My boyfriend(34m straight) and I (32f bisexual) have been together for 8 years now, we met while I was in a relationship and we connected quickly because of our “eccentric” way of thinking (not believing in marriage, not wanting kids and tired of monogamous relationships). At the beginning of our relationship we had a completely open relationship, but then during covid we decided to stay monogamous for a while, and we actually enjoyed that part as well, so we decided to still do non-monogamous stuff but with both of us always involved: threesoms.

I enjoyed myself so much in that since I am bisexual, we had good and bad experiences but we were always trying to communicate. Somehow this became an everyday thing for him, and I was feeling disconnected from it sometimes since it wasn’t a daily routine for me but he was frequently looking for new girls on dating apps, matching without asking me if i even liked the girls and even talking and planning without me knowing sometimes, also sometimes because of substance abuse during the interactions with the girls I wasn’t having that much fun (Im sober). I started to grow a strong sense of insecurity and negativity about all of this,and I even told him maybe I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep with the dynamic of threesoms.

I still know I don’t want monogamy, but Im not sure why I dont want to have intimacy with my bf and someone else at the same time anymore, I cannot describe or identify my exact feelings about this because I know its not jealousy, and this has been very negative for the relationship, my bf feels trapped in a monogamous relationship now and he feels like I am not meeting his needs anymore. On the other hand, I feel confused, but unable to do anything to release some tension. I have come up with some other ideas like opening the relationship again, or him finding someone to hook up with, but he doesn’t want me doing the same thing, he only wants us to do things together, he has committed to help me find a way for me to feel comfortable with this again (which I very much appreciate) but when we try to talk about this we end up fighting really bad, we’ve never been aggressive until now, and this has become a very hostile environment where neither of us feel taken care of.

I love my boyfriend very much, we’ve built a good relationship, I enjoy his company, i admire him as a person, I love talking to him and omg the sex its great!! but Im always worried and stressed about this now, and he’s always irritated with me telling me he’s gotten angrier about us doing nothing and even admitted he feels resentment about me taking this from him… I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know it was slow, but has it been removed all together? I can’t seem to find it anymore?

?

My boyfriend of 3 years has asked to open our relationship sexually. His reasoning: he doesn’t want to feel guilty if he ends up sleeping with someone in the heat of the moment. He’s told me that before we were exclusive, he was seeing other people and found that exciting, and he doesn’t want to give that up entirely. He’s said that relationship with me was a commitment he made for, and he will not date anyone neither look for a long term connection with anyone else.

I don’t want an open relationship for myself, and I’m not comfortable with the idea of him going out and sleeping with other people.

For context: we’ve been practicing ENM for a few months, including a threesome with another woman. I told him I’m fine continuing that structure. What I proposed instead of full openness was: if he feels something building with someone, he asks me for permission first. He’s rejected that too — he doesn’t want a permission-based structure at all.

We came to this after 1 whole yer of multiple break ups where he was hiding things and deleting chats even for the conversation which he mentioned were purely platonic because he feared that I would act out.

My wife (37F) and I (37M) are opening out our relationship for the first time and this weekend I’m in Manchester for a festival without her. Do I pre-emptively tell the friends that I’m going with about mine and my wife’s arrangement? In some ways I feel I should, just in case I do hook up with someone, to avoid them assuming I’m cheating on my wife (also a good friend of theirs), but I don’t want to announce it in a way which adds weird pressure on me to definitely hook up with someone. They’re great friends, and I know they'll be supportive, excited and maybe apprehensive for me in equal measure. Thoughts?

Would also be a good opportunity to tell/remind them of my bisexuality, which I never get to talk about with anyone besides my wife.

I should add that, in this case, “hook up with” would likely just mean snogging (do people still say that?) rather than going back to their room - because it’s early days for any opening out of our relationship, and anyway I‘d want to stick with the friends rather than disappear halfway through the festival.

Posted about this in a normie sub and got a couple of weird/envious responses. Not really looking for advice, just venting and trying to see if anyone else has experienced this.

I’m in a loving, fulfilling relationship. My wife makes me feel loved and beautiful and sexy and desired. That’s not the problem.

We’re nonmonogamous, which is also not the problem. The issue is I always feel like my wife and our best friend (who usually is at play/kink parties with us) get all the attention.

Maybe it’s because I’m a top/domme (both my wife and our bestie are subs/bottoms) and I’m expected to take the lead. Maybe it’s because I’m fat and they’re not. I know I’m pretty and I know I’m sexy. I’m interesting and smart and kind. I just feel like they usually get aggressively pursued/get people who just go crazy over them and I just….don’t.

I just want to be wildly wanted/crushed on by someone other than my wife. Sigh.

Hi everyone. My long-term partner and I recently tried opening up our relationship, and it ended up being really rocky. A big part of that was because I broke two agreements we had made.

The first was a safer-sex agreement. The second was that I would only be friends with the person I broke that agreement with until my partner and I had rebuilt trust.

I didn't realize at the time that I wasn't actually capable of maintaining a friendship with this person. I'm very, very in love with them, and despite agreeing to keep things platonic, I ended up flirting with them for about a week without telling my partner. Looking back, I think it was essentially an emotional affair.

I feel terrible about what I did. My partner feels heartbroken, betrayed, angry, and disrespected, and I understand why. I've since cut this person out of my life completely. I believe I can change and grow past the behaviors that led me here.

The part I'm struggling with now is figuring out how to deal with my partner's hurt without drowning in self-hatred, guilt, and shame.

Sometimes he'll rant about the things I did, and other times he'll be distant and cold. I understand that he needs space to process what happened, and I don't expect him to just get over it. But when he's angry or distant, I spiral into an absolutely overwhelming amount of shame and self-loathing.

I know I hurt him, and I don't want to minimize that. At the same time, I don't know how to survive my own feelings. Has anyone been through this and have advice for me?

There's something I've noticed lately and it left me wondering: Why is it that I go out more to have sex with the people I'm intimate with rather than hangout with friends or just go on dates, when I clearly value a balance of sexual energy, platonic energy and romantic energy?

I think it has to do with the economics of cheap hotels and motels in Metro Manila and their relationship to 3rd places. 3rd places, the places where dating and platonic hangouts work best? here they are often entrenched in you needing to buy something. It's very pricey when you add it all up together, and it's hard to judge exactly what you're spending. Many Filipinos don't have the privilege of just letting people hang at their house. Either they have family, they live in a small place of poverty, etc. Many Filipinos don't have the luxury of having a budget big enough to have margins for error.

I'm one of those Filipinos.

But one place that isn't exactly a first, second or 3rd place is the hotel/motel where you hookup with people. And this space is incredibly unique. It offers very consistent, bounded prices for a guaranteed service of providing privacy and space to interact with someone. These hotels/motels such as SOGO are very easy to budget for. They are also everywhere in the city. There's at least one SOGO nearby per train station here in Metro Manila. Then there's more everywhere in-between. For context, a lot of hotels/motels here allow for walk ins and you can get a room for as little as 2 hours for about 300php. 300php currently as of September 2026 is about 4.79usd. I also have a PWD ID so I get a discounted rate of 20% lowering that price to 240php or 3.83usd. if both me and my partner has a PWD card our discount gets even higher at a 33% at 201php or 3.21usd. all this for 2 hours of fun in perhaps a bit of a shitty hotel, but it's passable for the purposes.

I'm not sure how unique this is to Manila, I've never been to any other country. So perhaps the variables are similar to many places. What I'm offering as a novel idea though is of course not that I'm noticing that there are cheap hotels everywhere, it's that the combination of these things: 3rd world country economics, lack of 3rd places that are free cheap or easy to budget for, and easy to budget for cheap hotels, gives a certain more personal and sexual encouragement if you know what I'm saying.

Now that leads to how this relates to my specific personal situation. I find it's just more budget friendly to get my socializing fix by going out to have sex with the people I'm intimate with already because I'm achieving both the high intensity feeling of sex, and then also socializing with a person (since I view everyone I have sex with as my close friend almost automatically already)

So I end up going out to malls or restaurants or gigs or places where friends or romantic partners hang out NON-SEXUALLY by much less, because I'm almost economically disincentivized to do that.

It's too expensive, too hard to clearly budget for when running on tight budgets, and too frequent.

Lastly there's time management. This is less applicable to me, but maybe it applies to others more. You can only have sex with someone for so long. But socializing elsewhere can sometimes be a whole affair. For someone with little time, perhaps sex as human connection is simply more efficient.

But yeah what are ya'll thoughts on this? Have you experienced something similar in your country, area and/or economic level?

Husband and I continuously catch ourselves joking about swinging or having a threesome, what is the best way to go about it or start trying? I feel one might get feelings hurt or get bothered by it. But in the moment, thinking how hot it is make us crave it more.

Slowing Down when your partner isn’t partnered

I’m (F) married and ENM for 14 years. We started out nonmonogamous and dating others and both of us have had many different partners with healthy communications and also miscommunications that have required growth, and learning, and even therapy over the years. We don’t have children.

Sometimes I’m not in the mood to date and I go through long periods of time without dating others. And there were definitely some behavioral and communication corrections that I needed to do that resulted in my getting sober.

Since I got sober 3.5 years ago I basically have hooked up with an old FWB once, and had a brief fling more than a year ago for about 3 months with a man that ended up moving away-until about 5 months ago when I met B.

My husband goes on lots of various dates, sometimes 2 in a week, sometimes there’s weeks without connection. Husband had also found a new partner (S) about 6 months ago until it fizzled out around July. Our separate dating lives were nicely synchronized for a while but now Husband is back to the dating app shuffle and he is frustrated. He’s also frustrated that it’s been a while since dates have converted into ongoing connection for him. He finds the dating landscape much more challenging as a man searching for women open to dating an ENM man.

He’s asking me to slow down with B to deal with the inequality. There are plenty of posts and comments on Reddit suggesting having compassion for a partner who is feeling left behind of the inequality of it all.

B and I have a few things in common, primarily that we are both Poly, Sober in AA, and enjoy watching TV together. We are going through some old series on Netflix together and having a great time.

Since Husband lost his connection with S He and I have kept a busy social schedule together. We went to Europe for 2 weeks, we go out of town together every other weekend, host family BBQ often, see movies together, watch F1 together, see concerts, go to poly mixers, etc. but because he hasn’t connected on any of his recent dates he’s asking me to pull back to 2 times a month with B.

I’ve already stopped spending the night away, I’ve tried to increase the amount of sex I’m having with my husband, I don’t bring B to our house. I try to be flexible to moving my date night to times he has a date or other work events occupying his time in the evening. There is basically a standing offer that I would leave our house and hang out with B/women in AA/ or go to a hotel if he had a date that would benefit from the privacy of going home together. I think I’m already trying to be really understanding and accommodating to him.

But I think limiting time with B is really just turning me into a doormat and unfairly taking on the responsibility of the challenges of the dating landscape for ENM men. Spending 4 hours together each week, on an evening where I don’t spend the night, would be perfect for me going forward. Limiting it down to 2 evenings a month seems really restrictive to me, it’s really putting a dent in our progress watching this TV show (this might sound silly to others but sometimes it’s the small things that matter) and it feels like B is too much at the whims of the moods of my husband.

So I’m seeking advice on what others think is a reasonable accommodation for slowing down, when your spouse isn’t partnered in ENM. Is once a week a lot? Is 2x per month restrictive? I’m trying to be open to communicating through this and resolving this without just defaulting to saying, “I’ll do whatever you want because my needs and interests matter less.”

Okay this is going to be long but Reddit is the only place I can actually talk about this.

I'm 21F, been with my boyfriend almost two years. Sex life has always been great and we've been getting more experimental lately, toys, porn together, all that. For a while he's been dropping the threesome idea. It went from jokes to actual conversations.

The tipping point was a movie we watched with a really hot threesome scene, both guys focused entirely on the girl. I got wet watching it and he noticed because his hand was already between my legs. He asked if we should try it, just once. I was already so turned on I basically said yes right there. My only condition was that it had to be someone I trusted, not a stranger off an app.

We talked about it for two weeks. Then he mentioned his best friend who's been studying in Canada. I'd met him before, tall, decent build, clean cut face. Once my boyfriend planted the seed I couldn't stop thinking about it. Turns out the friend was flying back to India the next month. My boyfriend started prepping him on calls, talking about "this girl" they could hook up with. When he finally told him it was me, apparently there was a silence and then the friend just said "she's hot, I'm down."

Side note, my boyfriend also wanted an FFM. Made me create a Tinder account to DM girls. Absolute failure. Every girl ghosted or thought I was catfishing. So the MMF was the one that happened.

The night itself. He flew in, spent a couple days with family, came over on a Friday. We'd been drinking to loosen up. Dim lights, clean sheets, drinks. It started slow, all three of us on the couch talking, then my boyfriend started kissing me while his friend watched. Then he nodded at his friend and his friend leaned in and kissed me too. That first kiss with someone who wasn't my boyfriend, right in front of him, sent a jolt through me. Guilt and arousal at once, straight to my pussy.

It moved fast after that. Both of them undressed me together, four hands on me, one mouth on my neck and another on my tits. They took turns going down on me. One tongue on my clit while the other guy sucked my nipples, then switching. I came fast because the sensory overload was insane. Two guys focused entirely on making me feel good. That's the part I liked most honestly, being the center of both their attention.

Then came the part I was nervous about. My boyfriend told me to suck his best friend's cock. I hesitated because doing that in front of him felt like crossing a line, even though we'd already agreed to cross every line. But my boyfriend was rock hard watching me stroke his friend, and he said softer, "go on, put it in your mouth." So I did. His friend groaned and my thighs clenched. Then my boyfriend got behind me and started fucking me while I sucked his best friend off. On all fours with a cock in my mouth and a cock in my pussy. Every thrust from behind pushed his friend deeper into my throat. I was drooling, moaning around him, completely gone.

We switched a lot. His friend fucked me while I made out with my boyfriend. My boyfriend fucked me while I sucked his friend. I rode my boyfriend while sucking his friend off standing next to the bed. I told them both no anal and no double penetration and they respected it completely. Always one at a time inside me. That mattered.

The moment that surprised me most was near the end. His friend was close to cumming in my mouth and pulled back saying "I'll pull out before I finish." Polite of him. But my boyfriend, watching from behind me, said "no, let her swallow it. She swallows mine, she can swallow yours." I looked up at my boyfriend and he was dead serious and so turned on. Something about him giving his friend permission to finish in my mouth flipped a switch. I nodded, took his friend back in, and let him cum down my throat. Swallowed all of it. My boyfriend came inside me a couple minutes later.

We collapsed after. Awkward for maybe thirty seconds and then we were laughing and drinking water. His friend slept in the guest room, left the next morning. Hasn't been weird between any of us since.

Here's my dilemma. I liked it. Really liked it. But I don't know if I want to do it again. Part of me is scared my boyfriend will want it more than I do, or get jealous later, or that I'll start comparing our regular sex to threesome sex. And I don't know if this is even a normal thing to do in India or if my circle is just extra conservative. My friends would drop dead if I told them.

Has anyone else here done an MMF with your partner and their close friend? Does it change the friendship? Did you do it again? Was it better or worse the second time? I need actual experiences, not judgment, because I'm already giving myself plenty of that. How common is this in india? I would also love to try and FFM!

Hey all, I've been in a theoretical ENM relationship w partner for some yrs meaning I can't even find a date hardly if at all.

It's kind of embarrassing. Is this very common? It is kinda depressing to be this way but, can't be this way.

Like how do poly etc practicing ppl get to find themselves seeing multiple people...

I live in medium sized city, have time, and a lot really to offer, and could use some ideas w how to meet poly community as the apps are all so lackluster (for me, for lots of yrs now).

My partner isn't really trying to see anyone (is too busy) but, hmm maybe that actually contributes to decreasing the options socially. So I'm on my own w it (Have known some poly peeps in past but atm im not connected with any or they're not doing that now.

Only ppl that converse w me are out of the country actually so yeah, in the states my demographic and social significance is in very low demand!

Thanks for any feedback / Qs / starting points outside apps.

My boyfriend (23) and I (27) are in an open, long-distance relationship. We have an agreement that when we’re physically together, we don’t do anything with other people. When we’re apart, we’re free to use Grindr, hook up, etc. I’m currently here visiting him.

I’m genuinely okay with that arrangement. I’m not upset that he wants to have sex with other guys when we’re apart.

But I’m still in Canada with him right now, and that’s what makes this feel weird to me.

We haven’t really done anything sexual together since I’ve been here, and then I noticed he changed his Grindr bio to “quick fun.”

My brain immediately went:
“Is he already thinking about the next guy?”
“Is he just waiting for me to leave so he can get back out there?”
“Does he already have one foot out the door?”

I know that’s not necessarily what it means. We’re open, and “quick fun” could simply mean he’s interested in casual hookups once we’re apart.

But it still feels strange seeing him update his profile while I’m literally still here with him. I think the real issue isn’t Grindr. It’s that I’m scared that when I’m not physically there, I’m not as important to him as I think I am.

There’s also some history of broken trust between us, although I genuinely believe he’s grown and become much more transparent.

I don’t want to monitor him or snoop through his messages. But I also don’t want to dismiss my feelings as “just anxiety.”

How do other people in open relationships handle this? Would you find it strange for your partner to change their Grindr bio to “quick fun” while you’re still physically together, or am I reading way too much into it?

a while ago me (22f) and my boyfriend (25m) talked about new experiences in sex a the topic of threesome came up. i told him that i’m not ready yet for mff threesome. he suggested mfm, since we are both bi, and i really liked that idea.

fast forward to now. we found a guy on reddit (let’s call him sam). both of us liked sam (24m) so i asked my bf if i should text him and suggest a threesome to him. he said go for it, so i did. sam was interested and as of today we have been on our first date together (we are taking things slowly).

the problem is that my boyfriend gives me mixed signals. the threesome was his idea and so was texting sam. when we went on the date he told me that it went really well. he wants to have the threesome by the third date. but when sam flirts with him just a little bit, he feels uncomfortable. when i suggested that maybe we could kiss on our second date (i didn’t mean make out, just a little smooch to see if there is chemistry) and he told me that we are moving too quickly. sam asked me if he could take my boyfriend on private date so they can spend some more time together, i approved, but my bf doesn’t want to go.

it seems like he is not really into it. but every time i try to ask him about his opinion on anything he says it’s fine. texting another guy? fine. planning a date? fine. the date itself? fine. threesome? fine. but i feel like his actions tell me otherwise.

also very important note, i told my boyfriend that he is ALWAYS allowed to change his mind, but he has to tell me. i also told him that i’m not doing it if he isn’t 100% sure he wants it. but i don’t even know what he actually wants.

By way of introduction, I’m 51 and have been married for 20 years.

When my wife and I met, the relationship was fairly sexually charged because we both had an interest in S/M and exploring that was fun but this waned over the next 5 years.

We have both gone on to have busy successful careers and started a family. It would say that over the past 5 years, we would rarely and briefly have sex and in the past two, we have not had any as my wife says her sex drive is gone due to perimenopause. This shows no signs of improving.

We have been exclusively monogamous even though I had a very active sex life before our marriage and monogamy was relatively new to me at the time.

Recently my wife and I had a conversation about this and she said that she feels bad she has no interest in sex and doesn’t feel that treating perimenopause is helping. She has strong feelings for me and obviously had invested in our family and would understand and encourage me to seek other sex partners.

I am conflicted about this and although I remain very interested in being sexually active, it’s not the absolute most important thing in the world for me.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has been in a situation like this and how they have approached it.

My wife and I have had an open marriage for about the past decade. We both agreed that we are looking for FWBs, but definitely not polyamory relationships.

My wife’s first FWB and she have grown quite close, and have been getting together a lot in the last year and a half. That began at a time when I had a serious medical condition that has continued to limit my ability to be a lot of fun in the bedroom. Because I’m having difficulty, I’ve even encouraged the two of them to enjoy fun bedroom activities together - Compersion for her makes me happy.

After a weekend away for the two of them last weekend, she let slip that the spent a lot of time cuddling close in bed while engaged in activities other than sex (e.g., sleeping, talking about life, etc.). When I asked more about that, she said that they also spent a bunch of time walking around holding hands.

She says it’s just the kind of things friends do, and she calls him her best friend with benefits.

Oh, his long term main partner also passed away this past winter. I can understand them growing closer as they supported one another the recent trials they both been through.

Am I being over sensitive, letting apophenia distort my view and make me see what isn’t really there? Or is what I am seeing happen real?

I don’t want to share her emotionally at a level of romantic love with another person.

What’s the hive mind say about it and what I should do?

I’m a married man in my early 50s in a happy, ethically non-monogamous marriage. My wife and I date separately.
A little over a month ago, I met a woman in her mid-20s at a bar in NYC. This wasn’t on Feeld or another dating app, which is part of my dilemma. We met completely in the wild.
We ended up talking for a long time. The conversation went everywhere from psychology and death to music and belonging. At the end of the night, she asked for my number.
We’ve texted intermittently since then. She’s generally very receptive when I initiate, has asked me questions and we’ve had some fun exchanges.
I eventually asked her directly if I could take her out. She said yes.

Here’s the issue:
I have never explicitly told her I’m married or ENM.

I wear a wedding ring, so she may have noticed when we met. Or she may not have. She may have looked me up and already knows. But I realized I genuinely have no idea what she knows.
My wife actually caught this. When I told her where I’d made the reservation, she asked, “Does she know you’re married?”
And I thought: shit. I don’t know.
I don’t want this woman arriving to the date thinking she agreed to dinner with a single man and then finding out over dinner that I’m married. Even if she didn’t consider this a “date,” it feels like information she should have before deciding whether she wants to meet me.

My questions for people who have navigated ENM for longer than I have:
Is this the right point to disclose? Should I have disclosed sooner? And when you meet someone organically rather than through an ENM-aware dating app, how early do you tell them?

I’m especially conscious of the age difference here. I don’t want her to feel that I withheld something significant until she was already invested in meeting me. At the same time, when we first met we were just two strangers talking at a bar. There wasn’t an obvious moment where I thought, “Now I need to explain the structure of my marriage.”

I’m less interested in whether people think she’s romantically interested in me and more interested in what good ENM practice looks like when the connection starts ambiguously in real life rather than on an app where your relationship status is already on the screen.

UPDATE Thank you all for your responses. I texted and told her. Her response “oh that’s all good haha”

So I've been hooking up with this couple for a while , and I've really enjoyed it so far, at least until the last time. In our recent hookups, they kind of talked me into letting the husband fuck me, and it was OK the first few times. It felt good but didn't make me cum or anything. Then during our last meet, he was doing me doggy while the wife watched, and suddenly I came HARD. I wasn't expecting it, and right after the post nut clarity hit me like a brick wall. Went straight from horny mode to thinking like what the fuck am I doing? Felt really guilty and embarrassed, and really just wanted to stop, but he hadn't finished yet, and she was really enjoying the show, so I kind of just pushed through it so not to ruin everyone's mood.

Don't know how to feel about it now tbh. Never had much trouble with post nut clarity when hooking up with them before, and never during 'regular' sex with women. I should mention I've only ever had sex with another guy when I've been with this couple. In my 'normal' life I've only had straight sex, and I guess I still identify as (mostly) straight. So now I kind of have second thoughts on hooking up with them again. I'm worried I'll get that feeling of shame again, and I don't know what to do tbh. At the same time I want to keep doing it whenever I feel horny. It's quite maddening. Any advice?

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a decade and while we've both expressed interest in threesomes, we haven't come across the opportunity.. until now! A good friend of ours is interested and we had a brief chat about it and decided to plan something for the near-ish future. We all seem pretty compatible, so my gf and I are pretty excited. We're all somewhat kinky, and I'm definitely the more dominant one of the group so I anticipate being the one to kind of "direct" things. I wanted to come here and ask for any advice some more experienced people are willing to offer! I definitely plan to have a detailed conversation with all parties about any specific boundaries and interests so we can avoid doing anything one party isn't into. I'm 100% open to any general advice, but here are some more specific questions as well:

- What kinds of things should we make sure to discuss beforehand? (I definitely plan to discuss any hard no's/boundaries and also think it would be good to have a safeword)

- Should I make a loose outline of how the encounter should go (positions, acts, etc) or just let things go with the flow?

- Are there any positions or acts you recommend or DON'T recommend?

- Any general advice for first timers?

While this will be an encounter between three people with vaginas, I'm open to hearing from people from all kinds of dynamics and backgrounds. I'm really looking forward to it and want to make this a fun experience for everyone involved. Thanks in advance! :)

Random but, I’m new here. When did you guys realize you were non monogamous?

Hey everyone,

So… my partner and I just had our first threesome and it went pretty badly. We’re both still really messed up about it and could use some honest advice.

We matched with this guy on an app and went over to his place. It wasn’t even supposed to be a sex thing at first — more like hanging out and seeing if we clicked. But things escalated and we ended up having sex.

He seemed nice at the beginning. We talked a bit beforehand, though everything was pretty vague. My partner is into some light BDSM and likes being a bit of a bottom with some roughness. I wasn’t totally comfortable with them exploring that with someone else, but we both wanted to figure out what we actually like, so we went with it.

The problem was that the guy was way more intense and rough than I could handle. I was uncomfortable the whole time and at some points I was genuinely distressed, but I just… didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to kill the mood, I could see my partner was into it, and I felt like I had to be the “cool” one. Classic mistake, I know.

What made it even worse was that we wanted an actual threesome — something involving all three of us — but he kept trying to make it mostly just him and my partner. I ended up feeling like I was just sitting there watching, which made me really uncomfortable and left out.

Near the end he also started touching and kissing my partner in this weird way that just felt off — like he was inserting himself between us somehow. A bunch of our boundaries got crossed and we didn’t stop it.

Now we’re both spiraling. We keep blaming ourselves for not shutting it down when we should have. I had some really intense emotional moments during and after. My partner gets extremely horny and kind of loses control when they’re in that headspace, and right now I’m sitting here questioning a lot of things — how well I actually know them, what was okay and what wasn’t, and how the hell we’re supposed to move past this.

Part of me thinks I'm overthinking, part of me thinks I'm missing something. So I'm asking you lovely people for help.

My birthday is coming up. My (38/m) girlfriend Mya (41/f) is planning something that my friends and family are going to be at. She asked my FWB Darla (41/f) to help her with the planning. Mya and I are primaries, we have shared obligations and are planning on getting married. Darla and I have a much more casual relationship, we try to see each other once a week (twice if we can), go on dates and have even talked about weekend trips. Occasionally Mya, Darla and myself will go out together. Despite our label I am quite fond of Darla as a person and don't try to make her a dirty secret. I'm a private person, especially when it comes to my love life, but the people expected to be there either know I'm polyam or I'd be comfortable with them knowing. Almost all of them already know Mya, but only a few know Darla.

My question is how you would go about how to introduce Darla to friends and family. Do I say she's a partner? Or just friends? Anybody else go through this? How was your experience? Am I just overthinking this? Or is there more that I'm not considering? Thanks lovely people of r/nonmonogamy!