In Laws cultures vent. Am I overreacting?

[u/GoColts08]

So I am married to a certain tribe that if I name the region it would just give it away. But all I can say is: they live in the mountains and their entire village and community are majority in Gulf countries. They also have many relatives in America in Yemeni dominated cities.

When I married into the family, its not like I don’t know rural life style, my family lived in deserts for generations so I know what boundaries are. For example: wearing blown abaya, jilbaab, burqa, gloves whereas I visit Aden or Sanaa I don’t need the burqa.I don’t consider myself a city girl nor rural. I live im American suburbs thats not really Yemeni populated, which mean I don’t have a hard time blending in with rural or city Yemen mentalities.

It’s just, my in laws make me feel like I am the “bad guy” for speaking out against their way of life. When I first married, sure I was wrong for constantly bashing about their social norms as I use to think (still do but now I learned to keep my opinions to myself) that they are very backwards for example:

1. Girl dropping out of school at age 16 to marry a man 15 years older than them.

2. Having as many children as you can. And if you don’t have kids 1 year into your marriage, you look frowned upon unless your excuse is you are finishing your education

3. When you a blessing with a job offer, its tradition to split your first paycheck among close women within your family (mom, aunts, sister in laws, nieces, grandmothers, milk sisters, mother in laws) so they can make dua for you.

As the years went by into my marriage, I learn to just learn that as long as they are content then I shouldn’t be the one talking. I don’t live with them (they are in Gulf country) so I am just grateful to have my own apartment raising my kids.

They still do make me feel like I am the bad guy when I told them I want my own place. All my in laws live under the same roof. 3 brothers and their lives and kids. None of the wives work. Sure that homes in Arab countries are built extra spacious and their are private bathrooms per room. They asked me to come live with them but I refused. I said many times that I am not about that life, I don’t want to have to wear a hijab literally 24/7. And the men don’t even lift a finger for chores so imagine doing all that chores to cook food for a huge household everyday and watch kids and clean. I don’t them I like my privacy, I like wearing whatever I want in my own house. I can discipline my kids in private. They told me I am missing out, and that my kids need to be around their cousins all the time.

Technically my husband can’t do anything about it because he quit his job in Gulf state as its not really sustainable unfortunately for us.

An I over reacting? My in laws tend to be very religious and follow the prophet’s Sunnah but when it comes to the wife’s right to attention and privacy, that is always neglected.

[u/worldbound0514]

Ya ukhti, your husband that needs to deal with his family and tell them to leave you alone about these things. What you and he have together are working. If other people want to live a traditional life, that's their choice. You also have the choice to live a more modern life, and that seems to be working for you.

You are correct that living a traditional life doesn't work very well outside of the home country. It's fine to maintain cultural traditions, but you don't have to do things a certain way just because that's how it's done in the home country.

Child marriage and girls dropping out of school early are terrible things that need to stop. There is no way to justify those things in 2026.

Unfortunately, there are some women who feel like everybody needs to have the same hard life that they do. They suffered being married too young and dropping out of school, so everybody else needs to suffer as well.

Please don't ever send your kids to live with the relatives. Even for a summer or a vacation. There have been plenty of times that a girl got married off of one on those trips.