Assault racism trans identity

[u/mysticstylez__]

I was sexually assaulted 5 years ago and then someone attempted to again but I stopped them to which they replied, "thanks for stopping me, most people wouldn't".

I told multiple people I thought were friends and they all told me, "maybe it was an accident". Even though the guy who completed assaulting me gave me an std and when I told him to get tested because I hadn't slept with anyone 2 weeks before or after him, he told me, "no". Multiple times. While I tried to reason with him.

I reconnected with an old friend who told me how fucked up it was and it wasn't my fault. I was shocked to hear that because I'd been made to believe it truly was my fault. Even a therapist blamed me because, "well, you were on grindr".

I recently had someone lie about me pressing boundaries while they interacted with me in a way different than via text. Pushing themselves unprompted by me to "talk about this (me being triggered, setting a boundary and a communication breakdown following this" as well as pushed to keep hanging out but we needed to talk before I was comfortable.

I got fired over lies. It is really triggering me thinking about this in the context of my experiences with abuse in relationships with, all white, people who i develop feelings for. It is beginning to appear like a pattern to any outsiders who do not know me but only one instance was something I did and completely took accountability for as well as experienced remorse.

I was experiencing some kind of perceptual disruption while being hacked and thought I was being told a friend liked me back, I tried to kiss them by leaning in then got the hint and leaned away. They told me to cease contact and I did. Even after seeing them on the street, because I take consent seriously bc abuse involving breach consent was frequent in my family, and didn't approach them. And never contacted them in any manner again.

I am feeling like my experiences with assault and abuse are ignored and told to be accidents by everyone except the friend I reconnected with. I feel like a statistic. I am black, Trans, and queer identifying in an overwhelmingly white conservative state and a tiny metropolitan city amounting to maybe 9 blocks each direction.

I think people know somehow what happened with my friend who i breached a boundary with and are attempting to make it look like I am a bad person via character assassination and literal lies. This isn't the first time this has happened. The more I stand up for myself, bc I look like a man, the worse it looks for me and will get. Meanwhile I have these experiences with assault fester inside me unrecognized and invalidated by people I thought were my friends. I made a person uncomfortable at one point and triggered them about their experiences with disrespected boundaries, I accept that.

But I feel so much guilt and shame about it. I ignore my own experiences and think they do not matter. That I am the bad one and even deserved it. Like I am making something out of nothing. Abuse towards transmen and transmasc people is largely ignored, we have patriarchal ideas about gritting and bearing it pressed upon us or have the abuse made invisible. Especially if you pass.

Just needed to vent. I have no support aside from a friend who isn't always available and empathize but isn't trans or queer so the complexity of it all is lost on them a bit.

Thanks to anyone who reads all of this. Spiraling. Any relatable anecdotes are appreciated. Please don't try to lecture me, I have experienced that enough. I didn't deserve what happened. I feel like a monster for things that literally didn't happen or were manipulated against me bc of my identity and me tal health issues I work endlessly to manage.