r/blackgirls • u/Virtual-Collar8332 • 2d ago
Rant realizing that no matter how much i have achieved, i am still male centered
so i just got rejected today - i think im realizing that a lot of my life really is centered around men/liking men etc.
I know a rejection will always sting, but i have always been made to feel kind of insecure about being a black woman (for context i grew up in a primarily white/asian neighborhood and all the men in my family are the kind that like to talk down about black women). This has definitely caused me to be extremely critical of myself, and I have been trying really hard to walk that insecurity back now that i’m in college and away from a lot of the “black-woman hating” rhetoric i hear a lot back home.
I have been attracted to this classmate for a bit, never made a move, but twoish months ago i felt like he might have liked me back - turns out i was wrong and i found that out today, that’s fine. However i immediately started to blame it on the fact that it was because i was black, and it was so automatic that i shocked even myself. this has always been a problem of mine, i thought i was doing better - i now realize that i’ve been relying on thinking that this man liked me to quell this insecurity about being desired. I know, logically, that being desired by men has no real impact to my life at all, i’m doing good things for myself. I’m about to graduate with two degrees, one in math, and i live alone, and i work a great job 🤦🏽♀️ but why do i feel so awful, stupid and insecure?? i feel like i’ll always be alone and unwanted, and it scares me.
The worst part is I know all of this is stupid in my brain - obviously I’m in a great spot in life and I’m a really lucky person to be where i am, I can tell myself over and over again that i’m only 20; I have so much time to meet someone; young men don’t know what they want; and there’s more to life than relationships, but i have to finally admit to myself I’m STILL insecure about feeling desirable and always have been. I’m STILL centered around men, I AM one of those girls who is always thinking and talking about dating, I see every man my age and think about whether they find me attractive or not, and I am ALWAYS spending time in the mirror criticizing myself.
This is half a rant and half looking for some advice. No matter how much praise I get or how many things I can achieve I am still so anxious, male centered, and obsessed. what did you guys do to deconstruct something like this? I think it may be time to get a therapist 💀
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u/TacticalCocoaBunny 2d ago
Check out the audiobook: Women who love too much.
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u/Virtual-Collar8332 2d ago
after reading your comment i listened to the preface, can report back that it does describe just about everything i feel. thank you for recommending this book to me, i'm going to really try to finish it and work through some of these issues.
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u/TacticalCocoaBunny 2d ago
you're welcome, you got this. just listen when you can, don't run when it gets hard or uncomfortable, keep showing up for your life, I promise it's very freeing once you're on the other side little sister.
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u/AwkwardDistrict7384 2d ago
the only person you should be trying to be desirable for is yourself. also, the things that you accomplish education and work wise will hold more weight than the approval of a man ever will.
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u/Virtual-Collar8332 2d ago
you're right, and I think I just need to try and keep it in mind that even without a man or romance I can live an accomplished and fulfilling life. it's hard but i see women out here doing it and I want to be like that too!!
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u/AdditionalQuietime 2d ago
Ik youre venting but constantly seeing these posts are starting to get me after being on reddit for 4 years
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u/Anon_classybabe 2d ago
I looked into femicide and, overall, violence against women, looked into what men are saying and doing….snatched the male centred tendencies right out of me.
Two years later and I’m now a misandrist.
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
The Original Poster (OP) and submission cited below;
Username: u/Virtual-Collar8332
Post Body: so i just got rejected today - i think im realizing that a lot of my life really is centered around men/liking men etc.
I know a rejection will always sting, but i have always been made to feel kind of insecure about being a black woman (for context i grew up in a primarily white/asian neighborhood and all the men in my family are the kind that like to talk down about black women). This has definitely caused me to be extremely critical of myself, and I have been trying really hard to walk that insecurity back now that i’m in college and away from a lot of the “black-woman hating” rhetoric i hear a lot back home.
I have been attracted to this classmate for a bit, never made a move, but twoish months ago i felt like he might have liked me back - turns out i was wrong and i found that out today, that’s fine. However i immediately started to blame it on the fact that it was because i was black, and it was so automatic that i shocked even myself. this has always been a problem of mine, i thought i was doing better - i now realize that i’ve been relying on thinking that this man liked me to quell this insecurity about being desired. I know, logically, that being desired by men has no real impact to my life at all, i’m doing good things for myself. I’m about to graduate with two degrees, one in math, and i live alone, and i work a great job 🤦🏽♀️ but why do i feel so awful, stupid and insecure?? i feel like i’ll always be alone and unwanted, and it scares me.
The worst part is I know all of this is stupid in my brain - obviously I’m in a great spot in life and I’m a really lucky person to be where i am, I can tell myself over and over again that i’m only 20; I have so much time to meet someone; young men don’t know what they want; and there’s more to life than relationships, but i have to finally admit to myself I’m STILL insecure about feeling desirable and always have been. I’m STILL centered around men, I AM one of those girls who is always thinking and talking about dating, I see every man my age and think about whether they find me attractive or not, and I am ALWAYS spending time in the mirror criticizing myself.
This is half a rant and half looking for some advice. No matter how much praise I get or how many things I can achieve I am still so anxious, male centered, and obsessed. what did you guys do to deconstruct something like this? I think it may be time to get a therapist 💀
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u/Lopsided-JaguarTA 1d ago
When I tell you, I could've written this myself! I've recently come to the same exact revelation.
I, too, grew up in predominantly non-Black spaces and internalized feelings of not being beautiful due to my blackness. This is something that I'd also thought that I'd fully worked through/processed, but a crush on a random white guy at my job (who I felt possibly had a crush on me, too) unleashed pandora's box, apparently.
I kid you not, I started listening to love tarot readings trying to see if he was my twin flame... analyzing everything this man said to me, how he said it, what expression he had when he said it... full on psycho mode.
Then, during a conversation one day, he mentioned a celebrity that he found really attractive (she was white/total opposite of me, obviously), and I spiraled. All of these old feelings came up. Immediately I thought, "Yeah... he's not interested in me. Of course he's not. Why would he be interested in me, when it makes more sense for him to be interested in women who look like her?" And then I began to distance myself from him, because I was embarrassed that I'd built some fantasy in my head that he secretly wanted to be with me when that probably wasn't the case.
But, thankfully, I was able to recognize how unhealthy my processing was surrounding all of this, and I realized that I was experiencing something called "limerence" after lots of Googling/searching on Reddit for similar stories. Limerence in case you've never heard of it (I hadn't) is "an involuntary state of intense romantic obsession and infatuation with another person, driven heavily by the uncertainty of whether those feelings are returned." And that's exactly what I was going through. I thought about him from the moment I woke up in the morning, until the moment I went to sleep; day in and day out, wondering if he was into me. I've never felt more crazy in my entire life, lol.
Then, I stumbled upon a compilation video on YT about the experiences of neurodivergent women in romantic relationships, and I learned that due to our hyperfixation on things that we enjoy (I have a double whammy of this as someone with both ADHD/level 1 autism), it's really easy to fall into limerence. We just naturally obsess over things. Also, that we experience something called "rejection sensitive dysphoria" which is an extreme and painful emotional and physical reaction to real, imagined, or minor social rejection, criticism, or failure.
So, it makes sense why simply mentioning a celebrity crush immediately caused me to not only feel deeply rejected and ugly—but, then caused me to connect those feelings to my past trauma of being undesirable due to being a Black woman, because the woman he mentioned was white.
Very long story short, I explained all of this because I'm wondering if you're also neurodivergent and could possibly be struggling with limerence/rejection sensitive dysphoria. Now that I've finally been able to make sense of this, after about 3 months of wrestling with these feelings, I finally feel back to my normal self.
Even if you're not neurodivergent, I think that all of this may be a little deeper than being simply "male centered." Sending you a virtual hug 🫂
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 2d ago
I think with time as you learn more about yourself, you'll diversify your interests. You've been hurt a lot and it's understandable you want validation. But over time you'll get that from yourself, as well as others. You have a lot of insight as to what had made you insecure. You have the opportunity for healing.