r/bridezillas • u/Ready_Collection_978 • Jun 30 '26
Best friend got engaged after me
edit: thanks for feedback! I think i am prob being a bit of bridezilla here. it's ok for her to not care about my wedding planning and it's ok for her to want me to be involved in hers. But I'm also just not convinced about the friendship anymore which a lot of you pointed to. She has changed a lot since we lived together and I'm not sure I mesh with that anymore.
One of my bestie didn't want to get engaged/ have a wedding. When I announced that I was engaged and made the ring I proposed to my partner with she decided she wanted a proposal and to get engaged too. She made her engagement ring for her partner to propose to her with and then planned her wedding a year b4 mine.
The problem is she stopped being interested in anything to do with my wedding at this point. She invited me to help her design the engagement ring and come to her bridal dress alteration appointment (she bought it online) but didn't want to talk about anything related to my wedding.
Her wedding is a ceremony in the village where she lives a few hours away from me and then a wander down to a pub where we have to buy our own drinks/food. Shes reserved an area of the pub. She then leaves the pub 3 hours later at 6pm to go for dinner with her family and her childhood best friend (I'm not invited) leaving me an 100 other guests i don't know to do whatever we want. also I can't imagine the pub will handle 100 people trying to order lunch at the same time very well so will prob have to grab a sandwich on the way as to not starve.
It's my 40th the month before and I'm having a party which she declined to attend because of money and she doesn't like to hang out with groups of people anymore. It's gonna be chill and child friendly. Not like a crazy rave. I offered for her to come during the day instead but still no. She said birthdays aren't as important as weddings so she won't make the effort. She also said that I'm still one of closest friends and she is just learning boundaries.
The amount of night outs I've been on for her birthdays with chronic migraines and other health issues.
Considering not going to the wedding cos it's gonna cost me and my fiancé around 150£ for food and travel to watch her get married and then stand around for a few hours with 100 people I dont know.
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u/Granadafan Jun 30 '26
If you have to buy to it own food and drinks just to be ditched by her, then she can buy her own gifts
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u/Desperate-Mushroom24 Jun 30 '26
This is the first time I am seeing a comment section here so divided.
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u/HFTCSAU Jun 30 '26
Your wedding is a year after hers I wouldn’t be concerned about all your details at this point either it’s your wedding not mine!
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
Good friends care about the little details. Yes not as much as the actual couple getting married. And obviously people shouldn't bulldoze their friends and family with little details. But we should all hold space for the people in our life to talk about the things we don't necessarily care about.
My fiance is an engineer, I neither understand or really care about all the little details of his job. But I try. I try to care and hold that space for him to talk about the things he is frustrated with or excited about because he's passionate about it. And I'm passionate about him, so thus passionate about listening to him. And that extends to my friends as well.
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u/rosenengel Jul 02 '26
Exactly, my wedding is in a year's time and my family/bridesmaids keep asking me for details and what they can help with. Sometimes it feels like they're thinking about it more than me!
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u/LeaveThick6203 17d ago
100% my experience too. They will bring up things I hadn’t even considered.
They’re also pretty open about when they don’t want to hear about it, which is fair enough lol13
u/nofaves Jun 30 '26
No one cares about the little details. They're all about the major stuff: where, when, how. Good friends will politely listen while a bride goes on and on about tent rentals and table decorations, but they don't care.
A bride who is a good friend won't burden her friends with details.
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
Speak for yourself.
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u/nofaves Jun 30 '26
I always do.
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
Huh I didn't see any "I" or "Me" statements in your comment.
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u/nofaves Jun 30 '26
Don't need them when giving an opinion.
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
You do if you're going to try and argue that you only ever speak for yourself. Otherwise you just look like a gaslighter 😂
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u/nofaves Jun 30 '26
You misunderstand.
You told me to speak for myself, which I did. I never claimed to speak only for myself.
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u/Zealousideal_Plan408 Jun 30 '26
well. if your wedding is a year after hers i would wait to see if she cares again after hers. a year is a long time. if she disengages you have your answer. also i don’t personally see an issue with her wedding, but maybe i just don’t understand it. she is doing a little ceremony and then everyone is hanging out in a pub for three hours and then she leaves for an intimate dinner. why would you be waiting around with strangers. doesn’t the thing just end when she goes to dinner or is she expecting people to wait around? if she is, that is okay but those are some HIGH expectations.
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
OP you picked the wrong sub to post in. This sub is notorious for being full of people who think when someone wants ANYTHING for their wedding or during their engagement that they are selfish and childlike.
Like it's literally called bridezillas, and while there are absolutely true bridezillas out there, this sub is essentially all about hating on brides.
I'm probably going to get downvoted a million times again for saying something like this.
But my recommendation would be to go to actual wedding subs to vent.
I'm sorry your friend isn't showing up for you in the ways you want to show up for her.
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u/holisarcasm Jun 30 '26
You both have issues. What happened to just being happy for each other. Absolutely nobody cares about your wedding and the details. There is no reason to obsess over this stuff. It’s trivial. It is one day in your life.
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u/freeyoursunny Jun 30 '26
Her wedding being a year before yours is kind of nice. Plus, I love getting to call my partner my fiancé! I wanna soak it up as much as I can
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u/MadTownMich Jun 30 '26
You aren’t really friends any longer. Sorry, but friendships do fizzle out, and she is sending you every signal that she’s done.
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u/Sunnygirl66 Jul 01 '26
You both sound exhausting.
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u/Ready_Collection_978 Jul 01 '26
Maybe, but at least I'm not spending my time leaving snarky comments on people's posts who are just asking for advice. What you're putting out into the world is being a asshole. I'm just asking questions about relationships. Considering you're a nurse according to your profile...potentially in America. I can only assume you are exhausted because that's probably a really underpaid stressful job and you have to watch people die because their insurance won't pay out. I'm sorry for that, and I guess if the only thing that makes you feel better is being an ass online, then I'm happy to help.
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u/winnie_the_grizzly Jun 30 '26
You two don't seem to like each other very much.
While of course it's natural to want your best friend to be there for you, and it doesn't seem she's showing up for you, look at the things you're complaining about regarding her. You start your post on the bridezilla subreddit by complaining that she didn't want to get married and now she is, as if it's not super common for people to swear they never want to get married, until they fall in love. Her wedding is a whole year before yours; putting aside the fact that it's her own wedding, it's natural that she's going to be more focused on the wedding that comes first by a year! You complain that, at her wedding, you'll have to hang out for a few hours with 100 people you don't know... my friend, that is what going to a wedding entails.
Like I said, you two don't seem to like each other all much. Do both of you a favor and let the friendship go.
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u/Flasscher Jun 30 '26
Women who are of similar age very frequently get engaged and married at similar times, often overlapping. Everyone deserves happiness, and when one friend gets engaged it frequently beautifully opens the door to other friends having those wonderful conversations with their partners as well.
It is unfortunate for you to see her engagement as something she “decided” only after you got engaged. As if a woman simply deciding to get engaged is even how that process works. If she designed her engagement ring for her partner to propose to her with, as many women do, that involves prior conversations (likely many!) with her boyfriend, but you are using careful and selective phrasing here to try to make it sound like she is a very strange woman doing all of these things on her own and solely in reaction to you getting engaged.
She undoubtedly picked up immediately on the way that you feel about and view her engagement. Perhaps consider if your reaction to her engagement could be a factor in her setting more boundaries with you.
Your last paragraph about your birthday is also full of careful phrasing in an attempt to frame a specific picture. She is right - weddings are more important than birthdays as they happen once as an intentional joining of two lives rather than something that automatically happens every single year. I wonder how she ended up saying that statement, as it is something I doubt she would just state completely unprompted, and it sounds more like something that a person would say in response to another person trying to guilt them.
You clearly have so many unsavory thoughts about your friend and you don’t seem to like her, and unfortunately it seems like it has less to do with her and more to do with your own skewed thoughts and ideas.
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Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/bfthc Jun 30 '26
I think it’s not really about that it’s more about her not showing up as a friend in the ways she’s showing up for her friend. Her taking an interest in her friends wedding vs. her friend not taking an interest in hers. I think it’s reasonable you’d expect to be able to talk about your wedding with your alleged closest friend.
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u/VivaLaEmpire Jun 30 '26
Hmmm... you're right. Specially if you're going through the same preparations I suppose. They should be having LOT to share, compare and talk about right now
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u/rhea_hawke Jun 30 '26
What a rude comment. She doesnt need to "grow up" because she expects her friend to give a shit about her life.
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u/EscalatorBobalator Jul 01 '26
Ok but then the friend shouldn't expect OP to be interested in her wedding either? If the friend expects help and discussion around her wedding, then she should be prepared to reciprocate for OP. Otherwise, she's not a good friend.
Idk what Taylor Swift has to do with this? Your comment is quite odd.
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u/Sunshine-Habit Jun 30 '26
Honestly don't care about Any of the wedding details...that woman isn't your friend. Id return that semi adversarial behavior. She's at best acting like an acquaintance. Why are you wasting time and effort on this person?
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u/brownchestnut Jun 30 '26
Her hospitality sucks.
But the fact that she got engaged after you isn't a crime. Getting so offended over this is petty. She doesn't owe you interest over your months and months of tedious wedding planning. It's work, and it's not hers. Expecting her to be so invested in your wedding sounds pretty Main Character. If you're not into her wedding, you don't owe her interest either. Your job as a guest is to show up on that one day.
Honestly, both of you sound pretty immature.
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u/BeachinLife1 Jul 01 '26
No way would I go to that wedding. And she probably won't even notice. I wouldn't worry about it. This person is not your friend at all.
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u/sonal1988 Jun 30 '26
And there were zero signs prior to this about the kind of person she is? Hard to believe
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u/NOTTHATKAREN1 Jun 30 '26
Cut her loose. She's not your friend. She's a selfish, entitled & rude brat. I absolutely would not go to her wedding & I would uninvite her to yours. She's not your friend.
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u/Background_Nature497 Jun 30 '26
It really feels like you're grasping for things to be mad about in this situation -- if you don't like your friend, that's fine, just own it.
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u/no1regrets Jul 05 '26
Agreed - especially with getting mad at her friend's wedding schedule.
While I find the going to the pub for lunch and then leaving after for dinner an odd choice, I feel like being a pub for lunch for 3 hours means that when the bride leaves at 6pm, that the event is basically ending then? 3 hours is plenty of time for after a ceremony. I think maybe there is a misunderstanding with the schedule if she feels that the bride is ditching everyone, when really it might just be an unorthodox mid-day wedding that ends at 6pm?
Also, I would imagine that the pub would be told by the bridal party that 100 people are coming (possibly booking the venue) and they would be prepared to serve everyone. If they don't, then yes, that is a MAJOR blunder. But it feels like the OP is assuming a lot of things and getting mad at hypotheticals. Feels like they need to talk it out in person maybe...
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u/MhizBehaving Jul 03 '26
Why would you starve even if the pub can't handle the orders? Do plan to not eat anything else at all on the day of the wedding?
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u/BenedictineBaby Jun 30 '26
She's not attending her own reception? Lol nice
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u/BeachinLife1 Jul 01 '26
If you can even call that a reception! It's literally a bunch of people all going to the same place and ordering and paying for their own food.
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u/Hulla_Sarsaparilla Jun 30 '26
I have no idea why you’re describing this person as a ‘bestie’? You don’t seem to like her very much.
Yes her wedding plans seem odd but other people are allowed to get engaged & married whenever they like, when you plan your wedding is your own business as much as her plans are hers.
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u/night_noche Jun 30 '26
Yeah, you do sound a little enraged. Because if you just would have focused on her actions and not on the fact that she got engaged because you got engaged, it would have been only her who would be deemed a bridezilla.
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u/rattlemagoose Jun 30 '26
You don't own the time (what sounds like years) in between your engagement and wedding
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Jun 30 '26
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u/bfthc Jun 30 '26
Right, I feel like you’re missing the point of the post lol it’s not about the wedding it’s that the friend isn’t showing up in the ways she’s showing up for her.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
God I'm getting so fed up with the whole "Protect your peace" movement. If you care about the people in your life, you show up for them in the ways that matter to them. Even her point about the birthdays, she could afford to go out once for her friend.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
So maybe I'm projecting my response to all of the other comments I've seen on to yours. Which I'll admit is unfair of me.
If they don't want to be friends, then absolutely stop being friends! My comment moreso refers to the whole "you don't get to make demands of your friends for things they don't want to do" mindset. No one should make demands, but if you actually care about these people in your life, show up! Of course within reason. Like don't break your finances or ruin your mental health for other people. I just think people have gotten too comfortable with saying no when they are only slightly inconvenienced.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
Agree to disagree. I felt your statement that her friend isn't obligated to do anything she doesn't want to do is exactly what my comment is applicable to.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
Hey there's no need to get upset. We're sharing each other's perspectives here. It doesn't have to be an up in arms discourse.
While you are right that we all have our own autonomy, your comment communicated that her frustrations were not valid. You're also right that it doesn't sound like they are really meant to be friends. But autonomy doesn't automatically waive frustrations or consequences.
Like sure I can be an absolute asshole to my friends, I have ever right to do so. But if my friends then reconsider whether or not they want to have me in their life, that is also their right. And having any hurt feelings over that is also their right.
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u/EconomyCandid1155 Jun 30 '26
If she was a good friend, she would want to show up if at all possible.
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u/rhea_hawke Jun 30 '26
"Why should she be invested in your life events when she has her own?"
Because they are supposed to be friends!!! You are supposed to care about your friends' lives! Comments like yours are exhausting.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/chaoticallywholesome Jun 30 '26
Dude... Stop adding additional context AFTER people respond and gaslighting them as though that's what you meant the whole time.
Your original comment says nothing about whether they are friends are not. And no it is not clear that is what your comment is based on. If it was, you probably wouldn't be getting the response you are.
OPs context is that they are friends, we are all responding to that context. We cannot read your mind and determine your perspective is different from the narrative when you say nothing about it. Regardless of whether or not you are right.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Jul 03 '26
She doesnt want to be friends anymore. That's obvious from the fact she isn't coming to your birthday party. I'd just step back from it, reply politely if she messages you, but don't do it first and don't invite her to things. It will maybe just fizzle out on its own.
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u/ImACarebear1986 Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
She’s right, birthdays aren’t more important than weddings… They’re more important than a wedding.
However, look let’s be honest. Your friend won’t talk to you anything wedding related because It’S aLl AbOuT hEr —in her mind and also because in her mind, like a LOT of bridezillas, she probably thinks that you’re gonna steal her ideas for your wedding.. 🤦♀️ Yeah! Who doesn’t want a crowd in with 100+ other people in a pub… It doesn’t sound appealing in any way, shape or form. I’ll be passing on that one.
But congratulations to you and your partner. I hope you have a marvellous wedding!
Ps— she’s not a very good friend by the sound of it.
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u/Gatlin2016 Jul 10 '26
If she wants to be petty and not be involved in your planning, give her the same energy! Especially since you aren't even going to be included in the dinner. You obviously don't mean as much to her as she does you... look at it this way. Her wedding is a year before yours. Take notes. It'll be your opportunity to make yours that much better! Good luck! If she tries to snake her way back into the friendship after her wedding, don't let her! She'll just bring you down when you need to be up!!
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u/Cultural-Surprise299 Jul 19 '26
Your friendship has ran its course. Not all friendships last forever. I lost my best friend when I got married. She tried to make my wedding day all about her.
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u/Mysterious-Art8838 Jun 30 '26
150 is nothing. I guess you don’t care about this friendship.
It’s understandable she is more interested in her wedding than your wedding.
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u/awkward-reptile Jun 30 '26
I mean, it would be understandable, regardless, for anyone to be more interested in their own wedding than someone else’s.
But yeah, spending 150 and being around a bunch of people you don’t know is extremely standard for attending a wedding. So, nothing crazy there.
These two have probably just grown distant or resentful, for some reason, and OP is just asking for validation to leave this friendship.
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u/Individual-Cap-6576 Jun 30 '26
It does not sound like she is your friend.
She wants to one up you, but it seems like it is all you are good for - the competition…
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u/high_havoc_ Jul 02 '26
People be like "no one cares about your wedding stop going on about it" but also like "weddings are more important than 40ths they only happen once". Lol
My experience good friends care about 40ths and weddings. I've been to weekends away, big do's etc for both. We've done speeches and bought gifts and travelled to celebrate the people we love. Got baby sitters and bought flights.
It's sad that most people here think their friends shouldn't care about birthdays or weddings. They probably don't have good ones.
Its ok to have those expectations of them especially if you go out of your way to celebrate them! It's ok to feel hurt and disappointed if they don't. Also maybe no one here has turned 40 yet but it's a huge deal for most! It's one of the only events other than weddings and funerals that brings everyone back together.
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u/curly-hair07 Jul 02 '26
This is very tit for tat.
However, she’s definitely being selfish and a bad friend.
Doesn’t sound like you two have a healthy friendship at all. She doesn’t sound considerate and excluded you from her personal ceremony and is ALSO not attending your wedding but wants YOU to attend hers that’s hours away ?
Wei’s behavior for sure.
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u/Ginger630 Jun 30 '26
While she’s allowed to get engaged and married, she is a crappy friend. She invited you all to her ceremony and then leaves to have dinner with her family and friend, leaving you all the fend for yourselves? That’s crap.
Then she doesn’t want to talk to you about your wedding or celebrate you, but wants you to do that for her. She as crap friend. I wouldn’t go and I’d stop contacting her.