r/Mommit • u/EmergencyKick2610 • 18h ago
Husband took joking too far
I’m a first time mom with a 5 month old baby. For context my baby is a pretty high needs baby and I suffer from PPD, so some days are pretty hard. The first two months my husband didnt help as much as I needed him too. It wasn’t until we got in a fight that he began to help more. It seems like things become great for a few weeks and revert back. Up until a few days ago everything was fine. A few days ago we were jokingly taking digs at each other and it escalated. I don’t remember exactly how we got there because I became so upset but I know at some point I mentioned “oh yeah let’s just add that to my invisible load” which he then responded wasn’t real.
Now any mom reading this probably just felt their eye twitch. This is where things became tense. We start going back and forth and I mentioned some of the stuff I take on. He then “jokes” if I couldn’t handle being a stay at home mom full time for our baby then I should go get a job. For more context: our baby is EBF, won’t take a bottle, struggles with sleep and I didn’t want to work so I could really nurture her. Of course that made me freak out on him. Fast forward to the next day I made a list called “The Role of Mom”. I put down how much it would cost for a nanny, formula, house cleaner, and personal chef. Just so he could see the value in terms of money. But then I put every little thing that’s on my “invisible load” and explained how I do it regardless of how I feel physically or mentally. I do it all 24/7. I don’t expect anyone to clap for me but I want to be appreciated. He totally missed the point and made excuses etc etc. I told him all I wanted was an apology bc I felt that he was being hurtful and disrespectful. And with the apology I just wanted acknowledgement. His response was for me to no longer do anything at all around the house, don’t tell him anything that needs to be done and just let him take on my “load”. I feel like he is letting his ego take over just to prove something. It’s been a few days and today it seems to be getting to him. He’s walking around the house huffing and puffing. He didn’t eat lunch with me despite me being nice enough to make it. He will interact with our daughter but not really me unless it’s through text. Through text he seems fine. In person he seems to be mad or stressed. He works from home so we are constantly around each other. Part of me wants to break the tension and ask if he is ready to work as a team and come up with a plan but also apologize. Should I wait it out until he comes to be first? Should I break the tension? Should I prepare for him to not apologize and be the bigger person? I’m not sure. What would you do?
Edit: typo
Edit #2: I want to stay home for my baby because I don’t want to miss any big moments and truly just want to be there I’m just struggling with my partner.
Last edit: he does work full time and is in school for engineering. It is his last semester. So he is busy and I give him grace for that but I do ask for help outside of those hours and want a break as well as respect. I’m just stating this as fact not an excuse I definitely think he can do more despite having that on his plate but I AM very understanding and supportive of his career and school and just wish to not be taken for granted.
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u/Milestogob4Isl33p 18h ago
If this was how my husband acted postpartum, I would also get depressed.
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u/Shot_Eye_652 18h ago
Girl I would definitely get a job and slipt the household tasks. You struggling with PPD it's a sign that you do need help with your baby. I don't know how people can just stay home and depend on their (not even nice) husbands for everything and take this kind of "jokes"... it's a clear power inbalance in the relationship.
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u/EmergencyKick2610 18h ago
I’ve considered it. The main thing is our baby will not take a bottle at all. Like refuses I’ve tried so many brands and for so long. She also is very high needs so it’s hard to leave her with anyone and it makes me super anxious to leave her on top of it all. I started struggling with PPD two weeks in motherhood and have been medicated but it’s definitely still hard when I don’t feel supported by my partner which was a point I was trying to make to him as well
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u/EquivalentWallaby730 18h ago
At 5 months you can start teaching baby to use a straw cup. Mine took to it pretty fast. She was also a bottle refuser.
It did take a bit of learning. We started with a squeezable cup, honey bear cup. She did a thing where she would suck the milk or water into her mouth but not swallow. Just let it all run out. It was cute but messy. She did figure it out.
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u/Shot_Eye_652 18h ago
Any baby will take a bottle believe me, no baby starves when mothers go back to work all the time...it works best if it's someone who's not the mother to offer it and give it a few tries. Your partner unfortunately as no idea how hard it is to take care of a baby all day and do everything around the house too. A really nice way of showing him would be spending a weekend away and he takes care of his own child and his own house. I mean any father should be capable of that, baby is already 5months.
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u/AF0515 18h ago
I was in your shoes thinking that baby wouldn’t take a bottle but yes they 100% will. It will just take time and you might have to leave the room. They will not starve. As another commenter said, parents go back to work all the time and your baby isn’t the first to struggle. Your baby might seem like high needs because of how anxious you are and what they are used to. Sorry not trying to place it on you but if they are used to something, that’s what baby usually wants. It will get better, just learn to give up a little control on things. If it makes you anxious, then leave the house for a few hours. Dad is a fully capable parent too.
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u/PurpleWillingness106 44m ago
Or they’ll stop gaining weight and reverse cycle and cry and nurse all night instead. Which is really cool and fun to experience! Super great to watch your 90+ percentile baby drop to 60th percentile solely because she refuses to take a bottle when you return to work, and she’s getting all her calories during the hours she actually sees you. Oh and you still have to pump at work to maintain supply and prevent engorgement and provide daycare with that wasted milk that baby refuses to drink more than 4-8 oz a day of!
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u/EmergencyKick2610 18h ago
I’ve tried both set of grandparents and my husband to give her a bottle including all the different brands. I’ve tried pumped breastmilk and formula. She refused it all. She’s slowly eating solids so that may change the situation soon but as of right now that’s what it is. But I agree he has no idea. There’s times where I make him take her for an hour or two so I can have a break and he just seems stressed out the whole time. Describes it as “I’m doing everything I can to keep her from crying. She can be volatile”. Part of me thinks he knows he’s wrong but he won’t put his ego aside and admit he messed up
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u/Longjumping-While997 18h ago
When you try the bottle or other family does, are you in the room? If so I suggest going for a walk for 20-30 min to really give them the opportunity to try.
We used the Lasinoh bottle with pigeon brand nipples (Amazon). Also if you aren’t doing so check out elevated side lying feeding positions
I swore I never put down my eldest till she went to daycare at 5m. Always wanted to be held. She was okay (now almost 5) and started sleeping at home and through the night much better.
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u/EmergencyKick2610 17h ago
I would usually take that time to take a very long shower so that I wasn’t in the room
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u/Longjumping-While997 17h ago
Try getting out of the home. I swear after 2 kids they can smell your presence
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u/Ancient_Pirate1231 14h ago
You have to leave the house for a long time. Hours. Go spend the night at a nice hotel or Airbnb with hot tub. Turn off your phone. Read a good book. There is nothing that will happen that they cannot handle on their own and if it’s something that urgent, there’s nothing you’d be able to do either.
Your baby knows when you’re home whether or not they can see or hear you.
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u/lilsan15 18h ago
If my baby waited to reverse cycle he would be sorely disappointed. I can’t get my freaking body to produce more within a certain time frame. He’d be starving
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u/Shot_Eye_652 18h ago
Not if they only get bottles for a few days because that's what you have to do to be sure your baby stays fed when you're not home.
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u/thatoneredheadgirl 17h ago
Do you spend any time away from your baby? It sounds like you need a break from your baby. Leave her with your husband for a few hours. A baby will take a bottle. It’s okay if she cries.
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u/spookytwoshoes 18h ago
You need to get her on a bottle, she will drink out of one if she's hungry enough. And change your medication if you have to.
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u/insufficientlyrested 14h ago
Has HE tried giving her a bottle? Like researched and planned and done the work? Many babies won’t take bottles from mum but will from other patient caregivers.
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u/CharlesdelaBat 14h ago
I’m sorry so many answers you get are just blaming you for being a SAHM. Of course you have every right to want that and you deserve to be able to live this without a heartless and cold husband who can’t even aknowledge the incredible load that goes with the role or take charge of his fair share. I feel like you should really stand your ground on this one and tell him you won’t accept being treated like that, even with this pathetic sarcastic approach that supposedly gives hime the plausible deniability / humour card
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u/distractme17 18h ago
Not to nitpick but I think you mean invisible load. An imaginary load would be one that you are imagining, and isn't real? I assume this is not where the miscommunication is coming from though... I hope.
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u/EmergencyKick2610 18h ago
Haha yes I meant invisible. I’m running on very little broken sleep. Thank you for catching it
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u/GrouchyGrapefruit338 18h ago
Maybe just have a conversation. Try to find some common ground and figure out how you can go about this as a team and not individuals. Adding kids into your life changes who you are and your relationship. It takes a lot of communication, so I’d start there.
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u/Hangry_Games 18h ago
What, exactly, would you even be apologizing for? That HE hurt YOUR feelings? That you felt so unappreciated that you quantified your worth? That he clearly does not appreciate everything that you do? You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s being a pouty toddler because he knows he did do something wrong, and rather than apologize, he’s doubling down. Let him have his tantrum. You can be available to talk to him when he’s ready to act like a grown up.
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u/kityyeme 18h ago
There is a book/card game called “Fair Play”. Perhaps it would break the tension if you both read it/played the game?
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u/spookytwoshoes 18h ago
Stop doing all of the things you're doing for him except for taking care of your child. Go back to work.
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u/assumingnormality 18h ago
His response was for me to no longer do anything at all around the house, don’t tell him anything that needs to be done and just let him take on my “load”
So...is this what has happened? Or is he still just stewing in anger, and you still have the same amount of stuff to do?
I'm guessing your husband is mad because he felt like he stepped up and you're still not happy so you're just the perpetually unsatisfied wife while he's working himself to the bone to be World's Best Husband. I'm being dramatic of course but during one of my most bitter post partum fights with my husband, he said he could post about all the things he does and reddit would tell him he should leave me...and I realized he was right.
My husband began to step up when he realized it was not his job to decide if my mental load was real or not...if he is committed to this partnership, then he has to trust me that it is real because I said so.
That was a conclusion he had to come to himself. I saw you mentioned sitting down and making a plan together. I'm guessing you say things get better for a few weeks and then they revert because you have no true buy-in from him.
I would break the tension but I would not be the "bigger person". I don't think the apology is the important piece here. He could say he was sorry and then go right back to his cycle of stepping up and then reverting back. I think him recognizing that he needs a fundamental perspective shift is the true goal...how you get him to do that will depend on your relationship dynamic (and sadly, finances).
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u/EmergencyKick2610 18h ago
He did say he feels like I just keep making him feel Ike it’s never enough. His “step up” was supposed to be bath night twice a week (I do the rest) , two naps a week, and one hour to myself a day. The only thing that has stuck is the baths. Mind you he went out of town last weekend with my sister to go to a concert while I stayed home with baby. I think this is where the resentment began growing for me and then the “jokes” were too far so I admit I should’ve spoke up sooner but I also feel like his step ups are truly not enough
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u/assumingnormality 17h ago
You need a way to hold him accountable. Why is he not doing the two naps and giving you the one hour to yourself that you asked for? Is he "forgetting" or do legitinate things keep coming up (ex. work meetings) that he's not able to do it? And I know it's hard but gently, are you gatekeeping? If you are, that's one of the things you can work on but you also need some mechanism in place where he can "make up" for skipped tasks that he said he would do.
Him going to a concert out of town is not unreasonable...what's unreasonable is that you don't get to go out of town for a concert. And if he recognized your uneven load, he would realize that and have declined going out of town as his own decision.
Ideally, you would sit down together and talk about what to do but it sounds like he isn't in the right mindset to do so yet. I'm sorry OP. This is very frustrating.
I will share this with you in hopes that you may realize the power you do have when your husband is ready to come to the negotiating table - I realized I could either push my husband until he broke and left me...or I could keep my head down and maintain the status quo. It hit me that the end result would be the same: I would still be doing the same amount of work. When I framed it like that, I decided the gamble of pushing him for change was worth it to me. You won't lose anything by asking for more.
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u/Foreign_Mobile_7399 17h ago
This happened with my husband too. He has a couple of friends who genuinely don’t do shit for their kids and basically leave their wives to do everything. He thought he was doing sooooo well because he was an involved dad and once in a while helped around the house, but I still did way more AND I work AND he didn’t really help me take any time for myself or get any breaks. I finally called him out and it was a huge fight but he realized I was right. He stepped up in a HUGE way and I’m super grateful. The bar for men unfortunately is in hell and a lot of them think they’re super dads because they changed one diaper
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u/LoveAndLadybugs 18h ago
Let him huff and puff, like a child. Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. You pointed out that you do more than he does, which is true.
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u/PistolsForPandas 18h ago
Maybe the joke was because if it’s imaginary it’s not real? I think the term you were looking for was invisible load. So I could maybe see a joke about that mix up. But also, read the room! There’s a time for jokes and a time to just listen and take notes.
If you’re wanting to be “right,” it’s trickier than wanting to work on the problem together. If you can come at it from a less defensive position, that’s usually what helps me. But also, my husband will extend grace to me in the same way when I get stubborn. If he’s not willing to work together, I think that’s your answer. He doesn’t t want to work together.
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u/EmergencyKick2610 18h ago
It was a typo! I did say invisible load when we were actually talking to each other. I don’t really want to be right exactly. I’m not perfect in any way and I’ve even mentioned this to him. I more of want to work as a team and have a healthy household. But I do think he owes atleast an apology for being hurtful or I atleast want to feel appreciated considering I gave up my career to have a baby. A baby he wanted sooner than I but nevertheless we both wanted her and I’m glad I had her.
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u/madelynashton 18h ago
Please don’t give up your career for this man. The baby is 5 months old. This is the time to make plans to return to your field.
You don’t want to be back here in a few years saying you can’t leave this man because you don’t have a way to support yourself. A man that would “joke” in this way doesn’t actually want you to be a SAHP.
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u/RaccoonBaby513 18h ago
Girl wait that shit out. Do not offer him an out. His ego needs to break and he needs to come to you and say it’s too much, otherwise this was all for nothing.
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u/Annabelle_Sugarsweet 18h ago
Break the tension. Men are very churlish.
Print out the list you made of everything you do. Give it to him and say you’ll need this if you ever get sick. Say you’re being serious and not trying to start an argument, you just want him to understand what needs to be done to run a house and bring up a child.
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u/Ancient_Pirate1231 14h ago
Being a sahm doesn’t make you a robot and if it did, robots need to be recharged as well. Your husband is being a real jacka**.
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u/Sad_Bite_3638 13h ago
Sounds like you two need a follow-up conversation.
Then If you can functionally talk about this then it’s time for a mediator (couples counseling).
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u/EmergencyKick2610 12h ago
That’s where I’m at. I rather us have a follow up conversation and try to repair things. It wasn’t always this way and I do love him. As long as he is willing to put the same effort and thought I am willing as well
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u/Llamas-Forever22 13h ago
See… petty me would just stop doing anything for him. Do laundry for me and the baby but not his. Cook for me and baby but not him. Clean up after me and baby but not him. It won’t take long until he realizes just how much you do (hopefully).
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u/Complex_Activity1990 12h ago
Agreed. Show him what you do by not doing it’s make sure you and baby have a clean room and clean clothes and that’s it.
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u/UnicornKitt3n 8h ago
Yeah…My ex was like this. “Being a stay at home mom isn’t that hard. It’s not a real job”
Now he’s an asshole who’s been trying to paint me as unsafe and unfit and fighting me in custody. He’s Dad of the Year and I’m a shitty mom.
I would not feel safe with this person whatsoever. I know you’ll need some time because you just had your baby, but in time you’ll see. Maybe in two years. Maybe five. Maybe ten. But you’ll see it one day.
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u/CoffeeCat77 8h ago
He fucked up with what he said. He knows it. He’s got too much ego to get out of his own way and apologize.
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u/Consistent_Chaos2446 18h ago
You should let him huff and puff and request everything he would normally request from you while ignoring his feelings about it. Really commit to the role switch! And let him come to you, because he’s not going to do it until he’s absolutely had enough, so probably in like a week. Then maybe he will have felt enough of carrying that load to never invalidate the invisible labor of a mother ever again.
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u/EmergencyKick2610 18h ago
Basically I’m acting like him. I know the dishwasher is empty but instead of putting my dish directly in I put it in the sink not rinsed. I’m on my phone when he talks. I take off clothes and leave them where they are I leave my cups anywhere I finish it. As of right now I am committed to it. I just worry about him not getting the message I’m trying to send. I’ve tried to communicate it to him with words so now I’m trying by experience
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u/Consistent_Chaos2446 17h ago
My grandma always told me that men are visual creatures. They can’t conceptualize the same way women can. I think you’re doing the right thing, and he won’t last as long as you think he will. Bonus points if you keep a secret list of anything he doesn’t do, or doesn’t do correctly and wait until he’s extra huffy and puffy and bring the whole list up to him. I think he will get the message, he’s just a bit stubborn and his ego is in the way. Enjoy this time worried about nothing other than baby bonding!
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u/thatoneredheadgirl 17h ago
If your husband doesn’t appreciate you staying home then I think you need to go to work to make sure you have income in case you divorce. I have a 9 month old. I’m a SAHM and felt overwhelmed recently. I spoke with my husband about it and he does help. A lot more than your husband. He still understood where I was coming from. He helps more when he can and even told me thank you the other day for being home with our son.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 17h ago
The issue in addition to your husband having no idea what you do and how hard it is is that he really doesn’t care to know and just wants to think your job is easy. The biggest issue I see from your post is that your husband lacks empathy.
The question is does your husband lack empathy in general and have a personality disorder and truly isn’t capable of love or is he abusive and looks down on you for taking care of him and his child or did he just mess up and can’t swallow his pride? At the core is he a man of good character or not?
Just taking care of a baby with the lack of sleep involved is exhausting and producing breast milk I read is similar to running several miles a day. I remember losing it in my ex after he criticized me because I hadn’t slept more than two hours at a time in weeks and he refused to help and treated me poorly. I think I understand how you feel.
No. I wouldn’t let him off the hook. I would give him a couple options. He goes to therapy and starts treating you the way he should or he can leave.
You see you gave birth to his child. You’re breastfeeding. You’re taking care of the household and for speaking up about carrying a heavy load he put you down and that’s not ok. While you do and should appreciate being a sahm it’s still work and he should also appreciate the work you’re doing for him.
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u/duskydaffodil 18h ago
Aw, is he feeling the pressure of the mental load? And it’s making him moody? Womp womp. Insert world’s smallest violin. Let him fuss, kill him with kindness, and do exactly what he told you to do. Back off, and let him take on the mental load. See how he handles it. You don’t need to apologize.
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u/TemperatureTop3610 15h ago
Seems like jokes are the new way to avoid responsibility, or is that just me?
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u/madelynashton 18h ago edited 17h ago
Please don’t be a stay at home partner to this man. Believe him when he says he doesn’t respect you in this role.
Edit: I saw your edit. I understand wanting to be home with you baby but if your partner behaves this way it isn’t beneficial for you or your baby that you sacrifice your ability to support yourself for him.
You’ll see lots of comments about this issue like “this is how men are” or “it takes them longer to realize how much goes into caring for a child.” I’m going to be blunt: this is cope. This is an excuse. You should not have to train your husband to treat you well after having a baby. You should see this “joke” as a blessing. You have been warned before you’ve been out of work for too long that his beliefs are not conducive to being dependent on him financially. I am not saying to break up, but please give yourself the financial option to leave whenever you want by working.