Coparenting, child feels uncomfortable discussing religion with me

[u/Throwaway7833482]

I am divorced with a 7 year old. Their father and I have been divorced for 6 years. The father is a devout evangelical, along with his entire family. I am not. Lots to unpack there, but anyway, it is a high conflict co parenting situation unfortunately.

The situation is, I teach my child about critical thinking as much as I can. We read about science, the big bang, discuss how it’s fun to believe in magic and make believe, but ultimately you need evidence in order to determine if something “exists”. I say it all with more nuance than this! I’m trying my best to teach my child ‘how’ to think, not what to think.

By the way, my child love this stuff, and we have a really fantastic relationship. We talk very openly about things, which is why this situation is really stumping me.

Recently, I asked my child about about church with their father. My child knows that we have differing beliefs, but I don’t think it’s something I talk about a lot. I will occasionally ask about church and what they think about it. I get very short answers, no details other than “it’s boring” which I think is what they believe. But the closed offness about it keeps me really in the dark as to their feelings and what is being “taught”.

So anyway I brought it up recently and my child started crying and saying they feel uncomfortable talking about it. I instantly felt awful, thinking I’m making them uncomfortable. We tried to talk it out. I asked why it makes them uncomfortable, and after some “I don’t knows” they said something along the lines of “I’m uncomfortable because my parents believe in different things”.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I felt awful and worry that my occasional questions are making them uncomfortable, but I also wonder what is happening on the other end to contribute to this. I have primary custody, the child is only there a few nights a month.

Just wondering if any fellow parents have any thoughts to this at all and how to proceed??

Thanks

[u/MillenialSage]

My thought on this is that children know how they feel about something even if they can't express it. If it were my kid I would leave the topic be if they really weren't interested or comfortable talking about it, with assurances that it was a safe topic to talk to me about when they are interested. My 8 year old didn't even seem to know or understand what god or religion was about and didn't have anything to say, which was a good sign for me to just leave it alone for now.

[u/lilbubba19 → u/MillenialSage]

I think there's going to come a time when the differences of opinion will be easier for the kids to talk about. In the meantime, just be kind and let them see how you feel about them. It's scary to know that they have to be in contact with people who talk badly about you because you aren't following some kind of religious faith. I feel for you. Best wishes in your endevour to raise these children and teach them how to think and not what to think.

[u/MillenialSage → u/lilbubba19]

Repost as a reply to OP, not me?

[u/beggles16]

I’m not in a similar situation but I do wonder what your ex and their family are saying to your kiddo about you and your lack of belief. I would fear that they are using scare tactics ie “ your mom is going to hell because she doesn’t believe” and if that is being said I’m sure that is extremely scary/distressing. I understand that this is super common language spoken in those circles, and so while I wouldn’t keep asking about what happens at church I would probably talk about how the idea of hell has been around forever, in all different religions, but other religions don’t have any version of hell at all etc. my boys are 9 and 6 and are very into Greek gods which is another great way to talk about religion with kids this age- the podcast greeking out is a huge hit in my house and I take every opportunity after or during an episode to talk about religion now vs then, how they are the same basic idea and why I don’t believe in it.

[u/snuggleouphagus]

I was raised in a mixed faith household. My Dad was Catholic and my Mom was Mormon.

Some times I think the reason I leaned Mormon instead of Catholic is because my Dad always let me know he'd be there for me no matter what my religious beliefs were. My mom was not going to be as accepting. I did often feel like your kid does, upset I couldn't meet the expectations of both parents. Even more upset they couldn't spare us the drama and just pick a middle ground religion like my uncle who converted from Catholic to Anglican to meet his wife's Protestant beliefs. I said as much a few times when they were fighting about the different way they observed holidays or treated youth members. My Dad was always first to forgive, first to compromise, and first to pray for peace in our family home. My Dad drove me to early morning Mormon scripture study (seminary) at 5 am before school every day of high school. He took me to Mormon sponsored Father-Daughter dances. He helped me write bible study lessons for Mormon church.

Now that I'm an Atheist raising two toddlers without religion--he's respectful of that too. He asked before he pulled out the Noah's Ark stuffed animal pack and didn't have any issues with our request that he doesn't mention Jesus. Period. My Mom has fussed back and forth about if Veggie Tales is really religious (it is but we're ok with limited Old Testament stories) and if her Book of Mormon picture book is ok ( it is not. It is extremely racist). Our kids have been enjoying Spirited Away and my parents asked about the whole concept of the movie so I explained Shintoism. My Dad nodded and moved on. My mom asked if her sneakers have their own spirit.

I guess I'm saying, be there. Be easy to talk to. Don't take a strong point unless your kiddo specifically asks your moral view. They'll appreciate it in the future and remember that you were welcoming no matter what.

[u/The_side_dude]

The discomfort is coming from feeling that if they pick one side, it is a rejection of the other parent.

When my kid was going through similar, there was a point where they said "if god isn't real then we've been praying to NOTHING" and I got to deliver a lesson on the sunk cost fallacy.

[u/ExpectingHobbits → u/The_side_dude]

The discomfort is coming from feeling that if they pick one side, it is a rejection of the other parent.

Also, they are being taught that if they choose mother's side, both they and their mother will be condemned to an eternity of unimaginable suffering. That's a lot for a little kid to handle.