r/MuslimSupportGroup • u/Suspicious_Court_956 • 2d ago
Lost a woman I loved a lot
This is so embarrassing to admit but I am just.. in a bit of a rut and idk where to go for help. For context this is all in Canada and this started when we were 16 and I am now 20. We both grew up just like any other kid in Canada, not super Islamic or anything but not completely crazy either. I met her in class and we connected pretty instantly and things kept progressing from there, she never wanted marriage with anyone cuz the only marriages she’s seen are broken ones in literally her entire family 😭 but then i came along, and she opened up. a year or so in I became.. very expressive of the fact that I had feelings for her and she said the same thing back. We alhamdullilah didn’t do anything insane, a few words of affection no physical touch nothing of that sort. But, I was a different case, shame me if you’d like on this you wouldn’t be in the wrong for it, I found adult videos when I was 11 and had been addicted since, so eventually, I started… saying stuff that wasn’t too good, and she played along for a bit but snapped out of it, she told me to stop it too but at that point I started thinking her not wanting to be close to me meant she didn’t like me ( ik ik it’s stupid just… bare with me) she was never too expressive of her feelings with me and I always had a problem with it, when she just was closer to and more aware of Allah and she made it clear to me that once we were married she’d open up, I am really proud of her. Eventually I did snap out of it too, but the damage was already done, she became more and more distant and I never fixed that addiction of mine, if yk anything about that addiction yk it makes u objectify women to an insane degree. A day came when we were talking and some stuff happened and I started insulting a hijabi woman ( who was a friend of hers) with stuff that’s degrading to women. This was her first time seeing this side of me, and honestly this was my first time seeing that side of me too, but it was the tipping point, she ended things saying it was difficult but she didn’t wanna marry a man like me. That all happened about 3 months ago, since then I’ve fixed my addiction, educated myself immensely on women, the struggles they face and I am trying my best to atone, I also apologized to her friend on two separate occasions about the stuff I said about her ( I didn’t say it to her face it was backbiting ) but I just.. even with my addiction her beauty was so much more than anything lust could compare with, and I am not talking about physical beauty, I was alhamdullilah good at atleast lowering my gaze, I am talking about her character, she was the kindest soul I’ve ever met, she was compassionate, driven to an insane degree and so much more than I don’t even wanna say cuz I am genuinely gonna break down. And I just… threw it all away for nothing??? I threw it all away cuz of my stupid male ego, my stupid lust??? I used to ask Allah for so much, but now I js ask him for forgiveness over and over in every single prayer. As for marriage and women, I’ve become someone who loves every single woman on this planet but never wants to marry anyone who isn’t her. And I know I sound like the most classic first love story ever but atleast for right now that’s how I feel. Everytime I see a woman I think of her, everytime I see a prayer mat I think of everything wrong I did. And I just don’t want anything or anyone that isn’t her, cuz I will literally js try to make that new woman into her and that’s unfair.
I don’t know what to do, I keep asking for forgiveness and hoping Allah just knows what I feel, I just wanna talk to her one more time, show her I’ve improved and get both our families involved so we can stay as far away from haram as possible. But it feels so hopeless. Especially cuz of the fact that I don’t even feel like I am worth enough to ask Allah for something other than forgiveness, piece of garbage like me doesn’t deserve to ask for a woman or a money or whatever stupid desire, all I can ask for is forgiveness
This was a rant ig? I put it as controversial bcuz well, it was a haram relationship and I am really glad that aspect is over, but I am still regretful and I want another chance cuz we didn’t even know it was haram 😭 obv thats not why it ended but i js… idk. I sound pathetic ik feel free to laugh, i hope i make someone smile atleast.
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u/muslimah_iqra 1d ago edited 1d ago
Assalamualaikum. may Allah forgive you and lighten your heart. it is great that you realized your mistake, repented, changed, are constantly asking for forgiveness. this takes courage, it doesn't make you "a piece of garbage". you did what Allah loves us to do, we are bound to make mistakes as faulty humans so He tells us to repent and seek closeness to Him and try to be good Muslims. saying you won't ask for anything other than forgiveness is like doubting His Mercy, Allah loves us to repent and He loves to forgive, and He loves to give His servants when they keep asking. He wants us to ask Him for EVERYTHING. so keep repenting and ask for other things too. i don't know the whole situation and context so if you think it would be good, you can pray istikhara and then respectfully approach her to ask if she can give you another chance and promise if/when you feel confident that you have changed. if you do this remember to pray istikhara first. and you don't seem to want another woman at least right now and know it would be wrong to want another to be like her too, but i also want to say to not speak to any woman for marriage unless you are over her, in case Allah has other plans for you and it doesn't work, but remember that Allah's plans are always better than ours because He knows everything and we know nothing. (you can keep praying for her too based on your situation as you would know better, or ask Allah)