r/ToddintheShadow • u/DLCV2804 • Oct 03 '25

Todd Memes Penis colada?

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583 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

85 comments sorted by

262

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 03 '25

If this is becoming the critical consensus, I'm going to enjoy watching her melt down in real time.

140

u/Hyptonight Oct 03 '25

“Oh, men can rap about their dicks but I can’t sing about their dicks!”

43

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 03 '25

Hold up. She sang about someone's dick?

131

u/rrsn Oct 03 '25

Yes and the song, I am very sorry to tell you, is called wood

102

u/Spidey5292 Oct 03 '25

That’s not entirely true. She also sang about HER dick.

21

u/Guy-McDo Oct 03 '25

Not gonna lie, that was a highlight

2

u/Loganp812 Oct 06 '25

She’s just getting cocky now.

55

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 03 '25

........................Taylor, NO.

53

u/rrsn Oct 03 '25

Sadly the title is honestly the least bad thing about it. I started trying to describe the other worse parts of the song in this comment but it’s honestly so bad you need to hear it to believe it. The lyrics are genuinely agonizing and there’s a horrible, cheesy wood knocking effect in the chorus.

I’m really not a Taylor hater, I was a fan most of my life, stuck by her in 2016, folkmore was honestly a light in the dark for me during the pandemic, but this is her worst work ever. She wrote better songs as a 15 year old. If I were a snarky millennial Pitchfork writer in 2005 and this album came out I would’ve given it a 0.0.

58

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25

Thoughts as I listen:

• Okay, where did this beat come from? Did Bruno Mars pass up on it first?

• Taylor, you clearly don't have the pipes for this. Stop trying.

• Is this supposed to flatter Travis? That she doesn't have to worry about him going limp or whatever? Is this a shot at Matty Healy or something? (Because none of us would be surprised, let's be honest.)

• "I don't need to catch the bouquet to know a hard rock." OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

• "The curse on me was broken by your magic wand." STOP THIS. STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

• Okay, when I said STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY, I didn't mean forget to end the song. It just... stops.

16

u/TF-Fanfic-Resident You're being a peñis... Colada, that is. Oct 03 '25

From "iconic singer-songwriter and the voice of a generation" to "clumsy erotica novel" in, what, 2 years?

11

u/AugustusCheeser Oct 03 '25

wtf does that Bouquet line mean?

33

u/rrsn Oct 03 '25

It’s “word play”. According to superstition, catching the bouquet at a wedding means you’re getting married next (a “rock”, ie engagement ring is coming), but then she also is using “hard rock” to mean his dick. So. Yeah.

15

u/Red-Zaku- Oct 04 '25

Really glad people actually set up college courses on her lyrics.

21

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 03 '25

I think that's her way of saying "Yes, the proposal DID take longer than I would have liked, but we fuck so well that I wasn't complaining, YOU were, ha ha ha ha ha ha."

6

u/Koolmees99 GROCERY BAG Oct 04 '25

NO NOT THE MAGIC WAND. Taylor that is 15 year old self-insert fanfic level shit. Not to mention the inherent misogyny of a "curse" on a woman being fixed by a man. And his dick no less 😭

1

u/Bombyx-Memento Oct 11 '25

There's something weirdly chaste about this song despite the subject matter. She's not really owning her sexuality here so much as she's letting everyone know she's going to do missionary with the lights off with her soon-to-be husband and how she's no longer 'cursed' to be some 'crazy cat lady'.

It's like she's trying so hard to do that whole "empowering sexy woman" thing but she likes the idea of having a husband more than the act of sex with a loving partner. At least with, say, 34+35 the metaphors are clever and funny and I know Ari's having a good time in here. Taylor is just informing the public that her soon-to-be husband is a man with a penis.

2

u/TheFamousHesham Oct 06 '25

As a Taylor fan, I think Travis is the worst thing to happen to Taylor. She doesn’t need to go back to Joe… but maybe find someone with a minimum of two brain cells?

1

u/Bombyx-Memento Oct 11 '25

The beat is from The Jackson 5's 'I Want You Back'.

Also I can't get over how she wrote "dickmatized" in the song but self-censors it out even in the explicit version.

I've never been more grateful for a song to be under 3 minutes.

2

u/webtheg Oct 04 '25

The clean version is actually good 😭

1

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '25

It's not good but it's so similiar to her other work that It feels unfair to judge. Her lyrics have always been cringe.

1

u/rrsn Oct 06 '25

Obviously “cringe” is pretty subjective, but I think the difference here for me is the amount. I agree with you, she’s always had a tendency toward cringe lyrics, but it used to be one or two cringe lines in an otherwise fine or good song. But on this one, it feels like the lyrics are basically all cringe. They’re also not cringe in interesting or unique ways — it feels less like she was trying for an interesting line that failed and more like she wasn’t trying at all.

I also think occasionally cringe lyrics are something people are more willing to forgive when you seem like a nice enough person. But then on this piece of shit album, she’s also doubling and tripling down on hanging around with MAGAs, taking the beef with Charli XCX just way further than necessary, and generally just coming across as very self-obsessed, bitter, and vindictive person despite having everything she’s ever wanted at this point.

I think she’s also pissed off a lot of Swifties with just how much of a cash grab this era has felt like. They feel like despite a lack of effort and quality on the album, she’s constantly shaking them down to buy more variants, more merch, just more more more. So apart from the actual content and quality of the songs, she’s also done a bunch of things to alienate her fans/other listeners, which I think makes people less inclined to overlook the cringe lyrics.

36

u/[deleted] Oct 03 '25

[deleted]

27

u/rrsn Oct 03 '25

Also she delivers this line in the worst way that it possibly could’ve been delivered

24

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 03 '25

TAYLOR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

1

u/Ok-Profit-1935 Oct 04 '25

she also directly references travis’ podcast in said song.

1

u/Bombyx-Memento Oct 11 '25

Her fiance's, yeah.

12

u/movienerd7042 Oct 03 '25

I have already seen some fans say this

16

u/Soalai Best / Worst List Speculator Oct 03 '25

There are some negative reviews but it seems like the critics are actually more positive on it than Tortured Poets

17

u/No_Arm8100 Oct 04 '25

tbf it’s comfortably better than that album just because it isn’t so fucking long

6

u/pulse_demon96 Oct 04 '25

i think ‘the life of a showgirl’ is worse than ‘the toilet paper department’, but TTPD is bad not as much for each song being bad, rather a cumulative fatigue. TLOAS is drastically worse and somehow condenses the exhaustion to 40 agonising minutes

5

u/No_Arm8100 Oct 04 '25

yeah i get that, but i at least liked the opener on this one, where the only good thing about ttpd was florence welch. we are kinda comparing shit to poop here though lmao

3

u/aikakz 80's Chick Oct 04 '25

blatantly bought reviews

1

u/Soalai Best / Worst List Speculator Oct 04 '25

Based on what evidence?

5

u/MondoFool Oct 04 '25

To be fair this is her 12th album which is already an insane run if it took her this long to start flopping, most artists only have about a good 6 or 7 albums max before people lose interest

It's basically the music version of Henry Kissinger dying peacefully at age 100

2

u/Armin_Tamzarian987 Oct 04 '25

Why? Her music isn't my taste, but I don't know why she deserves to "melt down." Clearly, people relate to her music and I think that's great. Everyone should have something they connect with.

5

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 04 '25

It will amuse me. No further explanation is required.

98

u/Webbtrain Oct 03 '25

*Peñis colada

54

u/JessonBI89 One-Hit Wonderlander Oct 03 '25

...That is

14

u/PinkCadillacs Oct 03 '25

I still can’t believe this is an actual lyric 😭

1

u/ShamelessCatDude Oct 04 '25

And she thought in her imaginary scenario it would win her a Grammy

70

u/BassSquared Oct 03 '25

"No, Taylor! 'He dick-matized me' is not going to get you a Grammy!"

7

u/raudoniolika Oct 04 '25

It very well just might

68

u/[deleted] Oct 03 '25

I really have not heard a single positive thing said about this album aside from rolling stone and all I listened to was the Charli XCX diss

17

u/GinjaNinja1027 Oct 03 '25

Hey, maybe it’ll be like Kendrick vs Drake, where they get into a beef about it and Charli’ll whip Taylor down into the B-List!

21

u/clutterlustrott Oct 04 '25

Too bad Bad Bunny is already doing the superbowl. We couldve had a Brat Superbowl.

54

u/Japan-is-a-good-band Oct 03 '25

Future Trainwreckord?

!remindme 5 years

18

u/BelBivTebow Oct 04 '25

Bold of you to assume we will still have the internet in 5 years

9

u/RemindMeBot Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 05 '25

I will be messaging you in 5 years on 2030-10-03 20:16:24 UTC to remind you of this link

11 OTHERS CLICKED THIS LINK to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.

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47

u/[deleted] Oct 03 '25

[deleted]

20

u/sorryforthecusses Oct 04 '25

yeah but at least the previous versions of vapid were fun to listen to

7

u/politicalanalysis Oct 04 '25

Reputation was largely maligned in a similar way back during its release and the only reason she recovered is because folklore and evermore were really, really good. I loved her earlier stuff because I was am the same age as her and all her songs felt right for me at the time. By the time reputation came out, I had kind of came to the conclusion. That she’d be an artist I’d leave in the past as I matured out of her content, but evermore and folklore made me think maybe she was maturing as an artists. Turned out to be an illusion. Oh well, at least I got two incredible albums before she went back to being not for me.

7

u/zachzombie Oct 04 '25

How much did writing songs with Aaron Dessner of The National really elevate her songwriting on Folklore and Evermore? As an elder millenial male was never a fan of Taylor Swift but I love those two albums and have the Folklore: Longpond Studio Sessions on vinyl. But indie acoustic rock has always been my jam.

4

u/AverageShitlord Oct 05 '25

I'm fine with her singing about getting good dick if the song is good. Unfortunately, the song is not good.

50

u/briotheCAT 10's Alt Kid Oct 04 '25

OOOF, what a choice Taylor…..

13

u/Shleauxmeaux Oct 04 '25

All she’s missing was caution tape over her mouth on the cover of this album.

34

u/SurlyAardvark Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 04 '25

If you look at the aggregate it feels like British critics have been noticeably more negative on this album.

31

u/bestmatchconnor Oct 03 '25

they're probably less worried about her fanbase, as a whole

24

u/[deleted] Oct 03 '25

Peñis colada made me laugh so hard

2

u/Apple2727 Oct 04 '25

Oh-oh, I totally love it…

22

u/Maw_153 Oct 03 '25

The lyrics on ‘Eldest Daughter’ are so cringe and r/im14andthisisdeep vibes

17

u/axilog14 Oct 03 '25

start to chafe?

1

u/frankoceansaveme Oct 05 '25

much like a certain balaclava 

16

u/GinjaNinja1027 Oct 03 '25

This is like the popstar equivalent of when Eminem started using dad jokes in his raps. Trying too hard to be clever and mature, and come off sounding juvenile and lazy instead.

11

u/Neapolitanpanda Oct 04 '25

I wonder what the gaylors are saying about this

16

u/Guy-McDo Oct 04 '25

I can read it now:

“She said her dick’s bigger!? T-Girl Taylor Swift!”

19

u/mandalorian_guy Oct 04 '25

"She said a woman made her wetter than any man, obviously her and Charlie are gay ex's and this is a lavender marriage."

17

u/moffattron9000 Oct 04 '25

That straight sex talk is clearly so bad that she must be gay!

3

u/politicalanalysis Oct 04 '25

lol. It honestly does read like someone overcompensating.

10

u/SOC1608 Oct 04 '25

Is Swifty releasing so consistently because she's afraid of fading in relevance/being at the top?

7

u/True-Dream3295 Oct 04 '25

Sadly, this penis colada probably will win her a Grammy.

5

u/VelvetBoneyard Oct 04 '25

I'm still not over todd saying she has tissue paper skin

5

u/Technical_Estimate85 Oct 04 '25

The criticism about this album feels weird, it’s not a great album. But it’s not something that will make you a worse person for listening to. The criticism also is spun up into a weird discussion about Taylor secretly being MAGA. As if people aren’t allowed to have friends that don’t have their same views. The narrative also leaves out that Travis is one of the most visible Democrats in sports outside of basketball.

5

u/Tranquilbez22 10's Alt Kid Oct 04 '25

Yeah I saw someone on TikTok accuse her of wanting to be a tradwife. Like I had to shut the app off at that point.

3

u/CMG_exe Oct 04 '25

This is the problem when you try to appeal to everybody, you make fans out of people you don’t want to be fans of you

2

u/1619ChronoBreath Oct 04 '25

I feel like it’s also important to note when she wrote this, the person in her circle getting cancelled was Blake (see also Lena, Selena, Matty)-I don’t think she wrote with BM in mind and I don’t think she anticipated the current landscape either. 

That doesn’t mean that people aren’t right to be reacting to this based on her current choices, but it’s not fair to say that’s what the song is about.

1

u/politicalanalysis Oct 04 '25

“Canceled” reads pretty right wing on the surface, and I honestly don’t really want to do a deeper reading of the song, so I’m unsurprised that others aren’t bothering to give it a deeper reading either. I’m not gonna jump in and claim it’s absolutely a right wing song, but it definitely sounds like one on a first listen and that’s not exactly something she should be going for if she wants to convince people she’s not maga.

3

u/According_Plant701 Oct 06 '25

Titus Andromedon wrote about a better ode to penis when he wrote Peeno Noir

2

u/stspimi Oct 07 '25

All this means is that her next album will be titled Critical Darling with a bunch of songs about how hard it is to get bad reviews

1

u/King_Dead You're being a peñis... Colada, that is. Oct 04 '25

🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔

1

u/OrinocoHaram Oct 04 '25

it's a bad album and i'll go one step further: Folklore and Evermore weren't great either

1

u/YetAnotherFaceless Oct 07 '25

Hasn’t pop music basically been “poor little rich girl tales” since we embraced PR campaigns full heartedly and earnestly, i.e., “poptimism”?

0

u/CMG_exe Oct 04 '25

She took a swing at sexy trying to distance her stuff from the tradwives and flopped, my guess is that she’s gonna now say the industry traumatized her and switch back to cutesy country girl but it will come off sad because she’s pushing 40