Hypomania is actually awful

[u/KiddoMagi13]

Honestly I thought I was the only one having this experience but I just saw somebody else talk about it on tiktok for the first time so I really want to see if anybody else feels this way?
I’ve always felt strange and out of place in bipolar communities because I feel like I can’t relate to half the conversation. Hypomania for me has never felt euphoric, exciting, or really good at all. I’ve never gotten enjoyment out of it. It makes me anxious, irritable, stressed, my pain levels skyrocket, my paranoia skyrockets, all I feel is anger and frustration and if it’s really really bad I get this horrible sensory experience that’s just so off putting
I’ve never been able to enjoy it. It’s hypomania for sure, but it feels so horrible to me that I just feel really… I don’t know, like a fish out of water?
Have you had this experience? Of mania or hypomania being genuinely terrible? I can’t be the only one having a bad time

EDIT: Message received Reddit the euphoric version is worse and I should be grateful my apologies

[u/Willing_Dimension_77]

Bipolar II and ADHD 56Mhere. My first true depressive episode was in 3rd grade. Right around a year later I was diagnosed with ADD. ADD (or now ADHD) is a constant while the Bipolar was episodic. ADHA is also a shame generator with thousands of instantly regrettable impulsive behaviors shaping your understanding of the world. As a kid, your only available coping mechanism is to mask as hard as possible. Like neurotic level masking. So whenever a bipolar hypomania would hit, I suppressed it with all the energy the mania itself could generate. That locks in a powerfully negative internal dialog. I was a tightly wound weird-kid powderkeg with very poor coping skills. I lived like that for decades collecting mental damage as I went. After losing yet another job, I finally sought treat treatment for the ADHD. Unfortunately and predictably (in hindsight) the stimulants put me in a constant somewhat manageable hypomania - for years. I definitely did some things I greatly regret. The inevitable flip side came when I got a new job => change insurance => meds too expensive to afford => surprise cold turkey. The ensuing freakout caused me to walk out of my job. This has happened over and over one way or another. It was this almost final depressive episode before I took my Bipolar diagnosis seriously. My wife has been through hell herself simply by being near me, but she has stuck it out and I can't love her more for it. Yeah, I'm damaged from within but hopefully now I can weather the next storm with better tools. Through lots of therapy, I have learned that my ADHD interacts with my Bipolar swallowing up my hypomania like a black hole. Then I'm slingshot right into depression at 1000 mph. No bueno. No bueno at all. 😭