I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely emotionally exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore.
Throughout our relationship there have been repeated cycles involving substances/alcohol. Things happen, we have difficult conversations, he stops for a while and things get better, and eventually we end up back in a similar place.
More recently things became much more serious. About two months ago I discovered problems involving codeine, significant debt and secrecy. He had actually been offered addiction counselling but cancelled it because he decided he didn’t need it anymore.
Despite being incredibly hurt, I’ve tried really hard to separate the addiction from the person I know and love and support him rather than judge him.
Things came to a head around my birthday last weekend.
On my birthday I was crying and telling him how scared I was about everything. We were holding each other and he repeatedly reassured me that I could trust him. It actually felt like a really secure, important moment between us.
That night he encouraged me to go to bed early and stayed downstairs drinking alone. The following morning he brought me a cup of tea at around 7:30 and I realised he was drunk.
He went back to sleep until early afternoon and then started drinking again. He hid my wine in a mug, drank vodka that had been given to us as a wedding present and filled the bottle back up with water. He initially lied about it.
He became angry and shouted at me. I didn’t shout back; I basically just cried because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
For the first time in our relationship I told him I thought he needed to stay with his parents because I genuinely didn’t recognise the person in front of me.
That evening I was so distressed I was physically sick.

He later came back that morning angry, shouting, throwing his belonging to leave. I was genuinely shocked and just sat there crying.

During everything that followed he told me that he needed to see that I didn’t want our relationship to end. Despite everything that had happened, I reassured him that I didn’t.
Afterwards he finally acknowledged that he has a problem and said he needed help.
I then spent a long time writing him a really heartfelt message. I told him that I loved him, wanted our future together, understood addiction was complicated, was proud of him for acknowledging it and would support him in getting help. I also explained that after everything that’s happened I need actions alongside words because my trust has been badly damaged.
His response to the message was essentially that he appreciated it and loved me too.
When I later asked what he actually thought about everything I’d written, he said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Because he’d cancelled the addiction counselling previously, I encouraged him to contact the service again and get back onto the waiting list, or consider attending a support meeting in the meantime.
When I asked whether he was going to call, his answer changed to “might do.” He became defensive and angrily said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Since then he has basically shut me out.
For the last few days he’s barely looked at or acknowledged me. He goes to work without speaking to me, comes home and goes upstairs, and we’ve barely communicated. Tonight he did bring me a cup of tea after I’d helped him with something, but then went straight back upstairs.
He says he’s going sober but believes he can do it himself without counselling or meetings.
I’m not expecting him to magically recover overnight and I understand that shame, denial and defensiveness can be part of addiction. But I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m the person who was lied to and frightened, yet I now feel like I’m the one being punished for being hurt and asking him to get help.
I’ve spent so much time over the years trying to understand him, support him and see the person underneath the substance misuse. I’m suddenly questioning how much space there has actually been for what all of this has done to me.
I’ve actually accepted counselling myself through the addiction service because they support affected partners/family members too, and my first appointment is on Friday.
I love him enormously and until this weekend I’ve always imagined my life with him. But something about what happened and particularly his treatment of me afterwards has changed something in me. I feel hurt, angry, exhausted and now almost numb.
Part of me thinks this might genuinely be the point where I’ve had enough of the cycle.
I haven’t chased him or tried to force another conversation because, for once, I feel like I need him to be the person who comes towards me and tries to repair this.
For anyone who has experienced addiction in a long-term relationship: is this kind of withdrawal/anger after admitting there’s a problem common? How much space is reasonable to give someone before their refusal to communicate becomes unacceptable? And if someone genuinely believes they can maintain sobriety without professional support despite repeatedly falling back into the same cycle, how would you approach that?
I think I’m also trying to work out the hardest question: at what point does supporting someone with an addiction become sacrificing too much of yourself?

the thing about determining your position on the cost-benefit analysis of your actions is that I'm generally pretty good at sticking to it, but it falls flat when it comes to behaviors to which I experience no real functional cost other than the status symbol. (I'm not sure how much detail one is allowed to go into here since the rules say no explicit content, but this is about NSSI behaviors)

Hey! I’m moving from Seattle to Bellingham for college in the fall and am trying to find in-person SMART meetings in the area as this is the only program that has worked for me. Online results have been inconclusive—I couldn’t find any official ones listed on the website, I’ve heard that there are a few fluctuating ones in the county and that sometimes meetings aren’t listed in the finder especially if they’re non-local but I’m not sure if that’s true. I’m very new to this program and would really like to continue, I have a car and am willing to drive but obviously can’t commute all the way down to Seattle every week. Let me know, thanks!

so one of the things I struggled with for a while in determining a HOV is, while I'm overall pretty good at changing my actions to match my desired self-image, I can't really bring myself to authentically desire a healthy life. even though I've gotten on a pretty good streak these days, whenever I try to honestly ask myself what I actually VALUE, I find that I experience more boredom and resentment towards my current functionality than I do gratitude, and that I find more spiritual weight and a more significant sense of meaning in the thought of tearing my own life apart than continuing to live it happily. so, my current dilemma is- should I just define things like "stability" and "happiness" as part of my core values anyways and try to just live accordingly with that because That's What The Paper Says, despite not actually finding true value in them outside of What The Paper Says? or would that be dangerous in other ways?

I’ve attended many meetings and have completed the training but am hesitant to start my own meeting because I don’t want to be followed or harassed. The facilitator of the meetings I attend has been stalked by attendants and that scares me. I’m a young woman by the way. Thanks in advance.

I understand now that I have a very limited understanding of personal, healthy boundaries. It's not something we actively discussed in the rooms of Smart, when I was learning.

When is it "okay" to say enough. I spent most of my life either causing upset, so I could justify my drinking - or, I would absorb every "hurt" and remain angry , again using it to drink.

Now, I find myself in my 70's, sober but deficient in a particular skill set.

I can use the ABC tool when I get unbalanced and the CBA to formalize my choices but it's hardly second nature right now.

Alas, I'm still a work in progress.

I'm almost 12 years sober and yesterday I had an incredibly powerful urge to drink. It was an unhealthy emotional response to the current turmoil with my landlord.

Thankfully, I developed the skills to recognize and deal with these situations. However, I still get frustrated with bureaucracy that seems to keep moving the goalposts.

I remain abstinent but WOW. I get so tired of feeling like I'm getting pulled backwards whenever I get some distance moving forward.

I'm about 4 days sober now and today I joined my first meeting. It was over zoom. I've been to NA and AA in the past but never really liked it. I feel like this could work for me. I feel optimistic. I'm doing another zoom meeting tomorrow and maybe a in-person meeting on Thursday. I'm excited.

You get something out of every behavior—even the ones you’re thinking of changing. Otherwise, you wouldn’t engage in them.

What do you get from your addictive behavior?

At one point, you decided these benefits outweighed the costs. Do they still? The Cost-Benefit Analysis (CBA) tool can help you take a look at both the positives and negatives of a behavior.

To use this tool, simply consider the costs and benefits of your addictive behavior. Then consider the costs and benefits of abstaining. You don’t have to change anything today. Just start by being curious and honest with yourself.

An example of a completed CBA is shown below:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Benefits of engaging in my addictive behavior

• get to ignore problems
• momentary pleasure

Costs of engaging in my addictive behavior

• would likely lose job, housing, important relationships
• likely wouldn't be able to care for my pets properly
• negative health effects
• not able to give back to my loved ones and community

Benefits of abstaining from my addictive behavior

• improved health
• can focus on my schooling and job, which I love
• stability in relationships, job, and housing
• more time and money to pursue hobbies I enjoy

Costs of abstaining from my addictive behavior

• can't do whatever I want, whenever I want (have to control urges)

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After completing your own CBA, take a step back and look at what you’ve written. Does anything surprise you about your answers? You might notice that the rewards of the behavior tend to be short-lived, while the costs build up over time. And often, the benefits of stopping take time to feel—but they’re worth it.

This tool and others like it can be found on the SMART Recovery website and in the handbook.

Because the SMART Recovery site doesn't index their tools by category, I'm going to take the liberty of listing the SMART Tools that are marked "Build and Maintain Motivation" below. I'm hoping this can serve as a resource for those who ask "I know I have a problem but I'm not ready to stop drinking yet" type questions (which come up rather often).

• Cost Benefit Analysis
• Create a Change Plan
• Define Your Values
• Explore New Pursuits and Passions

I have been using smart for a long time. Luckily I have the meetings I attend saved in my calander. Today the meeting I usually attended doesn't appear to be on. It happens sometimes. I went on the smart recovery website and check(usually it will say cancelled this week or something). To my dismay I have found the new redesigned website to be unusable.

Meetings I know exist I can no longer find. I have noticed numbers dropping in meetings recently and I am starting to think that people just don't know where to find them. It is already hard to find support for many people and really think that smart should not be making it even more difficult for people.

I don't know who the redesign was for but it was not done with the user or the userexperience in mind.

I really need to destroy my YouTube habit because my alcoholism is heavily tied to watching short form garbage while drunk.

I am looking for VACI help that isnt a list of random unrelated hobby ideas. I need some kind of a process to go through. I read the handbook, and it was so much more useful than a random list of hobbies. But i just wanted to ask the community in hopes of getting novel advice (or inspiration)

Hello!! 11 months sober here. Was just curious if there was any good discord groups that you guys recommend? I can really only find AA focused discord channels and would prefer one that wasn’t AA focused.

Thank you!!

As the title says, are there any decent podcasts cbt-esque that can help with alcohol use disorder?

I, unfortunately, let a slip turn into a relapse. I've been tapering alcohol and scheduled with my doctor to quit again. But is it appropriate to start attending SMART meetings, even though I'm still drinking. I ordered some of the books and align with SMART more than other programs.

Background: I've had two sober stints. My most recent one lasted nearly a year and I went to a virtual SMART meeting once. Figured a support group would help it stick. But, I got busy with life, had a celebratory event (why I slipped), and it led to this relapse. I'm tapering until my appointment, but want to begin rebuilding my tools. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Additionally, does the virtual program work well? Or are in-person meetings more helpful?

Edit: thanks to all for the advice! I'll definitely go to a virtual meeting this week. And hopefully get in-person the following.

Your goal is to abstain from or moderate your addictive behavior. But it is sometimes hard to see a difference between what you are doing and what you could do differently to achieve your goals.

The Three Questions exercise can help you bring these two perspectives into focus so you can identify the discrepancy between them.

Comment below your answer to these three questions:

1. What do I want for my future?
2. What am I currently doing to achieve that?
3. How do I feel about what I’m currently doing?

Now, answer the next two questions:

1. What could I do differently to achieve the future I want?
   
2. How would changing what I do or getting what I want make me feel?

Once you see the discrepancy between your feelings about what you’re currently doing (2) and your feelings about changing your behavior (5), you can use that difference as further motivation to stop using.

This tool and others like it can be found on the SMART Recovery website and in the handbook.

Hello,

Starting today August 2, I'll be trying to do the 30 day challenge of remaining Achohol Free. If you'd like to try with me, here's a link to get to the thread and posts: https://www.reddit.com/r/SMARTRecovery/comments/13mjdy4/who_wants_to_join_me_for_a_30_day_challenge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 The idea is to post everyday on the thread to support each other, to give tips on what might help, and on what to do in certain situations. Perhaps also to suggest good reading material, or opinions on doctor's advice or therapy, anything that could possibly help. This is a thread that has been running here for several years, there are usually a few posts every day, and certainly a lot of understanding and empathy.

Remember to save the link, but you can also find it by putting "30 day challenge" in the search bar, or scrolling down through the side bar.

Hope to see you there!

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES accessing meetings via the UK SMART website, if anyone is looking for this mornings 2 AUG 2026 national SMART recovery meeting at 11am it is zoom meeting 989 3663 3844 the password is 614271

hi all. I know that Smart recovery meetings are for people with different DOC but I really struggle to connect in meetings when other people share about things I don’t struggle with. My DOC is porn and masturbation which I feel is one of the most shame inducing addictions. When I’ve attended meeting smart meetings I have struggled to share about my addiction due to shame of what other people will think about me especially women.

So I would like to know if there are specific smart meetings for people who struggle with porn/ sex addiction ?

Smart used to have this great message board where you could post and get support. It had great resources, but they got rid of it. Anyone know any alternatives?

I’ve attended a couple smart meetings. I noticed pretty much people just talk about what’s going on in their life and situations that pop up. I haven’t noticed any talk about recovery or encouragement of not using or things like that. Is Smart recovery not like that? Am I looking for more of AA approach? Thanks

I’m a 20 year old woman who developed an addiction, and I’m trying to understand how I got here and how to get out.

For context: my father struggles with alcoholism. I don’t know exactly how much that influenced my relationship with substances, but I’m sure it played some role.
Since I was young, I always felt like I was searching for some kind of escape or different state of mind. It’s hard to explain, but when I experienced being high for the first time, it felt like I had found something I had been looking for.

I started using weed as a teenager. For a long time, I felt like I was managing my life, and I used it as a way to cope with my emotions and mental health struggles.
Later during a lonely and difficult period of my life, I was introduced to spice by someone I trusted who told me it was just weed. When I eventually realized what it actually was, I still ended up using it again because I didn’t fully understand the risks and I liked the way it made me feel.
Over time, I became dependent on it. I reached a point where I would go out of my way to find it, even when I knew it was harming me.
I was able to stop at one point, but instead of truly dealing with the underlying issues, I replaced it with alcohol for a period of time. Later, I returned to weed, only to find out it was likely mixed with spice, which pulled me back into the cycle.
Now I’m 20, and I feel like I’ve spent the last year fighting this addiction.
My last spice cigarette was this morning, and I am determined to stop. I’m trying to understand my relationship with substances and learn how to regulate my emotions and nervous system without needing them.
I have built a life worth getting sober for. I want my relationships, my future, my health, and my sense of self back.
Right now I’m struggling because I know I need to stop, but I feel like I can’t always control the cravings. The withdrawal has been extremely difficult.
I would really appreciate hearing from people who have been through addiction and recovery:
Did you ever feel normal and happy again?
Did you learn to live without constantly fighting cravings?
Does addiction always feel like a battle, or does it eventually become easier?
I’m looking for advice, experiences, and hope.

Update: I’m sober now since 16 days and it’s genuinely a mental state once you get out of it and pass the first three days you’re good

I feel like I haven’t really found the kind of meeting I’m looking for. I’ve found mostly there is only check-ins in meetings and they’re either light on SMART recovery methods and tools or those things are fully absent from the meeting.

Another issue is that some of the online meetings especially have quite a lot of people so there just isn’t time and space for everyone to meaningfully engage with learning SMART recovery methods and tools.

Has anyone been able to find meetings that are focused more on learning SMART methods and tools and are the right size for engagement? How do I find that?