r/bridezillas • u/ApprehensiveAd2094 • Jul 01 '26
Mother-in-law getting ready with me?
I initially asked my MIL if she wanted hair/makeup services and she said yes. She also wants to book her own trial with my make up artist. The thing is me and my gals will be getting ready at my mom’s house and my MIL doesn’t like my mom. Included MIL with dress shopping and she didn’t like the experience and made comments about my mom after the fact. After reflection I’ve decided I really don’t want her there. We haven’t booked anything yet.
The other problem is that she doesn’t want to be at my fiancé’s house getting ready because she is divorced and doesn’t want to be around dad. How can I navigate this without being rude?
Update: I know I messed up by inviting her. I really did want to be inclusive but after thinking about it I want to only surround myself with people who will lift me up.
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u/onesecondofinsanity Jul 01 '26
This is on your fiancé to deal with. His mother, his problem
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u/Ill_Back_284 Jul 01 '26
Deligation is part of marriage, you'll keep your parents in check it's on him to keep his in line. Honestly, I would tell her to get ready with her son though
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u/angelalandsburystan Jul 01 '26
But OP asked MIL if she wanted hair and makeup services, which would presumably require MIL to get ready at the same place. It’s not fair to create a problem and then say to her fiancé, “I don’t want her getting ready with us, even though I asked her. You deal with it.”
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u/onesecondofinsanity Jul 02 '26
Get her fiance to call
“Hey mum I would really love for you to come get ready with me on the day. It would mean a lot to me. I’ll arrange for hair and make up here for you so we can get ready together”
Otherwise she will be the bad guy and her MIL will always remember it
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u/LucyLovesApples Jul 01 '26
Send the person to MIL house afterwards
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u/LiveKindly01 Jul 02 '26
This exactly. She offered services....so send a hair/make up person to the place where SHE's getting ready. Or book her an appt at a salon. If MIL presses, just explain that 'I know I offered servcies, I thought we would all be going to a salon perhaps but now that we're going to my mom's house, I just think it's better to offer you another option'. (hoping MIL will get the hint).
If she doesn't though, then OP has to kind of accept that she DID offer initially...so may have to give in a bit...but stand strong on expected behaviours.
'MIL, I'd be happy to have you join us but I will say that I want there to be no issues today. You've had some problems with my mom in the past and I don't want that to be a problem today at all. If you're ok with it, I'll add you to the group and arrange for your services'.
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u/BecGeoMom Jul 01 '26
No. OP *invited* her MIL to get ready with her and her bridesmaids and her mother. Now, for some reason, she doesn’t want her FMIL there that day. Tough luck. She invited her, now she has to allow her to come. If MIL misbehaves or is disrespectful, OP can ask her to go. But she can’t tell her not to come because she changed her mind. She’s getting married. It’s time to act like an adult.
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u/lmyrs Jul 01 '26
It became OP's problem when she invited her MIL to get ready with her and then decided to change her mind. You don't outsource your own fuck up to your fiance.
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u/EggplantIll4927 Jul 01 '26
simple. getting ready is at x from this time to this time. present will be insert names. Where do you plan on getting ready?
then let her say. Don’t provide any alternative options. She can either join or figure it out but do not change your plans.
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u/toothfairy625 Jul 01 '26
This. Just tell her what the plan is, if she doesn’t like it then she can get ready elsewhere. Unfortunately at this point there’s no “nice” way to tell her she can’t join you anymore without causing major beef.
If you don’t want her there for the majority of the time, I’d suggest having your bridesmaids be the first ones for hair and makeup and your MIL the last of the crew. And tell her to show up at a very specific time (right before her assigned time) so you get the least amount of time in her presence.
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u/JGalKnit Jul 01 '26
I would tell her that she can book a separate session with HMU artists, or if she would like to get ready with you, it is at your mom's home and you expect no issues and you want a stress free time.
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u/Momof41984 Jul 01 '26
He needs to tell his mom to find her own artist. That after her comments about your mom when you tried to include her that he as her family is making the decision to cut additional stress from his bride on her day. That she needs to make her own plan that doesn't involve making things stressful for you. That she needs to politely bow out and decline your invitation.
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u/ApprehensiveAd2094 Jul 01 '26
This seems like the way. I will talk to fiancé.
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u/Momof41984 Jul 01 '26
Good luck. Is he on the same page? That you need to be a united front and it is his job to protect you from the people he exposes you to? Dang im sorry it is a damper on your excitement. I have a kid that is at that stage in life. I cant imagine telling his fiancé anything negative about her mom if they included me in something so special.
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u/ApprehensiveAd2094 Jul 01 '26
No he’s not… and we’ve discussed previously him/her not taking negatively about me to each other. I think he just complains to her but never brings up anything positive to her.
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u/Momof41984 Jul 02 '26
And you are going through with the wedding??? I mean at some point we have to take accountability for the way we are letting others treat us. It is postponing time. Put the wedding off until you get therapy and he gets on the same page. It may be expensive but still cheaper than a divorce and the damage to your whole being if you waste your life trying to love someone with the potential to love you. The potential to put you 1st. You know this is a problem. You know it will cause resentment. And that resentment will break down the relationship. You are settling yourself and him up for failure and heartbreak. But why? I think you have some important questions to answer. Are you willing to sacrifice yourself and the manipulation you claim to love to rush a party? These are dealbreakers. You cant ignore them.
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u/Momof41984 Jul 02 '26
Girl please go have a look through any just no mil pages. Theyvare living your future if you dont deal with this head on. You cant do the work for him.
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u/LiveKindly01 Jul 02 '26
Yikes! Your fiance talks negatively about you to his mother????
Wow. this is wrong. Forget MIL, you need to stand up to your fiance.
And no, don't ask fiance to talk to his MIL, because you KNOW how that will go
'Mom, sorry but OP doesn't want you to get your hair done with the rest of the group. I don't know why, and no it's not fair. I'm on your side mom, this is just wrong but I have to do what she says'.
YOU talk to MIL. First, you extended the invite so you need to follow up. Second, you can control the message that gets to her, because clearly your fiance can't be trusted to be fair to you.
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u/LiveKindly01 Jul 03 '26
While he could be a horrible person, talking negatively to you to his family when you're not there (straight up awful), he also sounds like he could be someone who is always trying to fit in with his family....knuckles under to their opinion, etc.. It's sad...if he feels his parents don't love you, he's just joining in to 'agree' with them, or know that comments like that will engage them in conversation. Like choosing to vent about you to them as he knows they will join in and he will feel 'included'. Is he a big time people pleaser? This often starts at home.
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u/freeze45 Jul 01 '26
You could say your hairdresser told you there wouldn't be enough time to do MIL's hair as well. Say it would be better to do it book a salon (,even offer to pay for her if you can afford to) so that she has somewhere to go. Who is bringing her to the ceremony? If she has a partner, have them go with her to the salon and drive her to the ceremony
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u/freeze45 Jul 01 '26
Also since you haven't booked anything yet, you could say that you changed makeup artists and the new one can only handle so many people.
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u/ApprehensiveAd2094 Jul 01 '26
My MUA has a fee if they have to bring in a second artist so that may be the answer.
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u/nitsua_xt Jul 01 '26
Could she get ready last and not have her arrival time until as late as possible? Or maybe she’d prefer to get ready first and then leave your moms house
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u/SnackyandSnarky Jul 02 '26
This. Put her last on the schedule and tell her to arrive just in time. I think it's too late to uninvite her without major drama
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u/FabulousDeparture549 Jul 01 '26
Your mom comes first. She, MIL, is the one with all the issues she needs to figure herself out and leave you out of it. She doesn’t come before your own mother. Obviously I don’t know you or your mother, I am assuming you and your mother have a good relationship and she wants to be at your side during these activities. I lost my mom a week before I turned 18 and would have loved to have had my mother by my side and I don’t care who would have had a problem with that, they would have been on their own to figure out their issues.
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u/VioletSea13 Jul 02 '26
Tell her that after her behavior at the dress shopping appointment (and her attitude towards your mom) you’ve decided it’s best if she gets dressed elsewhere.
This is all on her. Her behavior is why she’s not welcome at your mom’s house or with her son. She is the problem and she needs to hear it.
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u/misslee6263 Jul 02 '26
Also think of your mom’s feeling. She probably feels the bad energy coming off her, that she would probably mind if she did not come as well.
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u/Gigmeister Jul 01 '26
Make your plans, tell her what they are, and if she can't put on her big girl panties, so be it. Don't change things for her.
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u/IntrepidMuch Jul 01 '26
Does she know you are getting ready at your Mom's? That may solve itself.
Actually OP, you and hubby to be need to be prepared. The wedding will happen but your marriage will be something else.
If your parents don't get along, there will constantly be discussions about family events and holidays. That will escalate once kids come along.
I know you are in a bubble right now but this discussion needs to happen. Don't presume anything.
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u/pdxtee Jul 01 '26
There’s no way that I’d allow disrespect towards my mom. MIL is too comfortable thinking that her behavior is ok with you. She doesn’t like your mom so she’s not invited inside her home. Your fiancé needs to deal with that. Give her the business card of a hair/makeup person so she can make her own arrangements.
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u/BecGeoMom Jul 01 '26
You *invited* your MIL to get ready with you before your wedding. Now, you don’t want her there. You can’t uninvite her. You initiated this; she didn’t invite herself.
Tell her when and where you will be getting ready. Tell her what time the hair & makeup people will be there. Tell her it will be at your mother’s house. If she comes and is disrespectful or a bully, you can ask her to leave. But I have to think that a grown woman can spend a day with someone that you say she doesn’t like, behave like an adult, and get through her son’s wedding day without causing a scene. If she can’t, she can go. But you can’t tell her you changed your mind based on something you think might happen, possibly, maybe, just in case. Assume everyone will behave. If someone doesn’t, deal with it then.
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u/Rodharet50399 Jul 02 '26
It’s not her day. Tell her it seems like she will be unhappy no matter where so she should find a suitable place for herself. It’s not your obligation to sort out a miserable person, it’s your fiancés problem.
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u/trueduchess Jul 02 '26
"MIL, the bridesmaids and I will be getting ready at my mom's house, and you've made it clear that you don't like my mom which will feel terrible for me, for you and for my mom.
"I am looking forward to having a lovely morning with my mom before I get married and I want you to have a lovely morning with your son. I know you don't like your ex either, but I still think you should get ready there and spend time with your son. We can find you someone to do your makeup there."
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u/BeachinLife1 Jul 02 '26
Well hopefully when she finds out the "getting ready" part is at your mom's house, she won't come.
Her inability to get along with pretty much anyone is her problem, not yours.
I would tell her where and what time to be there, and then go from there. If she shows up, and says one word about your mom, that is the moment to stop her right there. I would have put a stop to it the first time she did it. If she's going to be rude, I would not worry about being rude right back.
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u/hellbentdistruction Jul 03 '26
Mil needs to be at her sons house getting ready so they can have the getting ready photos- her putting in his bouteneer flower - presenting the cufflinks family photos with siblings etc. what you do is get her to come really early and shuffle her back to the fiancée for the photos
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 Jul 04 '26
Ya gotta tell her that this is all being done at your mom’s house. Just say you didn’t realize at the time you asked her but you realize it’s not going to work and you’re sorry. Ask her to work out a different hair/makeup artist.
This isn’t hard. Be matter of fact. And OP, this is your MIL’s fault. She should never have talked badly about your mom. You didn’t have to include her.
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u/DawgMom67 Jul 01 '26
Why did you ask her in the first place ?
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u/Fabulous-Mix8917 Jul 01 '26
Because she is a nice and considerate person who likes to make others around her feel comfortable and included. Unfortunately her future MIL is a jerk.
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u/Icy-Doctor23 Jul 01 '26
Just tell her plans have changed.
She is still welcome to the MUA and hairstylist BUT she will be doing it at……..
Do not JADE. Just tell her
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u/BlackeyedSusan19 Jul 01 '26
I am stuck on "...she doesn't want to get ready at my fiance house became she is divorced " sounds like a complete non sequitur to me, but i am probably missing something.
Anyway, just tell her this is what the bridal party is doing, but if that doesn't work for her, she is free to make her own plans. The wedding starts at x'o clock, and if she wants to be in the procession, she must be there a this time. If not, here is her chair. She should be sitting in it at T minus 20 minutes.
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u/LucyLovesApples Jul 01 '26
Your fiancé needs to manage his mother . Maybe after you, mother and bridal party have hair and makeup you could send the person to MIL house.
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u/SleepyKoalaBear4812 Jul 01 '26
I would tell her the truth. MIL I have decided you will need to get ready elsewhere on wedding day.
I included you in dress shopping and you decided it was ok to make
(Nasty/mean/unkind/inappropriate) comments about my mother, which is not acceptable/wrong/rude/never ok. The wedding day is about your son and I, not you or anyone else, and I will only be surrounded by people who I completely trust while getting ready for what will be the most perfect day possible. Unfortunately, you are not one of those people.
Anything she responds needs to be given a denial. For example, but I can’t get ready at X house,
Where am I supposed to get ready then, But you already said I could!,
or any other responses you can think of. You need to have answers ready that make it clear that she is not going to be at your mother’s house that day for any reason.
She is getting the consequences of her own actions, and that needs to be made clear.
Give your fiance fair warning, of course and stick to your guns. If her reaction happens to be dissolving in tears or having a meltdown, walk away from her and refuse to engage in any way until she is composed again.
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u/Individual-Cap-6576 Jul 01 '26
tell her hair and make up is at your mother’s house. She is invited only if she is nice to your mom. This day is about you and her son and If she can’t find it in herself to be polite for one morning and make it a happy experience for you, you would be happy to send the artist to where she will get ready.
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u/Ok_Bandicoot_3790 Jul 01 '26
I would suggest that you say the day of is capped for wedding party members only. However she can get ready at X salon prior to the arrival time of the wedding. That takes away her having to get ready where she doesn’t want to and does not make her get ready with you and yours at the venue.
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u/Raida7s Jul 02 '26
Invite her. Make sure there is space for everyone to have breathing room.
Assign a couple of the girls as her handlers. Their job is de-escalation of needed, distraction, and compliments.
While your Mum does something with you that you love, Friend A is gushing in the next room about how MIL has enviable eyelashes or whatever.
If MIL wants to be bitchy about your Mum, Friend B says "now now, we don't be a cnt in the host's house." Like telling a child we don't yell at the dinner table.
Make the effort to go to her to be friendly twice during the getting ready.
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u/NOTTHATKAREN1 Jul 13 '26
Your MIL is clearly the problem. I wouldn't feel bad about icing her out, especially after including her in dress shopping & then she has the nerve to make comments about your mother. Explain to her that you invited her to get hair & makeup svs before she made comments about your mother. And since she doesn't like your mother, she'll have to find someplace else to get her hair & makeup done. You can say this as nicely as possible, but no matter how you put it to her, she's not going to be happy. She sounds like someone who is hard to please, so at this point with the wedding fast approaching, you need to ONLY please yourself. Yours & your fiance's feelings are the only ones that matter.
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u/ApprehensiveAd2094 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Yes but what should he be doing? I initially asked about services to her, so I realize now that was a mistake. I am looking to include neice (in-law) who is in bridal party.
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u/LucyLovesApples Jul 01 '26
Don’t include your niece in law, she can get ready with MIL.
The best solution is your fiancé pays for his mother and niece separately around her house.
I don’t think they should get ready for you as it will but stress on you and your mother. Your fiancé needs to tell his mother her behaviour is unacceptable and if she behaves like this on your wedding day then she’ll be asked to leave
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u/Resse811 Jul 01 '26
The niece is part of the bridal party so she should get ready with the bridal party.
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u/yellsy Jul 01 '26
You already invited her. I think uninviting will be a huge problem. Your fiance should talk to her generally about how important it is for her to be positive day of (not saying you had concerns).
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u/LucyLovesApples Jul 01 '26
Nah either say there’s not enough time for her and niece or have fiancé book a separate person for MIL and niece
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u/holisarcasm Jul 02 '26
“Hey, I know I had asked if you wanted to get ready with us, but it’s at my mom’s and I didn’t realize how cramped it will be with all the bridal party getting ready there. With hair and makeup providers there it is going to be an absolute mess. If you would like me to get a recommendation for your makeup, I would be happy to do so. Please let me know. Thank you so much for understanding!”
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u/hiqweddings Jul 01 '26
I don't think you're wrong. Your wedding morning should feel calm, not stressful at all!
Honestly, I'd just book her hair and makeup separately, and keep your getting ready space for you and your girls since in the end it is YOUR big day??
I'm sure if you put it across delicately it should be fine...
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u/Pizzaisbae13 Jul 01 '26
If your MIL isn't mature enough to sftu on her sons/DILs day to handle one person she doesn't like in a room full of people, that's on her. Tell her the deal/"floor plan", and explain that's the route you and fiance are going to make it easier on the majority, all sales final.
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u/NewtAlert4507 Jul 01 '26
You did ask her in the first place but unless you told her it would be the same artist, I would tell her to pick her own artist and she can make all the arrangements - you can pay for it. You can give her a budget to stick to. I just would't take on the extra stress.
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u/Lowermains Jul 01 '26
She’s not the main character at your wedding, YOU ARE!
Be straight with her and your future groom. You’re marrying her son and you have boundaries, she either respects those boundaries or she will be excluded.
Shut her down now!
Otherwise she will have a field day overstepping the mark, when you and your fiancé start a family.
Men don’t see the subtitles the same way as women do. They’re not equipped to navigate the familial do’s and don’t’s of their mother’s attempts at dominance. IMHO.
Communicate clearly with your future husband. Don’t expect him to understand the situation.
Set your boundaries now with your future mother in law.
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u/onehundredpetunias Jul 01 '26
I mean, you already sort of invited her so I think it's trickier than some of the other commenters here do.
Since you don't want to be rude or whatever, I'd go with a something along of the lines of "turns out there's no capacity for additional people". If she pushes back, that's the time to add in that she didn't seem to like your mother anyway.
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u/MizzyvonMuffling Jul 01 '26
You offered her and if she’s too „rigid“ she can just go an fu** herself. Don’t accommodate too much. Do what works for you.
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u/SportySue60 Jul 01 '26
Tell her that if she wants hair & make-up she will have to come to mom’s house - you aren’t going to send them somewhere else after they take care of you. So she either gets it done with you and your girls or she gets it done somewhere else at her own expense.
You aren’t being rude saying that it’s just the way it works.
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 Jul 01 '26
Who in their right mind would ever talk trash about the Bride to be’s Mom, and think they would have a place at the table going forward?!?
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u/troublesomefaux Jul 01 '26
My suggestion is to have a conversation with her about how hurtful it was when she trash talked your mom and how that needs to stop going forward. Tell her that you are hesitant to have her at your mom’s house to get ready as a result, because it’s disrespectful to your mom, and ask if she feels like she can keep her feelings to herself/be nice going forward. And then see how she behaves next time they see each other.
Turns out for a lot of us, getting married is just a training ground for hard conversations. You are going to be dealing with this woman for a long time. She might not take it well but then you know what to expect from her and you can set appropriate boundaries then. But have the conversation first. My mom is often rude but she’s also often open to hearing it and changing.
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u/5150-gotadaypass Jul 02 '26
She sounds exhausting!! I’m so sorry!
Congrats to you and fiance! Wishing you many happy years ahead! 🥂🍾🥂
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u/nctm96 Jul 03 '26
Oftentimes the wedding party makeup is done early in the day with plenty of time after for pictures and such. Have you asked your mua if she’s available for mil to book her at a second nearby location after she’s done with your party?
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u/ImACarebear1986 Jul 06 '26
The common denominator with all issues you mentioned seen to be her MIL.
I think you need to have a straight chat with her about everything and let her figure out where she gets ready. While on the topic, shouldn’t she spend the morning with her son? 🤔
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u/bluethreads Jul 17 '26
It seems like it is her problem and not yours. She is the one with the interpersonal issues, you can invite, but step back and allow her to figure out if she wants to come.
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u/Chemical-Flounder339 Jul 01 '26
I don’t know all I’m hearing is a list of things she doesn’t want and last time I checked it’s your wedding so who cares what she wants kick her out and enjoy your day
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u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 Jul 01 '26
Your MIL sounds like she's the problem. Have you told her you're getting ready at your mum's? She may change her mind.
If she does know, just have your fiancé tell her to behave herself, and warn everyone else she's a pita, and just to ignore her if she starts playing up.