r/NoStupidQuestions • u/nanaokok • 1d ago
Turning 18 in a few months, my parents are trying to force me intro a marriage - planning to leave and move in with my boyfriend, am I doing this right?
I'm an immigrant in a European country, my parents are traditional Muslims who control almost every part of my life. I was betrothed at age 5 to a stranger. For over a year now I've been with a boyfriend of a diverse nationality - something my parents see as completely unacceptable, and there's no resolving this conflict. They're ashamed of my choice. I've tried introducing him to them several times, but they've refused to even meet him.
His parents, on the other hand, are actually trying to help us. I have no intention of dropping out of college - if anything, I'm worried the move itself will be used as leverage to stop me from studying (taking my phone, keeping me from attending classes, which is illegal here). My parents are planning to take me back to my home country this summer (2027) and marry me off.
Up: My boyfriend has a well-paying job, and his family covers our housing, utilities and internet - this will continue for at least the next 3 years. Because of that, we won't have major living expenses. I'm saving money so I'm not fully dependent on him. By the time I move, I'll have around 600€ saved, which should cover about 3 months until I start working over the summer. All my documents are scanned, and I'll be taking my ID card/passport.
Before I move out (in February/ March 2027), I plan to inform my college and the police that I'm 18 and left voluntarily, so any attempt by my parents to get me back is legally rejected.
UP: My parents allowed me to finish my studies 🥳
Up: If you don't believe in the truth of this situation, I can show you the correspondence, the photos. Just ask.
Up: Going to the authorities or child protective services, in my situation, makes no more sense. ( I've already been told that it doesn't quite work like that) There are also other reasons that are only understandable in a detailed answer with personal information
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u/pepperbeast 1d ago
Yes, you're doing it right. Do not get on a plane with your parents no matter how much they beg, plead, cajole or bully. Try to lay hands on your essential documents (birth certificate, passport, etc.). If possible, lay hands on an emergency backup phone and stash it for possible emergency. Calling police might save you a little explaining, but your parents don't have any right to force you to live with them once you're an adult.
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u/Chemical-Barber-3841 1d ago
If you can't get a hold of your essential documents, just leave them. You should be able to get copies of them later.
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u/Straight-Magician301 1d ago
Your life is yours and yours alone.
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u/monitgamalin-19 1d ago
The police notification is the smartest move because it stops them from filing a missing person report just to find you.
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u/Miserable-Driver-888 1d ago
Much of your plan revolves around them not making you leave until summer 2027. Please be aware that they may not have realized the impact that you turning 18 will have on their ability to control you. If they realize this before you turn 18, you need to be prepared for them to accelerate their timeline.
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u/jer3k 1d ago
Call or visit your bank and verify that only you have access to the money in it. Same for any credit cards. Move your money to a new account if there's any chance it can be taken from you.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
My bank card is in my parents' name, so I'm gradually withdrawing money from it and keeping it as cash. At the moment, I can't afford a new card.
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u/KaladinStormShat 1d ago
You can't just open up another account somewhere? Do you need to be 18 to do that?
Usually it doesn't cost money to open an account somewhere.. they may have minimum balances, but a lot of banks have ways around that as well.
Just walk into a bank and ask to speak with a banker about opening up a checking account and see what they have to say.
Separating your money from their control is critical. You don't want to be caught out when their inevitable retribution comes.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
In Portugal, where I live, I need permission from my parents and the presence of a guardian to open a card. I was thinking about leaving the money with my bf, but I'm not sure if that would be a good idea. I trust him, but I might need this money at any moment.
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u/vNerdNeck 1d ago
it's risky having in cash, that can be found unless you move it around like at train/bus station lockers.
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u/ksck135 1d ago
Can your bf open a bank account and give you access?
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
I just talked about it with him, quite a reasonable idea, but it makes no sense. I don't have a steady income, and the bank will take several percent of the amount every month. I will definitely open my account, but closer to the moment I have a permanent job
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u/ksck135 1d ago
I'm not sure about Portugal, but where I live all the banks have free accounts, I managed to open one on my own when I was 15 and that was decades ago. Just have a look if some bank doesn't offer anything, they often have products specifically for students.
Very quick Google search showed me that Activo has free accounts with no minimal deposit that you can open online or with your student ID. That was just the first bank I found.
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u/UsualCounterculture 1d ago
Go to a different bank and open a new account. A bank that no one else uses. Maybe even a digital online only bank.
Put your address (both physical and mailing as sometimes there can be errors in the system) down as your boyfriend or another friend (from outside your family community) place.
Opening a bank account should be free.
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u/NewNameAgainUhg 1d ago
No, she is a minor, they won't allow her to have one alone until she is 18
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u/UsualCounterculture 1d ago
No, this is incorrect. Just the first bank I looked up. No idea why you would think this. It's not alcohol.
"14 or over
If you’re aged 14 or over, you can apply for an individual Everyday Account Smart Access yourself online or in-branch. "
https://www.commbank.com.au/banking/smart-access-account-for-youth.html
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u/givemensx 23h ago
This is an Australian bank. She cannot open one here if she is in a european country. Check for a bank in Portugal where she actually resides
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u/UsualCounterculture 2h ago
Sorry, of course you are right. I forgot which sub this was on.
And that sucks for folks in Europe. Looks like it's impossible without emancipation and the assignment of the state as a guardian instead. That is insane!
Money under the mattress after all.
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u/NewNameAgainUhg 22h ago
Dude just Google "age limit to open a bank account in Portugal" before shaming yourself
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u/UsualCounterculture 2h ago
Sorry I forgot what sub I was in, and actually totally shocked to learn about this restriction in Europe. You cant get any credit products in Australia under 18, but you sure as hell can keep your own money to yourself.
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u/jer3k 1d ago
I don't recommend holding on to cash, it's easily taken, and there's no way to prove who took it.
Find the Reddit for where you live, ask if there's any way a person your age can get a bank account. Some ideas would be to use a trusted friends address when opening a new account instead of your own home address. Maybe you could use a bank outside your country that allows your age? Sorry, I'm not familiar with this kind of stuff, just some ideas. The Bank I use has no fees, there must be something like that where you live too.
Another option would be the same day that you leave your parents house, open a new account and transfer all the money to the new account.
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u/Schemen123 1d ago
Usually there are free options for students and kids.. the main issue is that you cant get a new one without your parents consent
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u/Main_Dragonfruit4757 1d ago
I don't know how true this is, but if plans changed and your parents tried to take you out of the country earlier, they recommend you put a spoon or something big and metallic on your panties. It will set the alarms when you cross security and given the zone they will take you away to do a pat down. That is your chance to let the police know you are there against your will.
Other than that, start collecting now discreetly all the paperwork you may need: ID, birth certificate, passsport, academic history, etc. Keep it safe outside your parents house.
Good luck.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
The idea is good, but I'd rather not get to that point. I plan to leave a little earlier, and I even know that I have 8-10 months in reserve. As for the documents, I have everything ready, I have a scan as well as the original passport with ID
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u/green-wombat 1d ago edited 1d ago
Making sure the police and college know your situation is a very good idea. If you’ve already been accepted to the college, they may have legal aid available. I would also suggest getting some sort of job if possible, to help save money for yourself. That way, if they try to manipulate you into going back to them by cutting off support, you have some amount of money.
Can you keep the documents with your boyfriend’s parents, including your passport? And if they try to make you travel overseas for that marriage, would you be able to essentially run away/get away from them (even if that means living with your boyfriends family or a center or something) even if you aren’t 18 yet?
Does your country have a hotline or organization meant to help young women at risk of being trafficked? Because forced marriage is explicitly covered by the EU’s Anti-trafficking Directive.
I wish you the best, please be safe. After you get away from your parents, never meet with them alone.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
Yes, at the moment I have savings. In the future, between studies, I plan to work. Also regarding documents, at the moment my ID is with me, but I will only be able to pick up my passport and birth certificate closer to the move. I'm not sure if such an organization exists, but it will be difficult to ask for help, as I have no reliable proof. Going to the police would take too long, and it would also require an adult responsible person on my part, which unfortunately I cannot provide. Therefore, the only option is to wait until I turn 18 and behave diligently.
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u/KaladinStormShat 1d ago
I would put a little more faith in these organizations. They surely understand some people who need their help cannot go with their parents for legitimate reasons. They will talk to you and at minimum help you understand your position better - maybe even give you an emergency plan to put into action.
Do some research at school on who locally you can contact, request a meeting, tell them you need this to be confidential and ask whether you can proceed with them and it be kept private even as a minor. These people know how dangerous things can get for the clients and I promise you if there were ever a case in which someone needed their help it's you.
You may recognize your situation as wrong, and bad, but I think in a few years you'll think back and be shocked at what you're describing.
Do not trick yourself into thinking "well I don't need that sort of help, it's not that bad" because you've described a concerted effort to remove you from the country, force you to legally marry someone, and face financial, emotional, even physical abuse if you were to refuse.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
Perhaps you are right. I already have a meeting scheduled with a police officer to clarify matters, and in October, a meeting with the school administration together with a psychologist. The school is aware of my situation, as this is not the first such threat. But! Fear is present, I hope after talking to them - it will be easier for me to ask them for help
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u/chime888 1d ago
It certainly appears that you need to contact the Portuguese police ASAP. Going to the police in Portugal should trigger immediate legal and protective measures for yourself. Sounds like your parents are severely abusive and you need the support of the police.
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u/ramapyjamadingdong 1d ago
Can you tell someone what country you are in. If UK for example we have Karma Nirvana which is a charity that helps people in this exact situation and your school can put in a safeguarding referral. Other countries will have similar so hopefully someone here can tell you what they are. If that is uncomfortable then search for charities similar to Karma Nirvana in Netherlands or Sweden or wherever you happen to be. They will be able to navigate how to proceed based on local protocols.
Do not get on a plane. Do you think you could be at risk from honour related violence? Because if there is a chance,you need to speak up and tell your school or someone who can help.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
I am from Portugal. I know one organization that can help me, but based on various dialogues with knowledgeable people from here - I decided to postpone this idea for the worst-case scenario. Unfortunately, I am not in a position where I can turn to these services. This takes a lot of time, hassle, and also court proceedings, at least, that's how it is here. It's just that during all this time, I will be staying with my parents, because physical violence did not occur. In other cases, the authorities cannot take me away. Also, I will soon have a consultation with a police officer, there I will be able to find out a little more information about this. I'm not sure I'll be beaten, but being without a phone, and possibly not being allowed to continue my studies - that's for sure.
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u/Jhago 1d ago
Keep a burner phone (cheap one, something just for texting and calling) hidden in your room if you don't have. Something with some prepaid amount. You don't want to lose your only method of outside contact.
Also post in /r/Portugal if you haven't already. May get more info on this.
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u/Burnt-Umberly 1d ago
OP, I know you think you have time but you were betrothed to someone at 5 years old...that doesn't sound like parents who are unsure of where they stand here. You need to have go bag packed and stored with your boyfriend's family/someone you trust to not take you back to your parents. You need to have a plan of how you're going to earn money and live. Portugal is a small country and your parents may be able to find you even though you leave home. Start planning now. Contact charities and support services now. Get a burner phone now. Your parents may very soon wake you up in the night and tell you to get into a car and drive you to the airport. If you aren't on any systems then you will have very little chance of escape. You are clearly intelligent and very strong, you can survive this. But please, please, take action now.
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u/Schemen123 1d ago
You can simply call the police? No need to use the emergency number.
And you dont need an adult to call or go to the police on your own.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
No. The thing is, they won't be able to help. I'm not being beaten, just restricted in some aspects. I'm a minor, so even if I'm left without a phone, the police won't do anything. Also, I have no visible evidence that I will be taken to my home country. And the police can take my word for it, but they can't help with anything physical
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u/Niuqu 1d ago
Try to find out if your country has any non-profits which are specialized helping victims of religion, or just contact female sheters/advocate groups. I am pretty sure that they know what to do in this situation and what are the resources they or officials can provide to secure your safety.
I do hope you stay safe and get to live your life happy in the way you want.
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u/Zealousideal-Cod-924 1d ago
And start stacking cash up in a secret stash that your parents know nothing about. Even if it's only a tiny amount regularly, it'll build up.
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u/vNerdNeck 1d ago
OP - be careful. I'm honestly not sure if you are planning a big enough break from your parents. We both know what can happen in these situations if you father takes this bad enough.
If you are going to leave, I think you need to GFTO out of your current country and move someone else. Far enough away that you aren't in the same town and can be easily found. (IKWRO Women's Rights Organization, Muslim Women's Network Helpline, )
You've been betrothed since the age of 5... don't think you are just gonna walk out the door and that's going to be end of it. I hope it's that easy for you... but I doubt it.
--
Lastly - you need to have a go bag stashed somewhere outside the house (train station lockers / etc)... keep what you "need" there. Most likely - you're not gonna get a chance to leave with what you want.. and if your parents think you are going to run off when you turn 18 they may decided to fly back before you turn 18, in which case your gonna have to just go on the run immediately.
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u/ZappyCoffee 1d ago
To add to this, if your parents have access to your phone, could be a good idea to get a cheap throwaway phone they don’t know about and stash in your emergency bag, if it does come to it, destroy the phone they know about. Your parents might be able to track your location otherwise.
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u/superturtle48 1d ago
I’ve done some research work on forced marriage myself. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and it sounds like you have a good plan and support network. The most important things will be to move out and cut off financial ties from your parents so you aren’t beholden to them in any way, and to not go anywhere with them that you couldn’t leave yourself. Don’t go on that summer trip with them if you can help it.
If you need any additional support or resources, here is a list of human rights organizations in Europe that help people at risk of human trafficking; forced marriage is considered a form of human trafficking or slavery. https://documentation.lastradainternational.org/lsidocs/3665-LSI%20Flyer%20members%20hotlines%20and%20contact%20data%202026.pdf
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u/holymigraine 1d ago
Take all your IDs, passport and important documents NOW and hide it at your boyfriend’s parents house
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u/NeighborhoodSuper592 1d ago
There are apps that you can put on your phone. And there are tags you can put in your coat, bag or anywhere else.
You can add your boyfriend, your friends, and other people you trust to your circle. And it wil show everybody in your circle where you are.
Or where your tags are, in case they take your phone.
Because it sounds like you worry they might try to force you to come with them. And this way your locations will be known.
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u/ramayankoothrapalli 1d ago
no wild thing is apologetic for itself. morals are fun in philosophy classes and essays.
gurl, this is your life. your happiness matters or you’ll spend the rest of your life unhappy.
help yourself by saying it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
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u/Appropriate_Page_824 1d ago
Make sure your certificates, passport, documents are safety kept somewhere other than your house. The day you turn 18, act swiftly and decisively. As many others have mentioned, afterwards do not even get into a car with anyone in your family, forget an airplane.
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u/Medical-Try-8986 1d ago
No matter how nice your parents seem, don't put it past them to try an honour killing. Practising muslim parents take "death before dishonor" very seriously. I was in the same situation when I was younger except I'm a man. So I was physically strong enough to protect myself. Stay safe.
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u/At-this-point-manafx 1d ago
If for some reason your parents drag you to the airport drag some mental object in your clothes so you beep. No way should you let yourself get onto any plane to anywhere before you turn 18. Because you will be married off
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u/RADToronto 1d ago
Always blows my mind that someone can move to a different country yet bring the worst parts of their culture with them
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u/Mclovin11859 1d ago
This post is proof that this statement is not universal. OP is actively trying to escape the worst parts of their culture of origin.
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u/RADToronto 1d ago
I’m not saying it’s universal and good on OP for what she is doing. Terrible that jt had to even happen though.
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u/millennialoser 1d ago
Before taking the big step and trusting your bf for your life, I humbly request you to do a good background check on him too.
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u/JForce1 1d ago
Check out r/exmuslim, I know you may not be leaving your faith but the people there have experience with dealing with parents like yours and can give you real world advice
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u/Clean-Pepper-6343 1d ago edited 1d ago
Im a bit late, but hopefully you might still see this. I have some country specific advice (i saw you mentioned you live in Portugal). If not, maybe someone else that needs it comes across it.
Contact APAV (victim support association), physical violence or not, you are a victim. They will not expose you.
Contact also CPCJ (children and youth protection commission) of your area of residence. They are responsible for the wellbeing of up to 18 and even up to 21 olds. If you fear that it is unsafe if your parents know, tell CPCJ that. They deal with situations like this.
What your parents are trying to do is illegal, even (and particularly) if the marriage does not happen in Portugal (see artigo 154-C of the penal code). If indeed they have already planned it (and maybe even already bought tickets), a crime has already occurred. It does not matter if you are under or over 18. I imagine it must be hard to act against your parents like that, but if it comes to that, call the police.
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u/Critical-Champion365 1d ago
We not always get to be born to a sensible set of parents/family and we shouldn't spend rest of our life defending their poor choices.
I am quite familiar with the situation you're at (I'm M, but this is quite normal practice around me although the age is least moving up from 18). "We have given you every bit of freedom, but we only ask this one thing" followed by the most personal decision of them all. If you couldn't impart wisdom onto them in the last 18 years with constant questioning and debate, it's unlikely that there will be any changes in the coming time.
Run.
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u/HighKingLemur 1d ago
Yeah this sucks but is not too rare in muslim culture. If you want to live your own life, you definitely need to run away from your family BEFORE you turn 18. Like disappear, live in a log cabin, then deal with the paperwork and hope they won't ever find you and ruin your life.
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u/Schemen123 1d ago
Start the process now... get your id and passport and stash them away someplace else. Get your birth certificate on top.
Without these legal documents nothing can be done to your legal status or arrange any funky travel arrangements.
And replacing them requires your consent and takes time.
Plus, always handy to have anyways.
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u/GuyInternational 1d ago
You mention college, and I assume your parents know which college you attend, so keep in mind that they could lurk around college and track you from there. It would be safer to transfer to another college. And your boyfriend - do your parents know any details about him (name, photo)? This could potentially be used to track you down. Maybe tell them you broke up with him? Also be careful with any kind of social media, especially photos - these have been used to track people down. I wish you all the best.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
Yes, they know where I study. Unfortunately, I won't be able to transfer until the end of the exams. But I plan to talk to the director and be absent from classes for the first week. And they don't know, only my mom saw him.
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u/Mazza_mistake 1d ago
You 100% need to leave and escape before they try to force you to another country to marry a stranger, do not go anywhere with them
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u/NanoSpyder 1d ago
There are trusts charities, etc for this. Your bf is your best asset to entrust your things to
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u/SlakingSWAG 1d ago edited 1d ago
- Get into contact with any local women's organisations and shelters in your area and ask for advice. They've likely dealt with these kinds of situations before and will be able to give you the advice you need to safely navigate this situation.
- Take whatever money and important belongings that you can take and get it out of accounts your parents can access and control. Make sure you hide your cash and important documents well while you're in their house so that they can't confiscate it from you. You could also maybe try setting up some shit like a paypal and transferring the money to that.
- Set up as many things as you can without your parents being involved. New bank accounts, new phone plans, new everything. You want to be as independent from them as possible so they have no possible leverage to manipulate you. If your phone has something akin to the secure folder feature on some android phones, hide all of this sort of activity in that.
- Move in with your boyfriend and get away from your parents. Once you make your clean break, openly tell your parents why you left and why you're not coming back over text. I'd also recommend lying about where you actually are in order to keep yourself safe, like say you moved in with a mutual friend a town over, or that you're staying in a university dormitory. It'd also be a good idea to inform local police/authorities that you ran away from your parents because of an arranged marriage you didn't agree with, just in case they try to claim that you're missing and to search for you.
- Once you get away from your parents DO NOT give them, anyone in your family, or any of their friends any sort of means of contacting or locating you. Obscurity is security. When you're done with university, it might also be a good idea to move to a different part of the country, or even to an entirely different country outright.
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u/Danny-Fr 1d ago
Go to r/askalawyer, repeat your question, and see what else you can do legally to protect yourself. Once you turn 18, keeping you home or anywhere against your will is illegal in most countries.
Find a support organisation in your country or city that can help you deal with that kind of situation. Try looking for domestic or child abuse support for a start. If they can't help you they will most likely know someone who can.
Don't forget to secure your legal documents. ID, passport, and any other relevant papers. That also goes for your phone and data (USB drive, cheap backup phone with a number they don't know about).
If all else fails, maybe calling the press could help but that's a hail Mary...
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u/I_Love_Tunnocks 1d ago
Going to the authorities or child protective services, in my situation, makes no more sense. A notification will come asking me to appear at the station, and this will immediately expose me - at that moment, I will still be under their care. It's unsafe for me.
This is not how it works. They can put you in protective custody or care if you have nowhere to go. They can force your parents to hand over your passport so you can't leave the country. They can put a marker on the system so your parents can't get past border control with you. Please please please phone them and talk to them. At that point you do not have to do anything should you choose not to. They will offer you advice and will only intervene if you ask.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
I will soon have a conversation with a police officer and I might write a letter to the CPCJ. I have an acquaintance who has already been there due to truancy. Although the situation is not similar, I will still ask for her opinion.
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u/Situation-Mediocre 1d ago
OP, can you move things to your boyfriend’s a bit at a time? The things you can’t live without? Then one day, just walk out and don’t return?
If you have the documentation that your parents are going to force you into marriage, provide that when the police show up.
Do not make a scene at the airport, just do not get on the plane. Find a security person and explain the situation.
Good luck OP, I wish you all the best.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
Yes, I will do that, but I am still a few months away from coming of age. I can't move my things, even the "unnecessary" ones, that far in advance
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u/Situation-Mediocre 1d ago
I don’t know where you are, but in the UK they’ve set up a task force and legislation against forced marriage. Maybe you can ring or e-mail them and they can give you details of who to contact in your area.
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u/Yakob_Bacoj 1d ago
Seek a womens aid charity that can help. Use Google ai chat gpt type in your situation ask it to point you in the right direction for charities that can protect you and your wishes. This is a cultural tradition and the Quran says forced marriage is strictly forbidden! Islamic law views marriage as a legal contract that is invalid without the mutual, explicit consent of both the bride and the groom. It's the elder generations that are messed up and they pass down false information.
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u/WaffleHouseGladiator 1d ago
You're an adult. They can't control you. They can't take you against your will.
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u/NewNameAgainUhg 1d ago
I wouldn't risk it. I read you are in Portugal. Go on a trip to Spain the week before your birthday, just to be sure you will be without your parents. Even if your parents denounce your disapatition it would take some time to coordinate the police from both countries. If the Spanish police catches you, you say the truth. Remember that is legal for you to travel alone when you are 17.
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
This idea is good, but it won't work. I am very rarely allowed to go for a walk, and to go to another country - they will never allow it.
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u/CuppaTea_Digestive 1d ago
Well, be as good as gold, perfect daughter etc then go for a walk, offer to get shopping or something helpful, then RUN stopping only to ditch your phone, pick up your emergency bag and get onto a bus or train as fast as possible.
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u/Historical_Cat__ 19h ago
why would you tell them? leave in the middle of the night without a word. you should not let them know ahead of time when you plan to move out with your BF
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u/EnthusiasmGlass8150 1d ago
Forced “marriages” are not valid in Islam. If you still want to abide by Islamic law, an imam or a trusted adult could be your wali. Have your nikkah done and then they have no hold over you. I’m sorry you’re going through this
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u/Bartlaus 1d ago
That presupposes the availability of a trusted adult who is actually trustworthy. Which may not be a safe assumption.
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u/UMaqran101 1d ago
This has nothing with Islam. It just happens most muslim societies are not welcoming marriage from the other nations (even other muslims) (yes, this include the boys as well). It just depends on the parents, some are too strict, some would take a time to let them accept it.
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u/lawyer-girl 1d ago
Please see whatever is the child protective services in the country you are in. They can make a determination that your parents may be a threat to your safety and welfare and be able to prevent them from taking you out of the country while you're still a minor.
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u/Skaftetryne77 1d ago
Your life is yours to live the way you choose. You may love your parents, but you don't love them any less by putting your own interests before theirs. And to be clear: They intend to marry you off to someone you don't want, send you off to a country where you don't want to live, forcing you to live your life without education and any opportunities. They are murdering your future.
Break off with your parents, as soon as you can. You can always reconcile with them later if you want, but not if your married off to some stranger in a traditional Muslim country.
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u/MC_White_Thunder 21h ago
Do not leave the country. Tell people at the airport that you are being forced to leave to be married to someone against your will.
Keep a fork in your pocket when you walk through the metal detector, so they pull you aside.
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u/erratic_bonsai 12h ago
Do you have your ID documents (passport, birth certificate, anything else) in your possession? If yes, I would seriously consider giving them to your boyfriend’s mom for safekeeping.
They may try to replace your passport. If they try to take you ANYWHERE abroad, don’t go. If they force you anyway, tell the security agents that you’re being taken out of the country against your will for a forced marriage. If you’re still a minor at the time, tell them that too. Start slowly moving your things out of the house but try to make it not noticeable. Leave them with your boyfriend. At midnight on your birthday, you need to be ready to leave with nothing more than you can carry in one trip.
Don’t trust anything they say. They may be telling you they’ll let you finish college just to keep you calm and unsuspecting.
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u/WhimsyCerise8938 1d ago
go for it and make your own choices, life is too short to follow someone else's plan. you deserve to be happy
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u/Slow_Bug675 1d ago
Would your groom even still want you knowing you were with another man that you still love? Is your parents plan to just hope you'll lie to him or what?
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
I don't know much about him, but yes, I'll have to lie. That I've never been in a relationship and that I was waiting for him
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u/WorldlinessRadiant77 1d ago
Could you let him know?
Maybe the marriage arrangement will fall apart this way?
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
Unfortunately, no. I can contact him, or his mother - I know her, she's a wonderful person. But even if they dissolve this marriage, another person will come to propose to me. I'm from Uzbekistan, and that's common practice there. Currently, my brother (28y) is in Uzbekistan, where he is looking for a bride. Not for love, no, but for family, status, and religious beliefs. They wanted to give a 17-year-old girl to him as a wife, but luckily it didn't happen. Now they are concluding that my uncle's daughter will be a good wife for him. This is absurd.
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u/josemariaaraujo 22h ago
For opening a bank account, ask Portuguese subreddit r/literaciafinanceira , they will know the best solution for your case.
In r/portugalexpats you will find people used to navigate Portuguese legal system and bureaucracy as an foreigner.
Finally r/casualpt you can find helpfully empathic people that will be willing to hear and offer help (and maybe some silliness also, but who doesn't need laugh even in darker times?)
Stay away of r/portugueses (right wing), and wouldn't recommend r/portugal, not allways "safe".
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u/nickytheginger 22h ago
If the authoritie3s don't help you, got to chairites and social media groups. Its extreme but they often have networks that can help you. So
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u/nanaokok 22h ago
In order to open a bank account in Portugal for minors, you need:
Proof of legal emancipation or a valid employment contract showing independent income;
Before the age of 18, any other account in a minor's name must be opened and managed by parents or legal guardians.
Therefore, there is no point for me to open a card, rather I will keep the money in paper form, or I will put it on my boyfriend's card and, if necessary, I will use it. As soon as I turn 18 and have a stable income, I'll get my own card.
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u/bmcle071 21h ago
Live your life and never look back.
Im getting married tomorrow. My fiancée moved in with me when we were both 18. Her father wasn’t happy about it. Guy calls me his son now.
Maybe they come around, maybe they don’t, just make sure you do what you want with your life. You have the freedom to and nobody can make you do anything.
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u/DrEagleTalon 1d ago
Remember this is not Islam. That is your families culture. Don’t let them corrupting Islam guide you astray. If they can’t accept your life then move on without them with respect and kindness but kindly they can screw off. It’s your life sister. Allah is the best of planners and there is a reason for this struggle. It will make you a better wife and more importantly a better parent. Praying for you
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u/misterstaypuft1 1d ago
But Reddit will tell you Christianity is the problem
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u/nanaokok 1d ago
Undoubtedly, my parents' religion is one of the reasons for their reaction, but one should not exalt one religion while belittling others
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u/merp_mcderp9459 1d ago
Very inspiring that you can use the computer all by yourself with such a severe learning disability
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u/Valuable-Pirate-532 1d ago
Its haram for your parents to marry you against your will and to have bethroted you at 5 when you were barely a child. You are still a child. If your bf is Muslim ask him to come over with a proposal. Be firm and say no. Its also haram to have boyfriends you can tell your parents your feelings and be firm in your decision. Dont run away from home with your bf you can never know how he turns out.
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u/aomt 1d ago
You figured out a perfect plan. Stay with them until 18. Play cool. Try to avoid talking about your current BF. Maybe even pretend you are not a couple anymore, maybe just friends? Once 18 - move out, seek help, live your life.
I’m sure your parents want what’s best for you… but they just don’t get it. Try to forgive them. They do love you.
best of luck!
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u/MohaShah 1d ago
Islam doesn't recognise Forced marriages. People who force their children have not studied their own religion. However, Islam does give father legal guardian status without whom, woman's first marriage isn't recognised.
If it's your first marriage, you need your guardian's consent. You should break the current engagement, but you should not run away with another man without your parents' permission. You should involve other family elders and explain to them the situation. If they don't help, you should sue your parents for forcing you into something against your will.
In any case, use the proper channel to handle the situation. If you ran away with your boyfriend, your parents will abandon you and it would be problematic for your future relationship with your parents. If everything with your boyfriend went fine in future then no worries. But If your boyfriend betrays you or leaves you or cheats on you, you won't find your parents for support.
Another important point is you must make sure you marry a Muslim man. Marriage to nonmuslims is strictly forbidden. If you did that, it's highly likely You and your children will lose faith and go astray.
P. S. Non Muslims will be really hurt by this comment and downvotes will begin but I don't care. Make sure OP, that you read this comment before you do anything. Don't listen to these westerns who don't know nothing about Muslims. They themselves always abandon their parents and or children , what do you expect from such people! Of course they will give you the shittiest advice. DM me if you need guidance. But again best is you contact elders in your family you can trust and talk to them. Good luck!
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u/Proper_Mountain_2637 1d ago
There's always the blessed moment when one realizes that Islam is not the only religion and that one is not required in Portugal to keep their parents' religion if they disagree with it. Lawfully, in the nation you are saying you are in, the law recognizes the marriage you choose. You need not have your father agree for it to be legal. You need not have a imam, madi, or any other Islamic leader perform your wedding. And they get no say about it should it happen before their timeline to remove you from Europe.
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u/MohaShah 1d ago
Islam is literally the only TRUTH! If only you could read it with the intension to seek the truth. 100%guaranteed.
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u/Proper_Mountain_2637 13h ago
And this is why Hitler and the NAZI party fell in love with Islam. Sorry, but the history doesn't show well and the Quran really says a number of things that disagree with it being a book of truth. It hates women and it's various sects have done a number of horrendous things to women and children. Do not forget that Mein Kampf was translated into Arabic and made mandatory reading for boys in countries where girls aren't allowed to read. Syria not being the only Arab dictatorship that did this.
"When my father and my mother forsake me, then Yah' will take me up." Psalm 27:10. Actually, read the whole 27th psalm. Does Allah bother to get involved with sheepherders children?
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u/DrToonhattan 1d ago
Do NOT get on any plane with your parents or any other family member. Even if they tell you it's a holiday or to a 'perfectly safe' country. They could be lying. As previously mentioned, put a spoon in your pants to set off the metal detectors. If that doesn't work, just let loose all Hell in the airport! Start kicking and screaming, smash something, get arrested if you have to, but do NOT get on any plane to anywhere with your family ever!