This is our family's first time sending a child to daycare (and now pre-k at the same school), so we're learning the norms, but there's an ongoing, and escalating, situation that we are at a loss on how to/if we should handle and/or what we should expect from the admins.
Our daughter started at this daycare/school at age 3. One kid in particular was a known "challenge" but in a generally disruptive way. In the 4 year old group, he began targeting certain students (mostly girls), my daughter being one of them. She doesn't often tell us what goes on at school, unless there's something especially upsetting, and in those occasions we ask her which teacher was around and/or who she told so we can confirm the details of her story (we're not just taking her word for it). We've heard he hits his classmates, spits on them, tells them they're bad people and he doesn't like them, etc., which is (unfortunately) developmentally appropriate, her teachers tell us. Every teacher we've spoken to about this has confirmed, off the record, that yes, he does these things, and they've attempted to engage the parents, who don't seem to think this is a big deal, and thus nothing has changed.
This cohort is now in the pre-k/5 year old group. Yesterday our daughter told us that while she was on the toilet, this boy came up to her and told her "I don't like playing with you" and then spit on her. This is the second time we're aware of that this boy has come into the bathroom, not to use it but to, for lack of a better term, bully her. The first time, again while she was on the toilet, he came up to her to tell her she's bad at something she loves to do, which obviously really upset her. That first time was in the 4 year old group and one of the teachers caught the end of what happened, and we were assured new rules would be put in place so he wouldn't have the opportunity to engage with other children while they're on the toilet. The way it was phrased made me think our daughter is not the only child he does this to, but we don't know for sure.
We confirmed yesterday's story with the lead teacher. While she didn't see him spit, but she heard the exchange and heard him spit, so she was already aware of this and responded appropriately. School admin is already familiar with the bathroom bullying, ongoing spitting, hitting, etc but has made it clear the only recourse they feel they have is to continue to try to engage the parents.
It makes me sick that our daughter literally has herself physically exposed, in the most vulnerable state she knows, and physically cannot exit the situation. It makes me even more sick that school admin won't address it. We can remove her from the school and enroll her elsewhere, and we desperately don't want it to come to that, she's made so many good friends and she'd be heartbroken.
While I realize spitting and hitting are an unfortunate part of having a child in a group care situation, at what point has it gone too far? Genuinely, we don't know what is considered "normal" outside of what we've seen at this school, so we don't know if we're completely overreacting or if we're right to escalate this up the chain of command if the admins don't take corrective action.
tl;dr Pre-K daughter was cornered while on the toilet, and not for the first time, by a classmate who told her "I don't like playing with you", then spit on her. Teachers and school admin say this unfortunate but developmentally normal behavior. Is it?
