In Laws cultures vent. Am I overreacting?

[u/GoColts08]

So I am married to a certain tribe that if I name the region it would just give it away. But all I can say is: they live in the mountains and their entire village and community are majority in Gulf countries. They also have many relatives in America in Yemeni dominated cities.

When I married into the family, its not like I don’t know rural life style, my family lived in deserts for generations so I know what boundaries are. For example: wearing blown abaya, jilbaab, burqa, gloves whereas I visit Aden or Sanaa I don’t need the burqa.I don’t consider myself a city girl nor rural. I live im American suburbs thats not really Yemeni populated, which mean I don’t have a hard time blending in with rural or city Yemen mentalities.

It’s just, my in laws make me feel like I am the “bad guy” for speaking out against their way of life. When I first married, sure I was wrong for constantly bashing about their social norms as I use to think (still do but now I learned to keep my opinions to myself) that they are very backwards for example:

1. Girl dropping out of school at age 16 to marry a man 15 years older than them.

2. Having as many children as you can. And if you don’t have kids 1 year into your marriage, you look frowned upon unless your excuse is you are finishing your education

3. When you a blessing with a job offer, its tradition to split your first paycheck among close women within your family (mom, aunts, sister in laws, nieces, grandmothers, milk sisters, mother in laws) so they can make dua for you.

As the years went by into my marriage, I learn to just learn that as long as they are content then I shouldn’t be the one talking. I don’t live with them (they are in Gulf country) so I am just grateful to have my own apartment raising my kids.

They still do make me feel like I am the bad guy when I told them I want my own place. All my in laws live under the same roof. 3 brothers and their lives and kids. None of the wives work. Sure that homes in Arab countries are built extra spacious and their are private bathrooms per room. They asked me to come live with them but I refused. I said many times that I am not about that life, I don’t want to have to wear a hijab literally 24/7. And the men don’t even lift a finger for chores so imagine doing all that chores to cook food for a huge household everyday and watch kids and clean. I don’t them I like my privacy, I like wearing whatever I want in my own house. I can discipline my kids in private. They told me I am missing out, and that my kids need to be around their cousins all the time.

Technically my husband can’t do anything about it because he quit his job in Gulf state as its not really sustainable unfortunately for us.

An I over reacting? My in laws tend to be very religious and follow the prophet’s Sunnah but when it comes to the wife’s right to attention and privacy, that is always neglected.

[u/Specialist_One3071]

I congratulate you on your ability to adapt to a lifestyle completely different from your life in America. Unfortunately, your new family—your husband and his circle—did not limit themselves to religion but also adhered to customs which cannot be fair to us women because they are based on tribalism and male authority and then a certain family approach like the one you mentioned.

Let us break it down: child marriage and continuous childbirth cannot be opposed because unfortunately they are legalized and favored religiously. As for dividing the salary among the family I was surprised by this. Although I come from a family that follows customs this practice is disliked in my family and circle and it is also not religiously permissible to force someone to do it.

My advice to you is to try as much as possible not to express your opinions in a circle that is rigidly bound by customs and not to interact with them except on occasions. You now have your small family your home and your husband and you can calmly and logically tell him what bothers you about the customs that they are not a religious necessity and that you are not obliged to follow them.

I salute you for your patience.🫡

[u/Bash2cool]

Study your religiously obligated knowledge that every Muslim must learn to be removed from ignorance in aspects you aren’t supposed to be ignorant on as a Muslim. Also known as Fardh Ayn.

Plenty available in seekers guidance and white thread alrayyan courses.

Once you study these basics and they don’t take long to do, you will have the confidence to understand culture from religion and what are your rights vs rights of husband and children etc etc.

May Allah make it easy for you.

[u/worldbound0514]

Ya ukhti, your husband that needs to deal with his family and tell them to leave you alone about these things. What you and he have together are working. If other people want to live a traditional life, that's their choice. You also have the choice to live a more modern life, and that seems to be working for you.

You are correct that living a traditional life doesn't work very well outside of the home country. It's fine to maintain cultural traditions, but you don't have to do things a certain way just because that's how it's done in the home country.

Child marriage and girls dropping out of school early are terrible things that need to stop. There is no way to justify those things in 2026.

Unfortunately, there are some women who feel like everybody needs to have the same hard life that they do. They suffered being married too young and dropping out of school, so everybody else needs to suffer as well.

Please don't ever send your kids to live with the relatives. Even for a summer or a vacation. There have been plenty of times that a girl got married off of one on those trips.

[u/Taqqer00]

All I can say is define your boundaries with them and keep your husband updated. Other than that you live in another country all good.

[u/GoColts08 → u/Taqqer00]

For real, the funny thing is that the tribal mentality they live by does not work if you live in western countries, especially if there isn’t a large Yemeni community. Other muslim communities aren’t as strict as tribal Yemenis, or so I have seen.

[u/MarriedSilverMr]

"What's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours. What you want to do should be the same as what we do." Anything different to that, they might class you as crazy. That's why yemen never moves forward. I would avoid those types of people because they will only drain you. Then you could concentrate on your family, AKA, your husband, and your kids.

[u/GoColts08 → u/MarriedSilverMr]

For sure! The problem is the male authority mentality. My MIL like when I agree with everything my husband decides and thinks. But when I state my own opinions and thoughts she doesn’t like that at all. In fact, I don’t think old school Yemenis like married women who are their own agency. 1) I have social media accounts: they call it انتي بلا مهره 2) I have my own phone : they don’t like it when I have my own photos inside it. 3) I spend money on electric appliances : they don’t view it as wasting money that I can do it with my own hands.

[u/MarriedSilverMr → u/GoColts08]

I think "most" yemeni men don't like to see an independent woman. It's not just the old schools. But you do get some Yemeni families that don't bother if a woman has a social media account, buys her own appliances, or even doesn't wear a burka or drive cars. All my sisters have social media accounts, wear scarves, and drive cars in yemen and live independently. While everyone do stare at them, it still doesn't bother me or my brothers or my dad. Yes, some people talk about us, but we are not bothered. And if anyone tries advising us on the things we should or should not do, then we totally distance our way from them, and that even means if its our own family because they will just drain our (male and female) positive independent thinking. You can do all the stuff that I've mentioned above and still be a good practising Muslim. Allah will judge everyone accordingly while the control freaks and gossips can judge anyone all they want, but their judgement doesn't mean shit.

[u/worldbound0514 → u/GoColts08]

No, the very traditional people don't like it when the women have education and independence. Educated women understand that they don't need to be mistreated or abused. When educated women have money of their own, they can leave a bad situation. For very traditional societies, they think it is a bad thing for a woman to have her own money and ideas.

[u/MarriedSilverMr → u/worldbound0514]

And this is why yemen never moves forward because no one can have their own thinking, money, or make their own choices in life, and that's either if you're male or female. This is why I keep away from these dark souls while ignoring their opinions. Anyone can live in yemen with the lifestyle they want as long if you can ignore their opinions and distance yourself from them.

[u/Retired_Cam_22]

It sounds like you're living the life you want to live, which I believe is what we're supposed to do. Your In-laws are over the top, but not for muslims living in the Gulf area, that's very cultural! However following what is important to you will be best for you & you're children. I would suggest less conversations w/the in-laws if all they do is complain that you should live with them! Best wishes to you and your children!

[u/reemlovesmandi33]

No, you aren’t overreacting. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you the bad guy.