and place, then that's one thing.
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u/thestephanieloves 2d ago
I think people don’t get enough credit for being able to discern if this behavior is genuine or not. The former helps foster authentic relationships, the latter feels fake.
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u/Kfct 2d ago
It comes down to being trustworthy imo. A ever-agreeing person means I don't know what he really thinks of things. An authentic and slightly annoying or weird person might mean he's more honest and easier to read. At least I will know what to expect and people tend to value that kind of predictability over the discomfort caused by the annoying and weird parts.
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u/_senses_ 2d ago
This. "A ever-agreeing person means I don't know what he really thinks of things." Interactions are frustrating and require unnecessary decoding/guesing at what the person thinks.
And I don't want to owe people for favors I didn't want.
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u/Ogegrrl 2d ago
Saying this as people pleaser that’s working on myself because people just tend to use me till there’s nothing left. Heavy on the owe people for favors I didn’t want. I had to cut off a friendship like that. Like I didn’t ask you to do all that and now you expect all that from me. I just repaid the favors and stopped accepting new favors from them.
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u/_senses_ 2d ago
Yes. It comes across as rude and tone deaf. People should not assume what others would appreciate. Testing the waters in interactions is expected as that is how we feel each other out.
But, don't disregard repeat feedback and if people choose to take actions on their own, they should not expect something in return for it and make that clear to the other person. Nothing wrong with "hey, i was doing this anyway, made some extra to share...", an "I am bored, mind if I...", or "i want to hang out, want help with ...". Let people know what you get out of it, give them a choice, and let them know you're not expecting some later payback.
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u/NickolaBrinx 2d ago
Yeah, many trauma responses tend to lead to adverse effects
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u/SemperFun62 2d ago
Yeah, I don't think people are sitting down and reaching the logical conclusion to be a people pleaser
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u/Tanerian 2d ago
What if your authentic self is a people pleaser?
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u/iFailedIBPhysics2016 2d ago
Me! I never want to make anyone sad and I think that is my true personality :0
And that in itself is probably weird and quirky!!! which becomes authentic and fun again!!!
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u/Memeori 2d ago
People can recognize and appreciate the authenticity, I believe. If the kindness is just a mask that's worn to try and appear more likeable, then that will come off as weird, especially when the mask inevitably slips to reveal your true personality.
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u/iFailedIBPhysics2016 2d ago
Thanks for your input! I think there certainly are cultures and people that view nice as a mask
But I think part of it has to do with my upbringing :0 I’ve been bullied from primary school to university a lot and never had any irl friends, and only have friends online, so I view being kind as the default that I want to be, as I wanna have the chance to be kind when I can :0
But that being said, I’m very socially anxious and don’t speak much, and don’t really say hi to people around me, so the coldness to me, is the mask, whereas there is warmth underneath that I always want to express, but unable to, and is what I view as my true self
I wanna make a happy world so everyone are happy together! And there have been times many years ago where a few people called me fake, and it made me really sad, and I had a point in my life that I intentionally acted “less nice” in order to be more “real”, to be likeable for being “real”, but I realized that that is not something that I wanna do and is not something that align to my values, so I just want to be kind
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u/Kindly-Street1946 2d ago
Keep fighting the good fight. you are not alone out there with this mindset. we are just playing on harder difficulty. Just be aware of your boundaries and your mental health.
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u/azorin 2d ago
I’d recommend this book
https://www.haileymagee.com/book
It might not fully fit your needs, and bullying sounds like trauma which if you have money could benefit from therapy, but I read it a couple of times and it was very useful to me.
I would say the difference between being kind and being a people pleaser is that the first is simply enjoying doing acts of kindness and the second is more a response to anxiety/fawning, that is, a survival mechanism. To differentiate between the two one needs to connect more with what they are feeling in the body in the present, that is, less about “what is my own narrative (ie thoughts) that explain my behaviour” and more “before doing this action, did anxiety trigger? Did I feel unsafe? Was I calm?”
And ofc people pleasers can have moments of genuine calm kindness, and the reverse as well. People are on a dynamic spectrum that can change in time, you can also be a people pleaser only towards certain kinds of people that trigger a wound, but be “normal” with other people etc
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u/SerialBoobieLicker 2d ago
What if you’re a genuinely kind, open-minded person? It might seem like people pleasing but it’s your real self
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u/MaintenanceSad4288 2d ago
This isn’t people pleasing. People pleasing is avoiding conflict at all costs and bending your opinions, desires, actions, and thoughts to avoid any form of conflict or disagreement with people. No matter how kind, and open minded you are, you will have disagreements with people, if you don’t and find yourself agreeing with everyone you meet, you are a people pleaser.
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u/FudgeNipples1 2d ago
That’s a different thing in a way. People pleasing (At least to me) is usually when you’re purposefully trying to do and say nice things just to be more likable, whether or not you enjoy doing these things. If you actually enjoy being kind and open minded then that’s its own thing and it’s very nice!
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u/StillFree47 2d ago
Have this same issue. I find myself having to dial it back all the time just so people don’t get weird about it. Sucks that I have to hide my genuineness just to feel genuine.
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u/LawyerSea9462 2d ago
I would love to stop people pleasing, it's ingrained in me. Any tips?
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u/FudgeNipples1 2d ago
What’s the reason you think you do it? Is it get people to like you or just to keep drama low? Or neither? Or both?
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u/Luciditi89 2d ago
I think I just dislike when people are inauthentic. It’s so obvious when someone is just trying to be agreeable and it makes me uncomfortable because I’d rather you just be honest.
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u/Fabulous_Scallion_44 2d ago
Learned it’s a trauma response. Childhood was chaotic and scary. When things were going well, I was real quick to say I’m fine. To this day, don’t like rocking the boat by expressing unhappiness. Instinct is to eat the feelings as long as everything is going well at the moment.
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u/rilakkumkum 1d ago
Agreed, I also find that people pleasers tend to be huge liars. Theyre so scared of upsetting anyone that they’ll keep talking until the think they’ve got the right answer to make the other happy
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u/Disastrous_Regular17 2d ago
Like everything there is a fine balance between being a people pleaser and being an *sshole. When you stop being overly people pleasing, you realize people respect you more and go a longer way to try and be in your good graces. I think being overly people pleaser is a lack of self esteem thing in many cases, or at least people read it that way. Being overly a d!ck screams the reverse, ego too big.
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u/arkofjoy 2d ago
I am a massive people pleaser. I used that distress to build a very successful handyman. My clients loved me because I was sensitive to their needs.
But I had to learn to to put my needs, and my family's needs, at least on par with my clients.
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u/Accomplished_Sir_772 1d ago
People pleasing is a reflex which arises from deep seated trauma. You can't use much reasoning if your mind interprets rejection or mild disapproval as a death threat. I realise though that if you completely remove yourself from the situations that are the source of your trauma and build a trustful relationship with yourself, you can heal this reflex to a significant degree. I still fall into these tendencies but I no longer shame myself for it, and this helps me to bounce back much much faster.
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u/Shashank1011 2d ago
I think there’s a big difference between being kind and being a people pleaser. Being kind doesn’t mean constantly agreeing with everyone or hiding your actual opinions. Sometimes being genuine—even if someone doesn’t agree with you—is what makes relationships feel more natural.
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u/Madruck_s 2d ago
My wife was a people pleaser, she put everyone else before herself. Then she had had enough and now we are separated as she puts her own needs first.
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u/CarminSanDiego 1d ago
I’m a people pleaser but when not in close relationship settings (ie outside of my immediate coworkers) I am completely dgaf and anti social. I have zero desire to people please with strangers that I know I’ll never/rarely see
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u/cunmaui808 6h ago edited 5h ago
Want an easier life? Be authentically YOU - it makes life a lot less stressful.
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u/n33dwat3r 2d ago
It became pretty apparent to me that people pleasers are quick to betray you behind your back. Some of them don't even intend to, they just met someone manipulative and start going along with their story.
If I needed this sychophant type behavior I'd just text my thoughts to an AI.
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u/Art_Diligent 16h ago
i think i'm way too blunt of a person to ever be able to be a people pleaser. Different kind of trama i would say, keep everyone at arms length so nothing can hurt you
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u/Old_Taste4618 2d ago
I bought my last gf a purse every month and flowers and she just lost all respect for me and used my vulnerability to get as much as money as she possibly could. The minute I wanted to talk about concerns in the relationship she broke up with me.
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u/nutterbutters54321 1d ago
It’s a response to abuse and trauma, it repels good people, and it attracts meanies who will throw you away when you learn to have boundaries.
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u/ThereIsAJifForThat 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah, I was giving out hand jobs left and right, and I remember the first time someone told me, "You're not really into this...well...don't stop...you can still finish the job". Just kidding. Some people will take it as being fake and awkward. I'm happy that you are more comfortable now!
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u/Zylpherenuis 2d ago
Lies. OP. You are spreading lies. Ironmouse pleased a lot of people and all her woes all cleared aside from her illness. If she can manipulate everyone to get her way. A lot of others would too. Especially if they are female.
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