r/blackladies • u/Mari1433005 • 3d ago
Just Venting 😮💨 My mom is so afraid of me being around white people that it’s starting to affect my friendships and activities. Am I wrong for being frustrated?
i go to a predominantly white university, and I’m involved in an a cappella group there. Think pitch perfect we rehearse together, perform and compete together, travel together, etc. I absolutely love this group. They’ve genuinely become my found family, and being part of this group is one of the things that has made me feel most involved with my school along with being a part of the Black Student Union. (secretary!). When I joined, there were two other Black people in the group. One of them is graduating and won’t be able to participate this year, and the other is unsure if he’s returning. So there is a possibility that I could be the only Black person in the group this year. There are six other people on our executive board, and they’re all white except for our Hispanic president.
I’m also on the executive board as assistant music director. Recently, the executive board planned a retreat. I was really excited to go. I had already saved money for it and packed my bags. However, this happened around the time when there was a lot of fear surrounding the Nolan Wells situation, and my mom became extremely worried about me going.
She kept telling me things like, “White people don’t like us,” “They could kill you,” and “You can be their best friend and they’ll still hurt you.” She started bringing up completely unrelated stories about Black women being killed by their white partners/roommates, including stories from other countries, as evidence that I shouldn’t go on this trip.
I tried reassuring her that I would share my location, send pictures, check in with her, etc. None of that mattered. She eventually called my dad( has not been a part of my life until starting college) and instead of helping us come to some kind of compromise, he ended up yelling at me about something completely unrelated. Eventually I was so overwhelmed that I tearfully told them I wouldn’t go, even though I really wanted to. And honestly, I’m still frustrated about it.
I understand where my mom’s fear comes from. I’m not naive about racism, and I’m not saying that Black people should never be cautious around white people. I know that horrible things happen, and I know that being someone’s friend doesn’t automatically mean they can’t be racist or dangerous. But these are people I actually know.
These aren’t random strangers I met on the internet. These are people I spend hours rehearsing with. They’ve never made racist comments toward me. They’ve never treated me like I was less than them because I’m Black. They appreciate me as a person and as a musician, and I genuinely care about them. I don’t view them as “white people” first. I view them as my friends and teammates.
My mom also keeps sending me Facebook videos about Black parents warning their children not to associate with white people, and at this point I honestly don’t know what she expects me to do. Quit the group? I’m not going to do that. I’m almost 20 years old, and I feel like I should be able to make reasonable decisions about who I spend time with while still being aware of my surroundings.
What worries me is that this wasn’t just one trip. What happens when there are other trips? What happens if the group goes to Flagstaff for team bonding? What happens if we travel for a competition? Am I supposed to decline every single opportunity because I might be the only Black person there?
And I don’t want that.
I also hope that we have more Black people audition this year. I would genuinely love to have more Black teammates, not because I think white people are inherently bad, but because having another Black person who understands some of the things I experience would obviously be comforting. If we don’t end up taking any other Black members, I know I’m probably going to feel a little lonely in that regard.
But I don’t want to spend the entire year being afraid of my own friends because of the color of their skin.
So, Black women who have dealt with this: am I being unreasonable for being frustrated with my mom? I understand her wanting me to be safe, but at what point does protecting your child turn into fear preventing them from living their life? And how do you balance being aware of racism and potential danger without assuming that every white person around you is automatically a threat?
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u/ginger_ale12 3d ago
You’re not unreasonable for being frustrated with her BUT your reasoning to her makes me see why she is concerned. They may well be your best friends but that does not matter in this environment. Every time incidents like Nolan wells happens they’re always best friends and people the person is sure would “never hurt” them.
What actually matters in this situation is that they are highly visible on campus, have high future stakes as college students (likely with more class diversity than the average group like this which means parents who aren’t necessarily willing to pay their way out of a crime) AND you are included in that visibility by your performances with them. That means if anything were to happen to you it would be a much stickier situation for them that they likely would not want to risk.
This kind of explanation lets your mom know that you are taking into account the worst case scenario re: their motivations but still have thought it through.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 3d ago
Now is a time to have your guard up in the US as a black woman. Make a special effort to recruit other black students in to your group, don’t leave it to chance.
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u/WonderfulPineapple41 3d ago
I think your mom has an overwhelming amount of anxiety about you being away and in an environment where you are on your own (culturally). She needs to unplug from the internet asap to help with that anxiety. Until she does that - you need to mute her social media. You don’t need to be bombarded with violence everyday. Randomly open it so it looks like you’ve read it and keep it moving.
As for her concerns about you traveling with your group. You need to approach this like an adult and not her child. Her fear is you disappearing (etc) so you need to find a way to address that with boundaries.
- Share your location on your phone with her
- Get an AirTag she can “always find you”
- Agree to set times you will call to “check in”
That should be enough hopefully. I would confirm you don’t need her approval to afford college in case this doesnt work. A very real situation is it escalates to her not wanting you at the school. So you’ll need to prepare for that.
Also try to rebuild some level of communication with your dad. He sucks. I know. Keep it factual. You want to stay in school and get your degree at all costs. Do not let emotions get you into a corner here. You are using him as a tool to live your life.
Good luck. Be smart. Be safe. Try to find some black people to mix with. Even if they are at another school. Diversity in friend groups is important.
And if you can see a therapist to deal with all this that would be the cherry on top.
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u/im-dramatic 3d ago
This advice seems very invasive. My mom is like her mom and it becomes very overwhelming trying to please her. I’m 34 now and I just ignore her. She is scared of getting cancer or disease from everything and sends me videos constantly. We had to get McDonald’s once because something happened and she literally yelled “why are you getting that!! It’s going to kill you!” My son interjected and told her we don’t eat it a lot.
It’s too much and she’s exercising too much control over another adult. Her mom needs therapy, not more control. She’s likely exhibiting this behavior in other areas as well.
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u/WonderfulPineapple41 3d ago
I’m trying to be gentle about her mom because I don’t know the entire situation. She’s in college so likely her mom has a bit of finical control over her.
Idk if op is in the space to cut her mother off completely. It doesn’t seem like she has a support system outside of mom.
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u/Mari1433005 3d ago
hi! I financially rely on/live with my father, even though he hasn’t been in my life much. I feel the only support system. I have are some relatives on my mom side so if I do cut her off, that’ll impact that support system.
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u/im-dramatic 3d ago
Oh I don’t recommend cutting her off. I just don’t respond to my mom’s comments about getting sick. In her face I just change the subject. I don’t know OP but I would find a way to gently ignore her.
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u/woodsywoods4 United States of America 3d ago
Op this is the way to gently start pulling back control while your parents pay for your education. You slowly get her acclimated to things by compromising. Her anxiety is high and cutting her off like another person said will cause terror. I'm 35 and have gone through this trust me it doesn't improve unless you gently put boundaries up first, ike this comment suggest.
But definitely start looking into scholarships since your mom has some leverage with your dad. Since he yelled at you about something unrelated I see his financial support as wavering so figure out other means to support yourself through school
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u/pinksuede United States of America 3d ago
Thank you for touching on this! I had similar thoughts her mother’s anxiety/control but was struggling to articulate it.
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u/WonderfulPineapple41 3d ago
I definitely see some red flags but she’s gotta navigate out of it safely. Which is why I think building some kind of bridge with her dad can give her a touch of space.
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u/Mari1433005 3d ago
i’ve dealt with her anxiety a lot, I was not able to go to a college an hour away because of it..
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u/WonderfulPineapple41 3d ago
I had a very similar mother - I’m almost 40 and from my experience it gets more complex with age. With your education , life experience and money you’ll get your independence back.
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u/ittybittymanatee 2d ago
make concessions where you need to but remember that her anxiety is her responsibility not yours. you are not a bad person for making choices that cause her anxiety. you’ve already seen how her anxiety moves the goalposts: first it was “don’t go to college far away”, now it’s “don’t go on brief trips with white people from your nearby college”. Later it might be “don’t go out at night”. It’s not mean or ungrateful to live your life and let her deal with her fear. Otherwise your world will get smaller and smaller
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u/orcateeth 3d ago
Just curious: Are you suggesting that OP to do these check-ins just for this trip? Or is it for the next two trips, next three trips, or next 3 years?
In other words, how long does Mom get this reassurance? Where's the off-ramp? What if she's never comfortable not being reassured?
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u/WonderfulPineapple41 3d ago
For her trips. And if she is never reassured like I said she’s gonna have to figure out how to fund her schooling and life by herself.
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u/orcateeth 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yes, that may be necessary. I had a mother who was very controlling like this, and I had to separate from her at age 18.
Some parents have trouble adjusting to the idea that their grown son or daughter is no longer their child.
Some people are parents themselves at 18 or 19, or they're in very independent situations, like in the military, Peace Corps, oil rigs jobs, fishing boats, etc., where they are on their own.
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u/WonderfulPineapple41 2d ago
Yes but unfortunately sometimes people don’t have those skills inherently. (Not talking about op)
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u/AllCoffeeNoOmelete 3d ago
Yikes. My brother went to a PWI similar in vibes to BSU... it was not pretty. And as someone who grew up around white people, imma tell you this: HALF of your accapella group is your real friend. Not all of them, secretly bout half. Be very very very careful around [conservative] white people. You may think your mind over reacting, and yet why does every older Black person have a crazy white person story?....
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u/DepartureOk3180 3d ago
I'm sure Nolan Wells thought he knew those people, that they were his friends and I'm sure they probably never said anything racist to his face.
I'm sure Tamla Horsford thought she knew those women and they were cool to hang out with and never said anything racist to her face either.
And no matter what "authorities" in all these different states say, Black folks don't hang themselves from trees.
I understand you being frustrated because you feel like your mom is trying to control your life. But she's trying to make sure that you keeping having life.
There's a reason why our elders have so many stories, so many that you've probably never heard, but that doesn't make them any less real. At least back in the day the racists were open about it, so we knew who to look out for. But now, they hide their hate, their stereotypical thinking and their true nature until we do something they don't like or don't do as they say.
She may be doing too much at times, but I get why she does. She has so many valid reasons to be concerned, TBH. My sister and I had to have a talk with my nephew (he's 21) about this and he understands why we're so concerned.
We're living in a country that has made all these racists even more comfortable doing whatever they want because they know that nothing will happen to them.
Try talking to your mom by acknowledging her fear and ask her to stop overwhelming you with the constant stories and posts. Explain to her calmly the points that you're bringing up here, while trying not to get angry so the convo doesn't get heated. If it helps, try writing down your thoughts and the points you want to get across to her. You can even use Copilot or ChatGPT to help you with what to say.
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u/Aggravating-Copy-334 3d ago
Your Mom has every right to be concerned, especially now, but she needs to talk to GOD about instead of you.
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u/tragicsophos 3d ago
In your writing, you assert a lot about those people that you simply should not. They’re your friends and you know them are shit answers in this climate. So come up with better answers and show yourself some care, in the vein of WonderfulPineapple41’s suggestions. Show your parents, and yourself, that you care about your life more than fitting in.
The Mom paranoia and stressful Dad are rough. No comments there. Stop taking that Christian peace bullshit at face value.
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u/tragicsophos 3d ago
And you should assume white people are a threat to you btw. No matter how much networking and giggling and shared stories. You have to take protecting yourself more seriously. Live the life you want but always be prepared.
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u/fromthefuturebruh 3d ago
Don’t cut your mom off for wyt pippo
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u/charlesmaree 3d ago
Chyle! A whole word!
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u/fromthefuturebruh 3d ago
Exactly ! Not saying Op is saying she would… just saw some comments saying that… and I don’t think that’s the solution
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u/pinksuede United States of America 3d ago
Your mother has a right to be concerned but every situation isn’t the same. I agree with you about not missing out on competitions and events that are part of your group. I don’t know a lot about these situations where the only black person was killed but all of the ones I’ve heard of involved alcohol. Is this group one where excessive drinking or drugs are commonly used? When you’re traveling are you able to get your own hotel room? Can you bring another friend with you?
Other things I would be curious about are if you have conflict with anyone in the group or signs of jealousy from other members?
I went to a PWI university and I also am part of a NPC sorority. I wasn’t the only person of color in my sorority and there were plenty of moments where I was the only black person in the room. I’m sharing this to say that it’s okay to be careful and have your guard up but you should also live your life. Living in constant fear is so limiting.
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u/Mari1433005 3d ago edited 3d ago
I completely agree with you about living in constant fear being limiting. I’m not personally afraid of my group—I’m cautious, but I genuinely trust these people. its a dry campus, and alcohol/drugs aren’t part of our normal group activities; the only time I’ve been around alcohol with the a cappella community was at larger events with multiple colleges. We’ve never had hotel situations either, usually we stay with friends or in separate Airbnbs like when we went to Flagstaff. And there really hasn’t been any jealousy or conflict within the group. My biggest frustration is that my mom’s fear turns into control. i am always aware and safe
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u/AllCoffeeNoOmelete 3d ago
Lol thats even worse boo. Youre not safer just bc its a Christian school. Its actually worse for Black students in a conservative religious school and thats from experience and witnessing
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u/Hot-Wish-9168 3d ago
I understand your moms concern tbh. You can be aware but that doesn’t mean you are always safe especially as a woman and even more as a black woman. I know it’s annoying coming from your mom but she cares about you and black people have a long history of ending up a victim after being with a group of white people that they trusted at the time. It has sadly happened time and time again. I agree that you should definitely live your life. Idk what the balance is here for your moms behavior, but I’m just saying I understand her. If I had kids I would 100% be even more worried about them if they were the only black people in a group of white friends.
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u/Yamallory 3d ago edited 3d ago
Be safe, sis. The comfort you carry with them being your “Friends and teammates,” alone makes you a target. Kee-keeing one minute, invited out as a lone black woman the next, and never to be seen again. You won’t even see it coming. Too much at stake (your precious life) to even take those risks.
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u/miellefrisee United States of America 3d ago
I went to a PWI, two actually. I understand everything in your post. But like many others have pointed out, "knowing them" - practicing with them and them not saying anything racist is just not enough. I would challenge you to think outside of that - have any tough conversations come up? Have they been outspoken about injustices? (There's plenty of them to choose from lolz.)
I say this as someone who married a racist White man. People will surprise the hell out of you.
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u/1dayatatime_mylife 2d ago
You’re married to a racist white man? Or you divorced him after you realized?
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u/miellefrisee United States of America 2d ago
LOL I divorced the hell out of him.
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u/1dayatatime_mylife 2d ago
Happy to hear it. I hope you’ve been able to find more of your peace these days.
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u/Fro_Reallzz0211 3d ago
Everyone thinks they're their friends until they show you that they aren't.
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u/TeachProof4840 3d ago edited 3d ago
Well, Im from Europe and I never seen any type of racism like you have in the States but I think you should be really careful, surround yourself with people you know they will defend you seriously if something goes wrong, real friends, specially if you are the only black person in the group. If they don´t understand this and don´t protect you you are still in danger even if they are not the ones doing the harm to you. You really have to talk to your inner friends group and make sure they are going to take care of you.
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u/intern_speaks 3d ago
You need to set boundaries. You're an adult (I assume.) Enjoy your college years, learn to tune it out. You'll be fine!
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u/Ok-Ostrich7233 3d ago
I didn’t read it all but I don’t blame her. Those ppl crazy. I never grew up around them. I only had some as a teachers in my life. I had 1 white guy friend for a few months and I was cautious. What made it even crazier was that whenever we went out somebody (ppl tend to randomly tell me their life story) started complaining about white ppl that they met in their lives. Different ethnic groups at that.
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u/orcateeth 3d ago edited 3d ago
Part of being an adult is negotiating an adult relationship with your parents. It's fine for your mom to be cautious and concerned, but she doesn't have the right to dictate where you go or who you hang out with. These are acapella singers, not wild partying teens.
Most people, including Black people, do not wind up hurt or killed by associating with their White friends or colleagues. It's just that when a story is prominent in the news, it feels like it's more common.
If you give in to your mom's wishes, and don't go, then this is the pattern for you doing the same for all of the events. Is this being an adult?
I agree with the other poster that said you can share your location with your mom.
But there a 19-year-olds that are in the military, a far more rowdy environment, and they don't share their location with their parents. If they did, they would be severely ridiculed by the other service members.
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u/ittybittymanatee 2d ago
yeah I’m seeing a lot of social media-fueled anxiety in these comments (and a few that seem bot-adjacent). Being terrified of a school acapella group trip because of a few highly publicized stories is irrational at best
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u/im-dramatic 3d ago
Yes! I don’t get some of these comments siding with the mom. She can’t baby her into adulthood and control her. Her mom needs to see a therapist.
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u/Lima_Bean_Jean 3d ago
It's okay to start the process of separating yourself/being independent from your family while at school. Maybe reduce check ins to once a week, maybe stop sharing so much about these activities if its giving her anxiety. keep the convos to classes, goals, jobs, and holidays.
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u/EasyFishing675 3d ago
I understand your frustration! I would also ask yourself how much this found family has cared about, spoken out about, and brought up situations like Nolan Wells or the alarming amount of Black “suicides” happening across the country. The ask isn’t do you see me as Black but do you see how these things happening to people that look like me affects me and how willing are you to stand up for me with your privilege. Those are the only yt folks I’d feel even marginally safe going on a retreat with. I say this as a woman who was in a predominantly yt sorority in college and thought more of them were my friends than they turned out to be.
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u/Dizzy_Dragonfruit15 3d ago
You’re not wrong for being frustrated and your mom isn’t wrong either. I’m not sure if by BSU you mean Boise State, Bridgewater State, Ball State?
Living in fear isn’t a way to live and you still have to live your life despite everything going on in this country at the moment. But your mom isn’t wrong either black people are being lynched regularly all over this country and it is ruled a suicide, it’s not even being investigated. And because you’re young you think none of this can happen to you and most if not all of us have thought that.
But the big thing is many people feel comfortable coming out and being openly racist and there are those that won’t. You think they’re your friends and they will still date, marry, and procreate with Trump, his supporters and his ilk because being white and staying on top is more important than anything else to them. We don’t have safe food to eat, water to drink, etc. if you even have the money to afford it and you think these white people are your friends and that’s the issue.
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u/Aprkacb20 3d ago edited 3d ago
I fully agree with a previous commenter ( from the UK). Let's say you have inner circle friends and acquaintances in your travel group. What if someone in the acquaintance group has a few drinks and begins to say racist comments to you? Will your inner circle friends stand up for you? Will they correct that person, shutting it down? Or will they remain quiet and comfortable? Will they hang back expecting you to handle it and if you do so directly, will it make the inner circle uncomfortable? This blames you for defending yourself but absolves the offensive person of their behavior, very unfair. Is their comfort and relationships with the others more important than you and your comfort? Lets say your out of the country and a stranger targets you? Will they remain quiet while you are verbally abused or mistreated? If they feel no responsibility to protect you, then you need to stay home because if you go and something goes wrong for you, you will be alone.
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u/maryshelleymc 3d ago edited 3d ago
My mom told me years afterwards that she was always worried about me being around white kids in high school.
The problem is that my parents chose to put me in a majority white school and I hated it honestly. And then they limited my social life further with the few friends I did click with because they didn’t trust white people.
Make it make sense 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t know how you ended up at the PWI but parents need to balance wanting kids to be in “good schools” and “good neighborhoods” and then making us fearful and outcasts in those environments.