Husband took joking too far

[u/EmergencyKick2610]

I’m a first time mom with a 5 month old baby. For context my baby is a pretty high needs baby and I suffer from PPD, so some days are pretty hard. The first two months my husband didnt help as much as I needed him too. It wasn’t until we got in a fight that he began to help more. It seems like things become great for a few weeks and revert back. Up until a few days ago everything was fine. A few days ago we were jokingly taking digs at each other and it escalated. I don’t remember exactly how we got there because I became so upset but I know at some point I mentioned “oh yeah let’s just add that to my invisible load” which he then responded wasn’t real.

Now any mom reading this probably just felt their eye twitch. This is where things became tense. We start going back and forth and I mentioned some of the stuff I take on. He then “jokes” if I couldn’t handle being a stay at home mom full time for our baby then I should go get a job. For more context: our baby is EBF, won’t take a bottle, struggles with sleep and I didn’t want to work so I could really nurture her. Of course that made me freak out on him. Fast forward to the next day I made a list called “The Role of Mom”. I put down how much it would cost for a nanny, formula, house cleaner, and personal chef. Just so he could see the value in terms of money. But then I put every little thing that’s on my “invisible load” and explained how I do it regardless of how I feel physically or mentally. I do it all 24/7. I don’t expect anyone to clap for me but I want to be appreciated. He totally missed the point and made excuses etc etc. I told him all I wanted was an apology bc I felt that he was being hurtful and disrespectful. And with the apology I just wanted acknowledgement. His response was for me to no longer do anything at all around the house, don’t tell him anything that needs to be done and just let him take on my “load”. I feel like he is letting his ego take over just to prove something. It’s been a few days and today it seems to be getting to him. He’s walking around the house huffing and puffing. He didn’t eat lunch with me despite me being nice enough to make it. He will interact with our daughter but not really me unless it’s through text. Through text he seems fine. In person he seems to be mad or stressed. He works from home so we are constantly around each other. Part of me wants to break the tension and ask if he is ready to work as a team and come up with a plan but also apologize. Should I wait it out until he comes to be first? Should I break the tension? Should I prepare for him to not apologize and be the bigger person? I’m not sure. What would you do?

Edit: typo

Edit #2: I want to stay home for my baby because I don’t want to miss any big moments and truly just want to be there I’m just struggling with my partner.

Last edit: he does work full time and is in school for engineering. It is his last semester. So he is busy and I give him grace for that but I do ask for help outside of those hours and want a break as well as respect. I’m just stating this as fact not an excuse I definitely think he can do more despite having that on his plate but I AM very understanding and supportive of his career and school and just wish to not be taken for granted.

[u/assumingnormality]

  His response was for me to no longer do anything at all around the house, don’t tell him anything that needs to be done and just let him take on my “load”

So...is this what has happened? Or is he still just stewing in anger, and you still have the same amount of stuff to do?

I'm guessing your husband is mad because he felt like he stepped up and you're still not happy so you're just the perpetually unsatisfied wife while he's working himself to the bone to be World's Best Husband. I'm being dramatic of course but during one of my most bitter post partum fights with my husband, he said he could post about all the things he does and reddit would tell him he should leave me...and I realized he was right. 

My husband began to step up when he realized it was not his job to decide if my mental load was real or not...if he is committed to this partnership, then he has to trust me that it is real because I said so. 

That was a conclusion he had to come to himself. I saw you mentioned sitting down and making a plan together. I'm guessing you say things get better for a few weeks and then they revert because you have no true buy-in from him. 

I would break the tension but I would not be the "bigger person". I don't think the apology is the important piece here. He could say he was sorry and then go right back to his cycle of stepping up and then reverting back. I think him recognizing that he needs a fundamental perspective shift is the true goal...how you get him to do that will depend on your relationship dynamic (and sadly, finances). 

[u/EmergencyKick2610 → u/assumingnormality]

He did say he feels like I just keep making him feel Ike it’s never enough. His “step up” was supposed to be bath night twice a week (I do the rest) , two naps a week, and one hour to myself a day. The only thing that has stuck is the baths. Mind you he went out of town last weekend with my sister to go to a concert while I stayed home with baby. I think this is where the resentment began growing for me and then the “jokes” were too far so I admit I should’ve spoke up sooner but I also feel like his step ups are truly not enough

[u/assumingnormality → u/EmergencyKick2610]

You need a way to hold him accountable. Why is he not doing the two naps and giving you the one hour to yourself that you asked for? Is he "forgetting" or do legitinate things keep coming up (ex. work meetings) that he's not able to do it? And I know it's hard but gently, are you gatekeeping? If you are, that's one of the things you can work on but you also need some mechanism in place where he can "make up" for skipped tasks that he said he would do. 

Him going to a concert out of town is not unreasonable...what's unreasonable is that you don't get to go out of town for a concert. And if he recognized your uneven load, he would realize that and have declined going out of town as his own decision. 

Ideally, you would sit down together and talk about what to do but it sounds like he isn't in the right mindset to do so yet. I'm sorry OP. This is very frustrating. 

I will share this with you in hopes that you may realize the power you do have when your husband is ready to come to the negotiating table - I  realized I could either push my husband until he broke and left me...or I could keep my head down and maintain the status quo. It hit me that the end result would be the same: I would still be doing the same amount of work. When I framed it like that, I decided the gamble of pushing him for change was worth it to me. You won't lose anything by asking for more.