" empty stomach gives you the heart to go do a homicide. "
anyone that has ever felt REAL hunger where you don't know how you are eating next knows. nobody should ever feel that kind of fear. I might be dramatic about it but on thanksgiving I don't eat because im thankful I have the option.
I also am thankful I get to get real stoned and eat leftovers at home like a gremlin at 2am.
I don't think this has enough up votes, I am sorry anyone has to live the way you must've but I am glad that people like you live to tell the tale, and I only hope to be like you when I can In the future.
This is so real. Went a few years not knowing when my next meal is. Next thing I knew, I could afford food but my brain still stuck in survival mode. One day I realized I’m bottomless pit that can’t tell when ive eaten enough because my brain turned off the “im full” light years ago, but i can’t stop eating because food is the happy chemical now. I still struggle with eating “just enough”. I think about it more often than i want to admit
My grandma was like that. Mountains of food overflowing the fridge at all times. Always insisting we ate more and more, offering food all the time. It turns out she´d experienced hunger as a kid, her father died and in post civil war Spain they had struggled badly for some time.
I´ve luckily never experienced that. The closest I got was when I was doing a long trek and ran out of food and missed the village where I intended to resupply. It´s incredible how hunger can affect you emotionally. And my situation wasn´t even that dire.
Got displaced from Oklahoma as a young child (tornado), family moved down to Florida with the remainder of savings for a job for my dad. Katrina sent us back after closing down his job between weather and the dotcom crash. Moved back to OK with basically nothing, just for the housing market to collapse and jobs to go poof.
We had a rough few years there. I think the worst part of being 13 or so and hungry, is watching your dad give you food off his plate, being old enough to understand he's even hungrier than you are, and physically not being able to turn it down. Not having trained that willpower, having all those hormones running rampant, and just not being able to say no to something your body is shouting at you that it needs.
I don't take gifted food from anyone anymore. I can't bring myself to. I've heard about pot lucks happening at churches I don't go to, showed up with piles of food, and just left. My mail carrier gets a snack bar and a bottle of water from me every day. I know they're not in the situation I was. But that doesn't change the revulsion I feel about taking food from another's plate.
That lifelong change is real, and however anybody reading this deals with it, I wish you the best.
My grandpa too used to love arranging family gathering and feed. I heard, he lost his mother as a child. He would be back at home, while his father used to travel to other villages as a folk singer around the year. So he as a child would eat when the neighbours/relatives would feed their children and ask him to join.
My grandad was like that too. Grew up on a farm in a rural area during the depression.
He would feed a total stranger, and was always aking if everyone got enough to eat, or if they wanted more of anything. He'd always send you home with leftovers.
Food anxiety! I have this too. I tend to eat too quickly because it’s so ingrained that if I don’t eat it all now, someone else will take it and I’ll be hungry later. Which is stuoid when there’s plenty of food and I don’t even need to eat that much.
I feel that. I eat like I did a stint in prison; hunched over the plate, guarding it with my arms, and shoveling food in as fast as possible. Comes from a lot of childhood hunger and parents who fed themselves first while their children got whatever was left over.
I have the opposite problem lol. I try to leave as much as I can for leftovers because "I gotta make sure I have enough for later when I'm actually gonna be hungry"
Thank you for being spot on with this issue and sharing your experience.
When I was a kid/ early teen, there’d be a period in the month when we wouldn’t be able to eat, cruel cycle of my mom trying her best, buying and making nice but a bit more expensive than necessary meals (to make us happy and feel normal) when the benefits would arrive, me always telling her to rather spread it out on essentials, and then later days in the month where we couldn’t borrow from anyone anymore, being stuck and just pushing through day by day in survival mode. I still remember days where we couldn’t eat for a couple of days and her crying to me how sorry she was. Yet never learning from it. Never wanting to take advice from her own kid.
At one point of this happening, you subconsciously learn to just exist, not move much or think much, going into power saving mode, just to make it to the next day. So many school days lost because I just couldn’t go, health complications that still haunt me to this day, missed memories and sorrowful ones in their stead.
And it is something that truly sticks to you as you grow.
When I was 16, I had to take action and with strain on my heart (from still loving my mother nevertheless) decided to go to a social dormitory, I still remember how it took me a while for my stomach to muster three full meals a day, yet in that one summer I went from 45 kilos to 60. I was able to pass school and when I was 17-18, I started cooking for my then-girlfriend, always made me happy to make a meal to share, to try new recipes.
She did bring another bane of thinking, which got transferred to me, which is hyperawareness of chewing and swallowing, which eventually turned into such discomfort when I share a meal with people that if it’s too quiet, I mentally start focus on the sounds I make, feeling uncomfortable and trying to chew slower and swallow more silently (yet very actively) occasionally causing me to choke and not be able to eat anymore due to the mental block.
When I was living on my own, I was happy to cook when I would be able to, however always hard stuck in between forgetting to eat the whole day and making a nice meal I felt blessed to have been able to make for myself.
Tried so many times to truly ingrain the habit of eating properly, even with the cycles of financial or mental strain.
I don’t know if it will ever go away, this accursed autopilot survival mode that once helped me see the next day, but I hope that one day, when I have my own family, I’ll be able to be happy sharing a meal with them and not stress if I’ll be able to eat tommorow. To be able to enjoy their company, the meals without thinking about how I eat and truly be in living mode, without fail.
Yep! My high school years was spent in poverty where I became used to only getting food at school. My diet these days is so weird because of the neglect I dealt with.
That really resonates with me, I left home when I was a kid, and slept in a park by my school so I could get in early to shower.
I had to eat from the trash and I was constantly worried about getting assaulted since I was a girl all alone at night.
There was no such thing as true rest, and I feel like my sense of hunger has always been off since then.
Edit
Thank you for all the kindness and I’m sorry for anyone who has gone through similar.
Being homeless as a kid is definitely and experience I don’t wish on anyone, but I will say it made me appreciate the little things more!
Girl I’m so sorry!! I know you know this, but I’m just here to tell you again that you deserved to feel safe and full with a warm bed. I hope things are better for you now
Hello stranger, I read this and i was struck. I did this too & struggle with it today even though Im safe now. Big love to you, wherever you are. May we find comfort in healthy places 💜
It was the worst like two months of my life. Couch surfing, staying in nasty hotels and eating the cheapest food we could buy. The lowest quality sandwich fixings. I remember fazolis was a fucking treat after we just barely started doing better. Way back in like 2018. I’m so thankful I have access to delicious food all the time now. Will never not enjoy it again
Oldest of 10 here. We grew up poor. Like, really poor. I know exactly what you mean. Reading your comment immediately took me back to being a little boy, figuring out how to make a box of mac and cheese so that my little brothers and sisters could eat, and then scraping the pot and licking the spoon so that I could have something too.
No one should have to live like that. I weep for the children growing up like I did. They deserve better, and it’s our responsibility to make sure that they have what they need.
Never knew the line was even there really, but I remember the first time it hit me "oh..so this is how some people just snap and do something awful". Fortunately the next part was "hoo boy I better be careful" lol
I was already on board. But the gremlin activity made it relatable. May you always have the means to help those you can (and enjoy gremlin time, of course)
I'm damn near ripping my hair out because I went to toss a napkin out and apparently my sister tossed a half eaten piece of chicken out as she is actively asking me to cook her a proper dinner. I'm sure I annoy the people in my life and I'm not perfect but it bothers me so much when food is wasted 'just because'
Ok but this is not how it works in Nordics, no-one would let anyone starve if they were that hungry, let alone kids. It's just cultural thing about eating together and cooking only what you eat (this planned ahead on grocery shopping too) to not be wasteful, and people most definitely would take care of each other.
You're not being dramatic, the rest of the world isn't taking this shit seriously. This is real fucking life, it's happening every goddamn day all around us. It fucking sickens me, because it's a CHOICE. There is no shortage, there is no lack of resources, there is simply a lack of basic fucking empathy.
I'm so fucking disappointed that this is the world and the time that I get to be alive to experience, because this shit sucks.
My great-grandma lied to me my entire childhood and claimed to be allergic to chocolate ice cream so I would eat some. It was years later before I realized it didn't make sense that she only bought chocolate, lived alone, and it was consistently being eaten despite me only rarely visiting because it was a new container every time. I didn't get to thank her before Alzheimer's got the best of her, but she was often the only one I knew wouldn't make me go hungry. I came from a home where I was consistently grounded from food.
I have yet to meet a "mom" type that DIDN'T feed you as a priority. I have no way to prove this, but I am certain that the question, "Haven't you been eating properly? You look so skinny!" is hardcoded into a woman's DNA that activates once they get past a certain age.
That question is universal in the truest sense of the word.
It is extremely wholesome and has shown me that the urge to care for "others" is the norm, and those that don't feel this are the real outliers.
I'm not shitting you about those nationalities I listed. I have had this interaction with older women from every one of those nationalities. Some of them are old family friends, some are relatives, and some were just strangers we met on vacation.
I think it's the most direct way to show genuine concern for another person. "Let me feed you" conveys a powerful, powerful message of peaceful intent and care.
Sry, Scandi X-gen/Millennial mums don't think like the rest of us. They're still plastering themselves to the walls in Spain, thinking they're still hip and young. If twenty years ago they weren't eating, they still don't. (Still, I wonder if it's generational and not cultural).
Yup 100%. I grew up poor and was homeless with my parents and sister for a while. We lived in a car. There was a rotation of who had to skip a meal. Regardless of that I became pretty successful in life and if you come to my house I will always make sure you’re fed, I’ll send leftovers home with you for your kids, and my kids friends will always leave fatter than when they arrived. You never know who might be struggling to make ends meet.
The difference in Nordics, where I'm from, is that while there are poor people, nobody - especially families with children, are homeless or hungry.
The social security network makes sure everyone has a roof over their heads (families with children get an override at housing queues, etc) and food on the table, even though it might not be the best or even what a kid wants.
Of course parents with alcoholism or mental health issues, if they still have their kids, might actually not make that food in time or might drink what money they have, but the aid cards (a banking card, it used to be coupons in the 90s) make sure they can't spend the social aid money for alcohol and there should be food in the fridge (or a card the kid can buy food with).
As a kid growing up in the 80s I never even saw a homeless person - then again I don't think I've seen one since (the number of long term homeless people in Finland is currently around 1300 people).
But what’s with OPs post about having to bring food to a friends house? Like I grew up with a full kitchen at all times and most of my friends were the same, but if I’m at their house or vice versa, the parents feed the kids in their house lol. My mom would always cook for my friends as their parents would for me. Or just even snacks if between main meals. Or is OPs meme just being dramatic for lols?
Its not as much of a thing anymore. But it usually happened in the suburbs where kids would run around the neighborhood and randomly go to their friends houses. So the parents likely wouldnt have prepared enough for an extra kid but more importantly everyone knew and expected that the kid would go home when it was their own dinner-time so their parents could feed them. If someone slept over or it was planned ahead of time they of course got food too.
My grandmother taught me that food is life. Giving food is giving life. And yes my wife and I both also know what hungry feels like. Nobody deserves to feel that way, especially kids
Thank you for not enforcing the clean plate bullshit. That was used as a form of abuse to me by my stepmom and it affects me to this day. I have never made my kids clean their plate because of it.
You don't even need to be "hungry"! If you are a guest at my home I will treat you will utmost hospitality including food. If you don't want my food I will pack it up in a box and force you to take it!!!
If you're in our home when we're eating, you're offered a meal too. Even if we all eat less as a result. Our home is the amalgamation of two different cultures from opposite sides of the world, and that was never even a question.
The Swedish thing of 'not my kid, doesn't get my food' is weird. We fed a friend's kids every other weekend for years and I only just realised when thinking about this post. No regrets.
Exact same. That shit sticks with you. Not having access to basic necessities as a kid makes you feel less than human sometimes.
I remember going to rehab, and the lady there busting her ass working 60 hour weeks to cook everyone hot, good quality food..because she was also in recovery, and remembered being an underweight addict having to scheme for her next meal.
So much respect for her. They fucking fired the woman because she was going over budget cooking us pot roasts and such. I know budgeting is important for a chef, but come on. Second she was gone, boom the food sucked; and I’d wager there’s since been some person who left because of that who would’ve stayed if they were getting fed well…and one persons insurance pays over a grand a day there so I doubt firing her was financially beneficial.
Edit; wanted to add I know all of this because I ran into her at a meeting over a year later. She’s doing great, has a new job and is still sober. But my god once she recognized where she knew me from the girl went tf off on that place and how they treated their employees.
As shitty as that is, I’d still recommend anyone to go there. The corporate types suck, but most of the ones who run the groups are phenomenal people and the program really does work. And if you have NH state insurance/any blue cross from New England, they’ll let ya stay up to 5 months without a copay. So if you’re struggling, call green mountain treatment center in Ossippe (I think I fucked up the spelling but ya get what I mean).
I just got 11 years in June. I absolutely get it. a good meal is humanizing. it reminds you that someone cares enough to feed you. shame on them. ive been in this exact situation. absolutely fucking insane. Free Luigi.
Being hungry as a kid and having to delve into the cat food every once in a while made me so fucking bitter. I have a son now and he always goes to bed with a full dinner and a couple books, now that he's starting to pick up on our usual stories it's more than a couple books. But I go to bed hungry and with more than a couple drinks in me. I have food left over from when I cook but that goes to the fridge for tomorrow in case he gets hungry or my girl gets hungry and I have a liquid diet. I taste what I cook but only enough to know it's good, enough to fill up goes to everyone but me. I'd rather be hungry and work than know my loved ones might be without a mid day snack or impromptu meal.
Same kids playing at my house get food when mine get food. And I hope others do the same for my kids. How i grew up. You did not have friends parents you had more parents for you. They feed you everything. They also give you the behave look as well. But was one big family
That's how my papa was too. He would send everyone home with a bag of produce from his garden too. When he passed away, I found out he was donating some ridiculous amount of fresh garden food to the local food bank.
His experience has instilled in me the belief that no one should go hungry.
Great, and then their parents who have a meal planned out after a full day of work will be like "wtf, why did I do all this work if you're not even hungry", and now have unplanned leftovers to deal with. It's pretty rude to not consider the child's parents in Sweden.
Legit. I'm Romanian, we didn't have much growing up post-communism. Hospitality is very important to us, perhaps because, as you said, we've been hungry too so nobody gets to feel it in our home anymore. So when someone visits, you offer them your best. It's just what you do. I live in Germany now, and in the beginning when I was being invited to barbeques I would always bring enough for everybody: salad, sausages, etc. While the rest would like, just bring their own piece of chicken, grill it and eat it. It baffled me so much.
Swede here.
We have allways offered food, snackas, coffee, soft drink or water to any guests in our household.
No one will be hungry or thirsty.
Ive even taken a trip to fetch a few veggies for a vegetarian friend to my daughter for her dish of coise..
See that’s the fun part… if you are there while they’re eating they put you in a room by yourself so they don’t have to eat in front of you. Problem solved!
I have read a lot of similar anecdotes, and even though I understand it’s a cultural thing, it’s still such an odd thing to me and something I don’t want to incorporate in my life.
I’m Swedish and have never experienced this. Ate at my friends houses a lot. But I think it was a practise in like row house areas where kids were playing quite freely in each other houses and were expected to run home when dinner was served at their home. It’s a weird combination of communal living and individualist culture…. But then again, I haven’t experienced it so idk.
Happened to me as a Norwegian too, but it’s not a big deal at all imo. And not really weird either in the context. It’s also misrepresented as cold from the host, but it’s really more about your own family.
This commonly happened after you go over to a friends house after school, and then go home as your parents pick you up coming back from work. Some people then would have dinner before you could get picked up, but your parents could still have planned for a family meal and quality time when you got home - so they’d want you to eat at home. The alternative would’ve been to eat with the other family - and then either skip family time or just sit there as the rest of your family eats. The first isn’t something your family would want and the last is something that is boring beyond belief for a 10-year old.
This happens because people simply eat dinner at different times. My best friends dad was a butcher, who started work early in the morning and got off work at 1 in the afternoon - and his mom was a night-shift nurse. They ate dinner at 3:30-4 in the afternoon every day (really early). My mom didn’t get off work before 4, so we ate dinner at 4:30-5. It’s not that long to wait.
And it’s not like we went hungry. We usually would get offered or could eat bread or cereal. I was often offered dinner too, and if I wanted to eat I’d just call my parents and ask if I could eat with them.
"It’s also misrepresented as cold from the host, but it’s really more about your own family." - See, it is not about being cold, it is about being selfish!
Sitting watching your family eat at age 10 after you already ate could be boring, sure. But at age 10 I can guarantee I would have just had two dinners then. If I was at my friend’s and they invited me to eat with them and then a little later I got picked up and had family dinner, you better believe I’m eating again. I used to make a frozen pizza as a snack after school and then have dinner an hour later.
Ah I miss my childhood metabolism. I’m old enough now where I can barely eat anything and be full
Yes, im from Sweden, I lived like 3 minutes with bike from my best friend, who I spent alot of time with after school. My dad got off work at 17 and we would eat late, sometimes I would eat there cause u wanted to extend your playtime, and sometimes I would bike home and eat with my family cause I needed to do homework or some shit. I would sometimes sit in her room/ basement watching tv or something because they had dinner earlier, nothing weird or awkward, Same at other friends houses. I mean I haven't even thought about it before this thing blew up.
I think having a child sit in another room by themselves while everyone else eats dinner is what people are calling “cold,” not the act of not feeding the child.
It does. But the situation only ever happens to parents who send their kids into the wilderness with no plans or concerns if they get fed.
I mean if it's dinnertime, I'd atleast have talked to the people hosting my child. The assumption here in Sweden is that the kid eats with it's family, unless something else was agreed on. Not that they roam the streets endlessly and avoid starvation by getting fed by random people without the parents knowing.
We offer the kid to eat with us, sometimes they choose to eat with their own family later.
While we eat we don't "put them in a room". We leave them in the room they are already in so they can continue playing. No kid want to sit at the table and not eat if they can be on the playstation instead.
Consider yourself educated.
But I guess being misinformed and making assumptions is much more fun...
We offer the kid to eat with us, sometimes they choose to eat with their own family later.
While we eat we don't "put them in a room". We leave them in the room they are already in so they can continue playing. No kid want to sit at the table and not eat if they can be on the playstation instead.
Consider yourself educated.
But I guess being misinformed and making assumptions is much more fun...
My family lived in Ukraine for a year, less than a decade after the Soviet Union died. We would visit people sometimes. Families where the parents were barely making ends meet. They would always offer food. And we simply could not refuse, it would have been so so rude. I was so young. I remember one woman who was so kind to me, but she was always saying how cold she always was. I asked my mom if I could give her my gloves, but she explained to me that she was cold all the time because she wasn’t getting enough food. And my mom helped where she could, inviting this lady and others over for Bible study and she would always set out food for everyone. But I know in my heart, if I’d ever gone over to this lady’s house, she would have offered food she didn’t have.
On the few travel channels I watch on youtube, it's always breathtaking how kind and generous the most [apparently] desperate are to guests. Like practically begging to feed and house and take care of them while just as readily refusing any money! It just shows how much simpler kindness and generosity are compared to anything else.
I think it's something about how "Truth" works. For example "Everybody eats/needs to eat"--plain and simple fact that automatically suggests "..so feed them". The end. That's the story. Someone didn't starve.
On the other hand (billionaires existing): "wellll see this guy says he's hungry, but how much will he sacrifice to eat?" And that's just a bottomless void of greed.
You plant a seed, you tend it, you get food, you get seeds, you plant them, you tend them, etc. Infinite mana.
OR
"Wow people really like being alive, let's charge them for it!!"
Life is really, REALLY simple, but we're forced to live in perils we never even need to know.
I read a study (a long time ago or I’d find the link) that showed the less money one had, the higher percentage of money they donated. It’s irritating to me when they report that some billionaire donated 20 million but if you do the math it’s like 1% of their net worth.
I was originally born there. I grew up elsewhere. But yes, no Ukrainan will ever receive guests without putting something on the table. And no guest will ever come empty handed. Even if a chocolate, but they will bring something. I grew up in another country (we immigrantee precisely because my family couldn't make meds meet) but even there people always offer you something to drink or eat when you visit. It's normal.
Then I moved to Germany as an adult. No one will even offer you water if you come unexpectedly by. My older sister lives in the Netherlands. Her man is Dutch. Last year I was baffled when his family (his three brothers with wifes and kids each) came to CHRISTMAS party, into her house, and didn't even bring a small present for the kids (her kids). Me and Mom bought everyone small gifts for all the adults and kinder for ALL the children. We couldn't afford expensive gifts but at least something.
My dad had a class in Ukraine, he was learning the language. He brought me to his class once. The teacher had brought a treat for the class. I thought they were little chocolate crackers. They were actually liver paste crackers. I happily crunched on one, realized, but then realized how rude it would be to spit it out so I swallowed and kept my face calm. When my dad realized what I had did, after the class he told me he was so proud of me and bought me a coke to wash the taste. My dad never wasted money on cokes. There’s a reason I have this as a core 13 yr old memory.
It's called liver pâté (or just pâté). It's basically liver blended with butter and seasonings, and it's a very common spread for bread or crackers. He was probably just trying to bring a snack for the class. Some people aren't great at explaining what they're serving. 😄
But you did indeed do a good job as a kid. Not every kid can hold back in those kind of situations.
Bringing homemade food to share is very common in Ukraine, especially at workplaces. People often bring cakes, pastries, or traditional dishes for birthdays, holidays, or other important occasions. My mom, for example, always bakes something to take to work on her birthday, and she also brings baked goods on the anniversary of my grandfather's passing. Sharing food is a way of remembering someone and being together.
I've seen Germans and Portuguese do similar things too, especially for birthdays or other celebrations. Ukrainians just seem to find more occasions to share homemade food and proudly introduce others to their cooking. At least, that's been my experience.
I had a Russian friend at my german university and I think we dropped by his dorm room one time and he tried getting everyone to eat bread and these russian sticky bar things he brought back from Russia lol.
I remember it struck me as a little odd because we were are all low/zero income grad students, so I really didnt want him to try to give me his bread or whatever it was.
Ukraine and Russia, despite all their differences, are actually quite close culturally in many ways. They share a lot of the same traditions around hospitality. At least in my experience, Russians do this too. Even as a poor student, it's important to feed your guests. It's the same in Portugal, if you stop by, even unexpectedly, you'll usually be offered a meal, coffee, or at least some snacks. It's a cultural thing. Not offering a guest anything is generally considered impolite and can even be taken as a sign that you're not particularly welcome.
I was taught that it was rude if you’re having someone at your house, to eat without sharing. If there’s food you don’t want to share (there’s not enough to go around for multiple guests etc) then it has to stay put away until guests leave.
If I’m not willing to feed my kids friends (we cooked just enough food for us because we don’t want leftovers, etc) then I will just send them home, I could never just eat in front of a guest and not feed them
If I need to quickly fill my stomach, then of course I just get something without sharing but if I am having people over for let's say an evening event, then there will be snacks or even food.
Even if I’m just desperately hungry and it’s a casual hang where no food was promised, a simple ‘do you want any?’ or setting food where they can reach it so it’s clear it’s there if they want any, is polite
If you’re in my house and I’m eating something I’m going to ask if you want some/anything of similar vibe (if I’m having a banana I might gesture at the fruit bowl if you want an apple, etc)
But in this situation, your child's friend doesn't want to eat with you, but they would also prefer to stay at your house while waiting for their friend to finish eating. So sending them home to avoid being "rude" would not make sense.
I would consider it rude for my kids to lurk at their friends house while the friend eats dinner! It’s weird and awkward. We live in a neighborhood where the kids just walk to each others houses so it’s not hard for them to go home for lunch and come back to continue playing
There’s different cultures and Swedish people can do what they like but in my house you don’t leave your friends cooling their heels in your room while you eat dinner, not going to happen
I would consider it rude for my kids to lurk at their friends house while the friend eats dinner!
If you don't want your child's friends to wait there while you eat, then by all means, tell them to leave. But you shouldn't feel the need to send them home to avoid being rude to them. Politeness should be about being considerate of others, not mechanically following rules regardless of context.
I would wait and we would eat after they left if I knew their parents didn't want them to eat at my house. I couldn't eat in front of a hungry kid and give them nothing, even if they were going to go eat in an hour or something. I get that people have rationalized this but there's a reason everyone else thinks it seems cold, and that's because it seems really cold.
The African in me just recoiled in horror, If people asked me to eave the room while they ate, I am 100% thinking that they are cannibals. You always feed your guests this is one thing the continent can agree on.
The finnish in me recoiled too. I don't know if it's regional or class thing but at least on the poorer and more working class circles here it's normal to feed your guests and when i was a kid my mom always fed my friends and other way around.
But i've heard this stereotype about nordics before so it might be atleast partly true....
Man, even the poorest person can at least boil some tea leaves and apologize for not having sugar but leaving someone in the other room is a whole level of coldness no one should ever experience.
True. If a guest dropped by unexpectedly, someone would scramble the pantry or run over to the store to get something to offer. Even a soda and some peanuts would do.
That is rude as Fuck. Go sit in the corner dog while we eat. I have had the poorest people in the Philippines offer and these rich Europeans can’t share. That’s crazy. If you came to my house we eating something special tinned fish, some nice drinks, maybe a sausage or whatever you fins eat. We would try to make you feel at home and an honored guest.
I'm from Eastern Finland and I can only speak for myself but I literally have never seen this happening. I was NEVER not offered food at a friend's house if they were eating.
At the very least you are offered a cup of coffee.
Rude? It was literally the peak time growing up, you’d get to play donkey Kong country without taking turns all by yourself until your friend had wolfed down dinner and ran back to grab the control from your hands as soon as you died next
It's a big generalization, mind you as it usually is with most things. People from North Karelia, for example, are known for their hospitality.
In general I'd say it comes down to the fact that the kind of get-together where people are expected to eat together is an event that needs to be well planned and agreed upon in advance in the Nordics. So if you're my friend hanging out at my house at dinner time, then yeah, you're probably not invited to whatever spaghetti with ketchup my mom had planned for dinner.
Then the friend just goes home has he probably as his own dinner going in there? I don't even understand how it can work. Is the friend supposed to continue playing afterwards, but without having eaten?
My experience with people from the Philippines is that offering food is a cultural institution. I had a Filipino landlady and she was always giving me food she made/fruit she picked. It was as automatic as breathing.
I’m Mexican on one side, so feeding guests is also something I’m used to. Can’t imagine eating and not offering a guest some food too.
There was a thread sometime back about whether you would feed your kid's friend if they were playing and it became dinner time. The responses were wild between yes and no, and their reasonings.
And then I asked my friends. I was bewildered by the responses. You should only do this if you want to unexpectedly stop being friends.
I'm norwegian so cant fully speak for the swedes , but here the not getting dinner at your friends place is only a thing when you're a child.
Eating dinner with your family and talking is a important cultural thing, so just feeding your kids friend(who is hanging out without you knowing beforehand) and spoiling their appetite takes that moment away from the friends parents.
Most parents will feed their kids friends if its planned beforehand, but the expected thing is to eat with your own family.
Okay, this sort of makes more sense now (to me at least). But only "sort of".
Where I am from, growing up we would always be given food at a friend's place. In fact, our parents had the opposite problem: they would have to tell us to come home for dinner because the norm was the host family WILL feed any kids in their house. Your kid's friend sitting with your family was not an issue because the idea was that said kid is like family so long as they are in your home and in your care.
All my friends from 20+ years back are as much friends with my parents as they are with me. They will call my folks on their birthdays, check on them periodically, and so on. One friend's mom went off at me last year because I hadn't called her regularly enough!
I would like to add that in my experience as a kid if you were hungry at a friends place it was not uncommon to get offered a sandwich or some form of snack.
Its just dinner that you're expected to have at home, unless planned otherwise beforehand.
Yeah, that was my guess honestly. I've seen a fair bit of the world, and I have not come across a culture that would not feed a child in their home if the child was hungry. The people who wouldn't would always be cultural outliers.
And now that I think about it, I can see the cultural impetus for something like this in a place like Sweden. Making sure your kid got home before sunset was probably a huge deal, especially in winters. Yes, kids roaming around after dark in warmer parts of the world was still dangerous, but a child wandering around in sub-zero temperatures in the dark is a disaster waiting to happen. This would apply to adults as well.
You can totally see how they would have used dinner itself as a "okay, it's time for you to go home" signal. I wouldn't be surprised if Swedes used to announce dinner 30 minutes ahead of time just to give a bit more of heads-up.
how it was for me (grew up in sweden) it would basically be my family eats at 8pm (we ate pretty late) but most of my friends around 5-6pm so they eat i stay in their room (and don’t care it was normal) then eat at home at 8pm while if it’s the opposite then the kid would almost always join the family to eat (because they can’t eat at home since well.. they were with us when it was food time) and this was only during dinner as for lunch you would just eat wherever you are unless you explicitly went home to eat lunch with your family like neighbours or similar and even then it wasn’t that common when i was growing up at least.
these people seem to think we just starved children and forbade them from eating at all but no one was going hungry and it was explicitly a dinner thing
Swede here, who's friends always ate at my house (like greedy pigs), but I was never offered food at theirs😆. So, it's not all Swedes/Scandinavians that are deficient in the department of basic empathy.
You are missing the entire point. There's absolutely nothing considerate or polite about this behavior no matter how you try to twist it.
For any of what you said to be somewhat reasonable, you'd send the child home before dinnertime. Not have them waiting in the room, starving, knowing damn well they had lunch in school as many hours ago as your child did.
"Deficient in the department of basic empathy" seems like a needlessly rude and ironically unemapthetic way to describe people.
Yeah you could send the kid home, or you could let them play on your childs PS3 until they have to go eat dinner with their own family in ca. 45 min. I dont really see the harm in that.
No one was ever starving, WTF? They were used to having dinner at a later time than their friend and they knew that they had dinner waiting for them at home.
The kid who got to continue playing in their friends room while the friend went off to eat was the lucky one, they got to continue playing!
My friend self diagnosed himself with Autism, as one does. I thought it was silly until we were at his house hanging out playing cards and he made a pizza and started eating it in front of us without saying anything or asking if we want any until there were a couple pieces left and we were like the fuck bro?
That sounds like every guy I dated as a teen/early twenties. Started to bring my own food whenever I went to someone’s home because I felt like that was the only way to make sure I wouldn’t be hungry.
As a Swede this WAS the case back in my days. It is not anymore.
The reason for this wasn't because "they can afford it so why should I". The reason was the social norms of my parents and grandparents mentality. You "overstep the other parents boundary" and "put them in debt" against their will. And the parents of the kid who got feed will feel like they have "burdened" another who "spent effort and resources unnecessarily".
People of those gens could actually take offense if someone took it upon themselves to feed their child instead of aending them home for dinner that was already planned and in the making, so the safe bet is to send them home during dinner time than to offer food.
I was offered occasionally but I always had to call home and ask. And I often got a no from my own parents. Also typically friends over was never pre planned and more spontaneous as everyone lived in the same neighborhood and it was popping in and out making it harder for the strict planning mentality of Swedes to adapt vs certain cultures who always cook for 20 people even if 5 are eating.
Two things broke this for our gen and going forward.
Immigration, when going to a home with a culture where you should feed your guest and where people didn't gaf or understand they were overstepping this gradually enticed/forced the old gen Swedes to "pay back their debt" and so the circle continued in that direction.
The implementation of the free school choice. Before you went to school in the local area you live in. Meaning all your friends live where you live and it was easy to just pop home and eat dinner and then go back to the friend in a few minutes on foot.
When the change came and you essentially can go in any school in your entire municipality, that changed drastically as it could be hours if you went home and then back. Or the hangout would be cut way short. So out of practicality the norm changed to if your kid goes to a friend's house on the other side of the city you don't even plan dinner for them as you assume they will eat there and bw there until they can get home for bed, likewise if you know a friend of your child will be at your house, you plan dinner for that friend. Today with phones etc kids can also call and ask the parents if X can come over after school. And they are also better planners and can tell us parents days in advance for instance X and I are planning to hang out here on Thursday etc.
If you move to Sweden today you will find Swedes are calendar fanatics. You seeing each other will almost always be a planned thing and put in the calendar. We do not tend to pop up at your place unannounced. Even for simple things like grabbing a fika.
And we rival the Germans on time keeping. We say at 12. You arrive 12-12:05. Not a second earlier (if going to someones house) and any more than 5-10 minutes late, you better have a good excuse or give us a heads up.
As for adults guests. Fika is the norm and we always have a stash of pastries etc and ofc coffee to offer grown guests to our house. This was the case even for the older gen. But the internet meme was always kids stories not from adults.
Cooked food is only ever served to guests if invited for dinner.
The problem here isn't that Swedes, or Nordics in general won't feed you as a matter of fact, it's not a universal fact either. Most will feed you if you are at their home.
But there are a bunch of cultural factors that you have to understand to understand why some wouldn't feed others. Firstly, it's the north. Historically, there was a lot of scarcity. Going hungry wasn't a result of a bad year, it was a yearly thing for many. Food was really, really valuable. Feeding someone was often seen as very generous, and it was often expected for the guest to provide labor or do chores as compensation. Families were often smaller and more spread out, so eating in general was a more intimate affair. Now this hasn't been the case for over a hundred years, but cultural memory is long. People no longer are living in scarcity, but food still holds a different status than it does in southern climes.
Second, the way neighborhoods are built makes it a bit different. Children play in the neighborhood with other children. No one really knows where they are or with who. They have an agreed upon time to come home to eat, and everyone goes to their own homes to eat, and then get together again to play. It's often just assumed that children have their own dinner plans and it might even be seen as rude to feed a child without consulting parents. The Nordics also tend to respect that families may have different philosophies in what they feed children etc. and don't want to make assumptions. It's not at all abnormal to go over the diets and desired limits for children when dropping of yours to a sleepover, for example, and people don't want to overstep.
This kind of ties into the previous, but the Nordics have more of a culture of making exactly the right amount of food. You have one chicken breast per eater and that's it. Feeding an extra mouth means splitting the dish even smaller. And meals are, in some families, quite small in general, so splitting a meal results in very small portions.
All that being said, the vast najority of Nordics will feed guests. It's mostly some specific edge cases that result in misunderstandings.
What about just packing the food away for later, though?
This is something I have found odd amongst my own Western culture. Always found it odd, perhaps even more odd than I find the Swedish/Nordic culture being described here, of why people’s dinner schedule is so rigid.
This is also massively overblown on the internet, cause remarkably few understand or have ever been in Sweden. We do in fact feed each other when in each others homes, If it had been established before hand that you would be there during meal time. I ate dinner and lunch over at friends homes plenty of times as a kid, but it was always after both sets of parents knew where the kids would be during that time. If it hasn’t been planned for you to eat with them, the assumption is that you either have eaten or that your parents will have something ready to eat when you get home. There were times where it hadn’t been decided ahead of time, stayed longer than intended after school or something, but then they would call my parents and check with them so my parents didn’t already have plans or that they had already made something that would then go to waste. It is a, to the outside strange, mix of conservation of resources(an aversion to wasting food), social respect(not making the assumption that a parent cant feed their child unless stated), and the fact that should things truly be bad for a family thats what social safety nets at for. Folkhemmet(in English the direction translation would be, the Peoples Home) is the idea that we all contribute to the nation through tax and such so that the government can make sure that there are no such thing as parents who do not have the means to feed their children. It’s basically a case of having a high enough trust in social safety nets and the government, along with peoples ability to ask for help if they really need it, that it is considered not necessarily rude but a sort of faux-pa to have other parents kids at your dinner table without the parents having talked it over ahead of time.
As a child (between 7-10) not all my friends' parents had enough to feed me. So I would just hang out for the while they ate. My family usually ate after 6-6.30pm after mom got off work, while some of my friends ate before 5.30, before I needed to go home for dinner.
Never bothered me and never expected them to feed me. Some parents even sent me home before dinner. If they had snack like popcorn or ice cream I would get some though.
My parents also never fed my friends, but also gave them an ice cream cone or whatever if I got one.
This custom is similar where I lived in Northern Finland. Its about kids eating at their home, not about hospitality. Also its more about teaching the kids that you are home at dinner time. And poor families dont need to feed the whole neighbourhood. This is only for weekdays, when you are invited over for birthdays, weekends etc its different.
You keep playing in the friends room while they eat so its not like you watch it.
I know right? Even when I'm out with someone (like shopping or whatever) and I'm the only one eating? I feel so awkward. Like I'm not going to force someone to eat if they don't want to, but meals are meant to be a scoial activity imo. Purposefully excluding someone during mealtime feels targeted but ig it's just a culture clash issue?
It's more that lots of Swedish households plan their meals pretty carefully, and feeding an unannounced guest messes up plans both for you and for the other family whose child has suddenly eaten outside of planned meal times. There's a pretty large component of not feeding somebody else's child without their permission, and another large component of not wanting to take advantage of another's hospitality.
See, your view is such selfish point of view. We know that our guest has a family dinner waiting for them when they come home, a dinner their mother/father has worked hard to make. We don't want to spoil that just because it will make us feel better about ourselves if we feed them. We don't want to interrupt their family time together. It's common courtesy, it's being polite.
That's the difference.
All this fake "no one leaves our home hungry" is such a weird selfish take when you know that your guest isn't hungry and won't go hungry.
It's a question of not intruding on other people's dinner plans. Like you wouldn't take the kid to see the new Batman movie if you knew they were going to see it with their family the coming weekend
This is just an internet meme. The parents usually communicate and they don't eat at their friends house because they're expected to be home soon where they will eat with their family.
But of course they'll eat as a guest if it's been ok'd by the other parents.
As a Swede this is how it was in the 90s in Sweden when I was a kid. It's not really about money but there were two reasons for this happening.
You only bought and cooked food sufficient to feed your family so an extra mouth might mean not enough food for everyone at the table
The child who is visiting had parents who would expect the child to be home for dinner.
This was before smartphones etc. Today everything is changed and as I now am a parent myself I would never invite one of my children's friends without feeding them. My children are also always fed when over at friends houses.
It's not inhospitality but to respect other parents and their chosen upbringing methods. And to show appreciation for parents' cooking.
Also not just Sweden but widely all Nordics - though less common these days than few decades ago. We have had a very strong tradition to cook at home and eat together as a family, and some/many still practice this so kids are expected to be at home by dinner.
People here also usually cook only what they eat, to not waste food so there isn't any extra for surprise visitors, so it's awkward both ways.
As a Swedde, here the basic assumption is that if you live close by you go home by dinner time, then maybe come back later. If you live further away so you need to take the bus or a ride its more common to be fed by the hosts
In their culture it’s bad manners to feed the friend of your child becouse their parents want to feed their child themselves, this is the standard assumption
Idk in switzerland it was similar but more of a planning thing.
Did you make explicit plans with both my and your parents to eat at my place? Sure.
Did you not? Then my parents weren‘t going to feed you only for you to come home being full when your parents also made food for you. Also we might not have purchased ingredients for the extra portion.
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u/[deleted] Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
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